TDR3: Noah's Tour of the World
by PurpleBandit3000
Summary: Noah finds himself back on the plane and is forced to relive the events of Season 3 (Total Drama World Tour). However, not everything is the same the second time around...
1. Fresh Hell

"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

"If you ever get a second chance in life for something, you've got to go all the way." ~ Lance Armstrong

"Placing quotes from famous people at the beginning of your story makes you seem more intelligent." ~ Purple Bandit

* * *

 **TOTAL DRAMA REDEMPTION III: NOAH'S TOUR OF THE WORLD**

* * *

Happy 2016 everybody! My gift to you guys is a new story for a New Year!

Greetings loyal fans, reviewers, and Total Drama diehards! Thank you for patiently waiting while I got my house in order over the past few months. I am now primed and ready!

It will soon be time for everyone's favorite cynical, physically-feeble, mentally-robust, intellectual, Indo-Canadian wise guy to shine. First, a couple of clarifications need to be made.

 **Disclaimer:** The Total Drama series was created by Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. The rights of the show, be it creation or distributional, go to Fresh TV Incorporated, Teletoon, Cartoon Network, Neptoon Studios, and Cake Entertainment. I am just a fan writing for zero profit. I guess the only person I can stake a claim to is Matt. Feel free to have him in any of your guys' stories if you feel like it.

 **Summ** **ary:** Sequel to "Total Drama Redemption". Noah finds himself having to re-live the events of season 3 (Total Drama World Tour). However, not everything's the same the second time around...

 **Sequel:** I realize that some of you might have come upon this story without reading the original. It must be stated that this story is a sequel to "Total Drama Redemption", which was written by me. It can be accessed from my (super-awesome) profile. This story has been written with the assumption that you have read TDR, so I strongly advise you to read that fic first before reading this. Ultimately, I can't really force you guys to do anything so…

 **Rating:** Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes. There will be profanity, vulgarity, dirty jokes, and juvenile humor. These _are_ teenagers, after all. I'm warning you in advance. If this sort of thing is not something that you wish to read, then please leave now, before it's too late!

 **Setting:** Right before the beginning of season three. Total Drama World Tour will be the basis of this story, just like how Total Drama Island was the basis for the original. Important to note that Noah's memories of TDR are still fresh in his mind, despite being sent back in time eight years after the events took place.

 **Point of View:** The entirety of the story will be written in the first person from Noah's POV.

 **Pairings:** You're gonna have to read on for that one, sport. Let's just say I have some surprises in store.

 **Format:** I found that writing each day as one chapter places too much emphasis on certain days and not enough on others. It made a lot of chapters as filler, too short, or just plain unnecessary. That's why I've decided to change the format. It gives me more freedom and will hopefully make chapter lengths closer together. I want to keep this story fresh.

 **Genres:** The story is a mix of many different genres:-

Angst – There won't be as much absurdity in this story as the original. I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible. It will be a bit darker and edgier, but not by a big margin.

Romance – The four letter word beginning with 'L' comes into play in this story.

Suspense – So if I tell you guys that suspense is one of the genres, am I increasing or decreasing it? Hope it doesn't kill you.

Humor – Don't worry guys. There'll be plenty of comedy to go around. I'm just trying to tone it down on the outrageous moments. If you liked TDR, then you'll love this one. I guarantee it!

Adventure – I will try my best to make this a roller-coaster ride from start to finish. We're going on an adventure!

Supernatural – Not really sure about this one but I consider Matt to be a higher power and a mystic force. Noah practices agnosticism, but I will try to avoid as many religious references as possible to avoid controversy.

Mystery – Why is Mystery one of the genres? I guess that's a mystery in and of itself.

Sci-Fi – Alternate timelines, parallel universes, time travel. 'Nuff said.

Friendship – Despite there being a mix of so many genres, friendship seemed like the most important one to me and is the most important to this story. Everything else can be filed under "General"

NOTE: If you skipped all the above just to get to the story, you're a cock-juggling thunder-c**t, and you deserve to be strapped to a chair and listen to One Direction for all of eternity. Amen.

Now that that's out of the way, let us begin. Commence the fun, it's chapter one! Into Noah's mind we go…

* * *

 **\- Ch** **apter i -**

* * *

 **Fresh Hell**

* * *

The sound of rubber tires grinding against asphalt entered my ears. The tiny gravel stones were getting stuck in between the tires, thus causing a sort of harsh sound as they scraped against the pavement.

I was lying face down on something soft and comfy. It felt like a pillow.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round." Someone sand. "The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town!"

That voice... _Owen's_ voice!

I opened my eyes in order to find out where the hell I was, and immediately rose up. I rubbed my eyes. I hadn't been lying down on a pillow; I was lying down in between Owen's thighs!

"What the hell, Owen!?" I screamed out.

It was heard by everyone else in the bus, and would have attracted their attention had they not been busy having their own petty conversations.

He was taken aback a bit. "Oh, sorry Noah. Are you always this cranky when you first wake up?"

"I was sleeping?"

"Uh huh."

"On your lap?"

"Yep."

"…"

"…"

Blank stares were exchanged. It was all that I could offer. I was trying my level best to make some sense of the situation. I felt like screaming some more, but I held my tongue and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to regain my composure.

"And do you always suck your thumb while you sleep?" Owen asked me.

This line was also heard by the entirety of the bus, bringing it into raucous guffaws. My eyelids twitched. All I could do was bury my head in my hands.

I wished that I could just poof out of the bus the same way that I had poofed into the bus. This whole scenario seemed too damn _contrived_ to be true. It just wasn't natural. Is this real life!?

Needless to say, I had just been thrust into a very awkward situation. And it was getting more and more awkward by the second. Any composure that I had regained up till now had now vanished into thin air. I just wished that I could have vanished along with it.

"It's alright, Noah." I said, referring to myself in the third person in an attempt to inflict upon me a feeling of calmness.

I found it difficult to comprehend whether or not this was even real. I rubbed my eyes and then I pinched (and slapped) myself multiple times to make sure. Nope. Not dreaming. Definitely real. Get a grip on yourself, Noah!

Well… crap. That was not the start that I was hoping for. On the bright side, if one starts at rock bottom, they have nowhere to go but up.

The rest of the journey was relatively event-free. Just the way I liked it. Owen was busy bugging someone else, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I sat quietly, attempting to make some sense of the events that were unfolding or about to unfold before my very eyes.

I sighed.

 _Total Drama World Tour? Been there, done that. How hard could it possibly be?_

If I did it once, I can definitely do it again, right?

Besides, this time would be easier since I already knew what was about to happen next, at least somewhat, if not entirely. It certainly helped last time. The best part was that I did pretty well on season three anyway. Now I had some knowledge of the future as well. I was banking in that to bail me out of any problems that I would have to encounter going forward. Only rarely do plans go on without a hitch.

The bus came to a grinding halt. Looking out the window, I noticed a bunch of grounded airplanes. We were on the runway of an airport.

The bus driver told us to get in a single file line, which we all did.

Ugh. This brought me back to memories of lining up for ten months every year for twelve years waiting to exit the school bus.

Only this time, I had a metric crap-ton of pain, torture and immeasurable cruelty awaiting me.

…Okay, maybe it _is_ a bit like school.

I lined up behind Harold as we inched, slowly but surely, towards our doom.

Owen wailed and complained about setting his foot in an airport. DJ had to take him kicking and screaming out the exit door.

"Aerophobia... from the Latin. As opposed to aeronausiphobia, the fear of air sickness." Harold said upon exit.

"Keep up the fascinating facts, and I'm going to be aero-nauseous all over _you._ " I replied without missing a beat.

Seriously! I had enough to deal with without this annoying fleabag shoving unnecessary facts down my throat.

I turned to the right, and that's when I saw _him_. The face of pure evil. It was good ol' Chris "Beelzebub" Maclean.

He was wearing the same old stupid shirt while grinning that same old wicked grin that he had been all those years ago. His eyes had a glint of malice as well as joy intertwined in them.

Oh, he was excited, no doubt. Third seasons are a big deal in the reality television business.

One might not think of it since many sitcoms go on for about five to eight years, but in terms of reality shows, three's a pretty big deal. I know this because Chris knows this.

I learned all of this from him during my short stint as his assistant, and it was probably the only good thing I got from that experience.

He was introducing the contestants one by one. Of course, some were emphasized more than others.

I joined the rest of the gang. These were the guys who would accompany me on our journey to the center of the Earth (and a million dollars)

"Hi, Noah." Gwen said, coming up to me.

"Oh.. Hey." I replied.

She went up to me and hugged me. It seriously caught me off guard.

"Ya this is great and all but what about-"

I was cut off by her lips meeting mine.

Gwen was kissing me! I stood there in stunned silence. I honestly had no idea how to react.

The whole world around me seemed to be revolving a thousand times per second. The feeling of dizziness overcame me. A billion thoughts rushed through my mind, the main one being that of infidelity. What the heck was going on?

It didn't last for long, though, as the Goth released me.

"Hey, Noah!" An all too familiar voice exclaimed.

"Hey, Iz." I said awkwardly. Oh crud! Had she seen that!? WHAT THE FUDGE WAS I GOING TO DO!?

I cringed, waiting for her to pounce on me. Instead, she leaped into the open arms of Owen.

I stood watching as Izzy and Owen sucked face. How dare he kiss my girlfriend like that!? The nerve of that boy! I was just about ready to give Owen a piece of my mind...

I'm glad I didn't, for that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was in a relationship with Gwen, and Owen was Izzy's boyfriend.

...

Holy… Frickin'… Hell!

 _I_ was in a relationship with _Gwen_ , and _Owen_ was Izzy's _boyfriend_!? WHAT!?

I was with _her_!? She and I were a couple!? Her... with me? I had no idea what was going on right now. I couldn't believe that something like this could ever happen to me!

This was despite the fact that tons of seemingly-impossible stuff had already happened to me. It was just one shock after another, and it was only the first day!

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.

Was this some sick joke? Because if so, that's not funny, Matt!

So Gwen and I were a couple. Needless to say, it took me quite some time to digest that fact.

"Hey Gwen, I checked my horoscope, and it says that you're going to get a massive beat down during the course of the season." Heather said, laughing.

"A horoscope? What's that Heather? A telescope that can only see _your_ face?" I asked smugly. That shut her up. That shut her up _real_ good.

"Nice!" Gwen said as we high-fived.

At least _she_ was still as bitchy as ever. You better watch out, Heather. I've got a sharp tongue and I'm not afraid to use it.

More people went up to join us. We now had all the people from Total Drama Island who would also be competing on Total Drama World Tour, or so I assumed.

It wasn't until afterward that I noticed that something seemed a bit… off. Something just didn't feel right, but I just couldn't pinpoint _what_ exactly. Hate when that happens!

"And now to mix things up and keep it all fresh, we're adding two new competitors!" Chris said over-zealously.

"He's an honor-roll student with a diplomat for a dad and an amazing ability to charm the pants off most species… Alejandro!"

The Spanish Casanova stepped out of the bus, and immediately, almost all of the female eyes fell upon him as he came up to join us.

"Hello, amigos... and ladies..." He said in his charming Latino voice.

Most of the women among us were swooning over him like they had swooned over Justin two seasons ago. It was really pissing off all of us dudes who were 'normal-looking'. Ugh. So gag-worthy.

"And _she's_ a sugar-addicted superfan, with sixteen Total Drama blogs… Sierra!"

The teenage girl was practically spazzing out at the mere sight of us. It was unnerving, really. It also made me wonder just how many other crazy superfans there were for the show. I heard some crackpots even wrote stories about us. 'Fanfics', they called them. It just seemed creepy on so many levels.

The girl then started fawning over Cody. Poor guy. He would have to endure a lot from that girl. Like, ' _a lot_ ' a lot.

And yet the unusual feeling overcame me once again. I go the sense that something was not right. Not in the "foreboding" sense, but in the "weird" sense.

I looked around, doing a quick head-count. Was someone missing that was supposed to have been there? No. It was quite the opposite… on the contrary, it seemed as if there was someone extra! There were twenty of us on the runway (including Chef and Chris) rather than the nineteen that had been there the first time around.

My eyes glazed over the competitors one by one until… aha! Ezekiel! He wasn't supposed to be here!

Wait. No. That's not right. I looked again until my eyes landed upon a tall figure with black hair wearing a light-green shirt with a black handprint on it. And this meant that the person could be none other than…

TRENT!?

DAFUQ!? Why on Earth was _Trent_ here!? This was season _three_ for goodness sakes! What reason could there possibly be for the guitarist being here!?

My thoughts were disrupted by a jarring sound entering my ears. A giant gray plane with a picture of Chris's face on the side rumbled its way up to us, prompting moans, groans, and confused stares.

"We have to tour around the world in _that_?" DJ asked us in a hushed tone.

"Excuse me, but I'd like to express some concern about the safety of our plane." Courtney piped up.

"Relax. It's perfectly safe." Chris said.

It had been not two seconds after those words left his mouth when a portion of the plane fell off and tumbled onto the ground with a 'clank'.

"Now boarding!" The host said with a smile.

"No! I can't ride in that!" Owen said fearfully.

The overweight Canadian began loudly voicing his displeasure.

"Call the United Nations! Call a cab! Call my mom! No! I'm not doing this! I'm out! This is unethical!"

"CLANG!" Chris smacked the fat boy upside the head with a metal pan.

"Mommy." Owen cried, falling to the floor.

"My trusty frying pan never fails. Anybody else got a problem with it?" Chris asked.

"No!", "Love it.", and "Dibs on the window seat." were the replies.

"Hey Chris, you should save that thing for when it's raining, then you could use your trusty frying pan as a drying pan!" Cody said.

"Now boarding… on a voyage to a million big ones!" The host said, ignoring the geek.

"We're saving _you_ a First Class seat for all the action." He pointed straight at the main camera. "Right here, on TOTAL… DRAMA… WOOOOORLD TOOOOOUR!"

"Seriously?" Everyone was thinking it. Duncan was just saying it.

A person finds themselves in a strange place with no idea of how he got there and things looking drastically different from they expected it too. This situation was so cliche.

Did I say that this season was going to be a piece of cake? Boy was I wrong. Oh so very wrong. Man! This was going to be harder than I thought. Much, much harder.

There was a fecal hurricane of epic proportions hurtling directly towards me at warp speed. I was in its path and there was no way to stop it. Dodging it was out of the question. It was coming right at me. When it collides, all hell will break loose. **[1]**

I was in for a _looooong_ season.

Noah Carter, welcome to hell.

* * *

 **[1]** I have no idea what this means. It probably makes absolutely zero sense, but it sounds cool so I'll leave it up.

Heh. More like 'Total _Trauma_ World Tour', amirite guys? *Chuckles at lame joke*

Hope that was enough Noah for your liking. If not, don't worry. There'll be plenty more Noah to satisfy your Noah addictions you, you… 'Noah-addicts'!

* * *

Who _is_ Matt, really?

What happened between the first through third seasons?

When did Gwen and Noah hook up?

Where did Izzy and the Brainiac go wrong?

Why in God's name is Trent here!?

How the hell am I going to answer all these questions?

I guess you'll all find out sooner or later… on Noah's Tour of the World!


	2. Enter the Drama

Guys, I know you have been eagerly awaiting the release of my second chapter. I was in my last semester of college and had a lot of stuff to deal with. Tests, Projects, Exams, Seminars, you name it.

That's all behind me now, and my life as a college student is over. :'( *sobs*

So anyway I'm hoping for faster updates and fewer cases of absenteeism. Fingers crossed. :P

* * *

So I had an idea to write a fic where Chris secretly pays Alejandro to do the dirty things he does in season 3. I have since dropped that plot and switched to this one instead. If anyone is starved for story ideas, you can pick it up. Just be sure to credit me and inform me. I want to see how it turns out. :D

As noted before, this story will be completely different from "Total Drama Redemption" in terms of format. I will not be dividing chapters on the basis of days. I will rather end the chapter whenever I feel like it. It puts me in charge more and you guys off guard more. Haha!

* * *

Also starting from this chapter, there will be a couple of additional features at the beginning of the chapters:

Each area will be referred to as a 'Destination' while chapters that take place in that area will be referred to as a 'Part' and with parentheses around them. So it'll be like 'Destination X (Part Y)'

Next, the place where the contestants are competing will be the 'Venue' and the City/ State/ Province/ Country will be included in the 'Location'.

I think it's fair to say that many of you are confused, so just read on to see an example of the above being implemented below.

Without further ado, it's chapter two!

* * *

 **\- Chapter ii -**

* * *

 **Destination 1 (Part One) – Enter the Drama**

 **Current Venue:** Toronto Pearson International Airport

 **Geographical Location:** Toronto, Ontario [Canada]

* * *

Chris led us all into the plane. Some of us were more anxious to enter it than others.

"Well, we've done so much already. Why not this?" Bridgette said, stepping in.

The giant gray machine clanged as we all entered it.

Well, at least I can rack up some frequent-flyer miles.

The part of the plane we were in was quite spacious. It had two big wooden tables with a bunch of chairs surrounding it. It was also well lit, with a couple of lamps above us.

It was then that we began to address the small caveat in our contracts for season three. I still remember it to this day. It was written that:

 _'Every contestant must sing at least once per every challenge, or run the risk of getting disqualified.'_

Courtney had brought the contract with her and was overjoyed the addition of this part. Needless to say, the rest of us weren't quite as ecstatic.

"Singing? Really!? I thought Chris was joking about that." Gwen said.

"Well, I don't have a problem with it." The ex-CIT said.

"Yeah. Cause you _like_ singing." Leshawna told her.

"Well, I don't." Mr. Mohawk piped up. "Girls sing. Little birdies sing. 'Duncans' do not sing."

"Think I'll get to beatbox?" Harold asked.

"I'll beatcha if you try!" Duncan threatened.

"Why are you doing this to us?" Heather asked the host.

"Singing reality shows are huge!" Chris exclaimed. "And, the worse the singing, higher the ratings, which, is why on _this_ show, there will be no vocal coaches, or rehearsals, or warnings!"

Well, that's just effin' great.

There were a lot of groans and moans of frustration, all of which were ignored by the host.

"I bet you're only doing this because ' _Phineas and Ferb_ ' is such a big hit." Harold said.

Ah yes. I have fond memories of that show. It was an entertaining one. It had ended now, though.

"Damn it, Harold. Don't name TV shows which we don't have the rights to!" Chris said agitatedly.

"Oops. Sorry. Can't you just edit that part out though?" The lanky nerd asked.

"Well… yeah…" Chris said.

"Then what's the big deal?"

"It's extra work for our crew. Just… don't do it, alright?"

"Fine."

"…Anywho, this is the Dining Area where you'll enjoy in-flight meals." Chris said of the room we were all standing in. Well, it was cleaner than the Mess Hall, I'll give it that much.

"Not for long, eh! Prepare to lose to the Zeke!" Ezekiel said, raising his fists up in excitement.

"Okay… _So_ not trying to be mean here, but you do know you got voted out first last time, right?" Gwen asked, referring to his time on The Island.

"Word. And I've spent every minute since making sure that doesn't happen again." Ezekiel replied. "I'm stronger, faster, smarter-"

"Chattier, blabbier, can't-shut-up-ier!" Chris interrupted. "Now zip it and let me finish the tour so we can get this bird in flight!"

"Is there a Ladies' Room?" Leshawna asked.

"Just through there." Chris said, jerking his thumb further down the aisle to the right of us.

"Good. Cause I gotta make a deposit." The girl went off to the restroom.

Some of the contestants engaged in chit-chat while waiting for Leshawna to finish her business. I was about to chat up some people when she reappeared. She was back quickly, done in a jiffy. I'm guessing the fact that there was a camcorder in the potty (again) had something to do with it.

"What the hell Chris? There's a camera in there!" She said furiously.

"Um... ya. What'd you expect?" The host chuckled to himself. Couldn't fault him there.

Chris continued on with the tour of the jumbo jet. There were two doors on the two sides of the Dining Room. Chris led us to the door on the left of us, taking us into another room.

There were two wooden planks on the left and right side of the room, with five windows on each side. There were also two sets of overhead compartments for storage of bags, equipment, and the like.

"Losing teams will enjoy luxurious Economy Class accommodations between destinations."

"Okay. But where are our beds?" Lindsay asked.

"Owen, care to demonstrate?" The host mentioned to the big oaf. He had strapped himself to the wall and was sitting on a long plank of wood, drooling and mumbling to himself as he attempted to sleep.

"That does not look comfortable." Heather said after taking one look at Owen.

"No comfort for losers." Chris said nonchalantly. "Safety harnesses and an emergency exit, but no comfort here, here or here." The host said, pointing to various sections of Economy Class.

"Hahaha O-M-G Chris I am just L-O-L." Sierra said. I couldn't tell if she was just sucking up to Chris or if she genuinely found Chris's lame-ass joke funny. It was probably the latter.

"We should hit the winner's compartment, eh." Ezekiel said. "Cause I ain't _never_ gonna sit back here! Hah! Never!"

I caught a whiff of his stinky breath as it wafted over to me. Ugh!

"Is 'never' your policy on mouthwash too, home-school?" I asked, desperately waving my hands in front of me in an effort to make the smell go away.

"Alright. Now that you've had a look at the Loser's Lounge, let's go visit First Class!" Chris said.

That prospect excited most of us.

"I hardly see how this dump can be called a lounge." Gwen said to me. I chuckled.

We followed Chris up past the Cafeteria / Dining Area to the front side of the plane.

First Class looked swanky and elegant. There were leather sofas, plush velvet reclining seats and even a food bar. Simply marvelous. It was exactly how I remembered it.

"This is the First Class cabin, the domain of each week's winners." Chris said as we looked on in awe at the grandeur of the section.

I saw Alejandro talking flirtatiously with Lindsay.

Tyler attempted to do a backflip to gain her attention, but failed miserably at it.

"Is there a Confessional that isn't in the restroom?" Heather asked, slightly ticked off.

"Yep. It's in the cockpit, at the front of the plane." Chris replied.

Even further ahead was a room that was even grander than First Class. There was a piano, a wood-burning oven, a hot-tub Jacuzzi and a giant-screen TV.

"What's that, Chris?" Owen asked, pointing to the lavish room from the First Class cabin.

"These are my quarters, and they're off limits!" Chris exclaimed.

Chris made us gather back in the Dining Room for some announcements. I plopped down in a seat next to Ezekiel. Not because I wanted to, but because it was the only seat left.

"And that's pretty much it. I skipped the Cargo Hold and Galley, but I'm sure you'll find those exciting destinations later when I 'accidentally' lock you in them." Chris said with a wry smile.

I had been carrying my duffel bag around all this time without even knowing what was in it. I set it down, opened the zipper and examined the contents.

Inside was the usual stuff. There were some tubes of toothpaste, a bar of soap, a toothbrush, and a bunch of clothes. It was the same pair of clothes that I had worn for season one. There were multiple pairs of the same pieces of outerwear: Short blue sleeves that overlapped long white ones, a blue collar and a red middle, and baggy green shorts.

Then there were the novels. A whole set of them.

 _Matt, you know me so well._

What caught my eye was a metal silver-cased watch with a gold bezel and black dials and hands. It had a white crystal coating. The numbers on the watch were all written in bright blue. I took off my old watch and replaced it with this one.

I was rummaging through my clothing when my hands felt something hard. I pulled out something rectangular. It was a mini-laptop or netbook.

I opened it and found a sticky-note attached inside it. The note read ' _From your good friend, Matt'_

I had no idea what to do with the laptop, as there was no internet connection on the plane and Chris had forbidden us from using our technology, so I quickly put it inside. It must have been there for a reason.

The plane engines rumbled began to take off.

"Houston, we have liftoff." Harold said, mimicking the voice of a spaceman.

The plane shook, and Bridgette fell onto Alejandro's lap.

"Is the Earth moving?" She asked, in a daze.

"Nope. We are. Woohoo!" Izzy said, raising her hands up into the air.

"One more thing." Chris said. "I'm sure you'll remember a little something called the 'Elimination Ceremony'."

Oh, do I ever.

"Takes place right in there, my friends." Chris said, pointing at a door to his left. We all followed behind him like good little contestants.

We walked past the Economy Class and Chris opened the door to another room which was decorated with two Tiki idols. In between them was a door. The exit door.

"Welcome to the Elimination Chamber!" Chris announced.

"I knew we missed something." Gwen muttered.

I warned Ezekiel to keep his dumb mouth shut for I knew he would be tossed out of the plane at the rate he was yapping. He nodded his head in understanding.

"If you don't receive a barf bag full of airline-issued peanuts, you will be forced to take the Drop of Shame." Chris said.

"Barf bags? Yuck!" Heather said.

"It's pretty much the same rules of banishment as those of the last two seasons. The only change is that you'll have to take a plunge from about 35000 feet upon abolishment." Chris exclaimed gleefully.

"Well, that's not a big change at all." Duncan said sarcastically.

We had some downtime now and so we gathered in the Dining Area. The new guy came up to me and held out his hand. I shook it.

"Alejandro Burromuerto." Said the Latino. "Pleased to make your acquaintance. You must be Noah if I'm not mistaken."

"Yes, Noah. Noah Carter. Fluent in English, sarcasm and profanity." I said, introducing myself.

"Ha. That's clever." He said in a tone which made me wonder if he was mocking me or being genuine.

Hey! That's _my_ talent!

"Thank you." I replied, somewhat unsure of what to say.

"So how's that working out for you?" He asked.

"Huh?" I didn't quite understand him.

"Being clever?"

"…Great." I said.

"Keep it up then... Right up." He said with a sly grin, patting my back.

What was his game?

DJ sighed as he slumped in his seat. "Every second we're getting closer to adventure and further from Momma."

Sierra was staring longingly at Cody, who looked quite weirded out.

"Cody Emmett Jameson Anderson. I also happen to know that your birthday is April 1st. You're my very own April Fool." She said.

It was time to take a look at the newbies.

Sierra: The Obsessive Uber-Fan

Alejandro: The Multitalented Spanish Casanova

Sierra and Alejandro were the new kids on the block (though many would follow and Al and Sierra would soon become the game's oldest newcomers.)

To me, they screamed 'double standard'. I mean seriously, how the hell were the things they're doing acceptable in society?

Alejandro was like Justin 2.0. A direct upgrade. It's perfectly fine for Alejandro to flirt and charm many girls and he's revered as a badass because of this. If the situation was reversed and a woman seduced a lot of men, she would be called a slut or a whore.

On the other end was Sierra. Imagine if a man did to a girl all the things that she did to Cody. He would be claimed a perverted pedophile and be mercilessly beaten with a stick. But since Sierra's a girl and men like getting attention from women, it was perfectly acceptable.

Going back to the original timeline on Total Drama Island, if instead of Cody and me, there were two girls kissing each other, it would be awesome. Alas, it was two guys, so it was deemed 'gross' and 'disgusting'.

Society sickened me. It always had, but things like this just made me hate it even more.

 _*Ding ding*_

I heard the all too familiar sound of bells. It would soon be one that I would grow to hate.

Chris appeared in a tuxedo.

"Whenever you hear that friendly little bell, it's musical number time!" He announced. "So, let's hear it!"

"What are we supposed to sing?" Courtney asked.

"How the hell did you change clothes so quickly?" Leshawna asked.

"You have to make it up as you go. Wouldn't be challenging otherwise, now would it?" Chris replied, ignoring the second question.

Then they all began to sing. Yay! My favorite part of the show… not. The cast was singing 'Come Fly With Us'.

Frankly speaking, I was surprised that the gang had managed to put together a decent song on such short notice. Honestly, the only singer who looked like they were enjoying themselves was Courtney.

So there we were, flying high above the Atlantic Ocean in a seriously beat-up airplane, frickin' singing a merry tune. Meh. I've experienced worse.

I glanced out the window. Bad idea. One of the engines was burning. This trip just started and already we're having vehicular problems!

I uttered my (rather clever) line. "Come fly with us. Come die with us."

Duncan and Gwen were refusing to sing, so Chris went over to them with a copy of the rules, stating that those who don't sing would be kicked off.

At last, they sung, albeit reluctantly.

"THIS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!" Duncan said as we all waved jazz hands in a brilliant finish.

 _*beeeeep*_

The plane's Public Announcement System turned on.

"Enough singing, fruitcakes! Strap yourselves in! We are now beginning our descent into Egypt..." Chef announced.

"Musical numbers." Chef sarcastically stated. "Worst idea ever. Chris is such an idiot. Hey, why is the PA light still on? Oh shi-"

 _*Beep*_

Chef quickly switched off the intercom, but it was too late. We had heard everything.

There were giggles and guffaws exchanged at Chef Hatchet's screw-up.

"Egypt?" Tyler asked, scratching his head. "That's in Europe, right?"

"It's in Africa, you idiot." Trent said.

In fact, those were some of the first words I had heard Trent say this season. He had been awfully quiet thus far. This was a rather harsh thing for Trent to say.

"What do you think they'll make us do?" Lindsay asked.

"It can't be anything worse than what we've experienced so far, right?" Heather said.

"Come on, guys. Relax. It's our first challenge of the season. How hard can it be?" DJ asked.

Oh, poor DJ. Even after two seasons. You never learn, do you?

We had all set foot on Egyptian soil.

The pieces had entered the chessboard. Let the game begin.

* * *

So I guess the first chapter can be 'Part Zero' or something… watevs.

I know topics that were kind of serious were discussed in this chapter, but that's the way it's going to be. The world isn't all sunshine, rainbows, butterflies and My Little Ponies. Angst, anybody?

* * *

Now for another extra feature. I will have a sort of cheat sheet (or as I like to call it, "Seat Sheet") at the end of the chapters. This section will contain a list of all the contestants in and out in this season. It was severely lacking in TDR, so starting it right off the bat will hopefully make it easy for you readers to keep up with the fast-paced nature of the tournament.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Contestants:**

 **Girls -** Gwen, Heather, Izzy, Lindsay, Leshawna, Bridgette, Courtney, Sierra

 **Boys –** Duncan, Noah, Tyler, Trent, Harold, D.J., Cody, Owen, Ezekiel, Alejandro


	3. Pyramid Scheme

I know what you're thinking:

"Another chapter already?"

"For real?"

"No fifteen-week delay or something like that?"

Well, the answers are "yes", "yes", and "no", my friends.

I realize that a lot of time has been wasted and I want to make up for that lost time as well as make it up to you guys. :)

* * *

Okay, so, I finally found out how to make the story cover fill the whole space. (You have to save the image in a 6:9 ratio for those of you wondering.) You're welcome. :)

Oh, and one more thing. For those aspiring writers out there (yeah, you), I recommend the "Grammarly" Chrome extension. It's not foolproof, but it really helps eliminate unwanted errors that slip by Word's spellcheck feature. (I swear they didn't pay me to say that).

Anyway, let's get to what you came here for, Noah!

Goodness me! It's chapter three!

* * *

 **\- Chapter iii -**

* * *

 **Destination 1 (Part Two) – Pyramid Scheme**

 **Current Venue:** The Sahara Desert

 **Geographical Location:** Giza, Giza Governorate [Egypt]

* * *

We were all standing in the hot sands of the Libyan Desert on the outskirts of Cairo, the Egyptian capital.

Well, all of us except for Chris. He was in being fanned by an intern while sitting on a chair and sipping some lemonade like it was nobody's business. I really hate that A-hole!

Now I _have_ been on a plane before. I wasn't born in Canada. In fact, my family (me, father, mother, eight siblings) actually moved to Canada from India. The thing is, I was five years old at the time so I only have a faint recollection of it. However, I'm fairly certain that the plane was intact and not falling apart at the seams like the Total Drama World Tour Jumbo Jet was.

It had been more than thirteen years since I settled down with my family in Canada. After that, I had never set foot on an aeroplane, much less traveled in one. Until now, that is.

These were just some of the things that I talked about with my friends on the way here. It was great catching up with them again, if only the circumstances weren't so competitive.

I glanced at my watch. It was now 1:32 PM. We were getting fried and baked in the midday heat of the Egyptian sun. What better way to spend a vacation?

Then, I realized something. We had left from Toronto at around 10 o'clock in the morning. Wait a minute! I'm no geography expert (actually I am), but there was no way on Earth that we could fly from Canada to Egypt in three and a half hours, even if this was a parallel dimension! Something was off...

The clock must have adjusted itself! That was the only explanation I could conjure up.

Wow. A Universal Timepiece. What a sweet device you gave me, Matt. I'm sure this will come in handy later.

Harold observed the Jumbo Jet and commented on it. "This plane's design seems to be based on the Hughes H-4 Hercules, or 'Spruce Goose'. Interesting."

"I'll take 'Stupid Facts That Nobody Gives A Damn About' for $400, Alex." I said, earning a few laughs.

"Don't tell me that there's more than one of this piece of trash." Heather said.

"That's a person's reactions when they hear about your friends." I said to the Queen Bee, causing raucous laughter.

At that point, Chris finally acknowledged the fact that a bunch of teenagers were standing out in the sun and began to address us.

"Ex-campers! Welcome to your first challenge on TOTAL... DRAMA... WORLD TOUR!" He shouted from his megaphone.

We all covered our ears and screamed indecencies at the host.

Aw hell, Chris! Not again, goddammit!

"We're right here, you know. You don't have to yell at us through a megaphone!" Courtney said.

Chris pulled out the megaphone again. "I KNOW, BUT IT'S FUN!" He said, causing us to once again cover our ears.

"You guys ready for a little fun, huh?" He said, sipping his juice and ignoring our complaints. "Wow! It's a scorcher out here, huh?"

 _Oh, really, Chris? I couldn't tell._

"I call today's challenge... 'Pyramid Over-Under'!" Said the host-with-the-least.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bridgette asked.

"Are we placing bets or something?" Duncan asked.

"You'll see." The host said, his eyes getting darker and darker. "You'll all see."

He laughed evilly, rubbing his hands together, creeping us all out. We stood, waiting for the maniacal laughter to subside.

Leshawna was none-too-happy about this. "An eleven-hour flight! Chef's in-flight cuisine! A forced musical number! _Now_ we've got a challenge!?" She asked.

"Don't you love this game?" Came the smug rhetorical reply from our host.

I mean, it's _Chris_. What the hell did you expect, girl?

We realized that protests were useless.

"Might as well do as we're told and get this crap over with." Gwen said.

Even the proponent of not doing what he's told, Duncan, agreed with the Goth.

"Now, I'd like you all to line up at the starting line right over there." Chris said, pointing to two poles placed in the sand, with a white piece of tape that extended from one pole to another in between them.

We all walked over to the aforementioned line. Tyler looked at the pyramids and struck up a conversation along the way.

"So, what is this place?" The jock asked, gazing at the huge marvelous wonder.

"Allow me to explain..." Harold said, taking in a deep breath.

"No! That won't be necessary!" Many of us cried out.

It was too late. The nerd went off on his mission of elaboration.

"The Great Pyramid of Giza (also known as the Pyramid of Khufu or the Pyramid of Cheops) is the oldest and largest of the three pyramids in the Giza pyramid complex bordering what is now El Giza, Egypt. It is the oldest of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, and the only one to remain largely intact."

"Oh, okay." Tyler said.

"But wait, there's more!" The bespectacled teen continued.

"Based on a mark in an interior chamber naming the work gang and a reference to fourth dynasty Egyptian Pharaoh Khufu, Egyptologists believe that the pyramid was built as a tomb over a 10 to 20-year period concluding around 2560 BC. Initially, at 146.5 meters or 481 feet, the Great Pyramid was the tallest man-made structure in the world for more than 3,800 years."

"I already know all this!" I said.

"Maybe, but they don't." The nerd said before spewing more useless facts.

"Originally, the Great Pyramid was covered by casing stones that formed a smooth outer surface; what is seen today is the underlying core structure. Some of the casing stones that once covered the structure can still be seen around the base. There have been varying scientific and alternative theories about the Great Pyramid's construction techniques. Most accepted construction hypotheses are based on the idea that it was built by moving huge stones from a quarry and dragging and lifting them into place."

"Tyler?" I said, getting the jock's attention.

"Yes?"

"I hate you."

Harold rambled on. "There are three known chambers inside the Great Pyramid. The lowest chamber is cut into the bedrock upon which the pyramid was built and was unfinished."

And on. "The so-called 'Queen's Chamber' and 'King's Chamber' are higher up within the pyramid structure. The main part of the Giza complex is a setting of buildings that included two mortuary temples in honor of Khufu, one close to the pyramid and one near the Nile."

And on. "There were three smaller pyramids for Khufu's wives, an even smaller 'satellite' pyramid, a raised causeway connecting the two temples, and small mastaba tombs surrounding the pyramid for nobles."

"Well, that doesn't sound like a blatant rip-off of Wikipedia at all." Gwen said, rolling her eyes.

"I thought the aliens built the Pyramids?" Izzy said, confused.

"Thank you, Harold-pedia." Duncan said. He then shoved Tyler, who fell on the ground.

"Oof! Thanks a lot for that, Harold." The jock said, getting up and dusting himself off.

"No problem." The nerd answered.

Then, we had all reached he starting line. Thank goodness! We couldn't get here fast enough.

"It's like we're being cooked in a giant oven." Harold said. He was right. Most of us were sweating profusely.

"It might help if you weren't dressed like a giant baked potato!" Leshawna said, referring to the tinfoil hat Harold was wearing on his head.

"Aluminum foil means the aliens can't read your brains. It's a real problem in this area." Harold explained.

"It helps keep the Illuminati off your trail too." Izzy said.

 _*CLANG!*_

Chris banged two cymbals together, diverting our thoughts back to the challenge.

"Man! That's satisfying!" The host said afterwards.

Of course, he wanted _all_ of the attention to be on him _all_ of the time and was upset that he had to share any screen time with any of us throughout the course of the season.

"'Pyramid Over-Under' means _you_ choose how you'll get to the finish line. Either _over_ or _under_ the Pyramid. Got it?"

We all nodded our heads, well, sans Lindsay, who didn't quite understand, and Trent, who was busy drawing 'nines' in the dirt.

"One shudders to imagine what inhuman things lie within that Pyramid..." Cody commented. "What creatures of chronic and sustained cruelty?"

"Haha! Guess you'll just have to do the challenge and find out, Code-meister!" Chris said.

"Wait. Shouldn't it be 'Pyramid Over-Through' since we're going _into_ the Pyramid and not under it?" Tyler wondered.

"Shut the hell up, Tyler." Chris said.

Now would be the time when Ezekiel would suddenly barge in and request to join us again. This time, thanks to me, he hadn't gotten tossed out of the plane, so the prairie-boy was still standing here amongst us.

"So it begins, the great battle of our time." Cody said.

"Any questions?" Chris asked.

Almost immediately, eighteen hands shot up.

"No? Good!" The host said, ignoring us as usual.

"Ready… set… GO!"

 _*CLANG!*_

He banged the two cymbals together again, and we took off.

We ran up to The Pyramid, stopping once we got there. It was time for us to decide whether or not we would go under or over.

I eyed the Pyramid up and down. It stood at a whopping 456 feet from the base to tip according to my calculations (and possibly excessive study of Egyptian history).

"Come on Noah. Let's climb it together." Gwen said.

Some people would base their choice on fear, or what their friends were doing, or which way they felt would get them to the end the quickest. I, however, took my physique into account when deciding.

"Gwen, you know I'm athletically-challenged." I said. "Besides, do I really look like I would climb that thing? I'm going _under_ , thank you very much."

"Okay. Suit yourself." She then leaned in to kiss me. I returned the favor.

Her lipstick was a sweet, sugary blue-raspberry flavor. Izzy's was a tangy, soury orange flavor. Either way, it felt good.

I remember dreaming about something like this happening back on The Island.

"See you on the other side." Gwen said, smiling.

"Sure thing." I replied, smiling back.

Gwen went off to attempt to climb The Pyramid.

I had no idea how the heck I was supposed to take this.

So am I supposed to be a good boyfriend to Gwen, now? I was so confused. I think I'll just sit back and see where this ride takes me.

It was then that I realized that we were in the middle of a challenge.

Focus, Noah! You have a task to do! I entered the tunnel along with the others. The majority of us were going under as opposed to over. It was probably because we were trying to avoid the heat.

I entered the tunnel along with the others. The majority of us were going under as opposed to over. It was probably because we were trying to avoid the heat.

Unfortunately for us, the inside of the Pyramid was dry and arid, just like the desert outside. There were huge slabs of limestone that were laid one on top of the other. It was similar to how bricks would be laid when constructing a house. I found it amazing that humans could accomplish such a feat.

"It took more than five million blocks of limestone to build this pyramid." I told Owen.

"Limestone? Does it taste like lime?" Owen asked, licking the walls.

"Aliens did it." Izzy claimed.

I just shook my head dumbfounded. We were walking through an ancient historical landmark and barely anyone acknowledged it.

"Hey, Cody. How have things been going lately?" I asked him. Owing to the hectic start, we hadn't had much chance to catch up.

But he just kept walking down the path. Hm. Maybe he didn't hear me.

We came to a spork in the road. I say 'spork' instead of 'fork' as there were three other tunnels instead of the usual two. It was a weird expression anyway, since forks are usually four-pronged.

"Oh great. Our friendly neighborhood host-dude failed to mention there were different paths!" I said.

"Well, crap." Heather muttered.

"Damn. At least it was _bright_ outside." Cody said.

Each of the three entrances had a different symbol above it. The leftmost door had the female gender symbol or 'Venus' symbol on it. The door in the middle had a bug symbol on it. The rightmost door had a symbol of a mummy on it.

"Hey, Sierra, which way do you think we should go?" Heather asked, trying to butter up the uberfan.

The witch knew none of us would trust her. Her only way to form an alliance was with the new people.

"Me!?" The purple-haired girl asked, shocked. "Um.. uh… oh…"

"How do we know which way's right?" Owen asked.

"I know!" Izzy said excitedly. "Okay, I saw this in a spy movie once. You lick your finger and hold it up to find the airflow!"

Izzy then proceeded to lick her finger. "Mmmm. The sand really crunches in your teeth. Fun! Okay, DJ, give me your hand."

"Don't do it DJ! You might catch a case of crazy!" Leshawna said. "Come on Harold."

The three of them went into the door which had the symbol of the insect above it. Upon closer inspection, the insect seemed to resemble a scarab beetle.

"Oh-oh-oh! Let's take the scary mummy door!" Izzy said to us. Based on all my experience on The Island, let me tell you that when Izzy makes up her mind, you have no choice but to follow.

The three of us made our way through the dark passageway.

"Boy. I sure hope we made the right choice." Owen said as we were walking.

"I hope so too, Owen. For both of our sakes." I said.

 _Three tunnels diverged in a pyramid, and I—_

 _I took the one less traveled by,_

 _Will it make all the difference?_

* * *

Let me be honest with you. When I started writing this chapter, I had no idea how to end it. Hope it wasn't too bad...

Wow. This chapter was rather short. Hopefully, we'll see some chapters of increased length as the game progresses and subplots develop.

* * *

Will the next chapter have more or fewer words than this one? Find out next time on Noah's Tour of the World!

* * *

It's called the 'Seat Sheet' because it's like a 'sheet' of all the characters that still have a 'Seat' of the Total Drama plane. Clever, amirite? ;)

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Over –** Duncan, Gwen, Lindsay, Bridgette, Courtney, Alejandro

 **Under –** Noah, Heather, Tyler, Izzy, Leshawna, Trent, Harold, DJ, Cody, Owen, Ezekiel, Sierra

* * *

 **NEXT UP:** Teams are formed, and they don't quite turn out the way you'd expect them to be…


	4. Are You My Mummy

R.I.P. Muhammad Ali. Greatest boxer of all-time.

* * *

Hello out there, dudes! This is PurpleBandit3000. This time, I will try my hardest not to drop off the face of the Earth (again).

I'm sorry that the first couple of chapters are so episode-centric. I know it seems like I'm just transcribing the challenge word-for-word. Unfortunately, that's the way it has to be for now. Please bear with me. It gets better. I promise! :D

* * *

How has the story been so far? Is it the greatest thing you have ever read, making make James Joyce's ' _Ulysses'_ seem like it was written in crayon? Is it complete and utter dog poop which deserves to burn in hell? Let me know with a review or a PM. The approval of random strangers on the internet gives me sustenance.

I know you're hungry for more, so here's chapter four!

* * *

 **\- Chapter iv -**

* * *

 **Destination 1 (Part Three) – Are You My Mummy?**

 **Current Venue:** The Great Pyramid

 **Geographical Location:** Giza, Giza Governorate [Egypt]

* * *

I was walking with my close friend Owen and my ex-girlfriend Izzy down a dimly lit tunnel that hopefully led somewhere.

 _We were getting gypt in Egypt._

I don't know what was weirder: The fact that Cleopatra lived closer in time to the building of the first Pizza Hut than to the building of the Pyramids, or that wooly mammoths still roamed the Earth while the Pyramids were being built.

Izzy, who was walking in front of us, started doing that Egyptian dance routine with her hands. It didn't surprise me taking into account the fact that it was _Izzy_ who was doing it.

"This is where they get turned into mummies, right?" Owen recalled. "Oh, I heard about this. I got some questions, though."

"Ask away." I said.

"Let me get this straight, they ripped out your guts and they stuffed them in jars?" Owen asked.

"They take out your heart as well!" Izzy said from ahead. "Oh, and you know how they took out your brains?"

"Izzy, I don't think we need to know this..." I said, but she paid no heed to my words.

"They take a sharp, red hot poker, stick it up your nose, scramble things about a bit, and then rip it all out through your nostrils." The female said rather too gleefully

"Ooh, that's got to hurt." Owen winced.

"It's called 'mummification'. You'll be dead when they do this." Izzy said.

"For the record, if I don't make it out of here, don't put me down for mummification." Said Owen.

"Likewise." Was my comment.

"Say, Izzy, how do you know so much about mummies?" I asked the redhead.

"Are you kidding me? Mummies are awesome!" She replied ecstatically. "They're like my favorite thing in the whole wide world! Well, except for aliens, werewolves, mermaids, dragons, zombies, vampires and time-travelers. Say, it would be awesome if we could meet a time-traveler right now. Don't you agree, Noah?"

"Huh? Oh yeah. Of course." I said, tugging at my shirt collar in an attempt to hide my nervousness.

Izzy continued onward, doing whatever the heck it was that 'Izzies' do.

"I just hope we don't bring back Imhotep from the dead." I said to Owen.

It was meant to be a joke, but I could tell that the fat boy didn't find it funny. In fact, he was getting a bit freaked out by the whole ordeal.

"Imho- _what_!? Dead guys get brought back to life in here!?"

"No. Haven't you watched that movie?" I asked him.

"What movie?" He asked.

Nope, he hadn't. He kept chewing his fingernails and looking around suspiciously.

"Okay. Calm down, Owen."

"Sorry. I have clausi- classtr- I get scared when I'm in dark, closed spaces."

"Claustrophobia?" I asked.

"Yeah. That. I also get gassy while scared." _That_ worried me.

"There's nothing to fret about, Chubby Buddy. This whole place is actually just a giant graveyard where people come to die." I said.

Probably not the best choice of words to say in order to calm someone down, but they worked. For the rest of the way, we walked in silence down the musty dark passageway.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for I am the baddest mofo in the entire valley.

"I see the light at the end of the tunnel!" Owen said.

Izzy stopped trying to Walk Like an Egyptian. The three of us gazed onwards at what laid ahead.

We reached a large open area. Long strips of linen cloth lay scattered in one part of the area. There was enough bondage to create a ' _Fifty Shades of Gray_ ' sequel.

"Aw, great," I bemoaned. "King Tut Maclean said there were catacombs, but I didn't think it would be this bad."

"Whoa look! We're in the Nurse's Office!" Izzy said excitedly.

"It's a pyramid, not a high school." I said. However, it was to no avail. The redhead ran over to the strips, her eyes filled with glee.

"Costume party!" She said, tossing us each a wad of bandages." Mummy me!"

"..."

"..."

Owen and I just stared at each other.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Izzy's gotten even crazier than she was the last time around.

Then, at that point in time, The Great Pyramid violently shook suddenly and without warning.

"Earthquake!" Owen screamed.

The ground, walls, and ceiling of the pyramid were shaking. Owen and I lost our balance and fell to the ground flat on our backs. There was dust everywhere, making it difficult to make out anything. I attempted to stand but was thrown down again. I heard a stone slide open and a 'thump'.

I got up coughing and wiped off the dust from my shirt. The dust had settled after a while.

"What the heck was that?" Owen asked me.

"I don't know." I said.

Owen looked around. "Hey, where's Izzy?"

"Well Owen, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands. _"_

The redhead was nowhere to be seen. I remembered the thump I heard. A trap door must have opened somewhere somehow and Izzy must have fallen in!

I remembered reading about this. When a pharaoh or person of great importance died, a multitude of their treasures and valuables were buried in their coffins alongside them. They were some rich people.

Elaborate traps were constructed within the pyramid in order to prevent tomb-raiders or hostile armies from entering the pyramids and plundering the loot. I think that the pyramid shaking was also the result of a trap being activated somewhere else.

"Izzy!? Izzy!?" Owen called out for my- err— _his_ girlfriend.

"Dude, she's lost. We've gotta go." I said.

"But she was your ex!"

"This place is booby-trapped. She fell down a door. It's no use trying to look for her. I'm sure she'll turn up okay."

"Hehe, you said 'booby'… I mean, 'poor Iz!'"

"Come on big boy. You don't want to lose the challenge, do you?" I asked.

I knew full well that this made me seem like a massive jerk, but there was really nothing we could do. I wasn't going to waste my time trying to figure out where some elaborately concealed trap door was.

"Well… no." Owen said.

"Just don't pull any levers, press any buttons, lean on any walls, or step on any platforms. In short, don't touch anything." I instructed.

"Why not?" Owen asked.

"Well, in the words of Admiral Ackbar, 'It's a trap!'." I said.

"No Izzy, scary pyramid, mummies all over, traps galore." Owen whimpered. "This is as bad as the plane!"

The pyramid was like a giant maze, full of twists and turns. I tried to recall how we had managed to exit the first time around. Owen walked behind me, frightened to the core. Things sure got quiet after Izzy wound up who-knows-where.

I tried to cheer him up.

"Hey Owen, what's a mummy's favorite kind of music? WRAP! Get it? Wrap? Haha."

No reply. I guess that was a joke which works better written down than said.

"This place is dead silent." Owen said.

" _Dead_ silent? Haha! Good one Owen!" I said.

"I wasn't joking, Noah. It's quiet in here. Too quiet."

"Oh, stop being so paranoid."

I observed the magnificent hieroglyphic that had been carved and engraved on the walls There were designs of all shapes and sizes, depicting many different things. They fascinated me. I wasn't fluent in hieroglyph, though, so I didn't understand what they meant.

All the better, I presumed, for I wouldn't want to read and find out about some 'horrible curse of the pharaohs' BS.

My only regret was that this was a challenge, so we were unable to take the time necessary to fully appreciate the beauty of what surrounded us.

"Wow. So people communicated mainly using symbols back then?" Owen asked.

"People _still_ communicate mainly using symbols, Owen." I said.

"Whoa! You're right, Noah. Mind-blown."

From hieroglyphs to emojis. Some things never change. Humanity had come full circle.

"The Arab Republic of Egypt is such a wonderful place." I said.

"Arab Republic?" Owen asked bemusedly.

"That's what it's officially known as."

"Oh." Owen said.

We walked for some more time. Man, this pyramid was huge. We entered a room where coffins were lined up against the walls. What was that word? Ah, 'sarcophagus'. A stack of linen cloth was situated in the center of the room.

Wait! That wasn't a stack of cloth. It was a _person_ wrapped in cloth! And the only person I know who would wrap herself in cloth was... Izzy!

"Hey, brick-house! I found your girl." I said to Owen.

"Iz! Say, you do make a cute mummy." The big guy said, lumbering over to her.

"My, you got a kiss for old Owen?"

Owen puckered up, but Izzy resisted.

Something was off here. It just didn't seem right. I saw the slow, encumbered movement of the bandaged person along with a muffled voice. Holy horseshoes! It's a mummy! Oh no! My entire body froze up, and then I panicked.

"That's not Izzy!" I cried out. "Ruuuuun!"

"A mummy!? Holy testicle Tuesday!"

Owen pushed the mummy away, and we both began running as fast as we could. Fear was our fuel. I didn't know my body could reach this level of speed. Dark tunnels! Coffins! Mummies!

"Aaahh! Real monsters!" We screamed all the way to the exit.

At last, we had finally escaped out of that treacherous pyramid.

In hindsight, I guess I should have realized that there was no such thing as live mummies. I should not have sprinted off in terror like that. Shameful performance considering I've already been here before. I guess it was a 'spur of the moment' kind of thing. I am most disappointed in myself.

Owen and I crossed the finish line. Leshawna was the only person who had finished. Chris was standing next to her, dressed in ridiculous Egyptian attire.

"About damn time someone else got here." He said.

I collapsed in the sand, staring up at the sky. Never thought I'd be so glad to be outdoors.

"The Arab Republic of Egypt is such a horrible place." I said, panting.

Leshawna shot me a weird look.

"You okay sugar?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah."

I regained my composure. It wasn't socially acceptable for men to be scared of things.

"So what happened to Harold and DJ?" I asked Ms. Large-and-in-charge.

"The pyramid shook and a bunch of creepy-crawly bugs fell on us. We all ran through different paths. I guess mine was the correct one since I got here first."

Aha! My hypothesis was correct. The pyramid _was_ shaking as the result of a trap being activated somewhere else.

"Oh okay. Izzy got separated from us too." I told her.

"Boy, I sure hope she's okay." Owen said.

"This is _Izzy_ you're talking about. Honestly, I'd be more worried about the pyramid staying intact." Said Leshawna.

So Owen and I were the second and third ones out of the pyramid. Wow. And here I thought we were in there for a long time.

"Hey Chris, do I get a prize for winning the challenge and all?" Leshawna asked the host.

"You'll see." Chris replied.

At that point, a female figure ran towards us. It was Sierra.

"Oh God, it was, like, so awful!" She wailed. "There was, like, screams echoing all over the whole pyramid! It sounded like people were being murdered! I thought someone was coming back from the dead like in one of those horror movies!"

"…"

Crap. She was referring to the hollering that Owen and I did.

"Oh no, Noah." Owen said fearfully. "The mummy returns!" He hid behind me, pointing at the exit.

There was that person wrapped in mummy bandages walking towards us.

The 'mummy' removed the cloth from his head, revealing himself to be Ezekiel.

"Ezekiel's a mummy!?" Owen asked. Then he fainted.

"Thanks for the help, you knobs!" Zeke said to us. I just smiled embarrassedly.

"Go ahead and join Team One." Chris said.

"Alright!" Ezekiel said, coming over to us.

Meanwhile, at the top, Bridgette, Alejandro, and Lindsay all rode down from the top of the pyramid on top of a sign.

"Way to think out of the box, Bridgette!" Leshawna said.

The three of them walked towards us. Bridgette went through, but Chris stopped Lindsay and Alejandro from entering.

"Not so fast. This season, _three_ teams!" The host said, holding up three fingers as everyone else gasped.

"My, what a twist." I flatly stated.

"Bridgette rounds out Team One. Lindsay and Alejandro, you guys are the first members of Team Two." Chris said.

Lindsay was happy. Alejandro, not so much.

Chris addressed the teen. "If it's any consolation, you do get-"

"Yes. I can come out now!" Trent said, running over to us. "I'm ninth, right?"

"Um.. yeah. But why does that matter?" Chris asked.

"Yipee!" Trent said, jumping up and down excitedly.

Wow. Had he been waiting there all along just so he could come out ninth? I don't want to ask.

"Uh- Trent, is it?" Alejandro asked, less than pleased.

The musician was still jumping around like a madman.

"Trent, you're the third member of Team Two." Chris said.

"Well, nine's a multiple of three so I guess that's cool." He said, joining his team members.

"You also get-"

Tyler fell down the pyramid and face-planted in the sand. "Oof! Ooh! Aah! Ooh!"

"Congratulations!" Chris said.

"That's… wonderful." Alejandro said though I knew he was internally cursing himself.

Sucks for you!

I had to be careful of this one. He had already gotten Bridgette to practically want to have his babies.

Tyler trudged over to join the second team.

Harold and DJ scampered out of the pyramid, with the nerd still wearing his ludicrous tinfoil hat.

"Harold, DJ, you guys are both on Team Two." Chris said.

"In Egyptian, it's 'itnan'." Harold said.

He was referring to the Arabic number system which the Egyptians used. Just Harold being Harold.

"OMG, it's Cody!" Sierra screamed, pointing at the exit.

Indeed, it was. Heather and Cody emerged from the Pyramid, both looking seriously pale and exhausted when they ran out.

Heather was the first to say something.

"Thank goodness we finally got out of there." She said, gasping for air. "Those echoing screams were the most horrible things I've heard."

Oh man, where our screams that loud?

"You know, chubby buddy," I whispered to Owen. "We're never going to live this down if they all figure out it was us."

"I won't tell if you won't, little buddy." Owen assured me.

"I feel like Lara Croft." Cody said.

"Heather and Cody, you'll be on Team Three!" Chris said.

"In Egyptian, it's-"

"No one cares, Harold." Chris said, cutting the nerd off.

Almost all of us had arrived except for a select few. Despite my sarcastic comment earlier, I _did_ think that it was rather ingenious of Chris to use a challenge as a way to divide us into teams. I wasn't surprised now since I already knew it was going to happened.

Izzy ran out of the pyramid wrapped in bandages. So _she_ was the mummy. Mystery solved.

"Woohoo! I love cosplay!" The crazy redhead said, taking off her bandages.

"Okay. I'm not gonna ask." Chris told her. "You're on the third team."

She went to join Team Three.

"Hey, where's Gwen?" Owen asked me.

How the heck was I supposed to know, Owen? It's not like she's my girlfriend or anyth- oh wait.

"I'm telling you we need to untie!" I heard Gwen yell from the top of The Great Pyramid of Giza. Right on cue!

Gwen, Duncan, and Courtney were all tied together at the top of the pyramid. They were all arguing about what their next course of action should be.

Chris noticed the tension and pulled out his megaphone so he could escalate it.

"Oh, kiiiiiids!" Chris called gleefully.

 _*Ding ding*_

He rang the bell.

"Recognize that sound? Time for whoever's not finished yet to give us a little musical reprise!"

"What's a reprise?" Lindsay asked.

"In music, a reprise is the repetition or reiteration of the opening material later in a composition as occurs in the recapitulation of sonata form, though—originally in the 18th century—was simply any repeated section, such as is indicated by beginning and ending repeat signs." Harold said, giving a rather long explanation which seemed like it was plagiarized straight from Wikipedia.

"You said _one_ song per episode!" Duncan shouted back at Chris from the top of the pyramid.

"Yeah, and this is a _reprise_ , not a new song so if you don't sing, you're out! Now let's hear it!" Chris threatened.

"You know what? NO!" Duncan stated firmly. He jumped down the pyramid steps irate, pulling Courtney and Gwen behind him. "No no no no no no no no."

Makes me wonder why he didn't just do that earlier.

Duncan reached the bottom and went into rage mode.

"Three _hours_ of these two squawking on this stupid pyramid in this stupid heat... and you want me to _SING_!? Forget it!"

"Dude, you have a contract." Chris said.

"Eat it, Maclean!" Duncan shouted back. "If you need me, I'll be on the plane waiting for a ride home because I'm out. Done! I QUIT!"

The frustrated Duncan took out his pocket knife and cut the rope tied around his waist.

At this point, we were really hoping that Duncan would beat Chris to a pulp. Instead, he stormed off to the plane, leaving the two girls in the dust. Courtney's face carried a look of absolute shock.

"So I'm the only dude on a team with four super-hot uber-babes? Sweet!" Cody said, rejoicing.

"Hey! That's my girlfriend you're talking about!" Duncan, Owen and I said at the same time.

"Courtney, Gwen, go join team-"

"'Talatah', or 'three'." Harold said, thereby cutting the host off.

"Am I the only one around here that doesn't give a damn about the rules!?" Duncan furiously kicked the plane, causing a random piece to fall off with a 'clank'.

"Hey! That's very valuable property you're damaging!" Chris shouted indignantly.

"Oh please. If anything, it was a design improvement." I said, prompting some snickers.

"F**k off." Duncan said, flipping Chris off.

Those were the last words the punk said before entering the plane.

"Yeesh! What is with you kids these days?" Chris asked, disgusted. "Anyway, here are your rewards."

The host pointed to a wooden platform upon which there stood a camel and a goat.

"Team Three, you win a camel." Izzy clapped, others looked confused members

"Team Two, you win a goat." Said goat then head-butted Tyler, slamming him to the ground.

"... andTeam One, here you go." Chris pulled out a stick and tossed it to our team.

These teams weren't anything like I remembered. This could seriously screw things up.

"So the guys who come in last get a camel and we get a stick?" Leshawna asked.

"All will be explained… _if_ I feel like it!" Chris turned to the cameras and pointed at them.

"Who's he talking to?" A befuddled Lindsay asked.

Chris concluded the episode. "Next time! Right here! On Total… Drama… Woooooorld Toooooooour!"

* * *

Wow. I can't believe I managed to squeeze out four chapters from just one episode.

Threw you guys a curveball with the different teams, didn't I?

Can't say I didn't tell you about this beforehand, though.

From the final chapter of 'Total Drama Redemption' – " New friends. New enemies. New format. **New teams**! O_O "

You can recheck it if you like. Haha ;)

* * *

So Duncan refused to sing (again) and now he's gone (again). Thoughts?

How will the teams fare in the next challenge?

Will the change in team composition twist the way things go this time around? You bet your butt they will!

Will the fact that both the Copa America and UEFA Euro futbol tournaments are starting soon cause a slowdown in the rate of which new chapters get published?

Will I ever stop blatantly copying content from other websites?

You'll just have to wait until the next chapter gets published to find out.

Ciao! Bandit out!

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Unnamed Team 1 –** Leshawna, Noah, Owen, Sierra, Ezekiel, Bridgette [Reward: Stick]

 **Unnamed Team 2 –** Alejandro, Lindsay, Trent, Tyler, Harold, DJ [Reward: Goat]

 **Unnamed Team 3 –** Heather, Cody, Izzy, Courtney, Gwen [Reward: Camel]

 _ **Disqualified** \- Duncan_


	5. Smells Like Team Spirit

I am truly horrified by the tragic shooting in Orlando. R.I.P. :'( #MoreLoveLessHate

* * *

NOTE: I'm constantly refurbishing this story by tweaking the chapters a bit, so some chapters will look different if, and when, you read them again.

I realize that I have managed to shock many of you with my fast updates, so I have decided to l slow down the updates. Just like old times. ;)

Hey, when you gotta write, you gotta write.

The Purple Bandit's Warning – Before we proceed any further, I'd like to issue a fair warning that, for better or worse, things aren't exactly going to be the same as the first time around. There will be changes which are hard to believe. All I ask is that you at least try to believe and accept them. You have been warned.

This should be an excellent opportunity to log out of the computer, cell phone, or tablet on which this fic is being read. It's still not too late to read a story about a happy little elf.

If you _do_ wish to proceed, then look alive, because we're at chapter five!

* * *

 **\- Chapter v -**

* * *

 **Destination 1 (Part Four) – Smells Like Team Spirit**

 **Current Venue:** The Sahara Desert

 **Geographical Location:** Giza, Giza Governorate [Egypt]

* * *

 _So a camel, a goat, and a stick walk into a bar…_

The seventeen of us were all gathered at the finish line, which had now become the starting line for part two of this challenge.

"Making a season-premiere which consists of two episodes? That's simply ingenious, Chris." Sierra said.

"I know." Chris said, graciously accepting the compliment.

Oh, joy. I couldn't wait for what surprises he had in store for mid-season.

Each team was glancing over their rewards, wondering what to do with them and whether or not they were actual rewards. Were they helpful or harmful?

There was also chit-chat over the Duncan fiasco and whether or not he deserved to get disqualified for not singing. But it wouldn't matter how much Courtney protested, for Chris was always going to have his way in the end. There was no getting around the red tape.

How ironic was it that Courtney, someone who always follows the rules, was now protesting against them?

Meanwhile, bad boy Duncan was just sitting in the plane chillin' like a villain. It was such a BS rule about people not singing getting disqualified. I could recall dozens of instances where not everyone sang and yet Chris either missed it or ignored it.

I'm guessing he just wanted Duncan to get riled up and go on a tirade or do something that would cause ratings to soar. Well if he wanted ratings, he had gotten it. It was at the cost of one of the show's most popular contestants, though. Poor Courtney. She looked distraught. I felt bad for her.

Nah. Scratch that. Courtney's a bitch.

Over in the second team, DJ was crying over some stuffed dog that he had destroyed back in the pyramid, Harold was blabbering something about fifty rare facts that he knew about Egypt, Tyler was trying to get Lindsay to know that he existed, Trent was rambling on and on about how there should be nine teams of nine members each, and Alejandro was silently flirting with Bridgette, who was on my team.

Eel-ejandro had it out for us. We had better watch our backs.

"Hey, Bridgette. Can we focus here?" I asked the athletic blonde.

"Hm? Oh yeah, sorry." She said.

We couldn't afford to have any distractions, and if that meant me taking on the unlikely role of team leader, so be it.

I went over to the third team to talk to Gwen.

"So… how's your team?"

"My arch-enemy, a boy with the hopeless crush on me, a girl who's been a whining baby ever since she got kicked off The Island, and a crazy nutcase. It's official. God hates me." Gwen lamented.

I chuckled. "Better than competing against them." I said, trying to encourage her.

"I just wish there was one friendly face. Ugh! Why didn't I go with you or Leshawna?"

I didn't get a chance to talk further as Chris cleared his throat and began to speak.

"Okay, teams! Talk amongst yourselves and determine a team name. You have three minutes while I enjoy this ice cream cone."

He held up a cone with a dollop of strawberry ice cream on it and began to eat it. Here were the seventeen of us teenagers being cooked alive in this blistering heat while our sadistic host happily licked his ice cream.

"I really hate that man." I said to myself. Hey Chris, I got something else for you to suck on!

On another note, wow, we hadn't even named our teams yet.

So what would our team be called this team around?

The third team immediately yelled "Team Amazon!" with Courtney accidentally kicking Cody in the balls. Ouch.

The girls would be running the show, but I don't think Cody would mind given his nature. He was in seventh heaven right now, no doubt.

In Greek mythology, the Amazons were a race of fierce female warriors. It was a fitting name for a team full of dominant alpha-females, even of two of them were stuck-up brats.

The members of our team were arguing over what we should call ourselves. Bridgette wanted something cute, Leshawna something strong, Owen something food-related, and Ezekiel something cool.

I was trying to think of a badass team name like 'The Kobold Necromancers' or 'Knifez R Us' or even 'The Purple Bandits'.

And that's when Sierra blurted out "Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot!"

"WHAT!?" The rest of us gasped.

Of course, there was no way that our host was going to allow our team to have any other name. Great. Different team members, same stupid team name.

"Alright! Best team name ever!" He said, flashing two thumbs up.

Ugh. I was on a team named after one of the people I despise the most. Could it get any worse?

The last team was also having trouble deciding what they should call themselves.

"Team number one and number two." Tyler brilliantly suggested.

Then Alejandro seemed as if he had figured it out.

"We shall call ourselves… Team Epic." He said, the words rolling out of his tongue effortlessly.

"Epic?" Trent asked. "We should be Team Nine!"

"No. It should be Team Epic. As we are going on a long awesome adventure on the way to crush our competition!" He gave a rallying cry.

"Yay Team Epic!" They cheered.

"Okay… then the team names have been decided. Team Amazon, Team Epic and Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Really Really Hot."

"I think there were only four 'really's." I said.

"It's a good thing you guys didn't name yourselves 'Team Victory' or something like that since you guys won the challenge. Boy, it would have been really ironic if you guys had called yourselves that and then proceeded to lose challenge after challenge, haha."

Yes. I couldn't imagine what the show would be like if that happened.

"Wait. We only have five members while the other two teams have six." Heather said. "How the heck is that fair?"

You're one to talk about fairness, Heather.

"Duly noted, Heather. That is an excellent question. And you have Duncan McQuittyPants to thank for that. He was supposed to be on your team, but I guess he won't be joining you guys. Sucks for you." Chris jeered.

The members of Team Amazon began to protest vehemently but to no avail.

"This will be very interesting indeed." The metrosexual Maclean mused as he sipped on his lemonade without a care in the world.

Chris was supposed to have given us our rewards at around this time, but in this version, we had already received our rewards.

"Hey Noah, what's brown and sticky?" Owen asked me.

"Um.. dog poop?"

"Nope. A stick!" He said holding up our reward.

"Heh. Good one." I said.

"What's Brown and rhymes with Snoop?" I asked him.

"I don't know."

"Dre." I said, causing Owen to chuckle.

I took the stick from Owen and gave it to Leshawna, instructing her to keep a close watch over it.

"Um.. you _are_ aware that it's a stick?"

"Yes. But Chris must have given it to us for a reason. I trust you not to fool around with it like the others."

"Okay..."

One stick to rule them all, One stick to find them, One stick to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

DJ went to pet his team's goat, but he accidentally poked it in the eye. The goat cried out in pain and ran to Alejandro, who comforted it.

Thus begins the Curse of the Mummified Dog.

I don't know if it was on purpose, but Owen started nose-whistling 'O Canada', which was patriotic as hell.

Izzy and Sierra (A.K.A. crazy and crazier) were conversing nearby.

"Did you know Cody slept with a stuffed emu named Jerry until he was?- well okay, he still does…" Sierra said guiltily.

How the heck did she know that!?

"And you know this _how_?" I asked suspiciously.

"I called his aunt once. I pretended I was a telemarketer!" The purple-haired girl said giddily.

"Oooo stalker-licious!" I commented sarcastically.

Seriously, there are certain things that must be kept a secret, even from those closest to you. If anyone knew this, it was me. Here was this girl spilling the beans on all our private matters.

 _*BANG!*_

"Don't know about you guys, but I am _loving_ Egypt," Chris said, munching on his grapes, "and I'm going to enjoy it even more watching _you_ enjoy your second challenge: The Amazing Camel Race!"

Ugh, Chris. Do you _have_ to make up names for every part of every challenge!?

"Where are the other camels?" Harold asked, looking around.

"There are no other camels. It's a camel race, not a ca _mels_ race."

"Yes!" Heather cheered, happy that her team had supposedly received the best reward.

"What?" Alejandro asked.

Leshawna was irate.

"We _won_ last time, but _they_ get a camel, _they_ get a goat and we get a stick!?" She jerked her thumb angrily at the other teams. No one calmed her down because they figured she had a right to question the host.

"Each reward has its advantages. Trust me." Chris said, though the members of our team didn't look convinced.

"You'll be racing to the world's most infamous waterway, The Nile! Teams must bring their rewards all the way to the finish. You have sixty seconds to strategize!"

"So you're telling me that we have to trek across the desert with no map, or food, or survival guides, or food, or cell phones, or food!?" Owen asked.

"Yes, Owen. Yes, we do."

The big guy howled in anguish. "Man, this bites!"

Frankly, I had gotten sick and tired of mummies, so I was rather happy to go on a trek far, far away from these cursed pyramids.

"Hey genius, you figure out what we're supposed to do with this stick yet?" Leshawna asked me.

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking. Don't rush me." I said. I was trying to think of what it happened to be during the first time around…

Of course! It was a divining rod! Now I just needed to make sure that the reward wasn't altered from the last time around. Once that was done, I just had to wait for the right time to reveal it.

In fact, I had known it was a divining rod back when Team Victory originally received it too. I just kept my mouth shut because there was no reason to help another team.

Cody was busy getting rejected by various girls over in Team Amazon and Alejandro was busy giving a motivating speech to Team Epic.

Poor Cody. I really wanted to help him, but right now, I had my own crap to deal with. I know that might sound like I have a selfish attitude, but I had to get my own problems fixed before attempting to fix those of others.

"Aight… Nile's that-a-way." Chris spoke, pointing off into the distance somewhere. The place looked like one of those settings where cowboys rode off into the sunset on horseback with a girl.

Chris continued. "Kinda big, blue, and watery. Can't miss it. Or I guess you can, but then you'll die. Probably get killed by the local scarab beetles. It's mating season and they get all kill-y when they're in heat."

"I am glad there aren't any out here. Those things are nasty." Leshawna said, referring to her previous run-in with the beetles within The Pyramid.

"I'll tell them you said so." Chris said.

That's when Chef emptied a huge vase full of those little demons right onto the sand. Holy scarabs! Not again!

The scarabs swarmed the area where we were standing. We were hollering and scampering around, unsure of what to do. Our team didn't even have an animal to climb upon for safety. There was a swarm of dung beetles surrounding us, and there was no way that this situation could get any worse.

 _*Ding ding*_

Crud! It just did.

"Oooo time for a song. Think of it as a mini-challenge. Music can soothe the savage mate-seeking scarabs, so make up a good song and maybe they won't kill you. Or don't, and get disqualified like Duncan."

We all collectively groaned, but there was nothing we could do. Sing and we were goners. He was enjoying our suffering. It gave him power along with a possible hard-on.

I mean we were goners either way, but whatever. We broke out into song.

"You don't want to eat us up…." I sand along with the rest. I was singing for my life. Literally!

"It's lovin' time! Scarab mating season!"

Okay, was I the only one who found it supremely awkward that we were singing about trying to convince insects to screw each other's brains out? Could this _be_ any more humiliating?

Regardless, things were going smoothly until Ezekiel ruined the friggin' tempo of the song, sending the scarabs back into a frenzy and _us_ running for our lives.

"Nice one. Go!" Chris said, tooting his air-horn.

We all ran off and I could see the smug bastard saying some to the camera. Oh, how I would absolutely love for him to be in our situation. I huffed and I puffed in an attempt to high-tail it out of there.

Seems like all I had done since entering Egypt was run. Run _to_ the Pyramid, run _in_ the Pyramid, run _out from_ the Pyramid, and now I was back to running again. I didn't sign up for this!

Okay, well, maybe I did, but still…

"Poor goat has to support all that weight." Bridgette said, referring to the other team's reward.

"How is that even possible?" Owen asked.

This particular scarab was the _Scarabaeus sacer_ , a dung beetle worshiped by ancient Egyptians as they believed it to be a manifestation of the sun God, Ra. It was considered sacred to them, but I just wanted them to frickin' die already. The feces that scarabs somehow happily devoured were full of microbes which could cause diseases to human. I wanted to avoid physical contact with them at all costs.

We had managed to get some distance between us and the mini-mofos, but the two other teams had also managed to get a fair amount of distance from us. It was expected, given that they were on goat-back and camel-back while our team was on foot. Well, we were on the _back_ -foot now.

"Does anyone know where we are?" Bridgette asked.

 _"Somewhere in the depths of Mount Doom."_ I wanted to say, considering how we were frickin' frying under the frickin' sun.

"Well we don't have a map, GPS or any type of tracking gear, so no." Leshawna said to her female friend.

"We are as hidden as Carmen Sandiego." I commented.

"Well, that's great." The surfer blonde said.

"This sucks, eh." Ezekiel said, kicking a nearby stone.

"Why are the challenges so... challenging!?" Owen asked frustratedly.

"Chris sure has thought bigger and grander this time." Sierra said. "This is just our first challenge together and we're already hopelessly lost."

One of the magnificent thing about dung beetles (or scarabs, which sounds _way_ cooler) was that they didn't need much water as they extract it from the dung, allowing them to thrive in the desert. But _we_ , on the other hand, aren't dung beetles. We were (mostly) ordinary mortals that needed food and water to survive. Chris had so cruelly denied us that, leaving us with only our reward to make it to the end.

Here we all were, with nothing but our wit and our will to win the challenge. We were stranded in the scorching heat with the knowledge that we had to outwit the other teams somehow with our reward.

This desert trek was gonna take a while.

* * *

Spot the differences so far? Like 'em? Hate 'em? Let me know in the comment section below- err- I mean in the _review section_ at the _top_.

Sorry. Thought I was making a YouTube video for a second. Haha.

I realize that the previous two chapters have ended when the episode or segment cuts off. This is was not done intentionally and it will not be the case with all the chapters. It just seemed like a good place to end the chapter at.

The Seat Sheet will now have the positions of the teams during the particular challenge whenever applicable. 'Leading' means the team is first, 'Trailing' means the team is second and 'Last' means the team is third. Yes, I am aware that the team in the last position is also 'trailing', but whatever. My fic, my rules mofos!

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot** – Leshawna, Noah, Owen, Sierra, Ezekiel, Bridgette [Have a Stick, Presently Last]

 **Team Epic** – Alejandro, Lindsay, Trent, Tyler, Harold, DJ [Have a Goat, Presently Trailing]

 **Team Amazon** – Heather, Cody, Izzy, Courtney, Gwen [Have a Camel, Presently Leading]

 ** _Quit_** – Duncan


	6. Egyptian Expedition

Hi guys! Because it's Friendship Day, I'm offering another chapter of NTotW to all my friends on FanFiction. Isn't that special? :D

* * *

I am happy to say that I have got a job and am working a stint as a content writer for the time being! It's awesome because I love writing about stuff anyway. Blessed is the one whose passion and work are the same. :)

Hm. Guess that degree pays off after all…

Nah, who am I kidding?

Anyway, let's get on with it.

Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks. It's time for you to sit down and read chapter six!

* * *

 **\- Chapter vi -**

* * *

 **Destination 1 (Part Five) – Egyptian Expedition**

 **Current Venue:** The Sahara Desert

 **Geographical Location:** Giza, Giza Governorate [Egypt]

* * *

Our gang of six was sprinting in the hot sandy desert towards the longest river in the world.

We were about to embark on a long and arduous trek. A journey to the Nile.

"A stick, a goat, and a camel? Sounds like the start of some sort of joke." Owen said.

"No joke. Just a cruel twist of fate." I replied.

There were giant sand dunes all around us, and Owen wrapped his arm around my shoulder.

"Sand, sand everywhere." He said, showcasing the breadth of the landscape with his free arm.

He was right. There was nothing but sand all around, so when Ezekiel suggested that we play I-Spy, everyone else refused.

The sand was hot, hot, hot. The environment here was so sparse and arid that it made me wonder how nomads managed to wander around here their entire lives. Our group ambled about for a bit before I broke the silence.

"Boy, it sure sucks that the person who was the best during the first season isn't even competing anymore." I said casually, half-expecting to get weird looks from everyone.

But they never came. Everyone just kept on walking. I was sure they had heard me. So was Geoff still the winner of season one?

"…Yup." Owen said.

We stopped to take a breather then walked quietly for a little bit. All of this running around had taken the wind out of me.

"I like dessert more than the desert. Why couldn't we get stuck in a dessert instead?" Owen said.

"That's how I used to remember the spelling." I said. "You want dessert twice, so two 'S's but you'd only want to get in the desert once, so there's only one 'S'."

Yet here I was, stuck in the desert twice. What were the odds?

Sierra decided to chat me up. The magenta-haired fangirl came up to me all excitedly.

"Oh. My. Gosh! I can't believe that I am walking and talking next to the Noah Carter! O-M-G. O-M-G. O-M-G!" Sierra said.

"Um... okay." I replied. I wasn't really used to being fawned at from other people on the show.

"You are so awesome! How do you even pull off such high levels of sarcasm so easily?" She asked inquisitively.

 _Never been asked that one before._

But she seemed genuinely interested so I answered.

"Uh... well, you know, I've got a lot of siblings. It's just something that I've managed to perfect over time. One of the few things."

"That is so cool!"

I felt like I was being interviewed, and I hated interviews because they forced me to control my snappiness. There was an off chance that I could maybe use this to my advantage…

By now, I was having doubts over what universe I was in. I mean Gwen was my girlfriend, Izzy was with Owen, and Trent was on the show, though he was still as much as a nutcase as he used to be on Total Drama Action.

Doubts crept into my mind over how the hell this could be possible. It just didn't add up.

Assuming that my first time on Total Drama Island was Earth-One and the second time I was on The Island was Earth-Two, I theorized that I was now in a totally different universal timeline or Earth-Three. There were just so many details that differed from the first two timelines.

I needed to clarify what was happening, but I couldn't just outright ask people for fear of being found out, so I decided to ask Sierra under the guise of 'quizzing her'.

I didn't want to do this, but I was left with no other choice. "So... Sierra, you say you're this show's number one fan?"

The girl got giddy. "Of course! I've been following this show ever since season one and posting updates, predictions and commentary on my blog!"

"Hm... mind if I test your knowledge?"

"Sure. Go for it!"

"Okay… Um... What position did I finish in season one?" I asked.

"That's easy. Fourth place."

"Good. Now was voted off first in Total Drama Island?" I was testing the waters.

"Ezekiel. Duh."

"Did someone call me?" Asked the boy with the turquoise toque.

"Um... it's nothing." Sierra said.

"Hm... Where did Total Drama Island take place?"

"Camp Wawanakwa, Muskoka, Ontario in Canada. Oh, how I've always wanted to go there!"

"Okay. Now for something a bit tougher... What was the nineteenth episode of TDI called?"

She had to think about this one for a bit.

"Hook, Line & Screamer." She correctly answered.

"Damn. You're good." I said, complimenting her on her fantastic memory. I mean yeah, sure, she could use that memory for something more important than some random TV show, but whatever.

It was weird talking with Sierra in the Sahara. I would have asked some more questions, but we were in the middle of a challenge and it was best to conserve our energy. Sierra was a vital source of information. I would have to use her later. Sparingly, of course.

"So Cody's, like, really upset at you. What'd you do to him?" The purple-haired girl asked me.

"Um.. what?"

"Cody refuses to talk to you. I guess it's because of something that happened in season two because you both were best buds in season one."

Did I hear that right? Was Cody upset at me?

"Well, I don't know what I did to piss him off." I said.

"I don't know either, but you better try to fix it ASAP."

"I'm sure he'll get over it, whatever it is." I said.

"The Nile isn't just a river in Egypt you know." Sierra said

 _You just had to fit that in somehow, didn't you?_

Great. The desert was not the best place to find out that your former best friend is now giving you the silent treatment. No place is a good place to find that out! What could I have possibly done to make him mad at me?

Sierra had just exacerbated a situation that I thought couldn't be exacerbated. Oh well. We were performing a challenge right now so I would have time to brainstorm later. We decided it was best to start jogging again.

"Yo! We're so far behind we can't even see the others anymore, eh." Zeke said in between exhales.

And there goes our advantage.

"Didn't we pass that cactus, like, ten minutes ago?" Bridgette asked, huffing and puffing.

Suddenly, Leshawna stopped, coming to a realization.

"We've been running in circles!"

Crap! The rest of us stopped as well and groaned in frustration. We were way behind the other teams. Like, _way_ behind.

All that running and energy wasted for nothing.

"What do we do now, eh? How do we find the Nile?" Ezekiel asked.

"Maybe I can use my nose to sniff out the water." Owen said.

"Water doesn't have a distinct scent." I said.

"Dagnabbit, Chris Maclean! Always messing with us. Always. I swear he's literally just screwing with us." Leshawna said.

 _"I sure hope he's not_ literally _screwing with us, because if he was, he'd be in jail for underage sexual molestation."_ I wanted to say, but I resisted the urge to let out my inner Grammar Nazi for fear of getting strangled.

A heat wave had rolled over Giza. I was afraid that we were going to suffer death by sunstroke. Thankfully, the temperature did not rise that high, put it was still scorching. I seriously began to regret not bringing a cap along for this trip. Oh wait! I wasn't the one who packed my bags, was I? Thanks Matt!

"It's hotter than Emma Stone out here." I said, forgetting for a brief moment that I had a girlfriend. Good thing Gwen wasn't in earshot.

To make matters worse, I began feeling the effects of jet lag, or desynchronosis. We had traveled straight from Canada to Egypt and my body needed some time to adjust. My body was desynchronizing and my circadian rhythm was thrown off. In short, I felt tired.

My watch read a perfect '5:00 P.M.' We had all been wandering out in the desert for an hour or so.

The heat and humidity were suffocating, and it was not helping us with our tempers one bit. I was sweating profusely and regretted not bringing a cap. On the flipside, at least I wasn't Bridgette. The poor girl was wearing a jacket in frickin' Egypt.

We had been walking for a long time now. Blisters started to form on my feet and I didn't know if it was from the sand, the heat, or a combination of both.

At least now I know that hell exists.

Along with the thirst and hunger was the tiredness. My circadian rhythm was upset due to having to adjust to a different time-zone on such short notice. People are supposed to rest for a while upon visiting a new country, not go for a mile-long quest.

I stopped caring. I decided to just do whatever the hell I wanted. Because, in the end, people are full of it and would judge me anyway.

Our entire team was distraught at the thought of slipping from the leaders to the laggards within such a short time span. On the plus side, at least we didn't have some dumb animal to take care of.

"Isn't it supposed to be winter in Egypt now?" Sierra wondered.

"It is, and if this is winter then I really don't want to know what an Egyptian summer feels like." I quipped.

We were all tired of walking around and all of Chris's bullcrap. My frickin blisters had gotten blisters.

We all slumped down in the sand, exhausted.

"Well, that's it then." A defeated Owen said.

"Lost in Egypt! Aint that a kick in the pants!?" Leshawna moped.

Yes, it was, and a rather swift one at that.

"Gosh darn it!" Bridgette began to pout. "We've gone from first place to last. Heroes to zeroes, and all from one part of the challenge to the next."

"Yep. Our situation sucks, but it's not over yet!" Sierra said, trying to inject some optimism into the flaming dumpster that was our team.

"Yep. It'll be over when Chris shows up in his helicopter to inform us that we've lost." Leshawna said.

"What's your problem eh? Did sand get in your coochie or something?" Ezekiel asked.

It took all our strength to attempt to stop Leshawna from pummeling the homeschooler right then and there.

Oh, who could save you guys from such misery? Gee, I wonder... If only there was someone out there who knew the secret of the stick. It is I, the great Noah Carter!

"Chris wouldn't have given us that stick without a reason." I said.

"I don't know. He could've." Bridgette said.

"No. The other two teams got actual rewards. We finished first." I noted. "I doubt Chris would do that to us. Hey Zeke, let me see that stick."

I pretended to closely examine the stick while the others discussed our next plan of action.

"Hm. Noah's right." Sierra said to the others. "There's got to be some reason Chris rewarded us with the stick."

"Yeah and the reason is because it's a burden." Leshawna said. She attempted to grab the stick from me, but instead it flew from my hands.

The stick fell on the ground, and then almost mystically, it moved on its own, pointing off to some place in the distance.

"What black magic is this?" Owen asked, shocked.

"I think you broke it." Bridgette said to Leshawna.

"No, she didn't. It's a divining rod!" I exclaimed as if I had just created fire.

"A what rod?" Owen asked, scratching his head.

"A divining rod helps you find water." Leshawna said.

"It points us to the nearest water source." I said, much to the relief of my team.

"That is so awesome." Bridgette said.

"Okay.. so what?" Owen asked.

"The Nile's the nearest water source!" Bridgette said.

"Oh, I get it! … So what does that have to do with anything?" The blond asked the blonde.

"Follow the stick!" She said.

"Why?"

After much collective groaning and face-palming, we just instructed Owen to come along with us.

Thanks to my brilliant epiphany, I had rescued Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Arrogant. They would now think of Noah as their lord and savior. I _was_ selfish though, and I had my own reasons for doing what I did. I hoped to use my knowledge of the future for my own ends, in a way that would strategically benefit me and elevate me above the rest of the competition.

I had learned from my previous encounter. I needed to keep the endgame in mind right from the start this time. I didn't really use my advantage to the maximum potential last time (my second time on The Island). Hopefully, the second time would be the charm.

Ezekiel picked up the stick, and we continued walking in the direction it pointed.

Owen began singing some gayass song about fluffernutter. It was mildly amusing at first, but after he was going strong for about half an hour, my eye began to twitch. It really began to piss me off.

I'm a fan of marshmallow and peanut butter sandwiches too, but for Chris's sake, I don't go about singing a frickin song about it! It was infuriating!

"Shut up, shut up, shut up." I silently chanted.

Luckily for my big best friend, we came upon the great river just before I was about to snap.

At long last! We were lucky no one suffered cramps walking in this desert sand near the Nile was a darker shade than usual as it was wet.

"Oh, there's the finish line!" Owen said.

"Yeah, on the other side!" I pointed out.

Our friendly host Chris was on the other side of the river. Mr. Maclean and his evil sidekick Mr. Hatchet were sitting on a reclining chair coolly sipping cold juice. Upon noticing us, Chris pulled out a megaphone to broadcast a message to us.

"Weave a basket boat out of reeds, row to the finish, yadda yadda yadda." The black-haired host said, obviously tired of repeating the same lines thrice in a row.

"You heard the man, 'yadda, yadda'." Leshawna said.

"This is perfect!" Sierra said cheerfully.

"What? The fact that we're hosed?" I asked psycho 2.0.

"I'm a fourth generation basket-weaver!" Sierra claimed.

"Yeah!" Owen cheered.

"We're gonna need a lot of reeds." Sierra said. We all split up to collect some.

The other two teams had a head start over us, with Team Amazon having a slight lead.

Team Epic wasn't doing too bad either thanks to some Spanish-flavored motivation courtesy of Alejandro.

We were just happy we weren't too late that our disadvantage couldn't be overcome.

"So I guess we need to bring the props along with us on the ride." Bridgette said.

"Correctomundo!" Izzy said from the other team.

Our team was scrambling to finish on time. Having Sierra on our team certainly helped our cause. Izzy came up to our team and talked with the weaver as the rest of us were working on picking up materials for the raft. The two girls were discussing something intently. I brought some reeds over to Sierra so she could weave them into a boat.

Team Amazon had no objections. They were more than happy to "Trade a basket-case for a basket-weaver", as Heather put it.

Sierra quickly went to work on the Amazonians' boat, weaving reeds as fast as she could. She was about half-done with ours. Damn! This girl worked fast!

"Where's Chris? He won't allow this!" Alejandro protested. I guess he didn't want the other two teams to be involved in a trade where his wouldn't benefit.

Upon hearing his name being mentioned, the metrosexual showed up on his motorboat to figure out what the problem was and resolve the dispute. Alejandro explained the situation to him, and it tried to convince the host to disallow it, but after some coaxing and prodding from Sierra, he agreed to the swap.

So we got an Orangered for a Periwinkle. Well, the teammates might have changed but the insanity level hasn't. Is it a coincidence that girls with weird-colored hair are crazy, or is that just me?

Our team was grumbling now that our greatest asset had been traded away, but we couldn't give up.

"Come on guys. We can still build the raft without Sierra." Bridgette said in a bid to encourage us.

"Hey, this is kind of like knitting." Leshawna said. "I used to knit clothes with my grandma all the time. We can do this!"

This spurred us on. We could still beat out Team Epic in the boat-building race.

Only the _last_ team to finish was sending someone out after all. The only punishment that the second-placed team had to endure was sitting in Economy Class. They would still have all of their team members intact.

"When I grow up, I'm going to live in the dessert!" Izzy said to me as we worked on our boat.

I raised an eyebrow. "You do realize-?"

"Yep."

"So you actually-?"

"Yep."

"… Right. Good luck with that."

We had all been constructing for a while. The Amazons finished first. They were, however, having quite some trouble getting their camel Ruby to enter the boat. Cody was tasked with the responsibility, and he wasn't doing that good of a job at it.

"Izzy, tell Ruby to get in the boat!" Courtney said.

Izzy opened her mouth to begin interspecies communication, but I silenced her.

"Whoa, whoa! Izzy's on _our_ team now, not yours." I said smugly. "Not a word." I instructed crazy girl.

"Ooo, fun!" She cheered in reply.

Ha! Here they thought they had gotten the better side of the swap.

I had no idea how the hell this crazy chick knew Camelese, but I wasn't going to let a rival team use her particular set of skills for free.

"Fine. We'll do it ourselves. Come on." Courtney instructed. I knew their team had both Heather and Courtney vying to be leader. Hopefully it would cause them to butt heads and be their downfall. I was worried that Cody and Gwen would get caught in the crossfire, though.

"Who's happy Leshawna knows her way around the reeds?" The girl said proudly. Thankfully for our team, Leshawna caught on quick to this challenge. Sierra who?

We stood up and admired our work.

"Enough admiring. Let's get this baby in the water." Leshawna said.

Meanwhile, Team Epic grabbed their goat and got into their raft.

We pushed our own into the water and crossed our fingers. Would our somewhat shoddy construction hold up?

To make a long story short, it did.

"It floats! Awesome!" Owen said. All six of us grabbed an oar.

"Paddle!" Leshawna said, and paddle we did.

Well, this was it, then. It was the final part of our challenge. We now had to row our way to victory from one piece of land to another. Our only problem was that that the river was infested with large carnivorous reptiles that could easily tear us to shreds.

 _..._

 _F**k!_

* * *

Sorry to keep you guys waiting so long for this chapter. If only there was a way for you guys to see the progress that I made on these chapters on a daily basis. It was slow-going, but I finally managed to get it done. I really wished I could finish faster, but my work (and laziness) just comes in the way. At least we're almost through with Egypt.

Also, I admit it's been a bit of a test trying to integrate the dialogue from the actual series into this fanon as the teams were originally different. Still, I will try my best.

Seat Sheet has now been made 20% cooler! :D

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team Epic –** Alejandro, Lindsay, Trent, Tyler, Harold, DJ [Have a Goat, Presently Leading]

 **Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot –** Leshawna, Noah, Owen, Izzy (swapped), Ezekiel, Bridgette [Have a Stick, Presently Trailing]

 **Team Amazon –** Heather, Cody, Sierra (swapped), Courtney, Gwen [Have a Camel, Presently Last]

 ** _Eliminated –_** Duncan


	7. Wild Nile Crocodiles

The Olympics are going on, the Premier League's started, and my work is piling up. Here's to hoping we don't experience a slowdown in chapter-rate as a result of all this.

So, the way this works is I try to update my story regularly. I add a few words here, and some more there. I am unfortunately too busy to finish a whole chapter in one go, and frankly, I would be rushing if I tried and mistakes would slip through. There is no set schedule for when I type. It depends on my mood and whatever's going on in my life right now.

I see some reviewers asking me to update quicker, while others say I should take my time. I really don't know when the next chapter will be anymore. It could be next week, and it could be next year. Just don't expect anything.

I also realize that some people weren't expecting the switch to happen this time around, but let me assure you it happened for a good reason.

* * *

The story and information posted here is an artistic work of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

This will be the last chapter that takes place in Egypt. Pinky promise. :)

For anyone who hasn't died and gone to heaven, it's really time for chapter seven!

* * *

 **-Chapter vii-**

* * *

 **Destination 1 (Part Six) – Wild** **Nile Crocodiles**

 **Current Venue:** The Nile River

 **Geographical Location:** Giza, Giza Governorate [Egypt]

* * *

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. If you see a crocodile, don't forget to scream." Owen sang. It was time to cross the great Nile.

"As some of you may have figured out by now, the final segment of your challenge involves paddling your boats across this croc-infested water!" Chris shouted into his megaphone from the other side of the river.

Team Amazon had managed to lure Ruby into the boat with some food and was now on their way. Wow, and here I thought they needed the help of some Camelese-speaking freakshow to help them. Their boat had taken longer to build since it had to hold the weight of a camel along with five people. This is where our advantage of having a stick came into play.

As if there wasn't enough drama going on in my life right now, my ex-GF had joined my team. I'm not really sure how that made me feel. I guess I liked Izzy more than Sierra, but this might complicate things a bit.

All three of the thatched boats had entered the water by now. The finish line was in our sights, but getting there was another thing altogether. This was going to be a close race.

Our raft was carrying the least weight, meaning we had to exert the least pressure.

The infamously famous Nile River was rife with crocs, and that was bad news for everyone except Chris. For him, it just meant more drama. The crocs circled all three of our boats. I sure as hell hoped they wouldn't capsize it.

The wild animals on the boats started panicking as well. Good thing there were none on our boat.

"Oh, I've seen some of these gators back home in Louisiana. They are something nasty!" Leshawna said.

"It's not an alligator, it's a crocodile. Gosh! Notice that you can see the bottom teeth even when the mouth's closed." Harold corrected her from his team's boat.

"... Thank you, Harold."

"They're going to rip us to pieces, anyway. I want my mommy!" Owen cried.

I was reminded of our canoe ride to Boney Island back in season one, though the only similarity was rowing oars and deadly creatures that have existed since the Pleistocene Era.

"Be sure not to get them riled up." Chris said. "Otherwise, you'll be left with the Nile's riled vile wild crocodiles!" Chris said, amused with his rhyming. Nice job, Chris. I hope you get _reviled_.

I didn't have a death-wish, and I doubted anyone else did, except for Izzy, maybe.

When clamping down, a crocodile's jaw can produce up to 5000 PSI of pressure, easily enough to snap a human arm or leg. For comparative purposes, a human jaw can apply up to 100 PSI of pressure. While opening up, however, it is a different story. They have very little power and can actually be held shut with a rubber band!

Oh, nature! You never cease to amuse me.

"These are some Killer Crocs!" Cody exclaimed as one snapped at his team.

"Wait. I thought we were supposed to wear Crocs on our feet!" Lindsay said.

"I would rather watch these guys on Animal Planet!" Bridgette said.

DJ screamed in terror as a crocodile snapped at him, and he used his oar to try and push it away, but accidentally jabbed it in the eye. The crocodile wailed in pain, and the big guy felt guilty.

"I hurt another animal?" he whimpered. "Am I really cursed?"

"Cool it, DJ. I'm sure it was just crying crocodile tears." Harold said.

Owen got nervous and started rocking our boat.

"Calm down there, big guy. Everything's gonna be okay." I said.

That was possibly the worst possible time to say that, considering what came next.

 _*Ding ding*_

"Time for a musical reprise!" Chris announced from his throne.

The Nile erupted with calls of "what!?"

"Hey, if you finished your song the first time, you wouldn't be here now… Zeke!"

Some of us glared at him angrily.

"Oh come on Chris, now you're just being a dick. I mean, now you're just being _more_ of a dick than before." Heather said.

"Not my fault you guys didn't complete the song. Start singing, and put your backs into it!" Chris ordered.

"I'm getting the impression we're not going to be singing 'Crocodile Rock'." Trent said.

Apparently, Chris felt that a bunch of teenagers rowing for their lives in the hot sun above a river full of angry reptiles wasn't enough of a spectacle already. We had to sing, too!

Music started playing from a transistor radio. Crap. Well, there was nothing else we could do, so we started singing ' _Rowin' Time_ ', which sounded a lot like ' _Lovin' Time'_.

Alejandro started us off. "Crocodile amigos! Whatcha swarmin for?"

"We don't mean to bug you!" Courtney sang.

"Please let us reach the shore!" Heather said the next line.

Courtney's line sounded rather dirty upon TV viewing. Or maybe I just have a dirty mind.

"It's rowing time! Rowing time, rowing time!" We all sang in unison.

The beasts seemed to be taking a liking to the goat. One croc chewed off a piece of Team Epic's raft. Seeing as they were occupied, it was now a two-way fight to the finish.

"See you later, alligators!" Owen said, much to the ire of Harold.

We rowed as hard as we could, all while singing, but those women on Team Amazon had some strong arms.

"Till the Amazoooooooooooooooooooooons..." Sierra sang.

We were the second team to reach the shore.

"WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN! YEAH! " The winning team sang happily.

 _"THIS SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!"_ Duncan would've finished off.

Once again I collapsed in the sand and stared up at the sky.

Sure, we hadn't won the challenge, but second place wasn't too shabby. At last, we had reached the shore. We should consider ourselves lucky that we didn't fall off the boat and into the water. Land, sweet land.

"Congrats, you're alive!" Chris said.

"We're alive!" Owen said. He then proceeded to pull me into a tight, vise-like hug.

"Please… It would be nice if you didn't squeeze me to death, thank you." I manage to gasp out.

Owen put me down. "Oops. Haha."

"So I successfully managed to fend off these creatures for the second time in three seasons." Leshawna said.

"Cruelty to camels, goats and crocodiles? PETA'S gonna sue your butt, Chris!" Heather angrily said.

"Who, those shmucks? Let em. I've dealt with them before."

Just then, Team Epic's boat washed ashore.

"God damn! We just had a near-life experience, fellas!" Tyler told his teammates.

"What was that? I should kill everyone and escape?" Izzy asked herself.

"..."

As expected, she was getting weird stares all around.

"Sorry, it's the voices." She said.

Cue more awkward stares. I was genuinely worried.

"Ahaha, I'm kidding! That's not what they really said." Wow. **[1]**

Alright then. Crazy just got crazier. Izzy was solidifying her position at the top spot of the insanity pyramid. Sierra's gonna have to up the ante, and I'm sure she will in the upcoming few challenges.

Oh no, did I just mention pyramids? Screw pyramids! I'm through with pyramids after this crappy mess of a challenge!

"Does this mean we'll be sending someone off?" DJ asked the host.

"As long as you all brought our rewards across the finish line, there will be no elimination tonight!"

"Woohoo!" All three of the teams cheered. No elimination after all! We would scrape through Egypt without a hitch.

That's when Ezekiel piped up. "I lost the stick. Hehe." He looked down sheepishly.

This prompted more angry glares than ever before.

"Haha. Wow. Sucks to be you." Chris said.

So Zeke lost the stick. I was wondering what laughable excuse he was going to give.

"Well Harold told us to hit them on the nose with something, right?"

Ugh. We all groaned and face-palmed.

"This is horsecrap, man!" I pleaded.

"Nope. Dem's the rules." Chris said.

Much to our consternation, we had lost the challenge despite finishing the race second.

"Team Amazon, you guys finished in first place so you'll be riding in First Class to our next destination!" Chris said.

The four girls and one boy cheered.

"Team Epic, you're in second. Better than losing, but you'll still be sitting in Economy."

Despite this fact, they still exchanged high-fives, glad that they weren't sending anyone home. Oh, how we longed to be them.

"As for you guys," Chris addressed me and my squad. "One person is going home. Now someone go get me some more lobster, and we'll be heading off to the voting ceremony tonight!"

The teams were now free to mingle amongst themselves. My girlfriend Gwen came up to me.

"Wow. Losing a challenge because of a lost stick. How unlucky can you get?" Gwen said.

"Could be worse." I said. "Enjoy First Class!"

"I will. Just don't say anything stupid like you usually do and get kicked off." Gwen said.

"You don't have to worry about that, pasty." I said. She kissed me. I quite enjoyed it.

As we boarded the plane and waved goodbye to Egypt, I could have sworn I saw a white, feathered creature with an orange bill peeking out behind a cactus.

 _A duck in an Egyptian desert? That's impossible! Get a hold of yourself, Noah!_

I was definitely seeing things. It was probably due to this heat wave. The sooner we leave, the better.

I, for one, was glad to leave Egypt. It meant that we had no more heat, mummies, sand, scarab beetles, or alligators to deal with. I had had enough experiences in this godforsaken hellhole to last a lifetime.

We all went to the Loser's Area at the back of the Jumbo Jet. We were here for the second time, only this time it was for real. Duncan was there along with us.

"It's all fun and games until someone has to get voted off." Owen said.

"If getting fried walking through the scorching desert and then nearly dying while rowing across a river full of hungry, hungry crocs constitutes 'fun', then you're spot on!" I said. That was just my description of the second half of the challenge!

There were some wooden bleachers and a big door. There was a giant Tiki idol on either side of the metal door. At the back of the Elimination Chamber was a big bright orange curtain. In front of the curtain was a wooden table, presumably from behind where Chris would make his announcements. Then, of course, there was the Voting Confessional.

"The Voting Booth!" Owen said. "The Booth is our master! The booth chooses who will go and who will stay."

"Team Me, welcome to the first voting ceremony ever of... TOTAL DRAMA WORLD TOUR!" Chris said, shouting the last four words on his megaphone.

"Holy hell Chris, we can hear you just fine without the megaphone!" Leshawna said.

"Frankly, I'm disappointed in you teens. With a name so awesome, it should be criminal to lose in such embarrassing fashion. I sincerely hope I won't be seeing you guys after the next challenge." Chris said.

Yep. _We_ don't have any plans of showing up here next time either.

We finished second in the boat-race. We wouldn't even _be here_ were it not for the fact that we had lost our reward.

"I know you all have a tough decision to make." Chris said.

"Not really. I know exactly who I'm voting for." Leshawna said.

"For anyone still in doubt, I suggest voting for Noah." Chris suggested.

"Hey come on! Why me?" I questioned the host's blatant bias.

"Because you're smarter than I am, more smug than I am, and kind of a dick." Chris answered.

"All the more reason to keep me on the show." I retorted.

Someone was going to have to take the fall for this loss, and it sure as hell wasn't going to be me.

The time of the Barf Bag Ceremony was upon us. I took a seat next to Owen in the bleachers. Then Chris arrived and began to speak.

"Team I Am Oh So Crazy Super Duper Hot, you came in last _and_ lost a reward on the way."

Once again we all looked at Ezekiel. We had been doing that a lot lately.

"So, vote time! Up in the Voting Booth, you will find six passports."

"Unless Prairie Boy here already fed them to a crocodile!" Leshawna said.

"I said sorry, Holmes!" Ezekiel replied.

"Stamp the passport of the team member you'd like to send home. Got it?" Chris asked.

We all nodded our heads in understanding.

Oh, I get it! The whole voting process was a play on the impressions of those rubber stamps you get in your passport after entering or exiting a country! It was a clever idea, Christopher. Though I wasn't saying that to your face.

"We will be going alphabetically. That means Bridgette, you're up first!" Chris said.

The blonde got up and went over to cast her vote. Following her was the poser boy himself, Ezekiel.

"We'll both be safe, right Noah?" Owen asked me.

"Oh yes, Owen." I looked at Ezekiel was previously sitting. "I guarantee it!"

Assured, he breathed a sigh of relief.

As Izzy came back from her voting, I noticed that I couldn't hear what the previous people were saying in the Voting Booth, which meant it was now soundproof. Either that or they were quietly whispering their reason for the vote.

Leshawna came back, and it was now my turn to vote. I went into the booth and saw six passports and a stamp. It didn't take me an eternity to figure out whom to vote for. I stamped Ezekiel's passport and spoke to the camera.

"Sorry dude, but you should have just kept quiet. Instead, you messed up multiple times. You scared Owen and me in the Pyramids, ruined our song to the scarabs, made us run through the hot sandy Sahara desert, and then fed our reward to the crocodiles. There really wasn't a single good thing you did to help us win. For that reason, you earn my vote."

It was all unfortunate but true. With my vote placed and feelings expressed, I exited the Voting Booth.

The last one up was Owen. After that, Chris collected the votes and we all gathered at the bleachers again to hear the final verdict.

"I've got the results of the vote right here." Chris said, holding up the passports.

"Those staying in the game get in-flight snacks." The host held up a barf-bag filled with peanuts. "Mmmm. Oho! Barfy!"

Yuck!

"It's the first elimination. The following players are safe:…" Chris said, proceeding to call their name out and toss them their barf-bag.

"Leshawna."

"Owen."

"Isn't this super-dramatic?" Chris asked us.

"Not really." Leshawna said.

"You guys are no fun. The rest of the bags go to…"

"Bridgette."

"Izzy."

What!? I was in the bottom two!?

"And the last bag of peanuts goes to…" Now came the trademark dramatic Maclean pause of drama for dramatic dramafication.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

"Noah!" Chris tossed a bag at me. I was almost too stunned to catch it.

"What!?" Ezekiel stood up out of his seat. "I thought Chris told you guys to vote for Noah, eh! Why'd you vote for me?"

"Um… maybe because you're the reason we all ended up here in the first place." Leshawna said.

Chris told him his last rites. "Ezekiel Martin, you have been condemned to leave by a jury of your peers, sentence imposed by a host in somewhat good standing in his nation. Do you have anything to say before the sentence is carried out? No? Good!"

The boy hadn't really learned that much from his first time on the show. It was fun while it lasted, I guess.

Chris pulled out a parachute from under the table he was standing behind and tossing it to Ezekiel. "You've got five seconds to strap this on or the Drop of Shame will become the Drop of _Pain!"_

"Yo, that's unbelievable!" Ezekiel complained. "Some team! You guys are all a bunch of-"

He didn't get to finish his sentence because he got kicked off by Chef… literally!

"I knew that would be satisfying." Chris said.

Ezekiel's screams as he plummeted to the ground were bone-chilling.

"Sucks to be Zeke." Duncan said, whistling nonchalantly.

Chris now shifted his attention towards the juvenile delinquent.

"Last stop for non-competitors!" The raven-haired host said, handing the green-mohawked punk a parachute bag.

"Yeah right! You're supposed to give me a ride home." Duncan said.

"Yeah, but, we're going the other way so… see ya!" Chris then pushed Duncan off the plane.

Much like his counterpart before him, Duncan shouted in terror as he entered freefall.

"Happy landings!" Chris called out. It was all too horrifying.

So that's the story of how Duncan followed Ezekiel off the Jumbo Jet. Oh well. Better them than me.

That pretty much concluded the episode. Now Chris could package, edit, and present it in whatever way he wanted for viewer consumption.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Owen asked me, eyeing the barf-bag I was holding.

I handed my peanut bag to him. "Knock yourself out."

I was allergic to peanuts anyway. Even broke out in rashes when Cody accidentally fed me peanut-containing chocolate back on the island.

I guess Ezekiel was the solitary person who cast a vote in my direction, and that too because of Chris. Good riddance, Zeke. I tried to help you, but that's too bad. Boohoo. Sucks for you, dude.

I didn't really care, and why should I? The guy wasn't really my friend, and I didn't intend on making any new ones.

I knew these people like the back of my hand. This time would not be like the last. This was _my_ season. Just let someone try and stop me.

* * *

 **[1]** For anyone who hasn't watched this movie yet, please do! It's brutally fun! Forget about what the critics say and frickin' watch it!

So, the first destination's over with. Thoughts?

You probably have zero ideas about where we're going next. Just kidding. Of course, it is… JAPAN! :D

It turns out that Duncan and Ezekiel are gone, just like in canon. Not to worry, Ezekiel and Duncan fans. They'll still have a role to play in the upcoming episodes. Or will they? Find out on the next exciting chapter of... "Noah's Tour of the World!"

* * *

I've added a section to show how the voting went at the end ('Vote-List'). During "Total Drama Redemption", it was integrated into the chapter and I felt like it didn't fit in well with the rest of the chapter. I'm hoping this will streamline things a bit.

* * *

 ** _Vote List_**

BRIDGETTE - Ezekiel

EZEKIEL - Noah

IZZY - Ezekiel

LESHAWNA - Ezekiel

NOAH - Ezekiel

OWEN - Ezekiel

 _Vote Count:_ Ezekiel (5); Noah (1)

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot –** Leshawna, Noah, Owen, Izzy, Bridgette [Third, Sitting in Economy Class]

 **Team Epic –** Alejandro, Lindsay, Trent, Tyler, Harold, DJ [Second, Sitting in Economy Class]

 **Team Amazon –** Heather, Cody, Sierra, Courtney, Gwen [First, Sitting in First Class]

 ** _Eliminated –_** Duncan (Quit), Ezekiel (Voted Off)


	8. Stupid Crappy Lazy Dumb Time Japan

**Milestone Achievement Unlocked:** 50 Reviews!

Oh, my Cthulhu, readers! Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews. I will try to take all of your suggestions into consideration. Please keep them coming so I can improve this story and make it even better than the original. :)

* * *

The story you are about to read is extremely badass. If you wish to read a fanfic about a happy little elf, I'm sure there are still plenty of them under Cartoon number four (My Little Pony). However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive teenagers, dangerously interesting challenges, diabolical hosts, horrible food and secret alliances, then stay as I retrace each and every one of the Noah Carter's steps. My name is Purple Bandit, and it is my duty to document this tale.

Hope I'm not late, if so don't hate, because here's chapter eight!

* * *

 **-Chapter viii-**

* * *

 **Destination 2 (Part One) – Stupid Crappy Lazy Dumb Time Japan!**

 **Current Venue:** Total Drama Jumbo Jet, Economy Class

 **Geographical Location:** [N/A]

* * *

Opening my eyes, I noticed I was floating on white fluffy clouds.

Huh? What the hell? There was no way this was really happening. Right?

Damn it! How come almost every time I wake up, I find myself in some weird place and no knowledge of how I got there? This was getting really annoying.

"Hello, Noah!" A booming voice called out.

That voice. I know that voice... It was Matt's voice!

"Matt?" I called out. "What the hell's going on?"

"Welcome, Noah. You're dreaming right now. I have currently taken control of your mind and entered your dream."

I made out a figure in the distance. His voice sounded heavenly, nearly impossible for any mortal to imitate.

"Good, because I have some questions and I need some answers."

"Your duffel bag holds the answers to most of the questions you seek."

"Okay, first off, you need to clear up some of my confusion and tell me what's going on here!" I said. "Cody's mad at me, I'm dating Gwen, and Trent's competing for goodness sakes! What universe am I in and why I'm not the same reality as the second one like you promised!?"

"Ah, but it is the same reality. I like to keep my promises, Noah. This is the timeline that leads to you and Izzy getting married. You _do_ prefer that timeline, do you not?"

"Yes, I do. Very much. Seriously, you've got to be frickin' kidding me! It's the _same_ timeline!?"

"It is. Although currently, you look to be headed down a much darker path. I'm rather disappointed in you, Noah. You have made little to no effort to change the future."

"Effort? As in?" I then realized what he meant: Owen and Izzy.

I then realized what he meant: Owen and Izzy.

"Oh come on, they seem happy together. Gwen's an awesome girl too. Who am I to come between some guy and his lover, huh?"

"It may seem that way Noah, but if you continue on your current path and the timeline remains, it will end up horrible for everyone involved. Trust me."

"You want me to break up Owen and Izzy? I can't do that to my best buddy!"

"Noah, my friend, you will never fulfill your destiny until you let go of the illusion of control. Stop trying to control everything and just let go!"

I sighed. "So you're pretty much telling me that I have to get with Izzy before the end of this season?"

"That is one of your primary objectives, yes."

"There's no way I can do that without some sort of heartbreak taking place, is there?"

"Yes, unfortunately, there's simply no other way. It is all for the best in the end, though."

"Hmm. I see. Crap."

"You know what to do, Noah. Just remember everything I've told you. I know you're good at that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more very important people I need to meet."

Saying this, he started to get dimmer and dimmer. He was fading from my memory!

"Wait, wait! 'Remember everything you've ever told me'? What do you mean by that? Please elaborate! I can't do this alone!" I urged him.

"Yes, you can. Noah. You just have to believe in yourself."

"How? How? I need your help, master Matt!"

 _"_ No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Noah. Promise me you will believe.

 _"_ I... I will try." I said.

"Do or do not. There is no 'try'. My time has come. You must now continue your journey without me."

"No! Wait! Matt! You can't leave me!"

 _"_ You must believe…"

I wanted to talk with Matt more, but it was too late... and like that, poof, he's gone.

I jerked up from my seat. I saw pitch black all around. It was the dead of the night. I thought dreams happen to people during the last phase of their sleep, but this guy, being Master of All Time and Temporality could've certainly warped my mind and played some Jedi mind tricks on me.

I sat in stunned silence for a while, unable to comprehend the events that had just taken place right before my very eyes. I was still pretty tired, and there wasn't much that I could do at 2 o'clock in the morning. Thankfully, my belly was quite full from the dinner we ate last night. Luckily, I hadn't woken anyone up. Everyone around me was still fast asleep, so I soundly drifted off to sleep along with them.

-X-

I woke up at around 6:30, brushed my teeth and went to the Dining Area of the plane. It was bread and butter for breakfast. I grabbed some food and went back to Loser Class to eat.

I sipped on a cup of tea that I had snagged on my way here. Some people were still sleeping, while others had just gotten up. We were still groggy, and it was clear that most of us didn't sleep well.

As we were going through downtime right now, I realized that this was the perfect time to look around and try to memorize the layout of the plane. Maybe some changes had been made from last time around.

Here's what I observed: At the very front of the plane was the cockpit. Behind that was the First Class compartment. That section of the plane also contained Chris's quarters and the First Class bathroom. Behind them at the center of the plane was the Common Area, which was where food was usually served. Further back of this was the Economy Class compartment. Loser Class actually had two bathrooms, and only one of them had a camera in them, which I found interesting. I would have to keep this in mind. Behind Economy, at the very back of the plane, was the Elimination Area.

So the jet layout was like:

Elimination Chamber - Economy Class - Common Area - First Class - Cockpit

I thought back to what Matt said at the end of our first meeting, more specifically, his last words.

 _"You'll know if you've succeeded if, when all is said and done, your journey has ended where it had begun."_

What was that supposed to mean?

I had come into this season as one of the fan favorites, and by this time my label was no longer 'The Schemer' but rather 'The High IQ'. Not to boast but I have an IQ of 180, so this new trope was more suited to my tastes.

 _You're smart, Noah. Figure something out._

Dreams feel real when you're in them. Now, I was struggling to recollect what had gone on in my head last night. Matt had really contacted me again, and I wasn't sure if that would become a regular thing throughout this contest.

A part of me wished I could have saved Ezekiel from his demise. I should never have let the stick get into his hands. Then again, I couldn't just go using my powers willy-nilly. It only needed to be used when absolutely necessary. Who knows how much the timeline might have been altered if Ezekiel stayed on and someone else went off instead? I vowed to only use it for saving myself and my friends.

With great power comes great responsibility.

We had entered that awkward time in between challenges. The one where you could relax a little bit, but not too much because the drama don't stop until the final vote drops.

I went and took a look in my duffel bag. This bag that seemingly had all the answers. What I found was quite a selection of novels that Matt had gifted me. It was a good way to avoid unwanted conversation as well, and when you're sitting on a long boring flight, there can be a lot of unwanted conversation.

' _Around the World in 80 Days_ ' by Jules Verne. Well, that's as relevant as ever, but perhaps it's for another time.

I dug around a bit more and found a book to my liking.

' _1984_ ', by George Orwell. Perfect.

I sat down and began to silently read the first few lines, as I often did. The story began with a sentence that most people would be familiar with.

"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

I continued silently reading Orwell's '1984', turning the pages as I went.

"Winston Smith, his chin nuzzled into his breast in an effort to escape the vile wind, slipped quickly through the glass doors of Victory Mansions, though not quickly enough to prevent a swirl of gritty dust from entering along with him."

"The hallway smelt of boiled cabbage and old rag mats. At one end of it a colored poster, too large for indoor display, had been tacked to the wall. It depicted simply an enormous face, more than a meter wide: the face of a man of about forty-five, with a heavy black mustache and ruggedly handsome features. Winston made for the stairs. It was no use trying the lift. Even at the best of times, it was seldom working, and at present, the electric current was cut off during daylight hours."

By now, my team members all had their breakfast and came back to sit. We were all on one side of Economy Class. Owen sat next to Izzy and Leshawna next to Bridgette. I was sitting in between Bridgette and Izzy, desperately trying to avoid the fact that Owen was trying to cop a feel of my former girlfriend.

Team Epic, which consisted of Trent, Alejandro, Harold, Lindsay, Tyler and DJ sat on the other side.

"It was part of the economy drive in preparation for Hate Week. The flat was seven flights up, and Winston, who was thirty-nine and had a varicose ulcer above his right ankle, went slowly, resting several times on the way. On each landing, opposite the lift-shaft, the poster with the enormous face gazed from the wall. It was one of those pictures which are so contrived that the eyes follow you about when you move. 'BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU', the caption beneath it ran."

My eyes glazed over the words on the page, and I couldn't help but think of myself as being in Winston's position. Remember kids, Big Brother is watching you!

We were fresh off of an elimination, and it was rather quiet save for the humming sounds of the plane. Most of us were still recovering from the Egyptian challenges, and my legs and arms had just begun to feel a brunt of the pain.

Owen tried to clear the air by telling us a relevant joke. "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An In-vest-igator! Haha! Get it?"

I could hear crickets chirping in the distance.

Bridgette sighed. "I miss British Columbia. The waves were magnificent there. I used to go there every summer to surf with my friends, Fin, Leslie, and Lo."

"Oh, you and your girlfriends love to surf, huh?" Leshawna said.

"Well, one of them is actually a guy, but yeah." She said, then moped.

"So you're telling me Chip got rid of Douglas, too?" Lindsay asked us.

"If you're talking about _Duncan_ , then, yeah." Bridgette said. "I'll have to break the news to Courtney as soon as possible."

I heard Harold mumble "Thank goodness."

Duncan's withdrawal had drawn mixed reactions, but no one really talked about Zeke's elimination. He didn't play such a major role in the grand scheme of things anyway, so I guess it didn't matter much.

Trent was restless, fiddling and fidgeting with his hands, but still quiet. He hadn't really spoken that much this season. Perhaps that would change going forward.

I also noticed that Bridgette kept trying to steal glances at Alejandro. The Latino acted like he didn't know, but he knew. I knew he knew.

As for me, I felt like I had been hit with a neuralyzer and had forgotten everything there was to know about Season Two.

With nothing better to do, I went over to the Confessional Camera, or 'Confession Cam' for the first time this season.

"If I were to describe our stay in Egypt in one word, I would choose 'exhaustive'." I sighed.

"Everywhere we looked, there was sand, sand, and more sand. Of course, Ezekiel just _had_ to be a doofus and lose our stick. It was the smallest reward of the three, and we still lost it. We came in second in the race but still lost the challenge because of that idiot. I mean, what the hell? I'm hoping we do better in the next location."

I left the Airplane Bathroom.

I recalled Bridgette, DJ and a couple of others telling me how they had made some happy and cheerful confessionals (somehow) back on The Island in an attempt to lighten the mood, but they were ultimately never aired. They were edited out of the episode because they didn't fit the dramatic narrative. I drew parallels between the book I was reading and the life I was living.

We were so steadfast in our quest for money, so fueled by greed, that we never realized that the real enemies were the ones in charge of this whole operation: the directors, the producers, the creators, the networks, the host, and to a lesser extent, his grumbling sidekick.

All of us competitors were continually beating ourselves up for the enjoyment of others, all while the people that put us in this position could profit from our misery. We put up with all of this nonsense for what? Stardom? Fortune? Give me a break. Fame is fleeting. What was in one day was out the next. We knew that, but we continued to delude ourselves with false illusions of grandeur.

Truth be told, if we were looking for the guilty, we need only look into a mirror. It was all our fault. _We_ were the ones that had signed the contract and sealed our fate. If only I knew that signing it meant resigning myself to certain doom, I would have never signed those bloody documents in the first place. Sure, I had made some friends, but also far more enemies that I didn't think it was worth it.

Why couldn't Matt have sent me back in time to before I agreed to be on this show? I'm 100% confident I wouldn't participate again unless I was absolutely forced to. Well, I was here and this was the scenario facing me. There was no use in crying over spilled milk. It was time to man up.

It was at this point in time that the Jumbo Jet began experiencing some turbulence. It shook me out of my thoughts and brought me back into the real world. We were going through a rough patch right now. The plane began shaking a bit as it flew, and Owen wrapped the seatbelt around him in terror.

"Ah! I'm too young to diiiiiiiiiie!" Owen cried out.

Poor guy. Flying was one of his biggest fears on The Island along with Izzy. The redhead had gotten over it. The blond, not so much.

Of course, I had to comfort him. "Stop sweating, lunchbox. Air travel is one of the safest modes of transportation... unless you're in a deathtrap."

I wasn't saying that just to calm him down. There were actual statistics to back me up. Airplanes had less than 0.1 deaths per one billion passenger miles. One of the main reasons for this low death-rate was because there was barely any air traffic. Two planes rarely fly in close proximity of each other, unless an emergency situation dictated it. Motorbikes, cars, and trucks were far deadlier ways to travel.

That was when the wooden 'door' came clean off its hinges and right off the plane.

"...This one for example!"

Then again, on a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

We had just lost cabin pressure.

I was surrounded by screaming people. The cold winds whipped around us, trying to draw us out of the plane like a vacuum. Owen's seatbelt began to rip. I held on to the plank for dear life. It was a drop of about 35000 feet from here to the ground, and no one wanted to endure _that_.

The atmospheric pressure was pulling objects out of Economy Class, and it tried to take us along with them. Leshawna held on to the bench. She didn't want to be sucked into the atmospheric vortex but was losing her grip.

"This is not the way Leshawna is leaving this world!" The girl screamed.

She was forced to let go, but someone grabbed her hand and pulled her to safety. That 'someone' was none other than the womanizer, Alejandro Burromuerto.

"Such beauty will not fall through giant airplane holes on my watch!" Alejandro said, holding Leshawna close with his free hand.

After a while, the pressure went back to normal and the plane stabilized. The Spanish Casanova was still holding Harold's girlfriend in his arms.

"You can put me down now." Leshawna said. "I mean if you wanted. Or not. Your choice, because this is nice." She snuggled up to him.

"That creep can roll." I said to Owen, only Owen wasn't next to me anymore. He was plugging the big hole that had been made on the plane with his massive girth.

"Not that this isn't fascinating and all, but, ah! Help! My butt is being sucked out of a plane!" Owen shouted.

We all went and pulled Owen out. Then we quickly pushed a wooden slab to cover the humongous hole that had formed. That seemed to do the trick.

I heard a beep from the overhead, which could only mean that Chris was going to speak through the loudspeaker from the intercom.

"This is your captain speaking!"

Yep, I was correct.

"It's time for everyone to join me in the Common Area, and I do mean _everyone_." He said.

Welp. Time to go.

We all went to the Dining Area in the middle of the plane. Chris was waiting for everyone to gather and settle down before he talked.

"Chris, man, you need to fix that door back in Economy Class, man. We nearly died back there!" DJ said.

"Yes, I am aware of that, DJ, and am currently working on a solution." Chris said.

This calmed us down a little.

"Welcome to today's challenge!" Chris said. "It's-"

"Is it a reward or elimination challenge?" Harold asked, interrupting the host and getting on his nerves.

"Good question, Harold, and… like I'm gonna tell you!"

"Two of us got booted out last time, so today has 'reward' written all over it." Tyler whispered to us.

"I could use a reward!" Lindsay said. "Oh, I hope it's candy! Or a whole bunch of shoes! Or shoes made of candy!"

"I hope you all bought your giant radioactive monster repellant, because, we are about to land in… Japan!" Chris said.

Harold was the first to react, letting out a cry of delight and pumping his fists in excitement. He could barely control his jubilation.

"We're going to Japan!" The nerd exclaimed. "I've wanted to go here all my gosh-darn life! This is great!"

"So, are you guys ready for some Super Happy Crazy Fun time in Japan!?" Chris asked us excitedly.

 _Heh. More like 'Stupid Crappy Lazy Dumb Time in Japan'_

Heather just rolled her eyes. "Has anyone recognized the difficulty we'll have going to other countries? Who here can speak Japanese?"

I raised my hand, and Harold, Izzy, Courtney, Cody, Gwen, and Alejandro did as well. Heather sank into her chair, defeated for the time being.

"We're going to the home of Konami!" Cody said excitedly. "They created a crapton of the video games I like!"

"Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A!" Cody and Harold said together.

Then they both high-fived. "Yeah!"

"Nerds." Courtney said under her breath.

All Egypt had to offer us was a not-so-grand land of bland sand glands. Visiting a bustling city was sure to spice things up.

"Japan should be fun. I love to travel, especially to places rich in culture." Gwen said.

"Funny you should say that," Heather said as she sipped her coffee. "considering you're not rich and have no culture."

Gwen shot her a glance and was going to respond verbally, but decided it wasn't worth it. The Goth came over to talk to me.

"Just ignore her." I said. "Sleep well?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Not really."

"Hm. I somehow anticipated Heather and Courtney struggling for power, but I never thought I would get involved." Gwen said. "I don't want to lead, especially after what happened last season. You remember what happened last season, right?"

"…Oh yes, like the back of my hand." I said, somewhat uneasily.

So, Gwen was still a team captain in Total Drama Action. Interesting. I wonder who the other one was.

"Yes!" Harold was having a nerdgasm. "We can visit sushi restaurants, and attend Comiket, and go to a Shinto Shrine, and look at Nintendo Headquarters, and-"

"Oh, I'm sorry to let you down, Harold, but we are not going to let you trouble-making teenagers run amuck foreign countries and possibly get Canada involved in an international scandal.' Chris said. "There's _no way_ I'm leaving you guys unsupervised like we did back in Egypt."

The nerd sighed in regret and slumped down in a chair. The host took pleasure in this torment; there was no doubt about that.

"Anyways, Chef wanted to dress for the occasion. Oh, Chef! You can come out now!" Chris called.

A door opened to reveal the warrior-cook-pilot dressed in an orange robe, and carrying a bō staff in his mouth. It looked badass, but Harold wasn't impressed.

"Gosh, you guys! That's totally a Chinese outfit!" The nerd complained.

Harold Dynamite's annoyance wasn't unfounded. Chef Hatchet was dressed up like a Shaolin Monk, which was funny in and of itself because Chef had anything _but_ a monk's peacefulness. The thing was, Shaolin Monks originated from _China_ , not Japan. It's remarkable how often those two places get mixed up.

"Thank you, Harold." Chris said dismissively. "Now remember, anyone who doesn't sing-"

"It's just… you really think you'd work harder to get it right." Harold persisted.

Now, with that being said, the nerd should've kept in mind who he was addressing and kept his mouth in check. I was pretty upset too, but I knew arguing to Chris about it wouldn't do jack.

"Harold!" Chris was pissed off now. "Anyone who doesn't sing is immediately disqualified." The host reminded us.

"Shut up, Harold." Courtney whispered.

Of course, the freckled dude did just the opposite.

"Your cultural insensitivity is just… gosh! I mean, gosh!"

The host was angry, and Chef had a mischievous glint in his eyes. Chef Hatchet looked to Chris, who turned to Chef and nodded at him in confirmation. Chef nodded back. Chris nodded at Chef again. Chef then nodded back. Chris nodded at him yet again, this time with a scowl. Chef nodded back again.

"Dude, stop nodding and just do it, already!" Chris said.

The mighty Chef took a mighty swing and sliced at the not-so-mighty door on the plane's side. The door creaked, making everyone nervous.

Uh oh. That's not good.

"Um." Said a very scared Owen. "They make those doors really well, don't they?"

"Of course, they do, big guy." I said.

Long story short, no they don't.

The door split into three parts and fell out of the plane, and the air pressure of the plane dropped for the second time in a couple of minutes thanks to yet another gaping hole.

So once again, the cold air whipped around us, trying to draw us out of the plane like a vacuum. The only difference was that some of us weren't as lucky this time around and got tossed out of the plane like leaves flying in the wind.

It was even stronger this time. I could feel it tugging at me.

No! I would rather die another day!

My fingers were slipping and my grip was loosening.

One by one, all of us were sucked out of the plane, flailing and kicking and screaming. We desperately tried to hold on to something to avoid the fate, but no one was strong enough, not even DJ or Owen. Abject terror was the last thing that went through my mind as I let go.

We had gone into freefall.

* * *

Oh no! The cast of Total Drama World Tour is plummeting to their doom! What ever shall we do?

* * *

I hope that Noah's encounter with Matt clarified a couple of things for you. On the other hand, it might have also brought up even more questions, so... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

NOTE: Guys, if you're going to ask me a question, please login so I can reply to you. I can't send you a Private Message if you are a guest. Reviewing as a guest is fine, but if you want a question to be answered, please log in before reviewing.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team C.R.R.R.R.H. –** Leshawna, Noah, Owen, Izzy, Bridgette [Currently falling]

 **Team Epic –** Alejandro, Lindsay, Trent, Tyler, Harold, DJ [Currently falling]

 **Team Amazon –** Heather, Cody, Sierra, Courtney, Gwen [Currently falling]

 ** _Eliminated –_** Duncan, Ezekiel


	9. Rice Rice Baby

It's Trent's favorite number! :9

Hope you're doing fine. Now for chapter nine!

* * *

 **-Chapter ix-**

* * *

 **Destination 2 (Part Two) – Rice Rice Baby**

 **Current Venue:** Airborne

 **Geographical Location:** Tokyo, Tokyo Prefecture [Japan]

* * *

We were hurtling towards the ground at breakneck speed. Cthulhu knows what fate awaited us at the bottom.

So, this is how it all ends, then. Farewell, Total Melodrama World Tour.

My whole life flashed before my eyes: Chess, reading, sleeping, being bullied, smart comments, reading, laziness, joining Total Drama Island, my first kiss with Izzy, reading, boobs, Chef's horrid food, reading, marshmallows, sleeping, non-participation, sarcasm, and more reading.

The teenagers around me were all in varying degrees of panic. It was like we had all been chosen to take the Drop of Shame.

 _I'm freeeeeeeeeeee! ...Freefallin'..._

 _Now I'm freeeeeeee! ...Freefallin'..._

The lyrics of that song were racing through my mind as I raced through the sky.

One doesn't know what true fear is until they're falling through the sky without anything to slow them down.

Around me, fifteen people plummeted through the sky, screaming in horror. I realized that of us all, only Alejandro was as calm as a monk.

All of us were constantly accelerating until we reached terminal velocity.

"Woohoo! This is fun! Yeah!" Izzy cheered as she danced around in the air.

"So, I guess this is the end." Courtney wailed. "We're all going to die from this... this is all your fault, Harold!"

"Yeah, you just had to provoke Chef. Couldn't just let the guy enjoy his cosplay, could you!?" Heather shouted.

"Way to go, butt face!" Trent chimed in.

However, Harold was too busy mumbling about how stupid Chris was and the countless inconsistencies that the show had overlooked.

"In case you haven't noticed, string bean, we're falling to our deaths!" Leshawna shouted at him.

"Well, there is still a minute chance we will survive." Harold said. "You see, according to Einstein's theory of relativity, despite the fact that we're at a very high rate of speed, if we hit the ground at the optimum angle, taking gravity, our combined mass, and the atmosphere into account, the centrifugal force and the Earth's rotation could actually be enough to-"

He was blabbering about physics and I tuned him out.

"Great, we're gonna die because our cook has an ego problem and our host was too cheap to buy parachutes for us!" Tyler complained. "What the... duck?"

A flying fowl had appeared in front of the punk, flapping its wings as it looked around. It looked like the one I saw back in Egypt.

The duck began quacking and flapping around.

"Aw, come here." DJ said, trying to grab it.

Instead, he ripped off some of its feathers by mistake and the duck flew away, scared of the gentle giant.

"No! I'm totally cursed!" DJ wept. Hurting another animal had caused him more pain than the fact that he was falling towards impending doom.

Hurting another animal had caused him more pain than the fact that he was falling towards impending doom.

"We're all gonna die!" Owen was shrieking. "Die from falling to our deaths and impacting on the surface! Mommy!"

 _*Ding ding*_

"Seriously? I mean, seriously?" I asked incredulously.

Why did that bell always have to ring at the worst possible moment? I mean here we were falling to our deaths and this schmuck expects us to break out into song!?

"Sing, and I might think about saving your musical buttocks!" Chris shouted through a megaphone from the door of the plane. "Maybe you'll try harder next time, eh!?"

Alas, our only choices were to either sing or die. So, we began to sing the fourth song of the season, ' _Before We Die_ '.

Courtney started us off. "We're singing as we're falling!"

"While some are cannon-balling!" Heather sang.

We're falling! We're singing! We're falling and we're singing! Come fall with us! Come bawl with us!

Ugh. This was seriously messed up.

I swear Cartoon Network was going to make some sort of computer game involving us falling out of a plane or something.

"We might just go ka-blooey!" I sang with Owen.

"Get smushed and be ka-chewy!" Tyler and Harold continued.

"Except there's tons we want to to do before we diiiiiiiie!" We all sang together.

The song then shifted to things we'd like to do before we died.

"Meet Stephen Hawking!" Was what I said.

"Marry Cody." Was Sierra's.

I made two assumptions from this: That Cody was absolutely screwed, and that Sierra would utterly fail the Bechdel test.

"But first, we must cease dropping. Our goal here would be stopping!" I sang.

At this point, we had each held someone's hands and formed a circle, all except for Owen, who was in the center. Heather and Tyler's hands were the ones I grabbed.

Then, at last, came the conclusion, which we all sang together.

"Because there's still so much to do before we die! Yeah, we said it! There's still so much to do, there's still so much to do, there's still so much to do before we die! Yeah!"

"Well, if we're going to go, we might as well all go together." DJ said.

"We've really been falling for an abnormally long amount of time!" Courtney noted.

At last, we saw the ground.

...Oh, crap, crud, crap frickn' crappity crap! FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

PLOP!

What the haystack? Contrary to popular opinion, we weren't dead. We had landed in a giant bowl of cooked rice. What are the odds?

We were safe but were all in utter shock at our near-death experience. Well, _almost_ all of us. Harold burst up.

"JAPAN! YES! I know everything about this place!"

"What you know just sent us freefalling out of a plane!" Leshawna scolded.

Holy shit! I couldn't believe it. By lottery winning odds, we had all miraculously survived with merely a scratch.

 _Now I know how Felix Baumgartner felt._

"Mmmm. Cooked rice." Owen said as he ate some of it.

One by one, we all exited the bowl safe and sound. I wiped the rice off my clothes and hair.

"Konichiwa, Japan!" Harold said, excited.

"It's your antics that nearly got us killed back there, Samurai Jack!" Said an angry Heather.

We had arrived in the Land of the Rising Sun. Long gone were the sandy dunes of Egypt. It was a welcome change in scenery.

Unfortunately, there weren't a bunch of geisha girls there to welcome us by singing 'Welcome to Tokyo' in J-Pop.

Alejandro began to flirt with Leshawna in Japanese, which irked Harold a bit. However, the nerd was too captivated by the dazzle and awe of Tokyo to react.

Chris and Chef came up to us. Both of them were clapping.

"What an entrance! Falling from the sky into a giant bowl of rice! Way to promote the show, guys!" Chris said.

"Ugh. Buzz off." Heather said.

Unfortunately for us all, Chris chose not to buzz off.

I felt someone put their arm on my shoulder.

"You stole my girlfriend. Prepare to pay." I heard a voice whisper chillingly in my ear. That was Trent's voice!

I whipped around to witness Trent talking with his teammates about something. I was sure it was the musician who had uttered those words, but why?

Then a bunch of security guards marched towards us, cutting off all exits. We were surrounded! The uniforms and badges they were wearing told us that they were from the Tokyo Police Department.

"Um… are we in trouble?" DJ asked, whimpering.

"You'll never take me alive!" Izzy screamed.

The redhead liked to rebel against authority. We all did at some point. Later on, we actually _become_ the authority figures that we used to rebel against. What a cruel twist of fate.

"What'd you do this time, Chris?" Gwen asked the host.

"Nothing! These guys are here to escort us." Chris said.

Damn! I wonder how many strings Chris had to pull to get the freaking Japanese law enforcement on our side.

"Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?" Chris asked one of the guards.

"Um, Chris, they know English." Chef whispered to him.

"Oh. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Now, which one of you is the Head of Security?"

One member of the police force stepped forward. Chris told him something, and they all began to lead us somewhere. We all followed behind Chris and the police, gazing at Japan.

It was my second time here, of course, but it was almost as splendid as the first.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are walking in the birthplace of Pokémon!" Cody said, his eyes agape.

"Man, I wish Pokémon were real." The geek said. "They should really start working on an augmented-reality game or something that allows us to catch Pokémon in real life. I bet that would sell like hotcakes."

No, Cody, that would actually be a very bad idea. People would run into poles and cars and shit. It's not gonna kill you. It's just gonna hurt you... really, really, bad.

"Ugh." Heather scoffed. "Who cares about some lame Pokemons?"

"It's not 'Pokemons', it's 'Pokémon'. Gosh!" Cody and Harold both corrected at the same time, well, only Harold said the "gosh!" part.

"You guys are the dorkiest dorks I've ever met." Heather said.

Meanwhile, Chris was engaged in conversation with the head of Tokyo PD.

"You've swept them all for cameras and cell phones, right?"

"Yes, Mr. Maclean. We've taken all of the necessary precautions." He answered.

"I trust there won't be any leaked info. A man in a position such as mine can't afford to take risks." Chris said.

"You won't have to worry about that, sir." The officer assured him.

The most likely scenario was that Total Drama World Tour hadn't begun to air yet, and Chris didn't want any rumors spreading. I certainly hoped we wouldn't undergo Flanderization upon hitting the networks, as we were now in the third season of the same competition. Who we were on Total Drama wasn't exactly who we were in the real world.

"I don't see why they're mad at you." Bridgette told Harold. "I mean, it was _Chef_ who broke down that door, after all."

"Because I won't beat the shit out of them when they complain." Harold said, causing Bridgette to giggle.

We were walking towards a big building. I noticed that the host didn't even let anyone from the camera crew join us. Wow. How tight can you get?

"Japan: One of the only Asian countries where baseball's actually popular." Tyler said.

Duly noted, Tyler.

"Psst," I whispered to Gwen. "Baseball is the one with the stumps, gloves, and the net, right?"

She just chuckled in return.

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just that I love how you're pretty much an expert on everything yet so clueless when it comes to sports." The Goth said.

I heard a lot of whooping and hollering. Turning to where the noise was coming from, I saw that a huge crowd had swarmed around the area we were about to enter. The policemen formed a circle around us. As soon as we entered, the crazy fans were upon us.

Chris was really cautious with regard to confidentiality. Damn! The rules outside strictly stated that no photographs, selfies, or videos were allowed. Chris had charged people just to get a look at us live, and they still coughed up the money.

"Listen," Chris addressed Chef. "We're not spoiling anything until it actually gets officially aired on television."

"But then we wouldn't actually be spoiling anything." Chef said.

"Exactly. My theory on fans is that they're like mushrooms: Feed them shit and keep them in the dark."

Upon entering We were swarmed by crazed fans. What struck me was that they were of various ages. Some were old, some were young, and others were in their teens just like us. I was aware that this show had a massive following, but I hadn't actually seen the extent of it up till now. Hot damn!

Some of the popular girls, like Lindsay, Courtney, and Heather, posed for nonexistent cameras due to a force of habit.

"What's up with this?" Courtney asked aloud. "Are we really that famous?"

"Sure are," Chris said, flashing his trademark smile. "Total Drama is a huge hit in Japan!"

"And you tried to get rid of us," I remarked. "You really are a moron, aren't you?"

The crazed fans held up posters, banners, keychains, toys, cutouts, clothes and all sorts of Total Drama merchandise. A few had their face painted with the TDWT logo. Some were dressed in the same clothes we were wearing. Others pushed items towards us, eager for autographs which they could not receive. It was a feeding frenzy. They would not be contained, and the guards struggled to keep them at bay.

There were chants of 'Total Drama!' as people shouted out their favorite character's names. They were eager to catch a glimpse of the stars of their favorite reality TV shows. Heck, even _Chef Hatchet_ had a couple of fans here, and that's saying something.

I saw two Japanese girls holding a blowup doll of me. The females were both kissing either cheek of the tube doll's face. I was rather amused by this. Gwen wasn't.

Security found it difficult to silence the raucous crowd, and it seemed at any moment that there would be a breach. However, most of the fans were rather respectful, simply admiring us from a distance.

"Now, today's challenge is a two-parter." Chris said. "Both of your challenges are based on, and pander to, Japan's media-centric culture."

After a while, the crowd dispersed. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole experience. One could only look at the same faces for so long, no matter how friendly those faces were. It was refreshing to see some new faces for a change.

Though it took longer than expected, we reached the building. Upon entering, we realized it was a game show studio.

We all gathered with the members of our team, and Chris talked.

"Okay. Your first challenge is inside a Japanese game show studio. Bow down before Super Human Mega Pinball Smash!"

"Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go?" Lindsay asked, confused.

"Oh, so _that's_ what that huge pinball board is for." Gwen said, bringing to our attention the huge pinball board which had somehow gone unnoticed up till now.

"I love Japanese game shows!" Tyler said.

"Sweet!" Harold said as the two high-fived.

"Tyler, you fool," I grumbled. "We're all supposed to be shunning Harold for almost killing us, remember?"

"My favorite is 'Human Itchy My Car Go-Go'," Harold said. "where you have to throw a banana into a car window using a-"

"Giant shrimp fork!" Tyler finished. Meh. Nothing beats 'Takeshi's Castle' in my opinion.

Meh. Nothing beats 'Takeshi's Castle' in my opinion.

 _*BONG!*_

Chris banged the giant gong next to him. "Oh look. My own personal geek-gong!"

"Don't do that, Chris! You're going to bring out the Scorpion King!" Izzy said.

Hey, I thought we were done with 'The Mummy' references back in Egypt!

"Okay. It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!" Chris said. "Here are the rules of Human Pinball."

"First off, each team is going to have a giant ball to play with."

Cody, Harold, and Tyler guffawed at this, trying to suppress their childish desire to giggle, but let out a few hoots, and got glares from disapproving females. Lindsay didn't get it.

Chris continued. "All of the big balls are going to be whacked into the game by _this_ long hard stick."

Chris pat the giant, spring-loaded stick for starting the game as some of the boys (including me), started giggling openly. What can I say? I have a dirty mind.

Even a couple of the girls started to snicker as Chris carried on above the commotion.

"Now, you'll want to bounce your large balls around as much as possible to score, but you don't want to go into the hole at the bottom. It's very bad when one of your balls goes into the hole because you cannot remove the ball from the hole and get it back." Chris said.

Phrasing!

That did it. All those trying their best not to laugh were doubling over with not-at-all-suppressed laughter. Except for Lindsay, who thought there must be a joke someone told that she missed. Oh, my sides!

"I don't get it." Lindsay said.

"Every sentence you just told us could be a 'that's what she said'." Cody blurted out in between chuckles.

Now I know why studios always change the word 'ball' to something else whenever an animé is dubbed in English. 4Kids still sucks dick, though.

Chris just rolled his eyes. "You dumb kids and your juvenile sense of humor."

"Japanese game shows are whack, yo." DJ said amid the laughter.

Chris waited for the laughter to subside before continuing.

"Scores will be calculated _here_." Chris said. He pointed to a board with three rows of five placeholder slots for digits on it, one row for each team.

"Okay. I need one volunteer from each team to climb into the ba- object!" Chris said, quickly correcting himself.

"Most points win, _and_ I have a special local surprise for each of you to share your little spherical paradise with, so, teams, select a guy- or gal. Epic?"

"Oh yeah! It's totally going to be epic!" Tyler said.

"No, I meant ' _Team_ Epic, who are you choosing?'." Chris said. "By the way, _this_ is your pinball buddy." He held up a fuzzy baby panda.

"A panda? No way!" DJ said. "Remember when I crumpled that mummy-puppy in Egypt and the whole pyramid exploded?"

"That so totally did not happen!" Leshawna said. "The mummy-dog didn't explode. It just disintegrated, remember?"

"I remember when you knocked a poor little birdie out of the sky." Lindsay said.

"Exactly! Terrible. I think that dog thing might have cursed me." DJ stated.

Tyler was going to step forward and volunteer, but Alejandro beat him to the punch.

"I'll do it. For my team." The Latino said.

"Wicked." Chris said. "Incoming!" He tossed the ferocious crouching panda at the Spaniard, who coolly caught it.

Once the savage beast was in Alejandro's hands, it immediately turned as cute as a puppy. As the charming young man started to sweet-talk the panda, both the cub and most of the girls of TDWT were all swooning.

"Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot?"

"I'm, uh, I'm allergic to panda dander. I get hives." I said. It wasn't a total lie. I wasn't exactly sure, but why take the risk? Better safe than sorry.

It wasn't a total lie. I wasn't exactly sure, but why take the risk? Better safe than sorry.

"What he said." Owen said, pointing at me.

"Y'all need to man up." Said Leshawna.

"Oh really? I don't see _you_ volunteering." I said.

"At least I'm not making up a BS excuse to weasel my way out of it, turkey." Leshawna argued. I clenched my fists. Things were about to get ugly when Izzy spoke.

"Oh, oh! Pick me! Pick me!" The redhead said, bouncing up and down. It was a sight to behold. "I volunteer as tribute!"

I had escaped from my predicament thanks to her.

"Izzy, I owe you one." I told her.

She nodded. "No problem, Noah boa! Izzy loves wild rides!"

"And… Team Amazon?" Chris asked.

"Gwen's face could use a remodeling." Heather snarked.

"Nice." Said Gwen sarcastically. "I hate to tell you, but we're on the _same_ team! So, you might want to flip the witch-switch back to off!" The Goth shot back.

Courtney cleared her throat. "As leader of Team Amazon, I think we should choose-"

" _You're_ the leader?" Heather barked. "No way! I'm the leader!"

"Oh, like I trust you!" Gwen snapped. "Neither of you deserve to lead!"

"Stay out of this, Weird Goth Girl!" Courtney shouted.

"Hey!" Heather cried out. "I call her that, that's my personal insult, you, you... Cocksucker In Training!"

Courtney uttered a rather audible gasp.

"You shut your whore mouth!" Courtney screamed. "Oh, you did not just call me that! We're going there, are we!?"

All the while, Chris was just watching the spectacle unfold, rubbing his hands in glee.

"Stop bickering!" Cody said, breaking up the catfight. "I'll do it."

This disappointed Chris, but he quickly turned his frown upside-down.

"You might want to bring a toothbrush, Cody, because the beast _you'll_ be sharing your space with is... Sierra!" The host said.

Cody immediately regretted his decision.

Due to my magic of foresight, I had the power to save pretty much whoever I wanted. Unfortunately, in this case, I couldn't save my best friend, well, _former_ best friend.

"Wait a minute! Pandas come from China!" Harold said, crossing his arms. "I thought you said we were getting a 'local surprise'! Just why do you have panda cubs in Jap-?"

An aggravated Courtney smacked him upside the head.

"The last time you complained about that, you almost got us all killed, so shut up!" The CIT said.

Chris repeated the rules to us.

"Your teammates are going to beat you around the gameboard, scoring points by bumping you off spinners, bumpers, and posts. The team with the most points wins an advantage in the second part of the challenge!"

"Chris, I think there should be nine balls and nine people in each ball." Trent said.

"Trent, that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard." The host replied.

Chris had given us some time to strategize before the action began. I saw both the gamers, Cody and Harold, discussing intently what tactics the team should use. Team Amazon was at a disadvantage as they only had three members to control their paddle.

"So, what do we do Noah?" Bridgette asked me.

Wow! Was my team actually asking me for help? That's a first.

I thought for a bit. I had played the 'Full Tilt! Pinball' game for countless hours on my old desktop computer, but this was rather different from that. I was no Pinball Wizard, still, it helped to have knowledge of the mechanics of the game.

"Well, we're only going to have control over one aspect of the game, the flipper. Our best bet is to get Izzy and the pinball as high as possible. It gives us the best chance to hit the most objects and get the most points." I said. My team nodded in agreement.

"Yeah. Get me high, guys!" Izzy said.

Chris called us over, signaling the end of our strategy session. The chosen ones all got into the giant hamster-balls. The preliminary challenge was about to begin. Team Amazon's ball was pink, our team's was blue, and Team Epic's was yellow.

Aw, why did we have to get the blue balls?

"It's Human Pinball time!" Chris said. "Three... two... one... Let it rip!"

Chef pulled back the plunger, and the three balls with their six passengers were launched into the gameboard.

"Get into positions!" Leshawna said.

The game had begun, and things were pretty tight in the beginning. It was close as the balls bounced around. Cody and Sierra were flung into the air

"The paddle must connect with the ball at a perfect 33.7-degree angle to maximize the impact." Harold stated as his teammates struggled with the paddle.

"Either help or get out of the way!" Trent shouted at the nerd.

 _"You stole my girlfriend. Prepare to pay."_

I shuddered. Those were the first words Trent had directly spoken to me this season.

Wham! Something plowed me down to the ground. Ouch! I got up and dusted myself off.

"Damn, those balls have a hard impact!" Leshawna said, and I again tried desperately not to laugh.

"Oh, I hope nothing happens to Izzy in there." Owen said worriedly.

"Don't worry. She won't come out anymore mentally-challenged than she already is." Heather said from her team's flipper.

"Well, it takes one retard to know another, I guess." I fired back at her.

"Oh, nice one." Gwen told me.

This triggered another argument among them, and pretty soon Courtney joined in as well, meaning no one was attending to their paddle. They were so busy arguing that they couldn't save their ball from slipping past the paddle and into the exit hole.

Cody fell out and feebly reached up to wipe away the lipstick from his face.

"Ugh! If we got a point for every time she kissed me in there!"

"We'd be millionaires!" Sierra said. Ew!

"Well, that's not creepy at all." I deadpanned.

We eventually grew weary of pushing the heavy flippers and gave up. Team Epic's ball came next, followed by our own.

"Woohoo! Fun!" Izzy said, climbing out of her ball. She laughed in merriment as she hugged Owen, smiling and gushing about how much fun it was.

"I hope you didn't kill that panda in there." Leshawna said.

"Nope." Said Izzy, holding up the intact panda bear. "In fact, I'm going to name him Po and raise him as my own. Haha!"

Alejandro came out of his ball and was greeted with cheers by his team. He promptly thanked his panda pal before returning it to its box home.

"With a score of 462,000, Team Epic takes the Super Human Mega Pinball Smash!" Chris announced. "They also win a leg up in the next Japanese challenge."

Damn! They scored so many points the scoreboard gained an extra slot! Our team was in second place with 92,000 points. We had gotten our butts handed to us on a silver platter! Hopefully, that wouldn't be the case in the second leg.

Chris turned to address the cameras that had been recording us the whole time. Excited, he made an announcement.

"Stay tuned. There's more wacky cappy macky teriyaki action after the break!"

"Who's he talking to?" Lindsay asked, bewildered.

* * *

I think I need to touch up on some things with regards to the previous elimination a bit:

First off, Ezekiel is a rather challenging character to write. He hasn't gotten much character development, and he would require a rather serious rewrite with drastic changes to make him appealing to readers.

I basically see three versions of him on this site: The quiet / religious one, the crazy one, and the cool / hip wannabe one. Honestly, the only one I like is the crazy one (Found in 'Total Drama Returns' and 'I Am Zeke').

I think The CheeseBub does a good job at it. I haven't really been able to believe the other versions, but maybe that's just me. Sorry for that psychoanalysis. I just felt like I needed to get that out.

* * *

I hope you all enjoyed chapter Trent- err, _Nine_! Man, these Japan chapters are long. This one comes out to 4750 words, which is even more than the previous one. I'm sure you guys don't mind, though.

Well, I think it's safe to say that many of you guys were sick of Egypt. I was too. None of the other challenges will take seven chapters to get through, though, I can assure you that. Heck, I'm not even sure I can write that many chapters for just one challenge!

Anyways, here's the Seat Sheet:

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team Epic –** Alejandro, Lindsay, Trent, Tyler, Harold, DJ [First, Gain advantage]

 **Team C.R.R.R.R.H.** – Leshawna, Noah, Owen, Izzy, Bridgette [Second] **  
**

 **Team Amazon –** Heather, Cody, Sierra, Courtney, Gwen [Third]

 ** _Eliminated –_** Duncan, Ezekiel

* * *

 **NEXT UP:** The second part of the challenge begins, as Noah attempts to dig up more information about the second season, and receives an unexpected proposition from the member of an opposing team...


	10. Japanime

I like bending fanon around the canon parts of the episode. It's a bit like filling in puzzle pieces. Fun! :D

Well, the Olympics are over. I thought we would be in Greece by this point, but life happens I guess. Hopefully, we'll get to those chapters by the time the 2020 Olympics roll around (which, incidentally, will take place in Tokyo). We must remain optimistic!

I'm never rhyming again, now browse chapter ten:

* * *

 **\- Chapter x -**

* * *

 **Destination 2 (Part Three) – Japanimè**

 **Current Venue:** Human Pinball set

 **Geographical Location:** Tokyo, Tokyo Prefecture [Japan]

* * *

Tokyo is the heart and soul of Japan. It was rich in culture, had a good standard of living, the inhabitants were friendly people, and it also had neat futuristic gizmos including the Shinkansen Bullet Train, which was one of the fastest trains in the world.

Unfortunately, we weren't able to experience much of this amazing bliss as we were too busy slaving away doing whatever the hell Chris had ordered us to. Right now, Chris had ordered us to sit our butts down and wait for him to get back.

Bridgette was trying to calm down DJ, who was pacing back and forth, fretting over how he was hurting animals left and right. Tyler was trying to make small talk with Lindsay, who was still clueless about who the jock was. Trent was discussing with Alejandro about something, probably related to what the next challenge would be. Sierra was assaulting people left and right with questions about the show so she could put up the answers on her blog.

Our host, being paranoid about spoilers, had cordoned off the area to prevent any diehard fans from sneaking a peek at the challenges we were competing in.

"That was awesome!" Izzy said, referring to the Pinball challenge. "Can we do it again?"

"Wow. I can't believe Izzy actually enjoyed being a human pinball." I said to Leshawna.

"Yeah, but she's crazy so she get's a Psycho-Pass." The girl said.

Team Amazon had got only 75,000 points, coming up dead last.

"Hurk." Cody was bent over, puking yellowish green vomit onto the floor.

I'm not sure if he lost his lunch due to repeatedly rolling around in a dizzying ball and being knocked against the hard walls and bumpers for a long time, or because of Sierra.

Yeah, it was probably the latter.

"You losers cost us the game!" Heather shrieked at her team as Chef called some interns over to clean up the vomit.

"Forget this. I don't need to hear your whining. If anyone needs me, I'll be busy writing Chris's Death Note." Gwen said, heading off to a corner with her diary.

I took out my book and read as well. What was taking Chris so long?

"Owen?"

"Yes?"

"Stop reading over my shoulder."

"Okay."

I noticed Izzy sitting quietly with her head down, and went over to talk to her.

"Izzy, what's wrong?" I asked the redhead.

"Well… I couldn't earn you guys the advantage. Riding the pinball was cool and all, but I wanted to come in first and win."

I didn't wanting this to become The Melancholy Of Izzy Rostenkowski. I put my hand on her shoulder.

"That's okay." I said, trying to console her. "Besides, it's not about winning, it's about fun!"

"Really!?"

"No. It _is_ really all about winning. Don't worry about it, though. It's probably a dumb advantage anyway. The challenge isn't over yet, though. Let's try to win in the second part, okay?"

"Hm… alright." She said, nodding.

At that point, Chris returned from whatever the heck he was doing.

"I know you guys are happy to see me!" He said cheerfully to all of us.

"Where were you?" Gwen asked him.

"Uh… I had some urgent business to tend to. I totally wasn't jacking off or anything, I swear!"

"..."

At least Chris was still his same creepy self as usual.

"Alright, let's get a move on, shall we?" The host said, breaking the awkward silence. "Thankfully, the producers of Human Pinball were happy to oblige when we asked them if we could use their set for the day. Follow me!"

Chris walked up the steps to the second floor of the building.

Owen stared up the long passage. "Aha, we meet again! If it isn't my old enemy… stairs!"

After much huffing and puffing, the big guy made it along with the rest of us to the top of the staircase. Chris was standing in front of a projector, with Chef nearby.

"Please, take a seat." The host said.

I was seated next to Izzy as Chris played the video. It was a trailer for Total Drama Action, and it was awkward, to say the least.

I only had two words in response. "Um… what?"

"That piece of cinematic gold is the Japanese promo for season two! Total Drama is _huge_ here! It's huge almost everywhere, actually, and it's all thanks to me."

"Wow. Egotistical much?" I asked.

"Shut up, nerd! What do you guys know about good shows? You're all a bunch of losers who spend all day watching dumb cartoons like Naruto."

"You _are_ right with regards to Naruto, but not all animè is stupid! Some shows can be quite sophisticated. Gosh!" Harold said.

"Uhuh yeah, sure." Chris said dismissively. "Poppycock."

Was Chris calling _us_ immature? That's rich!

"Wait. That promo was in _English_ , so why are they dubbing our voices?" Courtney asked.

"Turns out the locals just don't like the sounds of y'all. Sorry."

"No, you're not." Courtney said.

"True…." The host said remorselessly. "Ready for the next challenge? I hope you paid attention because you'll be writing, directing and producing your very own Japanese commercial!"

Oh, joy!

"Oh man!" Gwen moaned. "It's Total Drama Action all over again!"

"There's a brand new candy hitting the Japanese market. It's Chef's 'Total Drama Yum Yum Happy Go Time Candy Fish Tails'!" Chris said. "I call this The Total Drama Yum Yum Happy Go Time Candy Fish Tails Challenge… of Celebration Fun!"

Wow, Chris. _Real_ original.

"Fish tails!?" DJ and Bridgette both shrieked.

"Relax. They're _candied_ fish."

"Ew. That makes me sick to my stomach." Courtney said.

"What? You've never eaten Pepperidge Farm's Goldfish Crackers before? With many exciting flavors, including Cheddar Made with Whole Grain and Pretzel, you can feel good about eating your favorite snacks." He said, holding flashing a toothy grin at the camera.

* _Cough_ * Product placement. * _Cough_ *

"You said we were gonna pay a _real_ Tokyo ad firm!" Chef said, displeased.

"Oops. I did, didn't I?" The host asked, shrugging.

"As props, you'll be allowed to use anything you can find in the Storage Area." Chris said. "Since Team Epic won the first challenge, they get to choose their props first."

The members of Team Epic high-fived each other. Tyler tried to join in but ended up face-planting into the ground. Only Tyler…

"With Team Chris choosing second, and Team Amazon stuck with... whatever dregs are left." Chris finished.

The latter looked dejected, while we were pleased.

I look at the DVDs, then back to Chris, now back at the DVDs, and back to Chris. Sadly, I didn't know the stuff that went down in season two, but if I did, I'm sure I could progress far into this competition. I looked down, then back up at the TV. Where am I? I just had a vision of the man that I could be like, one with knowledge of the past, present, _and_ future. I looked at my hands, back at Chris. I got it! Those tapes had everything that I was looking for. I looked at them again, the tapes were now glittering diamonds. Anything would be possible once I find out what happened during Total Drama Action.

I followed the rest to the Storage Room. I just needed to wait for the opportune moment.

"Remember, using the Total Drama Yum Yum Happy Go Time Candy Fish Tails, (or 'T-D-Y-Y-H-G-T-C-F-T' for short), as your product, you all have to make advertisements!" Chris announced.

"Yuck! More like ' _Cr_ _ap-_ vertisements'!" I said.

Team Epic got first dibs on whatever they wanted.

"You guys each get ten minutes to grab whatever you want." Chris said. "Team Epic, go on in!"

"Sayonara, suckers!" Trent said as he and his team entered the Prop Room.

He had changed. Like _really_ changed. Had he really threatened me back in the Pinball challenge? What happened to Gwent in this universe? I needed answers.

We stood patiently for a while. Sierra broke the silence, taking some time to interview us as we waited for the first team to come out.

"So, what do you guys think is the best gift for a girl?" She asked.

"Chocolates." Cody said, not missing a beat.

"Flowers." Said Owen.

"No way. What they like the most are weapons!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Actually, I don't think that would be a very good gift." I remarked. "If she doesn't like it, then you've just armed a very disappointed woman."

Team Epic came out with their props. I swear I saw Trent flip me off.

Harold was now dressed in samurai armor, complete with helmet, shoulder pads, and a very realistic looking scabbard complete with a sword inside.

"Samurais? Can you say 'lame'?" Heather taunted.

"The word 'samurai' is both singular _and_ plural. There is no such word as 'samurais'. You are such a _baka._ Gosh! _"_ Harold retorted.

Thanks to my unhealthy over-obsession with animè, I knew that Harold had only called Heather an idiot. The raven-hair didn't, however, and assumed much worse. Therefore, she kept her mouth shut.

"We intend to ride on The Bebop in First Class to our next location!" Harold said. His team went to the back and waited.

"Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot,you are free to enter!" The host said.

It was now our turn. The Storage Room was dark, damp, and dusty. It was just like that creepy basement at my grandpa's. The only thing missing was a menacing furnace.

Izzy practically dove into the pile of props, re-emerging with funny-looking things that were in her hands, in her mouth, tangled in her hair, and sticking out of her clothes.

We looked in and around the crates in the room for anything that we could use as props for our ad. One particular item caught Leshawna's eye.

"Oh, look, a giant spider costume! We could do a 'Monster Mash'-style ad or something!" Leshawna said.

"That's gold, Leshawna. Gold!" Bridgette said.

"Big O can be the monster! Huh? Big O, please!" Izzy said.

She was nuzzling up to Owen and making me _really_ uncomfortable. The big guy purred in delight.

"Owen, you can be our Lucky Star." Leshawna said.

"Leshawna, you're a genius!" Owen said.

"I know sugar. Besides, you _are_ the only one who's big enough for that suit." Leshawna said.

Bridgette then held up some plastic houses. "These toy buildings could be used to make a city!"

"Um… a giant radioactive monster stomping around all over Tokyo? Where have I seen that before? Oh, I know... that's just like Godzilla!" I objected.

"So?" Leshawna asked.

"It's not really original enough, now, is it?" I asked.

Seriously. _Gojira_ movies have been around way too long. There was even a 'Bambi meets Godzilla' video!

"Exactly. It's a proven recipe for success!" Leshawna said.

"Wait. I thought you were terrified of spiders back on The Island." I told her. They had been her biggest fear.

"Yeah, but this is a _costume_ of a spider. Big difference." She said.

"Aw come on, Noah. It'll be awesome!" Owen said.

"Yeah. We'll totally kick butt!" Izzy said.

All four of my team members grinned at me, attempting to coax me. I couldn't do much other than accept. Besides, I had more important matters to attend to.

"...Meh, I guess. Be careful with that suit, though." I said. "We needed to have that costume in One Piece."

"No problem." Izzy said before immediately yanking the costume out of Leshawna's hands.

We grabbed some helmets, toy buildings, and some more miscellaneous items. Then we exited the room. Team Amazon was waiting for their turn.

"Ew. That looks so hideous I think I need bleach for my eyes!" Courtney said.

"That's not what Spider-Man looks like, Owen." Cody joked.

Why was the guy still jovial around everyone else? The only one he was ignoring was me, but why? What did I do to him that was so bad? What sin? So many questions were going through my head right now.

Next, it was Team Amazon's turn to go in. After a while, all three teams were ready to go and Chris gave us each a camcorder.

He told us the final pieces of information. "Now, there are three workrooms nearby numbered 'one', 'two', and 'three'. Epic goes in 'one', Chris in 'two', and Amazon in 'three'. You'll have five hours to finish your commercial. Any questions?"

A flurry of hands went up.

"Can I have some of those sweets?" asked Owen.

"Is this a real challenge, or a prize filler?" asked Courtney.

"Are there cameras in the filming studios?" asked Harold.

"No questions? Very good! You may all begin!" Chris said.

I don't know why he bothered asking if he wasn't going to answer them.

"Your time starts… now!"

It was time to get filming. Our team went into our designated room. The workspace was actually pretty spacious.

Bridgette and I were busy with set construction. We had to patiently stack the buildings up, sometimes one on top of the other to add more realism. It was difficult at first, but we soon got the hang of it. Doing a group project reminded me of my School Days

Both of us were so focused on our work that we didn't even talk to each other. I was in the zone.

...Kind of.

Izzy and Leshawna had managed to get Owen in his suit and the big guy was anxious to get started with the advertisement.

"Owen stomp! Owen stomp good!" The big guy thundered up and down, making the buildings shake.

"Hold on there, chubby-buddy. Let us finish the tiny city first." I told him.

He took a bite of the Candy Fish Tails, then immediately spit it out. I knew then and there that if _Owen's_ stomach couldn't handle these things, then no one's could.

I heard a shouting match going on in the other room between Gwen, Courtney, and Heather. In fact, I think you'd have to be deaf to _not_ hear it.

"Wow. Heather has such a foul mouth." Owen muttered.

"Damn, Gwen, girl." Leshawna said, upset. "Now I really wish you were on my team, those two are really making you mad, huh?"

This is what happens when you put too many alpha-females on the same team. It was just utterly depressing in its entirety. I heard Cody and Sierra try to calm them down but to no avail.

"You should go help your girl, Noah." Izzy said.

But _you're_ my girl- oh wait.

"Gwen? I think she can handle herself." I said.

The argument got even louder.

"Okay. I think I better go take a look. It's okay with you guys, right?" I asked Bridgette and Leshawna.

"Oh no problem, honey. I think Heather needs a good slap or two." Leshawna said.

Awkward foreshadowing is awkward.

The yelling continued. This could get ugly very soon.

"Yeah. I'm gonna go." I said.

I left the room to see Gwen hunched over, and went over to her.

"Hey."

"Ugh. I just can't help it. I try so hard not to get involved, but they always drag me into their stupid bullcrap!" She said.

"It's okay. It's okay." I said, patting her back. Wow. Was today 'Comfort-a-girl Day' or something?

The Goth got up and hugged me. Oddly enough, we had only kissed up till now, never hugged, so it felt unusual.

"Ever since this show started, all we've done is fight 24x7." Gwen said. "We can't agree on anything! I just feel like socking them both, you know? I'm sick of all this drama!"

"Me too, but don't blame them. They're both products of Chris and his shenanigans. Direct your anger towards him." I said.

She sighed. "At least I have you."

"... Yeah."

She let go. I knew Gwen's capacity. She could've easily kicked those girls' asses, but what good would that do?

"Well… thanks for comforting me I guess." She said.

"Hey. That's what boyfriends do." I said. This wasn't teenage 'me' talking, no. This was

This wasn't teenage 'me' talking. No.

This was _adult_ me. The one who had been battered and bruised and knew the horrors that would come.

"Well, I better go. Got a challenge to do."

"Gwen, take it easy out there." I said.

"Hm. I'll try." She went back into her room and closed the door.

I was about to do the same, but then I saw that the projector had been left unattended. That's when a lightbulb went off in my head.

 _Steal those tapes, Noah._

My chance had come! I knew that what my brain was telling me was illegal, but this could be my only chance to find out about season two without blatantly asking and raising any suspicions.

I looked around. Left, then right, then left again. No one was watching. We could still do the challenge. Five hours was plenty of time.

As for the tapes, this was it. It was now or never.

Screw it. I'm going in.

Being careful not to get detected by the cameras, I slowly made my way over to the big screen. In one swipe, I grabbed the case and made my way down the stairs. I would totally be screwed if someone had seen me. I had to sneak over to the plane somehow.

My heart was pounding as I ran as fast as I could and went out of the building. Thankfully, the crowd had dispersed. The plane was waiting right there! I made my way to the vehicle. I was as good as dead if anyone spotted me here.

"Hold it right there!" I heard someone say.

Oh fish! I froze in my tracks. Damn! I was screwed now.

"Just where do you think you're going?" The person asked me.

I felt like there was a large figure looming over me. I turned around to see my addresser.

...

It was Alejandro. Phew. I let out a sigh of relief.

"Um… I left some stuff back on the plane." I lied.

"What are those in your hands, then?" He asked, pointing to the DVDs.

Holy crap! Now was too late to hide them.

Thank goodness it wasn't Chris, or I would have been in _real_ trouble for stealing corporate property.

"Uh…" Crud. What do I say? What do I say!?

"Whatever, look, the reason why I called you is- "

"Wait. Why are _you_ here, then? Sneaking around, hmm?" I asked him.

"My team decided we could use a break." He said.

"Oh."

"Let's talk business. I'm thinking of forming an alliance. Some people have already agreed to join me. You seemed like a useful addition and I want you to be a part of our Clannad too."

"You mean 'clan'."? I asked him.

"Yes, precisely. You want in?"

"...Why, though? How come? I mean, I'm not even on your team."

"Ah, but your intelligence could prove useful to us, Noah. You're the smartest person in this competition."

"You got that right."

"Teams are irrelevant, friend. With my charm and your brains, we could go all the way to the top. In fact, the combined forces of both of our teams could unite to take down those pesky Amazons. Join me, and together we shall rule this contest!" He said.

I considered it for a bit. "You make an attractive offer, señor. However, I'm sorry. I can't accept it. Though I despise Heather, and to a lesser extent, Courtney, Team Amazon also consists of Gwen and Cody as well, and I don't want either of them bowing out. Those two are my friends." I mean sure, Cody hated my guts for some reason, but I still considered him my friend.

"I see. This is why it's better to not make any friends on this show." The boy said coldly. "One cannot be betrayed when one has no people."

"Well, I rather like having friends on this show. Helps to keep me from going insane." I shot back.

"Hm, perhaps. I'll take my services elsewhere, then. With regards to the alliance, I expect you'll reconsider."

"Excuse me?"

"I don't ask for favors, amigo. I express my expectations. So, let me say it again. I _expect_ you'll reconsider."

"Right… and _I_ expect _you_ to leave me alone so I can do the challenge."

"Very well. Have it your way, Noah. Just remember that if you are not with us then by definition you are against us."

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." I deadpanned.

An alliance? Over my dead body! There was zero chance in hell I was teaming up with him. I know all the things he did the first time. A guy like that just couldn't be trusted. He could double-cross me at any moment, not to mention he was the main villain back in the original version of TDWT.

Something was odd, though. Come to think of it, I don't remember getting an alliance offer from Alejandro the first time around. Bizarre.

I went into the plane. Making sure I wasn't being followed, I opened my duffel bag and put the DVD in it. Safe and sound. This would surely come in handy later.

Something still felt... off, though. I scanned the plane, making out a dark silhouette of a toque-wearing prairie boy.

Ezekiel? No. That was impossible! He got kicked off back in Egypt. I saw it with my very own eyes. He wasn't still here, was he? Not again!

I rubbed my eyes, and the image was gone. I was panicking and my eyes were playing tricks on me. That would explain it.

I went back to the workroom hurriedly, hoping no one else would notice my absence.

On the way, I took a peek at what Team Epic was doing. Harold was playing around with his toy sword.

"Hiya!" He swung it around, accidentally hitting himself in the privates. "Ow! My Dragon Balls!" He shrieked, doubling over and clenching his nutsack.

Nearby was Chris.

"My tapes have been stolen? What the fudgebiscuit!?" He said alarmedly.

Uh oh. Oh no. The host went and told Chef something.

Chef then turned on his walkie-talkie and spoke with somebody. "Yeah, we've got a Code Geass over here. That's a Code G, over."

Crap! Not good! I whistled nonchalantly and hightailed it out of there ASAP.

I was a criminal on the run. I guess this is what Duncan feels like all the time.

I quickly entered my room hoping to avoid confrontation.

"Noah! Where the hell have you been!?" Leshawna asked.

"We can't start filming without you!" Bridgette said.

Unfortunately, all I got was one more helping of said confrontation.

Whoa. How long had I been away?

"Uh… bathroom break?" I said.

"Chris said we all have to be in the video or it gets disqualified." Bridgette said.

We all got down to business, trying to arrange the buildings and scenery in the proper manner. It was tedious work. I wiped the sweat from my brow.

"Um, guys." Owen said.

"What!?"

"I have to pee."

Not good. This meant getting Owen out of the costume and then getting him back in again.

We had no choice in the matter, though. Izzy wanted to help the big guy, so the three of us set up the background and rehearsed our lines.

At last, Owen and his redhead girlfriend came back. I think they got a little busy along the way because there was no way in hell it would take them this long. We all tried desperately to put Owen back in his suit.

"You have five minutes left to film your ad!" Chris announced from outside. "Then, it's Happy Fish Yum- what- whatever. We'll be watching them in five minutes!"

Okay, seriously, how long had I been away?

Worst possible timing ever! Damn. Time had gone by fast. We scrambled to finish our advertisement before the deadline.

"Time's up!" Chris said. "Let's see em."

The time limit had expired. Honestly, think our ad came out pretty well, considering the circumstances.

All we had left to do now was wait and watch.

* * *

Well, that was fun to write. I hope I'm not diverting from Kanon- err, _canon_ too much.

We've got one more chapter left before we're through with Japan. That's too bad. I was digging writing this more than the Egyptian chapters.

So… were you able to spot all the references, huh? Were you? Were you? :P

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team Epic –** Harold, Alejandro, Lindsay, Trent, DJ, Tyler

 **Team C.R.R.R.R.H. –** Bridgette, Noah, Izzy, Leshawna, Owen

 **Team Amazon –** Gwen, Cody, Heather, Courtney, Sierra

 ** _Eliminated –_** Duncan, Ezekiel


	11. Gagvertising 101

Well, guys, I have been pretty busy with writing over the past month, and not just the chapters set in Japan, either. Oh, no, no. Whenever I think of a good idea or action for a later chapter or challenge, I'm noting it down and saving it for later, yes I am. I have a rough outline in my mind of how this story should generally proceed (subject to minor changes). Hopefully, this will result in quicker chapters since I have already got some stuff to build upon.

* * *

I swear that in nearly every chapter of this story up to this point, some error or the other has crept through.

I seem to be a victim of Muphry's Law: "If a mistake in the text is as plain as the nose on your face, everyone can see it but you (the author). Your readers will always notice errors in a title, in headings, and in the paragraphs despite these errors going unnoticed when you read them."

I believe this has to do with me being too comfortable with the chapter, since I wrote it, and overlooking certain things. Let's hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the butt later.

* * *

 **\- Chapter xi -**

* * *

 **Destination 2 (Part Four) – Gagvertising 101**

 **Current Venue:** Human Pinball Recording Studio

 **Geographical Location:** Tokyo, Tokyo Prefecture [Japan]

* * *

Sixteen teens were huddled in front of a giant TV screen, waiting to view an ad they had shot with their respective group members, and I was one of them.

The three teams were a cauldron of teenage angst, drama, frustration, and the usual norm that would make even an emo feel right at home. The majority of us were exhausted over the amount of effort we took to create our advertisements.

DJ was very downcast. Tyler was seriously worn out, looking like he had lost a wrestling match both physically and mentally. Gwen, Courtney, and Heather were all still infuriated, casting each other eye daggers every now and then. Izzy was rather excited and Owen looked like he had to pee.

Everyone was anxious for the judging to start. Chris, meanwhile, was busy setting up the TV and soaking up all the drama while at it.

"Chip, how much longer do we have to be in Jay-pay-nen?" Lindsay asked impatiently.

"We've been here for so long, I feel like I'm turning Japanese." Trent whined.

Cody chuckled at this. The term 'turning Japanese' referred to the Asian facial features people get right before they climax when flogging the dolphin during a date with Palmela Handerson.

Japan _was_ a pretty yucky and perverse country, though. Roaming in its dark underbellies, one could find vending machines that sell little-girl underwear. It was a booming business, too. Guys in suits buying used girl panties. Gross! How is that okay? That's not okay.

Of course, they had also created 'hentai', and that's a subject that I do not wish to think about any further.

"We're done shooting, Owen. You can take the suit off." Tyler said.

Yeah. Why _was_ he still dressed like that?

"I got really sweaty and now it won't come off!" The big guy responded.

Oh. That's why.

He wasn't the only one, though. Harold still had his samurai costume on as well. I guess he had gotten attached to it.

If anything, this challenge had taught us the value of editing and camerawork, and how difficult, yet crucial those two were.

"Alright." Chris spoke. This made us all turn our attention to him, which was just the way he liked it.

"Thanks to monitoring the cameras and angles around here, I have enough footage for a drama of the ages! All the fights, heartbreaks, and crybabies!" Chris exclaimed.

Several people flinched, and considered rushing the front to beat Chris Maclean like… someone who deserves to be beaten. However, none of us had the energy, and thus let it pass, afraid to endure whatever would come forth later should we succeed.

"Now that you're done filming, it's time to see if your artwork has paid off!" Chris said. "Chef?" He instructed the ex-military officer to turn the TV on.

Chef Hatchet was clearly upset about not having professionals make his ad, grumbling as he begrudgingly turned on the television.

"First off, Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot with… 'Monster Rampage'!"

"That was the best title you could do?" I whispered to Leshawna.

"I was more worried about the actual _film_ , turkey. Maybe be more punctual next time!" She shot back.

Bridgette handed our videotape to Chris. It was time to get a look at the fruits of our labor. I gulped along with the rest of my team.

On-screen, a giant Owen monster stomped through the city, roaring about how hungry he was. Buildings fell, cars were crushed, trees were snapped, and a countless amount of Starbucks were destroyed.

"Monster noises!" Owen yelled as he caused destruction.

The other four members of Team Chris (myself included) stood in the street. Each of us uttered a line.

"Oh no! It's a giant spider monster!" Bridgette yelled.

You don't say, Sherlock?

"He's destroying the whole town!" Leshawna shouted.

Again, you don't say?

"Think of the children." I said half-sarcastically, half-seriously.

"He's so hot!" Izzy said.

Really, Izzy? Really?

"We can use _this_ to stop him!" Bridgette said, pulling out a bag of Fish Tails.

She dug her hand into the bag and took out a treat. She then tossed a snack right into Owen's mouth and the monster suddenly stopped thrashing about and crushing helpless parking meters.

"Oh, delicious!" Owen exclaimed.

The screen then showed a yellow background with the four of our heads singing about the candy with Owen dancing in the middle.

"Total Drama Yum Yum Happy Go Time!" We all sang in a glitzy tune. "Candy Fish Tails! Doh-no-no-no-no! Total Drama Yum Yum Happy Go Time! Tastes so good! Wash your face!"

Finally, a large bag of the product was superimposed on the screen.

Roll credits.

I was wondering how many brain cells it took my genius teammates to think of such a brilliant advert. Was this the best we could do?

"Wow. Not bad." Chris said. "Bravo!"

I couldn't tell if he was being genuine or sarcastic.

"Awesome!" Lindsay said, clapping.

"That was pretty decent." Harold admitted. "True to Japanese monster movies."

Everyone was about to voice their own opinions when Chris loudly cleared his throat.

"Quiet in the theater! We're screening the second one now! Next up, Team Epic with 'A Samurai's Lament'."

"It mixes Akira Kurosawa's pathos with Hayao Miyazaki's sense of wonder." Harold said, handing Chris the video of his team's commercial.

"Yeah, yeah." Chris said, taking the disc and inserting it into the movie player.

Team Epic had shot their commercial in black-and-white. The cinematography showed a dreary landscape. The music was somber and bleak. Samurai Harold was riding a horse slowly through the muddy passageway.

"Great samurai!" Lindsay said, bowing before him.

"Please! Do you have food?" Trent asked.

"We request your assistance." Alejandro begged.

"You must help us!" Tyler wailed.

DJ had forgotten his line, and Tyler was forced to say it for him. Lucky for him, it was only a repetition of two words, so the red track-suited jock didn't find it too difficult.

"The hunger. The hunger. The hunger!" The jock threw his arms up in despair.

Cut to Harold lying on his back in the middle of the road. He pulled out a piece of candy, and slowly said a few words of wisdom.

"Duty. Honor. Total Drama Yum Yum... Happy Go Time… Candy Fish Tails. Eat them fast! Time… is fleeting. Gosh!" Harold said.

End commercial.

"Awesome!" Lindsay said, clapping.

Something told me that Harold was probably in charge of this whole operation. Why would Alejandro surrender power, though?

"Yeah. That was… interesting." Chris commented.

"Cut the crap, Chris. That was horrible." Trent said.

"It was art!" Harold protested. "A metaphor! A commentary on the Earth's sorrow and it's crying out for mo-"

Chris shut the brunette boy's mouth. "Next up, the Amazons!"

At this, three girls of Team Amazon flinched, eyes widening in horror as they finally realized they had forgotten something very important. Courtney's anger, Gwen's confusion, and Heather's bemusement were all canceled as horror dawned on them. They were too busy fighting that they had forgotten to shoot!

The three spoke amongst themselves, unsure of what to do.

"Ugh. This is humiliating." Gwen said.

"What do we tell him?" Heather asked.

At last, Courtney spoke. "Chris, as _the leader_ of Team Amazon, it falls to me to tell you-"

"You're not the leader, I'm the leader!" Heather snapped, cutting her off. "I'll tell him that we didn't-"

"Just can it and let me tell him!" Courtney said.

"No, I'll do it!" Heather objected.

Gwen slapped her forehead and hunched over.

"Great. Here we go again." The Goth said.

"Shut up, Gwen!" Both Heather and Courtney shouted.

Courtney spoke. "Chris, it falls to me to tell you that our team didn't-"

"Come up with an amazing title for our awesome commercial!" Cody said, being the one that cut her off this time.

The three girls looked bewildered.

"We have a commercial?" Gwen asked, confused.

"Let's just call it 'Huh?'." Cody said. He and Sierra had managed to save the butts of the other three girls on their team.

Chris took it and popped it in for everyone to watch.

The final commercial was… well, I really don't know _what_ it was, exactly. It was such a mixture of chaos, confusion, and randomness that 'indescribable' would be the best word for it. It was such a hodgepodge mixture of different things with some flimflam intertwined. It was an overwhelming deluge of nonsense.

Sierra sang through a megaphone. "Yeah! Total Drama Yum Yum Happy Go Time Candy Fish Tails! Eat them now! Eat them fast! Eat them anytime! Just eat them! Yeah!"

"You ate it!" Cody never appeared, and only said this one line... as a seagull.

Um… what?

The ad was so haphazardly jumbled and clearly thrown together at the last minute, just like the first time around.

The final film ended, and everyone just stared for a few seconds, some with their mouths wide open in shock.

What the hell did I just watch?

"What the hell was that!?" Trent asked.

"I think I have a migraine." Heather said, clutching her head.

"Awesome!" Lindsay said, clapping.

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay..." Chris said, cringing.

Courtney huffed. "Well, something is better than nothing, I guess."

"Wait. The commercial they made only involved two people!" Alejandro protested. "Isn't that against the rules?"

"I don't recall telling you guys that _all_ the team's members have to be in it." Chris smugly replied.

Drat! Come to think of it, he _didn't_ , did he?

"So we could've shot our ad without you?" Leshawna asked me.

"... I guess so." I replied.

"Oops." Bridgette said.

"Well then, ex-campers!" Chris said, in full-blown host mode now. "I saw the movies, I liked them, and I loved the work. Although I gotta say that it's a shame we can't show you guys the footage of what went on outside of the filming. I wish you guys could see it because it was even _more_ entertaining!"

"Really? I don't." I muttered.

"Me neither." Harold seconded.

"Don't care for that." Courtney concluded.

Chris shook his finger at us.

"Tut tut! The winner needs to be announced. Unfortunately... I, Chris Maclean, as your beloved host, am not going to be deciding the winner. I'll leave it up to Chef Hatchet here! Well, Chef?"

Chef tapped his chin in thought, before finally coming to a decision. "Chris, I think I've got to go with… Team Amazon."

The four girls and one guy jumped up in delight.

"I don't know. I just _love_ exploding donuts!" Chef said.

"Woohoo! Banzai!" Cody cheered, pumping his arms in delight.

"Cody, that was amazing!" Gwen said, congratulating the guy.

"Totally amazing." Courtney said.

Cody was grinning in delight, and he also had a massive pole in his pants.

"Oh, isn't he?" Sierra asked.

She called for a group hug but then immediately told the others to back off.

"Congratulations, Team Amazon. Chef, I also have to know, who bit the biggest?"

The cook thought for a bit. A long bit.

…

…

…

…

…

...

…

...

…

…

"Is this really necessary!?" Gwen cried out.

"Shush. The audience loves dramatic pauses." Chris said.

…

…

…

…

…

...

...

...

"Um, what audience is that?" Owen asked. "Aren't we the only ones here?"

"I said 'quiet'. Quiet!"

…

…

…

…

…

...

Chris was agitated, so I decided to make him squirm more.

"This is just so you can hog the limelight again, isn't it?" I snarked.

"I said shush, and I meant shush!"

Trololololololololololo.

…

…

…

…

"Why are we all not talking again?" Lindsay asked.

"SHUT! UP!" Oh, he was clearly pissed off now. You could fry an egg off the top of his head. Mission accomplished!

…

…

At last, Chef came to a decision.

"Um… those guys, with their sad donkey thing." Chef said, pointing at Team Epic. "You lose! You're sending someone home! Tonight!"

The members of the losing Team Epic were aghast, DJ most of all.

"Great." DJ said. "I put some animals in intensive care, then I choked and wrecked our ad, and now we lose the challenge?"

Glad to know I wasn't the only one whose season had been rather crappy thus far.

"Wait. It's _not_ a reward!?" Leshawna asked, raising her eyebrow.

"Well, I'm sure enjoying it!" Chris remarked. Crud.

The results were the complete opposite of the standings after the first part of the challenge. Team Epic had gone from first place to last, Team Amazon from last to first, while Team Chris had remained in second place for both parts.

Unfortunately, I had been too preoccupied with getting the Season 2 tape to significantly affect the outcome of this challenge. At least I didn't have to deal with more madcap merchandising. It was a good thing we didn't lose our second challenge in a row, though.

"Look, teens," Chris said. "you have to remember that with… um, _how_ many people are in this competition?"

"6teen." Sierra said.

"Right. We have sixteen people, and fifteen of them need to be eliminated. Let's go, people!" Chris ordered.

"You really shouldn't do this." Lindsay whimpered.

"I should, and I can, and I will!" Chris declared. "Because _I_ bring the drama, _I_ bring the strife, and _you_ , little missy, do _not_! I will be back on top soon, and if you don't like it, you're out!

Ugh. He was being such a whiny, pouty jerk. After he left, we had a few moments of silence.

"Wow." Sierra said, breaking it. "Is it always this bad on the show? Because it didn't seem that bad when watching it."

Oh, it's bad alright. Worse than you can imagine. Now it was time for us to haul our bottoms back to the airplane.

"I should've led the challenge." Tyler was ranting to his teammates along the way. "I'm responsible! My parents bought me a Tamagotchi pet when I was seven and I _still_ have it lying around in my house somewhere."

This brought back memories. Ah, nostalgia. We were all kids of the 90s generation. The greatest generation. The last ones who were free. The ones who got to enjoy technology without getting addicted and chained down to it.

At last, the Crappy Commercial Contest was over.

We bid sayonara to Japan and boarded the Total Drama Airline. We may not have lost the second team challenge, but we still had to spend the night in dingy Economy Class. At least Chris had fixed the giant gaping hole as promised.

Some might refer to this contraption a 'plane'. Others called it a 'Jumbo Jet'. For me, it was a 'flying deathtrap'.

It was then that two reptilian creatures came out from the darkness and slithered up to us.

DJ kept his cool for about 0.00014 seconds before he lost it.

"SNAKES!" He screamed, leaping five feet in the air, hitting his head on the roof.

He ran around in circles, causing chaos. Snakes were his biggest fear. He had jumped out of his skin after seeing one the size of a penis back on The Island, and this time was no different, except there were _two_ of them.

DJ flailed about as the rest of us started to panic.

"Snakes on a plane! Snakes on the plane!" He shouted.

Like I said, 'flying deathtrap'.

People were trying to wrap their head around what was happening as the big teen frantically kicked about, knocking both the snakes out the window of the plane. He was shaking violently.

"DJ, calm down." Bridgette said, putting her arm on his back.

The big man stopped freaking out but then came to a realization.

"Oh, crap! I just sent those snakes out of a flying moving vehicle! They probably died! I'm so cursed!" The big guy wailed. He sunk down in his seat with his head in his hands.

"Not necessarily." I said, using my general knowledge to cheer him up. "Some snakes of Southeast Asia, referred to as 'Chrysopelea' have been known to actually glide through the air as they jump from tree to tree."

This brought a smile to DJ's face.

"You're right, Noah, but a fall from this height would kill pretty much _any_ snake." Harold stated matter-of-factly.

This left DJ to once again feel dejected, and his eyes were downcast.

Damn it, Harold!

"What's all the commotion?" Chris asked, coming to Economy Class.

"Chris, what the heck was that?" Leshawna asked the host. "There were two snakes in here!"

"Hm. I guess they must have snuck in somehow." Chris said. "Funny. I thought I closed the door."

I gulped. Surely they couldn't have gotten in when I visited the plane during the challenge, could they?

I looked at Alejandro, who winked at me and gave a big smile. I tried to avoid eye contact with him after that, instead opting to read a book.

It was soon dinner time, and boy, how hungry we all were! We were served a helping of miso soup and some fried fish, and some vegetable broth to go along with it.

We dug in and judging by how tasty it was, I was sure that Chef didn't prepare this food. They probably brought it from one of the restaurants in Japan. This in-flight meal rocked!

"Om nom nom. Om nom." Owen ate the tofu dinner from the soup. The bulky teen then let out a belch.

He had managed to remove the suit. Harold, on the other hand, had yet to remove his armor and get back in his normal clothes. I guess he liked cosplaying as a samurai.

Lindsay was the only one who was eyeing the food suspiciously.

"Don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan? Just eat it!" Chris said, and the blonde obeyed.

Dinner time was the only time where all the teams could sit together on the plane. We were the delicious Japanese cuisine quietly eating for a while until Cody opened his mouth to speak.

"Thanks for the Pokémon, Japan!" The tech-geek said as we left the country. "I owned over a thousand cards and even memorized the first 151 of them. Screw that Digimon crap. Pokémon was my life."

"That's a lie. Digimon is way better!" Trent argued. He had really changed from the polite, respectable gentleman in season one.

"Dude, are you kidding me!? Digimon is a piece of poop! Don't even get me started on the 'sub versus dub' argument!" Cody said.

Oh, you follow a popular show that's broadcast worldwide and has tons of merchandise relating to it? Please do tell me more about how much of a nerd you are. **[1]**

"Both of you are dumb for fighting over shows... that _aren't_ real!" Heather yelled. "Now sit down and eat your meals quietly!"

"I know, right?" Chris seconded. "Honestly, you guys are no better than those dumbasses who complain about which imaginary characters should get paired up with each other, which person is the best cartoon character, and dumb stuff like that."

I thought Harold would have a say in the argument, but the nerd was quietly slurping up his soup.

Chris instructed Team Epic to stay behind after they finished their meals so he could give them instructions on how the elimination would go down.

Team Amazon went to enjoy First Class while we went back to the hellhole that was Economy. I was sitting along with my team.

"I told you we shouldn't have done an ad with a giant spider." I said. "Now we're stuck here again!"

"Hey, we didn't lose, did we?" Leshawna said back.

"Yeah, but just because someone's idea was worse than ours doesn't necessarily make our own idea good!" I said.

"How the heck was _I_ to know that Chef likes exploding donuts? If anything, it's the Amazons that should be sending someone off now. I don't know what convoluted mess they created!"

"Guys, let's keep it civil." Bridgette said, not being the one to want a fight.

As we all continued to discuss the movie and our efforts, the jet sailed Epic was busy voting someone off as we spoke.

"Look, it's been a really long set of challenges. I've had enough drama for the day." The peacemaker said.

"Maybe you should try being more punctual next time." Leshawna told me.

I was about to reach into my arsenal of sardonic digs for a sarcastic witticism but decided to cool it. **[2].** It just wasn't worth it.

Team Epic had come back from their first Elimination Ceremony. They were all there except for a certain samurai fanatic.

"Howard committed Sudoku." Lindsay told us.

"Most unfortunate for your friend. Even in his last moments, he thought only of you, my fair Leshawna." Alejandro said to our team.

"Yep." DJ said. "He said, and I quote, 'It was I who brought dishonor to our team. Only one thing can restore the balance.' Then he stabbed himself with a toy lightsaber and jumped off the plane."

Dang. Much noble. So respect. Very samurai. Much wow.

I guess Alejandro allowed Harold to be in charge so there would be someone to shift the blame to should they lose, which they did.

However, it was the host that was the most distraught of them all.

"Three of you guys placed a vote for yourselves!" Chris raged. "Like, what the heck, people!? Three self-votes! After I specifically instructed you guys not to! Seriously!? That's not drama! That's either depression, stupidity, or both!"

"That tells you all you need to know about this show." I commented smartly.

The host left in disgust. We were left with the realization that it was the end of the last samurai.

I couldn't stand to look at the faces on Team Epic. Trent was pissed and Alejandro was always smiling somewhat wickedly. Back on my own, team, I was scared to face Leshawna's wrath after the argument we just had. Thus, I buried my head in a novel to pass the time.

After a while, I put the book down and shifted my attention to tonight's elimination.

Using clues and extrapolating from given information, I believe I could deduce the votes and come to a conclusion.

So, first off, Chris said that three people voted for themselves. Alejandro wouldn't do that. Nor would Trent. Not if he was going to 'make me pay' as he claimed.

That left four. Tyler was stupid, but not that stupid. Although his girlfriend was that stupid, so I guess Lindsay was one of the self-votes. DJ did it too. It was probably because of those snakes that he killed. Harold must have been disappointed in letting his team down. He felt that he had failed his team, thus stamping his own passport and ultimately voting himself off.

So, with Lindsay, DJ and Harold voting for themselves, it was left at the hands of three others to decide who should be sent off. They must have been pretty upset about losing. This could only mean one thing: that Trent, Alejandro, and Tyler all voted for the 'leader' of the challenge, Harold.

All of this culminated in Harold Norbert Cheever Doris McGrady V getting booted off with four votes to his name.

Superiority complex, dissonance among the group, and the need to defend one's honor. Add all this up, and it was pretty evident that Harold took the fall for his team's failure.

The others were engaged in chit-chat of some kind, but I wasn't interested.

Soon, I will put my excellent plan to action. All I have to do is wait and watch until they are all deep into their sleep…

…

…

How long was this going to take?!

Forget it. I'm going to sleep.

-X-

 _*Beep beep beep*_

The clock struck midnight. I switched my alarm off and silently thanked my mysterious benefactor known as 'Matt' for gifting me this timepiece. It was time to finally watch the tale of the tape.

I abhorred how everything centered around me.. Noah Drama World Tour.

I checked around to make sure everyone was sleeping before quietly getting up out of my seat. I went over to my duffle bag and took out the TDA DVD and the netbook. I had had so many questions regarding season two, and now, it was time for some damn answers.

This method was _so_ much better than asking people what happened. My castmates could have forgotten, or worse, lied. Tapes don't forget. In this case, tapes don't lie, either, unless they've been edited, which I was one hundred percent sure they weren't.

With one item in each hand, I got up from my seat. As it was nighttime, the darkness prevented my movements from being captured clearly, both by the cameras as well as by another person.

My palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy.

 _*BAP!*_

I accidentally dropped the case.

Oh no! Mom's spaghetti!

I frantically looked around. Luckily, everyone was so deep into their slumber that they didn't hear me. I picked up the case and proceeded to tiptoe quietly to the only place on the plane with no cameras in it: The Loser Class Bathroom.

Was I really about to sit in a bathroom stall and watch reruns of season two episodes? Yes, yes I was.

I knew that what I was doing was risky, but it was a risk I was prepared to take, especially if it would lead to me finding out more information about season two.

So far, despite knowing about the 'World Tour' challenges, I had been held back due to my lack of knowledge with regards to 'Action'. Well, that was all about to change. I knew that what I was doing was a bad, bad thing, but I had to find out the answer. I had to know the truth.

I inserted the disc into the mini-laptop, and the main menu screen for Total Drama Action came up. This was it. The moment I had been waiting for. I took a deep breath and exhaled. The only thing missing was popcorn.

"Well, here goes nothing." I said to myself.

At last, I would finally see. I prepared myself. It was time to see the truth. I was holding on to the edge of my toilet seat because I assumed that I was in for a ride. It was now time for everything to change.

I pressed 'play'.

* * *

 **[1]** R.I.P. Gene Wilder (1933 - 2016). The original Willy Wonka. This sentence looked like it would be on a Condescending Wonka meme.

 **[2]** Is this one of the coolest lines ever in this story, or what?

Haha! How was _that_ for a cliffhanger? Don't fret. There'll be even more shocking ones down the line. ;)

What's on your mind? Will your questions be answered, like questions should be? You might get some responses on the next chapter of... NOAH! DRAMA! WOOOOOOOORLD TOOOOOOOOOOOUR!

P.S. I bet YUKON't guess the next destination we're all going to visit. xD

* * *

 _ **Vote List**_

ALEJANDRO - Harold

DJ - DJ (Self)

HAROLD - Harold (Self)

LINDSAY - Lindsay (Self)

TRENT - Harold

TYLER - Harold

 _Vote Count:_ Harold (4); Lindsay (1); DJ (1)

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Staff -** Christian Maclean (Host), John Hatchet (Co-host, Pilot)

 **Team Amazon –** Gwen, Cody, Heather, Courtney, Sierra [First place, First Class]

 **Team C.R.R.R.R.H. –** Owen, Bridgette, Noah, Izzy, Leshawna [Second place, Economy Class]

 **Team Epic –** Alejandro, Lindsay, Trent, DJ, Tyler [Third place, Economy Class]

 _ **Drop Of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold (Voted off)


	12. Yukont Be Serious

This property is protected under International Copyleft Law.

It follows the 2016 WTFPL:

 **DO WHAT THE F**K YOU WANT TO PUBLIC LICENSE**

 _Version 2, December 2004-_

Everyone is permitted to copy and distribute verbatim or modified copies of this license document, and changing it is allowed as long as the name is changed.

"DO WHAT THE F**K YOU WANT TO PUBLIC LICENSE" TERMS AND CONDITIONS FOR COPYING, DISTRIBUTION, AND MODIFICATION:

0\. You just DO WHAT THE F**K YOU WANT TO.

* * *

Or, as Valve states at the beginning of their 'Meet the Class' videos for TF2, "COPYRIGHT LOLOLOL"

* * *

 **\- Chapter xii -**

* * *

 **Destination 3 (Part One) – Yukon't Be Serious!?**

 **Current Venue:** Jumbo Jet, Economy Class

 **Geographical Location:** [N/A]

* * *

I was awoken by the sound of some footsteps down the hallway. Dang it. Why did my ears have to be so sharp?

There was barely any sunlight shining through our windows. It was early morning, like _really_ early. My eyes took a while to adjust to the light. Who could be up so early in the day?

Then, a figure came into my view. A burly, muscular person wearing a blue coat.

It was Chef. Crap!

He bent down and began to unzip our bags, mumbling something about stolen videos.

My mind went back to the day before. Crud! I had stolen a video!

Chef was checking our bags for the Total Drama Action tapes! Double crap!

He was coming down the aisle, looking everywhere for the DVDs that, unbeknownst to him, were in my duffel bag. Thankfully, the darkness slowed him down considerably. For the umpteenth time in two days, my mind was racing. I need to leave. I need to leave now!

I had to go somewhere. Where, though?

...The restroom! It wasn't too far from where I was sitting. I could make it if I hurried.

Go, go, go! I kicked my body into overdrive.

Getting up quickly, I opened my bag, grabbed the tape and laptop, and went to the restroom. Locking the door, I let out a few wheezes, out of breath from my short sprint. I sure hope it was dark enough that Chef didn't see me running. Time was of the essence.

 _*Knock knock*_

Oh no! Chef was pounding on the door. Great. What do I do now?

"Open up, boy!" He said from outside.

Crap! What do I do? What do I do? I didn't put it past him to bust down this flimsy door if he really wanted to.

I had to dispose of this proof of my theft, or else I would be caught red-handed! Who knows what could happen then?

 _Chuck the gosh-darn tape, Noah!_

...It's the only evidence I have of TDA, though.

 _Chuck it!_

I had the brief idea to tie a thread to the DVD and the grills on the windows before tossing them, but I dropped it. Where was I going to get thread, anyway?

"Come on, scrawny! I ain't got all day!"

I am Jack's cold sweat.

I was cornered. There was nothing I could do. I was left with no choice but to toss the DVD out the window. Darn!

The laptop had to go as well, for electronics were not allowed on-board.

"I'm sorry, Matt." I said.

With a heavy heart, I tossed the trusty tool out the grill. Double darn!

I still had unfinished business to take care of and now there was no way to finish that business. Well, at least some lucky person was going to stumble upon a free Total Drama Action CD and a netbook.

No, wait. We were flying more than 30,000 feet above the ocean. Never mind.

"Are you gonna open this door or am I gonna have to open it for you!?"

I checked to make sure there was no discernible difference in the restroom between before I entered it and now. Then, I opened the door.

"Whatcha doing here, boy!?" Chef asked irately.

"I'm inventing the printing press! What does it look like I'm doing? Can't a guy crap in peace? Geez!" I said, equally irate.

The big cook grumbled. He eyed me suspiciously before shutting the door and letting me be.

I wiped the beads of sweat from my forehead before returning to my seat on the plane.

The people around me slept on, unaware of what had just happened. It was a miracle that no one was woken up by Chef's tirade.

It was a good thing my ears were so sharp.

The plane was soaring high across the Pacific Ocean. It was gently bobbing, like a rocking-chair, making it easy for me to doze off again.

-X-

I woke up early in the morning and my mind went back to last night. I finally began to watch Total Drama Action. The biggest surprise came when I saw myself on screen. I had replaced Justin. Haha. No Anti-Me. Buzz off, pretty boy!

I didn't know how exactly I managed to make it on the show this time, as 'Total Drama Drama Drama Drama Island' was not available to me for viewing.

Apparently, Izzy and I had broken up in between seasons, as we were both single when the second season started. I would later learn that I dumped her for being batshit crazy. We still remained friends, though. Bridgette and Geoff were still voted off first, and Gwen and Trent had a rocky relationship, just like the first time around.

The boy had once again become a member of the Cult of Nine, resulting in his breakup with Gwen. The Goth and I grew closer over the course of the show, aided by the fact that we were both members of the Screaming Gaffers.

I was halfway through episode seven, 'The Chefshank Redemption', when the laptop screen had suddenly went black.

Assuming the device to be malfunctioning, I tried all sorts of tricks to get it back on again.

It turns out the battery had run out and had to be charged. So sad.

Since there were no electrical sockets in Economy Class, and I dared not look at Chris's Quarters, I never found out what happened afterward.

That was all I could watch. Damn it. I hated when something ended on a cliffhanger!

Still, six and a half episodes of TDA (including an Aftermath) contained a lot of information within them, and I discovered a ton of stuff that I didn't know before.

It was a shame that it was cut short, though. Maybe that was all Matt wanted me to see? I dunno.

That's when the others started to get up. I had barely gotten any sleep myself thanks to the whole tape situation. This was the first time that all three teams were on equal footing. Every team now comprised five members. We were now all on an even keel.

They thought I knew, but I didn't know, and it was important to not let them know that I don't know. I don't know what I would do if they knew that I didn't know.

"Ohayou, Noah." Owen said, startling me somewhat.

"Owen, we're not in Japan anymore. You can greet me normally."

"Aw, but Al just taught me some of that stuff last night!"

"Hm. Did you eat yet?" I asked him, not wishing to linger on the subject of Alejandro any longer. I knew he loved food.

"Nope."

"Come on. Let's get some grub."

Owen sniffed around. "Mmmm. I love the smell of sushi in the morning!"

Well, boys, it's going to be ice cold sushi for breakfast. Yummy!

"Do you know how awesome it would be if just the two of us toured around the world? I bet they could make a show out of that!" Owen exclaimed.

"Yeah. Imagine that." What a ridonculous idea.

I came upon a weird sight at breakfast. I saw Gwen's fists were pounding one of the tables as she laughed nonstop at something Leshawna said. Bridgette was also giggling hard, hard enough that her face turned bright red. Leshawna was trying to tell her tale, but she herself was chuckling too hard to talk.

Witnessing this amount of intense laughter among three young ladies would come as a shock to anyone who didn't get women (aka me). I just grabbed some food and headed back with my bud Owen, who hadn't a clue what was going on either.

"I wish we had an in-flight movie or something, you know?" Owen asked me. "Flying can get so… boring, sometimes."

"Honestly, with all the weird stuff that goes on around here, I feel like I'm already living through a movie." I said.

"True." Owen said. "I mean, it's not called 'Total Drama' for no reason."

Oh, how easy it was to make the fatso agree with me. If only others were just as easy.

We went back to Economy Class, where I saw DJ sitting with his eyes down and his shoulders drooped. I gathered from his posture that he was still depressed about the supposed Curse of the Mummified Dog that he had collected back in episode one.

"Now there's a sad sack of poop if I ever saw one." I said to Owen. The blond had proceeded to munch on his sushi rolls.

The blond had already proceeded to munch on his sushi rolls.

It was a shame to see Devon Joseph like this. I really didn't want to talk about Egypt and the Pyramids, but I couldn't just let him wallow in self-pity. I went over to try to make him back to his old-self. After all, I knew he would've done the same for me.

"Dude, it was a fake pyramid! Not to mention that Egyptian curses are a bunch of bullcrap. I mean, you're talking about a tyrannical, evil ruler getting whatever he wanted erstwhile shedding the blood of others. Also, this ruler had his death treated more lavishly than the deaths of his servants!"

DJ began freaking out, so I got to the point.

"Look, the thing is, there is no such thing as curses." I said. "Now you love animals, don't you?"

"Yes! Of course, I do!"

"Then go out there, and prove you are the modern day Jane Goodall!"

DJ nodded, went to slip his sandals on, and stepped on a rat that had been resting on them. The creature squeaked and bolted, limping slightly. I winced, especially when DJ burst into tears.

"I can't even put on my flip-flops without crushing one of God's creatures!" He wailed in despair.

He then began to spit out the worst curse words he knew.

"Baloney! Phooey! Fiddle-faddle! Frooger nooger! Peas and rice!"

"Wow. Such harshness." I said.

I rubbed my left shoulder, trying to think of any comforting words to say.

"Well, do you know how many people rats have killed?" I asked him.

"How does a _rat_ kill a _human_?" DJ sobbed. "That doesn't make sense!"

"Diseases and plagues, Deej. Ever heard of the Black Death? Wiped out more than one-third of the European population over a five-year span in the mid-1300s." Not my best shot at comforting someone, I'll admit.

"Yeah, but that's a result of a virus. It's not the poor little creature's fault!" DJ said. "I gotta find the mouse hole, and give him some cheese as an apology, you know?"

"DJ, we're on a plane!"

"Then I'll leave pieces of cheese out everywhere! It'll be like First Class for him!"

Ugh!

"I swear, if idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard!" I exclaimed, slapping my forehead in frustration.

I polished off my last sushi roll and left the tray in the Dining Area.

I couldn't deal with this stupidity anymore, and decided that the Confessional would be the best place to vent. I thought back to the previous challenge so I could formulate words in my mouth.

"I swear, if idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard!" I said, looking at the camera in frustration.

I regained my cool.

"Anyway, the fans in Japan are just… man, oh man! It was nice to get the rock star treatment." I said.

"Of course, we were soon back to doing the challenge. Business as usual. You know, I still can't believe that we lost to a team that had barely anything done until the last minute. Three-fifths of the Amazon team are busy fighting for control among themselves, and that worries me." I paused.

"I mean, I couldn't care less about Heather and Courtney, but I _am_ worried about Gwen. She seems to be involving herself in these petty feuds, either voluntarily or involuntarily. I also wonder what's bugging Cody, other than Sierra. We've grown distant this season…"

I was mulling over my own thoughts.

"Oh and Harold's gone. Not like I care, since he was always insisting that he was smarter than me. Pfft. Yeah, right."

There wasn't much else to say, so I left. I had barely left the Confessional and closed the door when Lindsay came up to me.

"Oh, hi, Tyler!" She said.

"Um… I'm not Tyler."

"Of course you are. Albert said so."

"Huh? Who's-?"

Before I could react, she pulled me into a hug, and this one wasn't a friendly hug either. It seemed more than that. Did she genuinely think that I was Tyler? How dumb could she get?

"Tyler, you've finally returned!"

Making contact with the warm flesh of her boobs was eavenly. Although I had a weird feeling about this, and it wasn't just coming from my pants.

Realizing how horribly misconstrued this could look, I pushed myself away from the bimbo, which was tough because she was hugging me so tightly.

"Why don't you love me, Tyler?" She asked, making puppy dog eyes.

"I'm not Tyler, I'm _Noah_!" I replied.

"Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing!?" I turned to see the sporto in question, questioning me.

Oh crap! Where did he come from, and how much had he seen?

"Oh hey, Tyler." I said nervously.

"You stay away from my girl!" He roared.

"How are their two 'Tylers'? I thought _you_ were Edward." Lindsay said, oblivious who Tyler was.

Will the real Tyler Morris please stand up?

"He's trying to steal your girl too, dude!" Trent said.

"No I'm not."

"He took Gwen away from me, and now he's going to take Lindsay away from you if you're not careful!" Trent said.

Fudge! I was screwed if Gwen found out about this matter.

"What!? _She_ hugged _me_!" I said. "Come on Tyler, what reason could I possibly have to take your girlfriend?"

"Um… I don't know."

"She's hot, has big boobs, and is interesting to talk to." Trent said quickly.

"Yeah. That!" Said Tyler.

"Dude, I already have a girlfriend!" I said. "Or did you forget who Gwen is?"

"Don't believe him. He wants Lindsay all to himself!" Trent said.

This really pissed me off. Trent was egging Tyler on and I really wished that he would stay out of this. It looked like Tyler and I were going to come to blows over this situation when somebody stepped in.

"Now, now. Calm down amigo." Alejandro said, putting his arm on Tyler's shoulder.

Wait a minute. When did _he_ get here?

The Spaniard lead the two other teenagers away from the hallway and into Economy Class, but not before smirking at me.

Lindsay just shrugged at the whole ordeal before going to talk to Leshawna about something, so I was left alone. I wasn't sure I should return yet. Something smelt fishy over here, and it wasn't Owen's breath.

That's when Alejandro appeared again. Why does he keep popping up out of nowhere? Was he a wizard or something?

"Tyler totally hates your guts now." Alejandro said to me.

"He does?"

"Yes, and it's all thanks to me."

"Oh, so you're 'Albert'. I should've guessed, but why are you doing this?"

"Because you declined my offer, Noah. See, the last two seasons were a display of your power. Now, I give you a glimpse of the devastation that I can unleash upon you."

Last two seasons? Did I finish well in TDA, too?

"Now do you see how easily I can bend people to my will? It's so easy to make you fools do my bidding. Consider this a warning."

"Wow. Your form of 'revenge' just made a hot chick with big boobs hug me." I said, unfazed. "If that's the case, then I'm all for it. You do 'you', I guess. Thanks, amigo!"

He scowled, then cleared his throat. A sign that he was going to make some long rambling speech.

"Are you going to make a long, rambling speech now?" I asked.

"Hm. Smart mouth. That's too bad." He said, smiling wily. "We'll see if you react in the same way when you goes flying out of this plane. _I_ am the one who will win this show! May God help anyone who stands in my way. You listen up and listen up good. I know how horrible Heather was to you guys in the first two seasons. Remember all the lies she fed you and all the atrocities she committed? Well, I'll just say this: compared to me, Heather's a saint."

"Is that a threat?"

"Oh, Noah." He said. "When it's a threat... you'll know it."

I scoffed. "Wow, I'm shaking in my boots."

"Well, I respect you, Noah Carter. For at last, I, Alejandro Burromuerto, have found a worthy opponent."

"Whatever. Look, let's just both give it our all, and may the best man win." I said, extending my hand.

The Latin teen shook it.

"I plan to." He said.

Mmmm. That was a damn fine hug indeed- I mean, _shame on you_ , Alejandro for taking advantage of that poor girl's naivety!

No matter how brilliant this guy was, I had future knowledge in my favor. I didn't give a fox if he was a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. If I planned, acted and attacked him accordingly, I could send him packing in no time flat.

Of course, that was a big 'if'.

So go ahead, Al. Give it your best shot. Anything Yukon Do, I Can Do Better.

I began to walk back to Economy Class when Tyler came back and pinned me up against the wall.

"Alright. Tell me why you hugged Lindsay right now!" He demanded.

I struggled. Realizing there was no way out, I spoke to him.

"You want answers, Tyler?" I asked him

"I think I'm entitled to some."

"You want answers?"

"I want the truth!" He ordered.

"You can't handle the truth!" I said with just as much gusto.

He just stood there, shell-shocked.

"You wouldn't believe it if I told you anyway." I said.

"Fine, but don't think you can just trick my girlfriend into hugging you and get away with it."

"What the-? I'm not trying to trick your girl, dude. That was Alejandro's fault. Again, I reiterate that I have a girlfriend!"

How lucky I was to have one, too.

Tyler just narrowed his eyes, then pointed at mine.

"I'm watching you." He said, before letting me go and joining his team in Loser Class.

I knew there were at least a hundred put-downs and disparaging remarks that I could say to him right now that would make him go crying to his mommy, but I just shrugged in response.

Whatever. I was just glad that this mind-numbing conversation was over, and went to sit with my own team. Thankfully, only words were exchanged and not blows.

Things were a lot quieter around in Economy with Harold gone. Now that 'White & Nerdy' wasn't yelling random facts at us, we had actually achieved some amount of peace on this plane.

I wonder what was going on in Winner's Class right now. That area was off limits to us, so I guess I'd never know.

Back in Economy, Trent and Alejandro sat alone, lost in their own thoughts. Owen was snoozing, and Izzy was making talk with… herself!? Why am I not surprised?

Tyler was giving me the angry eyes for hugging his girlfriend. He was glaring steely, poison-tipped, serrated daggers at me, so I did the only thing possible and used my book as a wall to hide behind.

Damn it! First it was Cody, then Trent, and now Tyler. The people who were my friends back on The Island were turning hostile to me as of late. It was a good thing neither of them were on on Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot, or things would've gotten even more awkward.

DJ noticed Leshawna fiddling with some object in her hand. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be one of Harold's toys.

"Harold's nun-yo? Where'd you find that?" The unintentional animal-offender asked.

"Dang fool wanted me to have it." Leshawna replied.

Wow. A parting gift. So sweet.

"I'm really sorry he's gone." DJ said, even though he wasn't really at fault.

I mean, the dude voted himself off. He was clearly intent on leaving either way.

As we were speaking, our grand host, Darth Maclean, entered the scene.

"And… how are we doing over here?... That _is_ what I would ask if I cared."

Ha! Just as I thought. Chris expressing genuine concern for us was a long shot.

"Coming through. Make way." The man said, moving to the center.

"Where are you taking us next? Can it _please_ be somewhere where there's no pinball of _any_ kind?" Leshawna requested the host.

"Or pandas." DJ wailed.

"Or candied fishtails." I added, causing Owen to wake up.

"Hm, what? Fish tails!?" The big guy asked.

"Our next destination is everything you just asked for!" Chris said.

He then left Economy Class, leaving us wondering where we were going next.

"I wonder where we're going next." Owen said.

"We'll find out soon enough." I replied.

The plane began hopping up and down, and we all panicked.

The 'fasten seatbelt' sign turned on, so we proceeded to do just that, not wanting a repeat of the Japan incident.

"We got some nasty air-bumps!" Chef announced loudly from the cockpit. "Lock your butts to a seat! OVER!"

"You don't have to say 'over'." I heard Chris tell him.

"I like saying it. OVER!" Chef yelled again.

It reminded me of that funny skit from 'Family Guy'.

Then the plane shook even more vigorously than before.

"Ah! We're all gonna diiiiiiiiie!" Owen cried, his fear of flying tormenting him.

Some of us were crossing our fingers and praying. I grabbed my seatbelt so I could wear it, but the polyester strap just tore off.

"Perfect." I said in a deadpan voice. Not like I expected anything else.

Leave it to Chris to purchase cheap safety equipment.

The plane bobbed up and down, we were being tossed left and right inside of it. We were in for a bumpy descent. Oh mighty Invisible Pink Unicorn! Only you can save us now!

 _*CRASH! BANG! WHACK!*_

When we touched down, it wasn't so soft of a landing. The airplane slipped, slid, and screeched as we were flung every which way until finally coming to a halt. We had arrived at our next destination: The Yukon.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **The Chris Team –** Leshawna, Owen, Bridgette, Noah, Izzy

 **The Amazon Team –** Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra

 **The Epic Team –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler

 ** _Drop Of Shame –_** Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold


	13. My Main Freeze

The NFL has returned! I can go back to watching American football now. Whoop!

I swear I'm as enthusiastic about sports as Noah despises them.

* * *

I'm enjoying writing this story because I get to research the places the contestants are visiting. It helps to have some factual information in the story.

Now, for something completely different... TDWT in The Yukon, with Trent!

...

...

…

* * *

 **\- Chapter xiii -**

* * *

 **Destination 3 (Part Two) – My Main Freeze**

 **Current Venue:** Jumbo Jet, Economy Class

 **Geographical Location:** Teslin, Yukon Territory [Canada]

* * *

A few minutes after our unpleasant descent, we all managed to calm down and take deep breaths of much-needed air. We thanked the heavens that we were alive.

A line had formed at the exit door, and someone pushed me from behind when I got to the end of it. It turned out to be Owen.

The collision knocked me out of the plane and hurtling down to the snow below, and I landed on the other teens that went before me. Ow!

"I'm alive!" Owen said, jumping from the plane.

I only had time to widen my eyes in terror as he landed on my arm. Double ow!

"Welcome to The Yukon!" Chris said from the door of the plane.

"Chef, how did they get down there?" Chris asked.

"Well, the inflatable ramp that was supposed to pop out froze!" Chef Hatchet said with a chuckle. "Lucky for them, the snow cushioned their fall."

"Then we cushioned _our own_ falls!" Heather shouted up at him.

"Ack!" Courtney cried out from the giant pile of teenagers. "Who pinched my butt?"

"Ack!" Cody cried out as well. "Who pinched _my_ butt?"

One by one, we managed to get ourselves untangled, some of us helping others up.

I wiped the snow off my shirt.

"LAND!" Owen screamed in joy. He started singing in a delusional voice. "Come land with us, come land with us…"

I grasped my arm in pain. Good thing my fragile body didn't have any broken bones.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt, right? Well, guess what? WE GOT HURT! I'm looking at you, dad!

Chef Hatchet chuckled again while watching us all recover.

This time, there were no fans to welcome us. Something else did, though: The cold. It hit us like a ton of bricks.

Chilliness soon washed over all of us teens like a tidal wave. We stood there with our teeth chattering, bodies shivering and mouths whimpering. I wrapped my arms around myself, not that it helped much. Makes sense, since we were pretty darn close to Alaska.

This whole place was barren. There were no signs of life to be found around us save for a few plants that were sparsely dotted around the area.

When hell freezes over, I think this is what it would look like.

"It's so chilly." DJ shivered.

"Mmmm. Chili." Owen said.

"Where's Chris?" Courtney asked. "Can we start the stupid challenge?"

"He's not ready yet!" Chef Hatchet said. "Pretty boy had to get a coat."

I observed a bird and two of its eggs fall from a tree, all covered in slabs of ice.

"Can he hurry up? The cold causing my, uh, _manhood_ to shrink!" Cody said.

"Looks fine to me." Sierra said, grinning from ear to ear.

"Now I really wish I wore more for this contest!" Heather wailed.

That's what you get for floozy dressing.

"Consider it karma for all the crap you put us through, skank!" Leshawna said.

Heather would have retorted, but her teeth were chattering too hard.

"Karma? Is that what the Americans use for measuring the temperature?" A puzzled Lindsay asked, scratching her head. "I could never remember how that works."

Despite my triple-layer of clothing, I wasn't much better off. I was wearing a sweater vest over my shirt, which was over my undershirt, yet I was still freezing my butt off.

"I'm freezing my butt off!" I said.

Only three contestants weren't shaking. One was Owen because his excess body fat helped him regulate temperature better. Another was Izzy, because, well, she's _Izzy_. The third was Alejandro because his well-maintained body helped him adjust to the cold temperature quicker.

Just great. My main enemy is a Gary Stu. Isn't that wonderful?

Our host emerged, wearing a wooly white sweater.

"After you guys were forced to take the heat in Egypt, I figured we could cool down here." Chris said with a grin.

We all stood at the starting line, still shivering. Man, I hadn't felt this cold since we visited The Yukon the first time around.

"Um, hello! Where are _our_ jackets!?" Heather asked irately.

"Relax. I ordered coats for everyone." Chris said. We erupted in cheers.

"They won't be ready for weeks, but as soon as they arrive, I'll be sure to hand them out." Cue groans.

Talk about premature celebration.

"Maybe we should huddle for warmth?" Courtney suggested, though _she_ never hugged anyone after saying that.

Sierra immediately hugged Cody, who had planned to hug Gwen. Then Trent tried to hug Gwen, but she shoved him to the ground and kicked snow on his face.

Why did so many guys want to get with my girlfriend?

Alejandro was besieged by a couple of girls hugging him.

He was the man that almost all men wanted to be, and almost all women wanted to be _with_. I, on the other hand, was the living example that you don't have to be muscular or handsome to get a hot girlfriend.

I was going to go over to Gwen when someone held me back.

"You can cuddle _me_ , buddy!" Owen said, pulling me into a bear hug and squeezing me against his girth.

Ow! If my arm wasn't broken yet, it sure was going to be in a couple of seconds.

"Little chilly without mittens." Chris said.

"Cocoa?" Chef asked, offering him a big cup of the tasty liquid.

"Don't mind if I do." Chris said, taking a sip. That asshat.

Owen finally put me down. Meanwhile, Alejandro managed to exchange a smile with Bridgette despite the tight hugs he was receiving.

"That's just great, Chris." Gwen said.

"I'm so suing you if I die here!" Courtney said. "I'll say you stood nearby with a warm comfy sweater and did nothing while the rest of us all froze to death!"

"Hey, it's not like I really _want_ to wear this." The host said. "It's not my color, it's a bit too big for me, and it totally cramps my style!"

Not many had sympathy for Chris, who was wearing warm clothing from head to toe. The man stood with a smug little grin, sipping on his hot cocoa.

Our bodies would take some time to adjust to this cold. Hopefully, we wouldn't catch frostbite by that time.

"Aaaaah. Much better." The host said. Captivated by the scent, Owen dashed over to him.

Captivated by the scent, Owen dashed over to him.

"Are you gonna finish that?" The fat boy asked him.

"Of course, he is. It's Chris's favorite drink." Sierra said, also coming over to the host.

"Wrong!" Chris said. "Mine-"

"Second only to tomato juice." Sierra added, thoroughly freaking out Chris along with some of us.

"That's… not… on the fansite." The host said. "How'd you-?"

Sierra told him, and the host looking more and more shocked after every word.

"I went to your high school and interviewed all your teachers for the unauthorized biography I'm writing. They said-"

Chris put a hand on her mouth. "Okay, okay. Moving on!" He shoved Sierra back to the rest of us.

Alejandro watched the whole scenario and stroked his beard, muttering something to himself.

A howl echoed around The Yukon. It sounded like it was coming from the jet's Cargo Hold.

"Are those... wolves?" DJ whimpered.

"Maybe it's the spirits of the Yukon!" Izzy said excitedly. "They've come for our blood for daring to trespass upon their sacred ground."

Chris ignored her and began to speak.

"Alright. First things first, the first episode of Total Drama World Tour aired last night... to a massive audience of course! There were way more viewers for the season three premiere than for any episodes of season two! We're got a high TRP rating, a fat chunk of the viewership pie, and are killing it in the reality biz!" He said very excitedly.

Some of us cheered. Others, not so much. Why should I be happy that a ton of people watched me humiliate myself on international television?

" _However_ , there has been a storm brewing on social media regarding _one_ aspect of the show." Chris said.

Our ears perked up with this.

"It turns out that not a lot of people were happy in the manner with which Duncan left the show, and they voiced their displeasure on Twitter, Facebook, and the like. Not like you guys would know since we banned communication devices. Haha!"

"Frickin' tyrannical." Cody said.

"It's in your contract!" Chris claimed.

We all turned to Courtney to verify, as she was the only one who had scrutinized every page of the contract before signing. The brunette nodded in confirmation.

"Some viewers have even threatened to boycott the show, so I had a tete-a-tete with the producers and the higher-ups with regards to how we should respond."

"So this show's viewers might decline. How does this affect _us_ in any way?" Trent asked.

"Does this mean it's going to end?" Asked Heather.

"Does this mean Duncan's coming back?" Asked Courtney.

"Does this lipstick make me look fat?" Asked Lindsay.

"Hold on. Let me finish. Yeesh!" Chris shook his head in irritation before he resumed.

"Ms. Pertsch and Mr. McGillis believed it was best to scrap the musical part of this show. They said it made the competition too theatrical. I regret to inform you that the songs have been canceled. From now on, _there will be no more mandatory singing on the show_."

Most of us cheered at this, except for Courtney, as she had particularly enjoyed the musicals on the show.

"Darn shame, too. It was my favorite part after the eliminations." Chris said, grumbling. "Let's just hope it boosts viewership, for all our sakes."

I, for one, was pretty darndarn happy that there was no compulsory singing anymore.

"What company do you work for, anyway?" Heather asked.

"A major one." Was the host's reply.

"Now." Chris said, gesturing to a wide river behind him. "Do you guys see this wide river behind me?"

"Looks kind of narrow to me." DJ commented.

"Really? I think it's wide." Chris said.

"This is wide compared to _other_ rivers." Trent said.

" _What_ rivers? Like the Nile?" Leshawna asked. " _That_ was wider!"

"It's narrow, you guys." Owen said.

"How would your fat butt know about something narrow, you fatass?" Heather asked in a holier-than-thou manner.

"It's narrow. You can see the other side easily." I said, though _getting_ to that side would be a challenge.

"Narrow or wide, it's still a river!" Chris said, agitated. "Direct your attention to it!"

"It's narrow." Gwen remarked.

"Fitting for someone _narrow-minded_." Courtney snapped at her.

"She needs to widen her views." Tyler remarked, grinning proudly until several glares shot him down.

Leshawna rolled her eyes and said, "Look, Chris, can we get on with this?"

"Thank you, Leshawna. Yes, I can!" Chris said.

"Crossing the icy river in Canada's frozen tundra used to be easy, back when the river was frozen solid… but thanks to global warming-" Owen farted. "and _Owen_ , Earth is finally becoming a lot more interesting. By which I mean, 'deadly'!" He said, grinning wickedly.

"Aha! Yay!" Izzy cheered.

"The Earth is heating up?" Trent asked. "That's an inconvenient truth right there."

"Today's challenge is called 'Total Drama: The Icicle." Chris said. "Teams must make their way across this watery chasm by jumping from ice floe to ice floe."

"We have to get across _another_ river?" Bridgette asked.

"Yeah." Courtney said with a scoff. "Couldn't you have _widened_ the challenge frame?"

When she received a lot of glares, she blushed. "That was, like, totally unintentional!"

Chris cleared his throat to get our attention. Once he had it, he resumed stating the rules.

"First team member across must make their way to the dog sleds on the far shore and become 'the dog', pulling the sled all the way to the finish line as you grab the rest of your team along the way at marked meeting points."

"Won't that discourage people from reaching the riverbank first?" I asked.

"Yes. Yes, it will." He answered, then continued. "Sleds are first-come, first-serve, so move fast."

"Woohoo! We have to pull sleds like Balto!" Izzy said. She then got down on all fours and howled.

Some of us glanced at Owen with a 'your girlfriend is cuckoo' look on their face. Others were worried that there would be injuries due to running on ice.

"Don't worry." Chris continued. "If you fall into the water, we're legally required to save you, so we have divers downstream waiting to pull you out."

Yep. _Frozen_ divers.

Chris motioned to the end of the track past some hills.

"First team to reach the finish line over yonder wins the challenge." He said.

"You guys ready for some mad ice floe jumping!?" Tyler asked. "Cause _this guy_ is kicking it into high gear! Whoo!" You've got to admire his spirit and determination.

"What is the reward for this challenge?" Heather asked.

"Did I _say_ 'reward'?" Chris haughtily replied.

"We have already had _three_ eliminations! We're overdue!" Heather said.

Why did _she_ care? It's not like any of _her_ team members got kicked off.

"It's got to be a reward." I said though I knew full well that it wasn't. "There aren't enough of us for Chris to cut someone in every episode." _This_ was true. I had to appear as clueless as the rest, so I feigned disappointment when Chris disproved my claim.

"Yeah, but we find that teams try harder during elimination challenges. So, this year, there's no set routine. _Every_ challenge _could_ end in elimination."

Chris had dropped a massive bomb on us, and we all groaned in response.

"That's the spirit!" He said.

"It's gonna be like The Yukon Sled Grand Prix!" Tyler said. "Awesome!" He pumped his fist in the air.

"Any more questions?" The host asked us. A certain blonde raised her hand.

"Yes, Lindsay?"

"Is 'Yonder' like a little town in the Yukon?"

"You may begin." Chris said, leaving the blonde confused.

As with the Human Pinball challenge, Chris gave us some time to think about our game plan to tackle this problem. We had fifteen minutes to discuss the tactics we were going to use, and I got into the team huddle to listen in.

Leshawna spoke. "Whoever doesn't land near the sled, head straight for the finish line. That way, we won't lose time stopping at every meeting point."

The others nodded in agreement, but I wasn't convinced. Knowingly or unknowingly, Leshawna was stating Adam Smith's idea that the best result comes from everyone in the group doing what's best for themselves.

I had to refute this, so I spoke up.

"I'm sorry. I don't agree." I said. "You see, in competitive behavior, someone always loses. The best result will come where everyone in the group does what is best for themselves _and_ the group. This is the only scenario when no one loses. This is Game Theory. These are Governing Dynamics. This is the Nash Equilibrium."

"Ugh. Spare me your mathematical mumbo-jumbo and get to the point." Leshawna said.

"We should pull the sled instead of taking the 'every man for himself' approach and risk someone making a mistake." I said.

"That'll just slow us down. This is a race, in case you didn't notice. We need to be fast!"

"Who died and made you Queen!?"

"You got any better ideas, boy!?"

"Yeah. The first person should pull the sled so we can finish as a team!" I argued.

"Seriously!? Who wants to pull a damn sled filled with four other people across The Yukon!? Any volunteers?"

No one raised their hands. Not even Owen or Izzy.

"How about _you_ pull the sled then, turkey? Oh, wait. I don't think your arms have it in you!"

I was about to sock her, but I stopped myself. We needed to maintain unity. No use wasting my strength here.

"Ugh. Fine. We'll use your method." I said.

Leshawna grinned triumphantly.

"I don't want us to enter a cold spell." Leshawna said. She stopped when she noticed our glares.

"Okay. Forget I said that. Stick to the plan. Y'all better be present and accounted for at the end of all this, got it?"

"Got it." The rest of us answered in unison.

We all stacked our hands on top of each other and cheered.

"Gooooooo team!"

Ugh. I wasn't much of a team player, but if this would encourage us to do well, I was all for it.

We had all lined up at the starting line.

The viewers would be treated to some real entertainment. They would get to watch Total Drama On Ice.

 _*Ba Dum Tss*_

"On your marks! Get set! GO!" Chris announced. Chef blew his horn, and we were off.

The challenge had started, and I knew what I had to do.

We all raced to the river, but most of us stopped when we got there, unsure of how to proceed. I stopped to catch my breath.

Tyler hopped onto an ice floe, but he scrambled frantically once he got on it before being the first one to take the plunge and fall into the water. He came up, gasping for air and shaking, and tried to pull himself up.

Wow. Thanks for testing the water, bro.

Lindsay went past him, mistaking him for me. Some others went on ahead. I was unsure of how to proceed.

"Hey. Mind warming me up?" Gwen asked me.

"It'd be a pleasure." I said.

She smirked, then we shared a deep kiss. It was a shame Heather had to ruin the moment.

"Gwen! We have a challenge to win! Quit making out with your geeky boyfriend and get your head in the game!" She shouted. Damn cockblocker!

"See you at the finish line." Gwen said.

"Sure. Provided I don't get frozen to the ground here." I replied.

She grinned in reply, joined the ice floe jumping brigade, and left. It was time for me to go too.

There was just one three-hundred pound problem: Owen Peterson.

"Don't worry, Noah. I won't desert you!" The big guy said. "I promise to always be by your side."

I couldn't carry out my plan if Owen traversed with me. I needed to be alone and get him to move on ahead, but how?

Looking around, I saw Izzy cackling madly as she was crossing the river with ease.

"If nutsy can do it, we can do it. Come on!" I said to my buddy.

I ran and jumped onto the ice. I was on my feet for about a second before I slipped and fell on my face. Ouch! That faceplant hurt!

"Noah! Hang on, buddy!" He jumped onto the same floe as me.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

I was catapulted high into the air and ended up buried face-first in a mound of snow after coming down.

Ouch. This is was the most agonizing challenge yet.

I heard Trent snickering at me as he went past.

"So... uh, I'll just go on ahead, okay?" Owen asked.

"Mmm." I managed to mumble from the snow.

It was a rather painful process, but it got the job done. I was now alone.

Only for a while, though, because that was when Sierra came up to me.

"So, Noah, your popularity polls have risen drastically since season one. The fans have predicted that you'll go far this season. " She said.

"Let's hope they're right." I replied.

"What would you attribute this success to?" She asked, miming holding a microphone in front of my mouth.

Damn it. Didn't she have someone else to bother?

"I don't know. I'm smart and funny I guess." I answered. "What are you, president of my fan club?"

"As a matter of fact, I am. Now, you said you were ill-treated as a child, is this correct?"

"Well… kind of. Can we please do this later? We're in the middle of a challenge!" I said.

I contemplated knocking her into the water, but she herself panicked when she saw Cody in trouble.

"Um… can I get back to you on that?" She asked me.

"I'll be here all week." I deadpanned.

"You're hilarious." She said before dashing off to rescue Cody from a polar bear.

At last the stalker fan from hell left me in peace. I swear she's worse than Topher.

I jumped onto an ice floe, deciding to get a move on before someone else found me.

I nearly lost my balance as I jumped to the next ice floe, but regained my footing. I had to hurry, but I didn't want to fall into the water below. It looked like it was frickin' freezing down there.

At last, I found the person I was searching for. She was standing on an ice floe, but someone joined her. Alejandro.

I raced over to the floe they were on.

This guy was a manwhore, and I wasn't going to let him get anywhere near my teammate, Bridgette.

Thus, I decided to inject some inhibition on my part.

"What exactly is going on here?" I asked, eyeing Alejandro suspiciously.

The male manipulator was caught off guard but began to answer. "Oh, I was just-"

"Alejandro was just helping me with the challenge." Bridgette said.

"Yes, that." He said.

"I'll take it from here." I said. "Perhaps you should go help your own team? I hear they're struggling."

"My mother raised a gentleman. Teams are irrelevant." Alejandro replied.

Bridgette was flattered, but I remained unmoved.

"Yeah. That's great. So chivalrous. Now beat it." I said coldly. Ha! 'Coldly!'

"Yes, but what if the chica requires my... assistance?" The Spaniard said, raising an eyebrow at the blond.

"I already told you that I'll handle that." I said, looking at my teammate.

"Guys-" Bridgette began to interject.

The muscular man scoffed. " _You_? Look at those _sticks_ you call 'arms'. I doubt you'll have enough strength to take care of _yourself_ , amigo."

I fiercely glared at him, and he glared right back.

"I'll be fine. Trust me, _amigo_." I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

"It's okay. I can look after myself, Alejandro. I appreciate your help but- hey, wait a minute!" Bridgette glanced at Alejandro suspiciously.

"Are you trying to form some sort of secret alliance with me?"

The lady-killer was quick to act.

"Alliance?" He asked, wrapping an arm around the girl and pulling her close. "Oh Bridgette, for me, this is _so_ much bigger than a game."

The blonde swooned at this, her cheeks flushing a bright red.

"Don't blush, baby." The Latino said.

"Wow. Nice acting skills you got there. Surprised they haven't given you an Oscar award yet." I commented.

"Haha. Whatever are you talking about, friend?" Alejandro said, releasing the blonde.

"I'm onto you." I said, narrowing my eyes at him. "So don't play dumb with me."

"Correct me if I'm wrong here, but you somehow already have _your own_ girlfriend to tend to, yes?" He asked with venom.

"Correct _me_ if _I'm_ wrong here, but you somehow already have _your own_ team to tend to, yes?" I retorted.

"It's okay. Thanks, but Noah and I can handle it." Bridgette told the Spaniard.

I smirked cockily at him and blew a raspberry.

The Latin teen sighed in defeat. "Very well. Take care, my friends. I will be on my way now."

"Be careful." Bridgette told him.

"Don't worry about me. I can't freeze. My Latin blood won't allow it." The Mexican said flirtatiously. "Plus, if you get sick and your team votes you off, I won't get to know you better, which would make me very, very sad."

"Okay. You've made your point." I said.

He bounded off as I grinned a victory grin. It was nice to wipe that dumb smirk off his stupid face.

Bridgette turned to me. "What was _that_ all about?"

"What?" I shrugged.

"He was just trying to help. Why'd you have to push him away like that."

To my horror, I realized that stopping to protect Bridgette might have left some of my other team members wide open to an Alejandro assault.

"I'll tell you later. We can't waste time. Now let's go!" I said, proceeding to walk quickly.

Bad idea. I slipped on the ice and fell flat on my back. Ow!

"Ow!"

Bridgette giggled, offering me a hand and pulling me up.

"So… now that you're alone, there's something I have to tell you." Bridgette said.

"About what?" I asked.

The surfer was hesitant at first but then divulged the information.

"Well… I've been meaning to talk to you about this. Apparently, Cody's pissed off at you since you ignored him ever since season two ended." Bridgette said.

"Oh no." Say _what_ now? Why did I ignore him?

"Yeah. I heard it from Leshawna, who heard it from Gwen, who heard it from Sierra, that Cody says you've become some sort of 'pompous, arrogant, douchebag.' Those were his words, not mine by the way."

"Holy crap!" I exclaimed.

What horrible things did I do to my former best friend to warrant being called such names?

"He said that you didn't even return his phone calls or respond to his messages in between seasons. He tried to contact you multiple times, but you just brushed him away."

Oh. Those horrible things. Totally justified of Cody to ignore me, then.

"Look, I know winning Total Drama Action may have gotten to you, but please don't do this to Cody. He's really a good guy. This isn't like you, Noah."

"Yeah, I- Wait!... I won TDA?"

"Um… yeah!" Bridgette said as if she were stating the obvious.

"Well, that explains a lot." I muttered silently.

Bridgette looked at me as if I had grown a second head.

"You don't remember? Are you thinking straight? It's this chilly temperature, isn't it? Are you sure you're alright, Noah? I'm worried about you."

"No, no. I'm fine." I said.

"You sure? You've been acting weird ever since the season started."

"It's just the stress of the competition. Gets to us all. I'm fine."

"Well, okay. If you say so."

Did I hear that right? I had won Total Drama Action!? ME!?

"Bridgette?"

"Yes."

"Thanks."

"Um… okay. For _what_?"

"Everything."

"Okay... you're acting weird again. Let's just keep going, alright?"

"Okay." I said, trying to hide my excitement. Halle-frickin'-lujah!

* * *

Thus begins Sierra's slow descent into madness.

So Noah won TDA. Put your hand up if you saw it coming. Now lower it because I know you're lying. :L

Now, it's Noah's first attempt at stopping his nemesis. You'll find out how it goes in the next chapter.

Okay, let's take some time to talk about the previous elimination, which I forgot to do in the last chapter. I want to give you guys the reasoning behind every elimination so you have a clearer understanding of how I plan to take this story forward.

So… Harold. Harold was an annoying character, albeit rather fun to write. Though his elimination was in the same place as canon, he was on a different team and the first to go on that team. I think it was justified since the nerd nearly got them all killed. Sorry, Harold fans! I like him too, but he just didn't fit the story's plot.

* * *

To be widened. I mean, 'continued!'

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **The Chris Team –** Leshawna, Owen, Izzy, Noah and Bridgette

 **The Amazon Team –** Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra

 **The Epic Team –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler

 _ **Drop Of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold

* * *

 **NEXT UP:** The three teams race across the icy landscape to the finish, either by sled or on foot, and Noah must warn his group members about one contestant's cruel intentions before it is too late...


	14. Snowjob

**Milestone Achievement Unlocked:** 100 Reviews!

Thank you all so much. You're the fuel to my FanFiction fire. Hopefully, the quality of this story will make you come back for more! :)

* * *

Happy OCTO- _B_ _RR_ , everybody! Here's a chapter to warm you up, but first...

Go join the Total Drama Writer's Forum right here on FanFiction for updates regarding when upcoming chapters are coming out, and also to hang out with a bunch of awesome Total Drama-loving writers such as yourself. :)

PurpleBandit's Warning - The reason why I decided to end the music and songs for this fic is that musicals don't translate well into text. It's like writing a songfic, which I'm not very good at. Also, I don't think that it would be fun to read. There might be some stuff later (no promises). Anyway, I had to come up with a logical reason to discontinue the songs, and I hope the one that I gave was believable enough.

No more songs. Boohoo. Go cry me a river. Speaking of 'rivers',...

* * *

 **\- Chapter xiv -**

* * *

 **Destination 3 (Part Three) – Snowjob**

 **Current Venue:** The Yukon River

 **Geographical Location:** Teslin, Yukon Territory [Canada]

* * *

"We're on the broken part of an ice shelf in the icy cold frozen Yukon River." Bridgette said, stomping her foot in frustration. "Crap! This is so inhumane. I hate Chris!"

"Meh. Could be worse." I said, shrugging it off.

"Oh, _really_? How?"

"You could be stuck here all alone without a genius like me to talk to." I said, causing her to giggle.

"Don't flatter yourself." Bridgette said.

I remembered what the blonde surfer said earlier. Had I really won 'Action'?

I was just a lazy, sarcastic, cynical bookworm. Winning a game show wasn't the thing that people like me do, and yet I had gone and done it. Take that, bullies! I knew it would be worth it when I was rich, and _you_ scumbags are just alcoholic dumbasses that can't hold jobs even if your miserable lives depended on it.

"My parents told me to do anything I wanted, so I won Total Drama Action!" I exclaimed.

"That, you did!" Bridgette said. "Great job, but let's focus on _this_ season now, okay?"

My enjoyment and jubilation were cut short once I realized that we were doing a challenge.

"Yeah. Let's."

"We probably would've been done by now if Alejandro had helped us." Bridgette muttered.

"What!? No way! I'm not risking someone from another team helping us. We'll be fine on our own." I assured her. "Besides, no one's _that_ generous without some sort of ulterior motive in mind."

Bridgette eyed me. "Do you know what your problem is, Noah? You don't trust anyone!"

"That may be true, but _your_ problem is that you trust _everyone_!" I countered.

"Not everyone has some hidden meaning behind every action that they do!"

"Ah, but this guy does. Seriously, babe. He's studied up on all the tapes of the past two seasons. He knows pretty much everything there is to know about us, while we barely know diddly-squat about him. That makes him a dangerous competitor, and a serious threat. Ever thought about that?"

"Ignoring the fact that you just called me 'babe', don't you think you're being just a little paranoid here?"

"Oh, um… sorry about that." I apologized. "I'm not panicking, though. 'Paranoid' is what people who are trying to take advantage of you call you to get you to drop your guard!"

"Yeah. You're totally freaking out."

"I'm not freaking out, I'm frickin'… in!"

"Huh? Okay. You need to chill."

"Believe me when I say I can't get any more chill than this."

"Right. I think we should go. We don't want to fall behind the other teams, now do we?" Bridgette asked rhetorically.

"No. No, we do not." I replied. " Let's go."

I didn't give a rat's ass what others said. I was from the future. I knew Alejandro was evil. Nothing he says or does can change that.

I raced to another block but fell down after I got to it. Ow! I hate this challenge!

"Maybe you should slow down a little." Bridgette said, hopping to the block I was on.

"Damn. The others make it look so easy." I said, rubbing my head in pain.

She jumped on to the next one. I followed suit. Just before I fell over the side, a hand grabbed my wrist. It was Bridgette's.

I managed to steady myself and took a deep breath in relief.

"I think we should do this together." Bridgette said.

"Agreed."

We both held hands as we jumped to the next part of the fragmented ice sheet. I nearly slipped off and into the water, but Bridgette caught me just in time.

"Thanks." I said. "I hate how all of these challenges are so dangerous. Can't we just sit down and train our brains for once instead of our bodies?"

"I wish. The audience back home wouldn't like that, though."

"I just hate how the networks are making a killing off of our shortcomings."

"That's the price we have to pay in exchange for being on TV." Bridgette said.

"Yeah. I guess."

Some of the challenges this season allowed unimpeded access to the members of opposing teams, which wasn't possible on The Island. This fact is what made someone like Alejandro a person to watch out for. I was hoping to save his next intended target, Bridgette.

We had almost reached the end. However, the closer we got to the snowy shore, the further away the ice floes were from each other.

We came upon a particular ice floe which was quite a distance away from the one we were on. We had no other choice, though, as the rest were even further.

Crap.. I gotta jump this!? I wasn't exactly the most athletically gifted person on the planet, as many people know.

"Are you sure about this?" Bridgette asked anxiously.

"Well, what choice do we have?"

It was now or never. I took some steps back to the other edge of the ice floe.

"Let's do this." I said.

I broke into a sprint, got close to the edge, pushed my foot off, and sprung.

Unfortunately, I had mistimed my jump.

I landed on the other ice block I was aiming for, but not completely. My feet went into the water.

"Cold. Cold. Very cold!"

I quickly tried to scramble up, struggling as it was difficult to grip the ice. I finally managed to exert enough force to push myself onto the block.

My socks were now dripping in ice-cold water. Crud. If there was one thing I hated, it was wet socks. Now I have to walk in these crummy socks for the rest of the challenge. Ugh!

"Are you okay?" Bridgette asked me. She wore a terrified look on her face, fearing the worst.

"Never better." I said, grimacing a bit.

The force of my jump had pushed the ice block even farther away. I had unintentionally widened the gap. It was simple physics.

Bridgette gulped as she eyed the distance between the ice floe she was on and the one I was on.

"It's too far!" She yelled.

"Oh, come on, Bridgette! You're an athlete! You can do it. Just jump. Hurry!" I said, trying to encourage her.

Hopefully, she would be able to make it.

"I don't know about this!"

"I'll catch you!"

Bridgette closed her eyes and got a running start before she took a literal leap of faith.

She was coming right at me. I braced for impact. Uh oh.

 _*WHAM!*_

We both cried out as she slammed me to the ground. My body throbbed in pain from the impact.

I slowly opened my eyes and saw Bridgette lying on top of me. Her lips were mere millimeters from mine. My hand was on her waist and the other one was one her butt.

It didn't take me long to figure out how compromising this could look, and I tried to get out from under her.

Damn. Hot blondes are all over me all of a sudden!

"Uh… thank you for catching me." Bridgette said, her cheeks flushing a bright shade of red.

"Oh, crud. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry." I said, not wanting to get slapped for accidental ass-grabbing.

Needless to say, I was super embarrassed. I would be lucky if Geoff didn't come over to The Yukon right now just to kick my butt.

Bridgette got up, brushing some ice off of herself.

"Sorry? It's a good thing you caught me and broke my fall." Bridgette said. "Thanks again for that."

"Yeah. By the way, the molestation was an accident." I said. "I didn't mean to-"

"Oh, _that_. Let's forget that ever happened."

"...Agreed."

"Please keep in mind that we're doing a challenge." Bridgette said.

"Oh. Right."

Ice floes were of mainly three types. There's drift ice, ice jams, and ice streams. Ice streams are fast moving blocks of ice, like small glaciers. They are carried around by the fast moving current around them. Boy, was I glad _I_ wasn't on that wild ride.

Then, there were ice jams or dams. This occurs when liquid water builds up behind a blockage of ice. A huge chunk of ice stops any water from flowing and creates a sort of bridge across.

We were on drift ice, which was stationary pieces of ice of varying size. They were just floating on the water, waiting to be jumped upon.

I was trying to explain all this to Bridgette as we resumed our ice-hopping adventure on our merry way. She already knew some of the things I said. Then again, she was an environmentalist, so it shouldn't come as much of a surprise to me.

After a short eternity, we had reached the end.

I jumped onto the last ice floe.

"Noah, you're on really thin ice right now." Bridgette said.

"Yeah. I know. A bunch of people detest me and stuff. I really need to sit down and think about how to make them like me again."

"Not that. You're _literally_ on thin ice."

I heard a crack beneath my feet, and before I could say "ice", the floe gave way and I fell into the frigid water.

I huffed and puffed as I surfaced at the other side of the river. I gripped the frozen land and pulled myself up, gasping for air and shivering hard.

"Oh, dear." Bridgette said, coming up to me.

I laid my burden down by the riverside. "I ain't gonna study war no more." I said.

I stood up, shook the water from my head (which I bet would cause orgasms to ripple across female viewers everywhere), and glanced back at the river one last time.

Surveying the snowy landscape, I realized there were no other contestants nearby. Uh oh! This could only mean one thing: We were lagging behind.

"What happened to the other sleds?" Bridgette asked me.

I looked around and saw that there was only snow in the place the sleds were supposed to be. Peering into the horizon, I sighed as I realized everyone was out of sight.

Stammering in surprise, I looked down both sides of the river, and the lack of people down by the riverside (studying war or not) was astounding.

"They're gone! The people _and_ the sleds!" I exclaimed. "CrudCrud! We're way behind the other teams. Like _way_ behind. We need to go. We need to go now!"

I scrambled to my feet and blitzed forward, dragging Bridgette behind me. I ignored the squishiness of my socks, and the chilly air that nipped at my skin as I ran.

It was going to be a long walk to the Finish Line.

"Chris, if you can hear me, I have a message for you." I said, panting. "Screw you! Screw Total Drama! Screw this contest! I am sick of all your shit!"

If I was with the whole TD crowd, I probably wouldn't have said half the things that I was saying right now, but I was with my friend Bridgette, so I didn't mind. It would've been awkward if we walked all the way in utter silence, anyway.

We were both taking deep breaths as we zipped through the snow.

"We have to follow the tracks!" I said, wheezing.

Bridgette was worried about catching a cold. I just hoped I wouldn't die of hypothermia.

When we couldn't run any longer, we slowed down to a jog.

As we stopped to catch our breath, I decided to strike up some small talk to make the time go by.

"So… how long have you been surfing?" I asked Bridgette.

"Since before I could walk."

"Wow. You must have won your fair share of medals."

"Yeah, but I got out of the competitive scene once it started getting so cutthroat. It was just too much stress for something that was a hobby, you know?"

"Yeah, I know how you feel. Got a bunch of accolades in chess but it was just more and more grueling the higher up I went. Too much work."

"Ah. I see."

An athletic outdoor person was getting along with a cynical energetically-challenged introvert. Imagine that.

"After I joined this show, my friends kept encouraging me, as did my mom. They all think I could be some big star, but I don't think so." Bridgette said to me. "Still, this contest has been good to me overall. I've found some great new friends, even if it's been bad at times."

"You _are_ a star!" I said.

"Maybe, but not as big as you are. I mean, you won Total Drama Action! I can't imagine winning a season of Total Drama!" Bridgette said.

"Really? You win a lot of seasons on FanFiction." I said.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"So, what did you do with all that money, anyway?"

I was rather put off by this question.

"Uh… You know, I bought a lot of… stuff." I said, scratching my head nervously. "Though I invested most of it in a bank."

I had quickly thought on my feet. Thank you, 9th grade Improv teacher.

"Oh. I probably would've done the same." Bridgette said.

I finally understood it. Sierra being so excited to see me, Alejandro wanting to ally with me, and now threatening me. It all made sense now.

The good news was I won TDA. The bad news was a friendship had been broken as a result.

I sighed. "Cody hates my guts now. We used to be such good friends."

She put her hand on my shoulder. "It's okay. You're a good guy, Noah. You're just too hard on yourself sometimes."

"Yeah. Poor Cody, though. I bet you think I'm a real a-hole right about now."

"You're not an a-hole, Noah." Bridgette said. "You're just trying so hard to be."

"Wow. I wish I had your cheery attitude."

"Hey, look at it like this, if you can fix the problem, why to worry about it?"

"What if I can't fix the problem."

"Once again, why to worry about it?" Bridgette asked. "This isn't a problem that can't be fixed. I'm sure you two will be good friends again once this all blows over."

"I sure hope so." I said.

"I was in the top two hundred players of 'Starcraft 2' before he got pulled onto the show, though I seriously doubt that will help now." I said after a while.

She chuckled. "Yeah. I doubt it will, too."

"I wanted to apply all the skills from fantasyland survival video games to the real world, though I now realize how difficult that is. Getting out here has made me realize how wonderful the world can be sometimes. I'm glad I didn't stay cooped up in my house all day like I used to."

"Oh. That's cool. I joined this show to spread the message of cosmic love and body surfing."

"You've succeeded!" I said as we high-fived.

We both shivered in the ever-decreasing Yukon climate.

"I hope we don't get pneumonia from being out in the cold for too long." I said.

"Are we risking brain freeze by being out here?"

"No. That only happens if you eat cold stuff." I said. "Like _really_ cold. It usually happens with ice cream."

"Oh. I did not know that." The girl said, genuinely interested.

I decided to flaunt some more of my knowledge now.

"The ancient people of The Yukon found that clothes got clean when they washed them at a certain point in the river. Do you know why?"

"Um… no."

"Because human sacrifices were once made on the hills above this river." I said. "Bodies burnt, and water seeped through the wooden ashes to create lye. Lye was the crucial ingredient. The lye combined with the melted fat of the bodies, till a thick white soapy discharge crept into the river."

"Wow. You don't mean to tell me that-?"

"Yup. These natives were cleaning their clothes with their own fat."

"Whoa. That's… creepy."

"Yeah." I said, wishing to state something less unusual "Fun Fact: The Yukon River is the longest river in both Alaska _and_ The Yukon. It is the second longest river in Canada. It was one of the principal means of transportation during the 1896–1903 Klondike Gold Rush."

"Oh. That's good to know."

"Stop me if I start to sound like Harold." I said.

"No, no. It's cool." Bridgette said.

I had been walking for so long in the cold snow that my feet had grown numb. Goddamn you, Jack Frost!

"Well, even if I'm stranded out here, at least I'm near someone who's received training in medical assistance." I said.

"Oh. I'll help, but don't expect me to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation on you!" Bridgette said, flushing a little.

"Yeah..." Great. Now I can't stop thinking about Bridgette giving me CPR. Shifting topics now.

"I'm glad they disallowed the singing criteria for this contest." I said. "Producers must have been high on pot when they added that rule in. Good to see that they finally came to their senses."

"Really? I quite liked singing." Bridgette said. "I feel it made this competition more jovial."

"Oh, please. This is ' _Total Drama_ ', not ' _Canadian Idol_ '." Was my rebuttal.

"True. I guess it _did_ distract us a bit."

"Exactly. Now we can compete without having the fact that we have to spontaneously sing on the back of our mind."

I was frozen and chilled, with the thick cold air wrapping around me like a blanket.

"Now I know what a TV dinner feels like." I quipped, earning a giggle from the blonde.

We walked for a bit longer before I broke the silence.

"So, you're a vegetarian right?"

"Yep. Trying to convert to veganism eventually."

"Wow. I admire your dedication. I could never fully convert. Bacon's tough to give up."

She giggled. "Well, when you're a tree-hugging hippy like me, you let go of that stuff easily."

That giggle. It was infectious. We walked a bit longer.

At last, we came upon a checkpoint. A shiny metal pole was protruding from the snowy Earth. It had a red flag on top.

"It's a meeting point." I said.

"Yeah, but it's of no use to us. We have to keep walking, remember?" Bridgette said.

"Oh. yeah. Brilliant plan, Leshawna!" I said.

"Ugh. Just looking at this pole brings back painful memories." Bridgette said.

"Really?"

"Licked one of these suckers once." She admitted, chuckling slightly. "Was stuck to a pole. You should have seen me trying to pull my tongue off."

"Why the hell did you lick it, then?"

"It was a dare from my friends. They wanted to see if I would kiss it. At least I got five bucks."

As Bridgette giggled and subconsciously rubbed the tip of her tongue from painful memories, I chuckled and tried very hard not to think of her kissing a pole. It made my mind wander.

 _You dirty, dirty man._

"That's a myth, though. You won't get stuck forever. Either your body heat or the outside heat would eventually thaw it off." I said.

"Yeah. Still, it was an interesting experiment."

Then, in the spur of the moment, I blurted something out. "You know, I bet Alejandro was going to trick you into thinking he likes you, and then make you fall for him, and then make you want to kiss him, and then move away at the last second, and then leave you looking like an idiot with your tongue stuck to a pole, and then we'll lose the challenge and vote you off as a result!" I said rather quickly.

"WHAT!? He was going to make me kiss your pole?"

"No! Though I do wish a girl would kiss my pole... Wait! That came out wrong!"

Crap. I probably shouldn't have said that. Bridgette placed her arms on my shoulders and shook me vigorously.

"What. Are. You. Talking about?"

"Uh… nevermind. So, do you think we'll be having a fourth elimination in a row?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"I hope not." She said, sighing. "I don't want any of my friends to go home, and I want to visit more places too. I can learn more about them. Surely you know what I'm talking about."

"Oh, totally. I hate the challenges, but the tourism's nice." I said. "Also, statistically speaking, this challenge should be a reward."

"Really?"

"Yeah, unless the producers want a 17-episode season or something." I said. "Then again, with Chris, you never know."

"Oh." Her head dropped.

I knew I was wrong. I just wanted to play dumb with the rest of them. I just had to go into this season with the assumption that every challenge was an elimination one. Nobody would care as long as we were winning the challenges, and this challenge was as good as any to cultivate a habit of winning.

"Yeah, so let's just make sure we don't lose." I said.

Unfortunately, the biting winds whipped around me, a chill went through my body, and my legs refused to take another step.

"Oh, no. No no no no no. Not good. Not good at all." I said.

"What's wrong?"

"It's… hard to move. Impossible, really."

"Quit playing around, Noah. This is a challenge. I know you're not the most physically fit person out there."

"No, it's not that. It's so cold I can't feel anything."

At that point, I did something that I had never thought of doing before this season.

I gave up.

I folded like a cheap suit, falling to the ground, numb all over. My body wouldn't let me carry on. I was physically incapable of moving, no matter how mentally I wanted to. I couldn't even make a snow angel!

"I can't feel my legs... Bridgette. I can't feel my legs... I can't feel my legs…" I flopped around on the ground.

"That's it? You're giving up?" She asked.

She was more athletic than I was. My body just wasn't built for this sort of thing.

"Well, I can't exactly move. It seems I'm destined to die here. Oh, why must the good die young!?" I exclaimed in agony. "Mom, if you're watching this, you can have my computer, even if you can't use it!"

Bridgette started panicking. "Chris won't leave someone to die, right?" The blonde asked.

"..."

"...Forget I asked that."

"I wouldn't put it past him to pull a stunt like that." I said. "A death on the show would increase ratings tenfold."

"Well, it's not going to be you!"

"It probably is." I said.

"Last will and testament of Noah Carter." I dictated what I wrote onto the snow.

"Cut it out!" Bridgette said, erasing my hard work.

"I'm sorry, Bridge. You'll just have to go on without me." I said.

"What are you doing!? No way! I'm not going to leave you to just die here like Chris!" She pleaded.

"I'll be fine. You can't lose the challenge because of me. Go!"

"Sorry, but I'm not letting you freeze to death. I can't leave you here all alone. You'll die!"

"Well, In the Tibetan philosophy, Sylvia Plath sense of the word, we're all 'dying'." I said.

"Enough of the wise talk, oh wise one. Move it!"

"I can't! I already told you, my body's too cold. Unless you can find a way to regulate it-"

The blonde then pressed herself against my body in an attempt to do just that.

"I did this for a friend who was shivering just as badly after they had a wipeout surfing at night." She said. "You need to bring up your body temperature, or this could get serious!"

I was in a precarious predicament, and loving every minute of it. This brought a smile to my face.

"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" I asked the blonde.

"Just warming you up. Don't get any ideas, mister." Bridgette teased.

Still, it was nice feeling Bridgette hugging herself so tightly against me.

"Are you okay now?"

"No. Not yet." I said, warmth passing through my body.

"I'm cold too." Bridgette said. "I took my shirt off so the only thing underneath this jacket is my bra and panties."

"What?" My face was probably beet-red right now.

"Well, Egypt was burning and Japan was too compact. Taking my shirt off made me feel loose. Is that a problem?"

"Nope. No problem, whatsoever." I was no doubt smiling a goofy grin that went from ear to ear.

Let's just say my body temperature wasn't the only thing that went up.

I honestly wouldn't care if I died right this instant. I felt like my life was complete.

 _Now, now, Noah. She has a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend, so let's not get too excited._

True. Sorry, couldn't help it.

My body temperature eventually spiked up and got back to the normal 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit like it should be.

Then, Bridgette let go of me and ruined everything. Right when I was getting rather comfortable, too.

"I'm good to go!" I said, standing at attention. I raced off and felt something hit my back.

"Snowball fight!" Bridgette announced.

I was immediately pelted by a barrage of snowballs.

"It's a good thing none of it's yellow." I said, causing her to giggle.

Using this as a distraction, I ran away. Once I was far enough, I scooped up some snow, made some frozen mush of my own and hurled them at Bridgette.

"Aw. No fair!" Said the blonde as I struck her in the face.

We were having so much fun laughing and playing as we frolicked in the snow. I felt like a little kid again.

"There's the finish line!" Bridgette said.

I wiped the snow off my face, and indeed, there it was. We had finally reached the end of this long and treacherous quest.

There were quite a lot of people that had already reached it. Of course, Chris and Chef were there. I looked to see all of our teammates, Owen, Leshawna, and Izzy, waiting for us.

I scanned the area to see who had gotten there before us. My heart sunk as a realization dawned on me. Bridgette and I were the last ones to arrive.

We had lost the challenge.

* * *

This is only the second story of mine to surpass fifty-thousand words (TDR was the first), and we're only done with Chapter 14. Can you believe it!?

* * *

Yay! A not-so-happy ending to a quite fun-filled chapter. Just the way I like it.

It's time for someone from Team Chris to take the Drop of Shame! Or is it? What'll happen next?

I love leaving you guys with cliffhangers, yes I do!

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **The Epic Team –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler [Finished 1st / 2nd]

 **The Chris Team –** Leshawna, Owen, Izzy, Noah, Bridgette [Finished 3rd]

 **The Amazon Team –** Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [Finished 1st / 2nd]

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold


	15. Chillin Like A Villain

I hope you enjoyed some of the Nidgette (NxB) in the previous chapter. It's one of my favorite crack pairings of all, along with Gwoah (NxG) and Nawn (NxD). Nothing beats Nizzy (NxI), though! :D

Oh, and NoCo sucks! I absolutely abhor it, and you should, too. Say "no" to NoCo!

Now time for your October surprise!

* * *

 **\- Chapter xv -**

* * *

 **Destination 3 (Part Four) – Chillin' Like a Villain**

 **Current Venue:** The Finish Line

 **Geographical Location:** Teslin, Yukon Territory [Canada]

* * *

I looked at the rest of the competitors again. I counted, recounted, and re-recounted.

Had Bridgette and I actually been the final two people to cross? Had we really lost the challenge?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! There's no way this could be right. This _cannot_ be happening right now!

...Could it?

As we gathered at the end point with the rest of the teens, I saw Alejandro smirking at me.

Leshawna was the first to speak.

"I hope you two had fun back there, cause thanks to _you_ guys, we lost the dang challenge!" She said.

Bridgette hung her head in shame. I hugged the grieving girl, and this caught the attention of one 'Trent Smith'.

"Holy crap!" Trent exclaimed. "He wants Bridgette, too! Beware of this smug jerkface, guys! He's gonna take her just like he stole Gwen from me!"

Bridgette and I separated at this.

"Um… he didn't 'steal' anyone, Trent." Gwen said, adding finger-quotes to the word 'steal'.

"Yeah, he did." Trent said. "Noah is completely, 100 percent, totally, irrefutably, the reason why you broke up with me!"

"No. I broke up with you because you got obsessed with the number nine!" Gwen said, exasperated.

"But… 'nine' is awesome. It's the best number ever!" Trent said.

"Trent, you have no chill." Izzy said. "You belong with Gwen, Noah boa!"

"Um… why are you green?" I asked her.

"Because someone stole our team's radio. Duh." She answered matter-of-factly.

"The pairing of Gwen and Noah, or 'Gwoah', is indeed, one of the popular pairings due to the similar personalities of you both." Sierra said.

"See?" Izzy said.

"Yeah, but a lot of people ship you with Katie, Noah. 'Notie', they call it." Sierra said, gushing. "I think it's kind of cute."

"What? _Katie_!? I can't stand her. All she and her BFF do is yap all the time." I said.

"They don't only pair you up with girls, you know? Some fans even think that you're-"

"Ahem!" Chris exclaimed. "That's enough of creepy pairing mix and match with Noah."

He redirecting our attention, and that of the cameras, to himself, which was just how he liked it. I noticed that the host was still wearing the white coat that he had worn at the beginning of this challenge as he continued.

No matter how much undying hatred I carried for Chris Maclean, at that moment, he was a wonderful man in my eyes.

"Even though Team Chris Is Really Really Really Crazy Hot was the first ones here, they crossed the finish line without Bridgette and Noah, so they come in last." Chris announced.

Ugh. Tell me something I don't know.

"Which means Team Epic is in second place, and Team Amazon takes first!" Chris exclaimed.

Heather grinned diabolically. "It's a good thing you were the puller, Courtney. You made a great _female dog_ , or should I say, b-?"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence!" The brunette CIT screamed at her. "I mean, _whipping_ , with a _whip_? Seriously?"

"What else are you gonna whip with?" Heather asked, shrugging.

"Oh, when the time comes you're so gonna get it!" Courtney said.

"Whatever. We won the challenge thanks to my whipping skills. That's just another reason to make me the leader." Heather said. "I'm sure Gwen agrees with me. Right, Gwen?" The she-devil asked slyly.

"Ugh! Can you leave me out of this!?" My girlfriend shouted at her from right next to me.

Were my eardrums bleeding?

Ugh. I really couldn't stand the prima donna behaviors of some of these people.

"Wait a minute." DJ said. "You're telling me that our team didn't lose even though I cried, froze my eyes shut, hit a baby seal, and sent my team hurtling off an ice bridge?"

"Nope. I guess not." Chris said.

"It's all thanks to me and my super special fingers!" Tyler said proudly. "They made you guys stop screaming and kept you from getting screwed. I hope they'll come in handy for rougher things down the road."

"Oh, the number of hidden innuendos in those sentences." I said, smirking.

"I wouldn't be snarking if I were you, string-bean." Leshawna said.

"It's a good thing my Egyptian mummy curse hasn't spread to my teammates yet." Said DJ.

"You're not cursed!" Cody, Bridgette and I exclaimed at the same time.

I couldn't fathom how we kept losing to a dysfunctional Amazon team. They had won their third challenge in a row. This was total and utter domination.

Despite my best efforts to do otherwise, I and my team had still lost the challenge and were staring elimination in the face.

I hate when that happens.

"We finished in the last position!" Leshawna groaned, throwing her arms up in anguish. "I can't believe I did all that work for nothing!"

"What work?" Owen asked, making me wonder what was going on.

"Actually... you guys would have lost the challenge anyway." Chris said.

Okay. Now I was _really_ wondering what was going on. We all waited for an elaboration. Thankfully, we received one.

"I specifically remember telling you that, quote-unquote, 'The first team member across must make their way to the dog sleds on the far shore and become 'the dog', pulling the sled all the way to the finish line as you grab the rest of your team along the way at marked meeting points'." Chris said. "I believe those were my exact words."

"Damn. You have a good memory." Courtney said.

"Of course he does. He's Chris Maclean. Only the best host ever! Hello!" Sierra said.

"Meh. It's all scripted." Chris said.

"So… what's your point?" Leshawna said.

"Well, Leshawna, _Izzy_ was the first one to cross, but after she picked you up and got to Owen, you let him pull the sled to the finish." Chris said.

Whoa now! When did _this_ happen?

"But, I wasn't going to let Izzy pull me! That would've taken forever." Owen said.

"That may be so, but rules are rules. So, even if Noah and Bridgette had joined you guys, it would've been a loss anti-non-un-dis-irregardless of the situation."

"Okay. I'm not even going to try to comprehend what that last word means." Cody said.

"Wow, Noah. That must be really embarrassing." Trent said. "But I wouldn't worry about it... because I didn't do it!"

I would have told him to shut up, but I was still trying to comprehend what exactly had happened.

"Good thing we didn't freeze to death like those people in ' _Titanic'_." Tyler said. "What a disaster that was. Poor Jack. May his soul rest in peace."

"Um, Tyler, you do know that the Titanic was an actual ship that actually sunk, right?" Gwen asked.

"No way! You're blowing my mind!"

I noticed that Owen looked distressed.

"What's the matter Big O?" Izzy asked him.

"The stress of the competition's getting to him." Leshawna said. " Only the strong-willed can survive. Hang in there, boy."

"No. I think he's just hungry." I said.

"I haven't eaten in hours!" Owen exclaimed. "Oh, I wish we were in Russia right now. They're building the world's largest cake."

"Ohohoh, what flavor?" Izzy asked.

"Who cares? It's cake!" Owen said, throwing his arms up in the air.

True that. All cake is good cake.

Unless, of course, the cake is a lie.

"Russia?" Cody asked.

His voice then shifted to a much deeper, gruffer tone. "I am Heavy Weapons Guy, and _this_ is my weapon." He said as he mimicked holding and firing a Gatling gun. "She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar custom tool cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute!"

As we awkwardly stared at the awkward teen doing awkward things, sharp, biting winds swept through The Yukon, and we all started shivering.

"C-c-can w-we g-go n-now?" Gwen asked.

Chris, being the jerk he is, had to comment on this. "Now that's one cool chick with a frosty 'tude. Chillin' by the-"

"Just open the plane door already!" Courtney said.

"Alright, alright. Sheesh! As is customary airline procedure, Team Amazon gets to enter first."

"I'm trudging." Gwen said, heading to the plane. "I didn't know people actually trudged."

I hate you, Old Man Winter.

"Are you sure the wheels haven't already frozen to the ground?" Courtney asked him.

"Are you kidding me? This baby's super expensive!" Chris said. "It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fly this plane... for twelve seconds."

"Nice!" Cody said.

"For some reason, I seriously doubt that." I said.

Heather took her own sweet time entering the Total Drama Jumbo Jet. I could've sworn that she did it on purpose.

"Oh! Thank goodness the two of you are all right!" He said, feigning grief. "When I heard what had happened, I felt horrible."

"Yeah, I'll bet you did." I grumbled.

"Noah! Be nice." Bridgette scolded. "He's just offering us an apology even though he didn't do anything wrong."

"Oh, but I'm afraid I have." Alejandro continued. "I left the two of you without making sure you were okay. I must admit that I am deeply ashamed of myself. Why I ought to be disqualified from the contest for such an atrocious act!"

"Yes. Yes, you should." I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

"No, no!" Bridgette assured him, elbowing me. "Really. It's okay. You didn't know. Besides, you had already done so much for me that I couldn't have asked for more."

Alejandro smiled. "My lady, you are too good to me." He said. "I am truly appreciative of how willing you are to forgive such a heinous act. Truly, you are too good to me."

I made a gagging motion with my hands, complete with sound effects! Unfortunately, it went unnoticed by the blonde.

"Um...well...heh heh," Bridgette nervously chuckled.

Her face turned bright red.

"You know...you've been good to me too, so I thought I'd just...you know...return the favor." She stammered.

"Well, Noah?" She asked, turning back to me.

"I accept your apology." I said as deadpan as possible.

Great. All of my hard work had been undone.

"I am most grateful that you two are so forgiving." Alejandro said. "I am not worthy."

This only served to make Bridgette even more flustered.

"Hey!" Chris shouted at us. "What are you guys still doing here? Get your butts on the plane!"

Once we had all gotten on, the plane took off. Darn shame, too, for my body had just begun to adjust to the temperature.

What am I saying? I was super-glad to be out of that frozen piece of hell. I would rather observe a documentary of The Yukon on TV from a seat on my nice, warm sofa, thank you.

We had left the icy cold Yukon behind and were off to greener (and warmer) pastures.

"Aw. I'll miss The Yuck-on!" Lindsay said, waving the place goodbye. "Bye, Yuck-on!"

I sat with my team in Economy Class. Owen looked rather distressed.

"You should have hurried your butt!" Leshawna said to me.

Frankly, I had had enough of being yelled at. I wasn't going to take any more of this.

"Well, you only have yourself to blame, master-planner!" I shot back. "We were going to lose anyway."

"Still doesn't excuse you for taking so long." Leshawna grumbled. "What were you doing anyway? Gwen and Bridgette are two of my best friends. You better not be playing around, you hear?"

"What?" I asked. "I wasn't-"

"Perhaps it's time you take your two-timing turkey butt back where it came from." Leshawna said.

I just stood in frustration and defeat as Leshawna, Owen, and Izzy exited stage left and went to the Drop of Shame Room. The latter two carried worried looks on their faces.

Bridgette came up to me.

"Ugh. This is all my fault." The surfer said. "I should've just kept going without stopping to talk to Alejandro."

"No. We should've been faster." I said. "I'm just upset that the person responsible for our loss is getting off scot-free."

"Will the losing team please report for elimination?" Chris asked over the PA system. "It's time for you guys to pick your favorite loser and send them home!"

Yay. Just in time, too!

Bridgette placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Come on." She said. "It's time to go."

She went to the Elimination Room, and I was going to follow her in when someone grabbed me and pulled me back.

It was Alejandro.

"You shouldn't have tried to stop me." He gloated. "I'm going to win this, and I won't hesitate to take down anyone who stands in my way."

"Oh, come on. Why her?" I asked, with venom in my voice. "What did she ever do to you?"

He just let out a snicker.

"It's so easy to manipulate nice people like Bridgette." He said, his face carrying a sneer of contempt. "After all, they cannot see what you're planning when you're pretending to be an innocent bystander when the fact is you're controlling the whole game. Sorry, Noah, but I'm making sure your little lady-friend will go, and you won't even know how I did it."

With those words, I headed to the Elimination Chamber. I really wanted to ignore the words he had spewed out, but in my heart, no matter how much I hated to admit it, I knew he was right.

"At last. We're all here. Welcome to The Thunderdome!" Chris rumbled. "You all know the rules, so let's get to it."

The host called us up one by one in alphabetical order to vote, starting with Bridgette, of course.

"Bridgette!"

Our previous Elimination Ceremony wasn't as anxiety-inducing as this one. Ezekiel was the sole reason for our loss, and none of us really interacted with him that much. I didn't hesitate to vote him off.

"Izzy!"

The circumstances for this challenge were different, though. There wasn't just one person that the blame fell on for losing this challenge. Owen screwed up when he decided to pull the sled, but he was just being a good teammate.

"Leshawna!"

However, Leshawna took it upon herself to be the leader and she failed in the execution of her plan. Simple as that. Why couldn't anyone else see that? It was like she had scraped through the mess unscathed.

"Noah!"

I had the feeling that one of my dear friends was going to be dropping off the face of this plane in a few minutes, and I hated being forced into this situation.

I sighed at the camera in the Voting Booth.

"If only there was someone I wouldn't feel guilty about voting off." I said, shaking my head. "We need more Heathers. Honestly, I blame Leshawna for this loss. Why can't my team just listen to me for once?"

I continued. "Anyway, I've got a surefire feeling that either I or Bridgette will be leaving tonight. That leaves me with no choice but to vote for Bridgette, and hope things go my way. I'm super sorry, Bridgette."

After opening the blonde girl's passport and stamping it, I proceeded to walk out of the booth. I should've voted for Leshawna, but I didn't think it would make much of a difference.

I loathed every second of this, and I loathed having to vote for one of my friends so early in the game. Curse you, Alejandro the Latino!

After Owen's vote, we all sat on the bleachers and eagerly awaited the results. Chris emerged and began to tally the votes. Once that crucial part was done, he began to speak.

"Team Me, I have peanut-filled barf bags for the four of you who get to stay." Chris proclaimed.

He threw three in rapid succession.

"Owen, Izzy, and Leshawna!" The host said, tossing the safety symbols to respective members.

However, they all fell a few feet short.

"Dang, Chris. You throw like a girl." Leshawna said, glancing at the three bags on the ground.

"No, I don't!" Chris quickly said. "It's just... this cold climate. I can barely feel my arms."

"Nope. You totally throw like a girl." Izzy said, picking up her barf bag.

I didn't understand the reasoning behind this. Didn't females understand that they were only putting _themselves_ down when they teased guys with such claims?

Chris ignored the remarks. He now held in his hand the final barf bag and tossed it up and down as he talked.

"So... it's down to Noah and Bridgette." Chris said, his eyes shifting between the two of us.

Crap.

"Oh, Noah. Once again, your sharp tongue put you into quite some trouble." He said. "Tsk, tsk."

"What does _that_ have to do with anything?" I asked.

"Case in point." Chris said. "You're an annoying, cynical, selfish person that will do whatever it takes to win, even if it means trampling upon your own teammates. I think today's episode proved that."

I was appalled at this.

"Well, that's not biased at all!" I exclaimed. "In fact, I think today's episode proved exactly why that's not the case!"

I mean, I braved the frigid tundra and went through a whole bunch of crap that I could have easily avoided. What more do you want me to do?

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Chris said, waving his hands in a dismissive manner.

"Bridgette, reasons for you to take the plunge include: fooling around with Noah,... actually, that's it. Tomfoolery."

I have to say, going by our personalities, I wasn't feeling too good about my chances right then and there.

I had helped Bridgette stave off certain elimination due to Alejandro, but would I pay the ultimate sacrifice and get kicked off myself?

No way. Owen and Izzy were two of my closest friends on this show. They wouldn't do that to me.

Right?

This is it. Moment of truth.

At that point, Chef came up to the podium for some reason.

"What's he doing here?" Bridgette asked us in a hushed tone.

"Great. As if there wasn't enough stuff going on already." Leshawna whispered to us.

"If we're both here, who's flying the plane?" Chris asked the cook.

"I have it covered." Chef Hatchet coolly answered.

"...Inflatable pilot?"

"Inflatable pilot."

"Nice!" Chris said as they exchanged a high-five.

"Besides, I couldn't miss all this drama." Chef said.

"Well, you're just in time." Chris said before turning to Bridgette and me.

"If you two didn't have such a horrible sense of direction, you might have actually won this challenge. Let's just say we got some spicy footage of the both of you." Chris said, rubbing his hands together with glee.

"Oh. We'll check some of that out later." Chef pervertedly said, creeping us all out.

Chris spoke the six words of fatality. "The final barf bag goes to…"

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…

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"Noah!"

Chris pelted a peanut bag straight at my face, and it stung a little.

"Oops. Guess I got my strength back." Chris said as I grumbled.

"Bridgette," The host said, turning to the now-eliminated blonde. "Any final words before taking the Drop of Shame?"

What stung even more was that Bridgette was about to go home.

"What!?" Leshawna asked, getting up out of her seat. "You guys voted Bridgette off?"

"Yeah. I mean, Noah's one of my best friends." Owen said.

"I like Bridgette, but I could never vote for my Noah boa!" Izzy said.

Bridgette's face transformed from one of disbelief into one of acceptance. Even though I was safe, I felt gutted.

I empathized with her. I mean, I'm not a robot. I can feel sympathy for my fellow humans.

Sometimes.

Occasionally.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this." I told her. "I mean, you saved my frickin' life. I felt so bad voting for you. I would have rather frozen to death. There was just no other way."

"No. It's cool." Bridgette said. "I voted for myself anyway."

"You _what_!?" The other four of us asked, alarmed.

"Yeah. I couldn't bring myself to vote for any of you guys, and I _am_ partially to blame for our loss." The surfer said.

"Seriously. You guys need to stop voting for yourselves." Chris muttered.

Wow. Unfortunately, this girl would have to suffer for her selflessness. Fate, thou art a cruel mistress.

Bridgette's revelation only made me feel like more of a jerk. I hung my head low, feeling partially responsible for her ouster.

I handed my bag of peanuts to Owen, who was more than happy to much on them.

"I'll miss you, sugar." Leshawna told Bridgette. "We all will."

"Hey, maybe we'll meet on The Aftermath Show!" Izzy said. "It's too bad you aren't hosting that anymore, though."

What? Why wasn't she hosting it anymore? Who was?

"You get to be interviewed by Josh and Blaineley!" Izzy said.

Well, there was my answer.

"I want Josh to interview me." Owen said, gushing. "Or maybe Justin. They're both so hot…"

The fat boy began to drool but stopped once he noticed the weird looks we were sending his way.

"Okay…" Chris said, bringing an end to the awkward silence.

"Bridgette, with four votes against you, it's Drop of Shame time, baby!" The host exclaimed.

The surfer blonde looked down defeatedly before walking over to the exit door, and Chris handed her a parachute.

"...is what I would have said if this was _actually_ an elimination challenge!" He announced.

This caught all of us, Chef included, by surprise. We were all taken aback as Chris slammed the exit shut and threw the parachute back into the pile.

"WHAT!? You mean you were just playing us?" Leshawna growled.

"Yup! I just _had_ to squeeze my money's worth of drama out of you guys!" Chris said. "Besides, as Noah noted earlier, there aren't enough contestants for every episode to end in elimination. This challenge was reward only, so consider yourselves lucky."

We were totally caught off guard. Everyone on Team Chris cheered. Then, Owen, Izzy, and Leshawna circled around Bridgette and welcomed her back with a group hug. I was pulled in too.

Damn! We sure lucked out big time.

"However," Chris continued. "There _is_ a price to pay. A 'penalty', if you will."

We stopped cheering at this and broke out of our group hug. I awaited the dreaded 'penalty' that Chris was going to inflict upon us.

"Since you guys decided that you no longer want Bridgette on your team, I'm shifting her." Chris said.

"Shifting?" Owen asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yep." Chris said. "From now on, Bridgette will be competing on the team that won today's challenge… Team Amazon!"

Damn it. I knew this was too good to be true. Season 3 was too early for team switches.

"Surely, you can't be serious!" Bridgette exclaimed.

"I _am_ serious... and don't call me 'Shirley'." Chris said. "You are now officially a member of Team Amazon. Go join your new team in First Class. Congrats. You're their problem now!"

Before Bridgette had any time to respond, Chef grabbed her by the hood and carried her out of the Elimination Chamber, presumably to First Class. The rest of us could only look on in shock.

A team switch? No frickin' way. This had to be some sort of strange glitch in the matrix or something.

"Well, at least she's got Gwen and Courtney to keep her company." Leshawna said. "That witch Heather better not try anything on her, though, or else."

She raised her fist in a threatening manner and repeatedly pounded it against her open palm.

Crap. I had lost a possible ally and one that could have helped me bring down Alejandro.

Nah, who was I kidding? Bridgette was busy swooning and drooling over him.

She was falling for his charms. Now, the blonde was on another team, and that meant she was an easier target. This sucked big time. What do I do now!?

Chris turned to address us.

"Do I know drama or _what_?" Chris rhetorically asked. He grinned proudly at himself.

"In fact, that would make a good tagline for this show." Chris said. "Total Drama World Tour; _We Know Drama_."

"Then 'TNT' would sue your white boy butt off." Leshawna said.

"Ha! I'd like to see them try!" Chris said.

Damn it. Bridgette flipped to the Amazons. I knew there had to be a catch. I thought for sure that this challenge was going to end in an elimination. It turns out that things weren't as set in stone as I thought they were, and this was a serious blow to my knowledge.

There were no more certainties. I had no choice but to go into every challenge with the assumption that it will end in elimination.

Our metrosexual host, Chris Maclean, got back to the matter at hand.

"Well, Team I Am Really Really Super Smokin' Hot, You're now down to four members now. That makes you guys the weakest team here. Don't expect to be so fortunate next time you lose." Chris said. "It's time for you guys to go eat your dinner and get some sleep. You're going to need it!"

We walked out to Economy Class. The members of the second-placed Team Epic were already sitting there, and Tyler was talking to his girlfriend.

"It's a good thing my wicked strong fingers saved everyone's lives in today's challenge, right Lindsay?" The jock asked.

"Oh, totally, Noah!" Lindsay answered.

She caught me off guard and causing the sporto to feel dejected.

At this, Chris began the sign-off.

"How will the team dynamics change now that Bridgette's been shifted?" The host asked, looking at the camera. "What crazy challenges have I cooked up for the remaining contestants? Will Noah ever make Lindsay remember him?"

"It's 'TYLER'!" Tyler shouted.

"Find out next time on Total! Drama! Wooooooorld Tooooooour!" Chris announced before heading into his Private Quarters on the plane.

I didn't give a flying feather as to what was on the menu for dinner tonight. This whole challenge had sickened me. Literally. I had actually caught influenza.

"Achoo!" I sneezed.

"Bless you." Izzy said.

"Thanks, Iz."

A headache that I received in Egypt had been replaced by a cold. Just great. With my appetite lost, I decided to retire for the night, drained from a day full of failure.

I heard the whirring of the drones outside. It was how they captured the external shots of the plane while we were flying.

It was now time to catch some Zs and prepare for whatever abomination Chris planned to unleash upon us in the next location.

Looking at the big picture, we still had a long way to go. Things had not gone well for me so far, and it was time for some damage control. As far as this season was concerned, this was just the tip of the iceberg.

* * *

So it was a reward challenge. LOL! I sure got you guys there, didn't I?

Still, I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, anti-non-un-dis-irregardlessly.

In a lot of these TDWT rewrite fics, The Yukon turns out to be a reward challenge, and so it is in this one. It's almost as if Episode 4 was intended to be a reward challenge, after all. However, this one had a twist that I decided to throw in at almost the last minute, and I'm glad I did, but I'll expand more on that later.

I just think that there simply isn't much fun to be had in keeping things the same. Now we'll have to see what Bridgette accomplishes on Team Amazon in the next challenge, won't we?

Speaking of the next location, it's time for our cast to visit... The Statue of Lindsay- err, _Liberty_!

Lindsay totally deserves a statue, though.

* * *

 ** _Vote List_**

BRIDGETTE - Bridgette (Self)

IZZY - Bridgette

LESHAWNA - Noah

NOAH - Bridgette

OWEN - Bridgette

 _Vote Count:_ Bridgette (4); Noah (1). [Rendered Invalid]

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **The Amazon Team –** Bridgette (Transferred), Cody, Gwen, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [First Place, First Class]

 **The Epic Team –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler [Second Place, Economy Class]

 **The Chris Team –** Leshawna, Izzy, Owen, Noah [Third Place, Economy Class]

 ** _Drop of Shame –_** Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold


	16. A Whole New York

It's election time, my American readers! Get on out there and vote, vote, vote!

* * *

Well, there were a lot of theories regarding who would be sent home in the previous chapter. Props to a guest reviewer, Andrew, for correctly guessing that it would be a non-elimination challenge. More on this at the end of the chapter. On with the next location!

* * *

This alternate-universe chapter of Total Drama contains scenes of extreme stunts performed by _IM-A-GI-NA-RY_ teens. Do not try any of what you read here at home. Seriously, you could get really messed up!

* * *

 **\- Chapter xvi -**

* * *

 **Destination 4 (Part One) – A Whole New York**

 **Current Venue:** Jumbo Jet, Economy Class

 **Geographical Location:** [N/A]

* * *

What is the definition of insanity? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results. Insanity... is doing the exact same frickin' thing over and over again expecting things to change. That. Is. Crazy. The first time somebody told me that, I thought they were BSing me, so, I ignored him.

The thing is, they were right. That's when I started seeing, everywhere I looked, everywhere I looked, all these people, doing the exact same damn thing, over and over and over again thinking _'This time is gonna be different'._ No, no, no. Please, I'd prefer not to be insane.

What does it all mean? It means I needed to change the status quo. I have to increase the spontaneity. My situation demanded a change in habits. So far, things were going pretty close to the way they had gone the first time around, and that wasn't acceptable. If I couldn't adapt, I would eventually get tossed out of the plane like all those who came before me.

Thoughts like these were floating in my head as I slept on the Jumbo Jet.

We had been on the losing end of two of the past three team challenges and barely managed to avoid defeat in the other. There was no denying that we were a disjointed team. However, I believe we're greater than the sum of our parts. Our loss in those challenges was a fluke. When we get together as one, we can truly come out on top.

I was sure that Bridgette's transfer won't bug Cody too much. For him, it meant that another hot girl was on his team.

Cody Emmett Jameson Anderson.

Cody wasn't friends with me anymore, but all was not lost. My conversation with Bridgette back on The Yukon gave me some ideas about how to get it back and regain his trust.

It was ad nauseam. Everything that had happened up until now was like deja vu all over again.

This ends _now_! I was going to clean up my act. It was time for a paradigm shift. Time to flip the script. Time to mess up the space-time continuum!

I was about to get up and put my master plan into action, when I realized that I couldn't budge because a great weight was pressed against me.

"Guys, I think there's something wrong with this seat." I tried to say, but it came out as a bunch of unintelligible jargon.

That was when I realized the 'great weight' in question was Owen. The big guy had fallen asleep on me. Now I couldn't move a muscle.

FML.

Oh, great. Just great. I guess since I fell asleep on his lap during the bus ride to the airport, he felt like he should return the favor!

After a couple minutes of straining, I understood the futility of my actions and decided there was nothing I could do but stay put until the big oaf woke up.

The worst part about it was he was mumbling gibberish in his sleep.

"Come on now, baby. My little filet." Owen sleep-talked. "My little filet mignon with a little fat around the edges. I like that. I like a little fat on my steak. My sweet, juicy steak. You are a rare delicacy."

Yeah. This wasn't awkward at all.

"Owen, I need air!" I tried to say, hoping someone would hear me. It was to no avail.

For a long time, I couldn't budge. Being crushed to death by Owen was not how I imagined I would go.

"Owen, I can't breathe!" I said.

I heard Izzy mumble something about how adorable Owen was.

"Owen! Air!"

I don't know how long I had been lying there, squished between Owen and our so-called 'seat', suffocating for air, when the man finally stirred.

"Finally!" I said, getting up and gasping for air.

 _Owen, with friends like you, who needs enemies?_

I saw that Team Epic was sitting on the bench opposite mine, and both Alejandro and Trent were smirking at my plight.

I turned to my own teammates.

"Thanks for not noticing I was missing all night!" I ranted. "What am I, _'Tyler_ '?"

"Hey!" Tyler said, spitting his food onto Alejandro's face in the process.

What a sight that was to behold. The jock was already on my case, though, so my snarky comment did little to help.

Making friends. Every time I talk, just making friends.

I swear, one day, I'm gonna grab that little jerk Alejandro by the scruff of the neck and scream. _"Al, you liar! You big tourist, I need this! Now, get out!"_

My stomach growled, and I realized that I had made a mistake by skipping dinner last night. I was starving. So, I did what most people do when they get hungry and went to get something to eat.

Canadian bacon was being served. Yummy! I eagerly stockpiled those tasty meat strips onto my tray. I was about to put some on my tray when I heard some murmurs coming from Chris's Quarters. Who else could it be but Chris himself?

"AWOL!? What do you mean he's disappeared?" The host yelled.

There was a pause.

"Okay. Scan all open sources. Phones, computers, PDAs, whatever. If someone Tweets about this guy, I want to know about it."

Another pause. Since I couldn't here anyone answer, it meant Chris was communicating with his phone. The host spoke again.

"Your _best_? What do you think we're in, the frickin' haberdashery business?" He asked. "I want this guy found and I want him found _now_!"

The man was clearly upset about something. Whatever this matter was, it seemed pretty important. Oh, if only I could find out what exactly it was, I'd be overjoyed.

The door opened, and out walked the host in a grumpy mood. He noticed me watching him.

"Ah, Noah. Snooping as usual, I see."

I wasted no time.

"To whom were you talking back there?" I asked him, raising an eyebrow.

Chris quickly tried to put his happy face on. "Um… It was Jake from State Farm."

He was clearly uncomfortable, and I liked putting him on the spot.

"Right. You really expect me to believe that?" I asked him.

He was irritated. "No. I _expect_ you to keep your nose out of other people's affairs, Mister Noah Carter."

"Right. Perhaps I'll just tell everyone about the little discussion you were having."

"Hey. Don't act smart with me, young man!" Chris said.

Before he could continue, his phone rang again and Chris went to answer it.

Meh. It was worth a shot. What was I going to blackmail him with? Go up to the others and say "Hey, guys, I heard Chris talking with the producers about something."?

Yeah. _That's_ sure to illicit a response. Nobody cared about that kind of crap unless they were Courtney or Heather.

As Chris left to go attend to more business and my thoughts were interrupted when I heard my stomach growl again.

I went to sit in Economy Class with the rest of my team. Thankfully, Leshawna didn't start anything this time.

As I voraciously devoured the dead pig meat, Chris entered Economy Class. He looked around the room, his face lighting up when he saw me.

"Noah, just the man I wanted to see."

"What do you want?" I asked him.

I was expecting another lecture, but what I received instructions instead.

"Have you made your mandatory confessional yet?" He asked.

"My what?"

"Mandatory confessional."

"Don't tell me you're still doing those."

"I am. It's your turn now, so go."

Something was up. I always made a confession after every challenge up until now. I even kept tabs on how many times I visited the Confession Cam, specifically to avoid this 'mandatory confession' scenario. It wasn't like there was a shortage or anything. Chris did this with a reason in mind.

That reason became clear to me once I entered the Airplane Bathroom, for I saw a piece of paper with 'State your true feelings towards Bridgette'

My stomach sank.

I took in a deep breath and resisted the urge to find Chris and punch him in the face. Well, I got no way out. Might as well spill it.

"Okay, for the record, I'm only talking about this because there's a paper here telling me to talk about it."

"When I first entered The Island, Bridgette was the girl I laid eyes on. She was nice, pretty, caring, and smart." I said.

In fact, when I had the incident with Cody, I was actually dreaming about kissing Bridgette. I had hugged her to dispel the gay rumors, but also because a part of me still liked her.

Whoa. Man, am I glad I didn't say that part aloud.

"Anyway, we got split into different teams and barely interacted until the merge happened. By that time, I had already made new friends and she was already with Geoff. Now I'm with Gwen. We're just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. That's enough about her and me."

I was beginning to get frustrated so I left the confessional.

I opened the door and bumped into someone. Right there, waiting for me, was Gwen.

"Hey."

"Oh. Didn't see you there."

Pick a worse time to meet, why don't you?

"Please tell me you didn't overhear me in the Confessional."

" _Overhear_ you? Ha! Who am I, Heather?"

"Good."

"Wow. Looks like Noah has some deep, dark secrets he's been keeping from everyone. How mysterious." Gwen said.

"Hey… look, I want to dispel all these rumors about Bridgette and me." I said. "I mean, she's with Geoff and-"

"No, she isn't." Gwen said.

"Well, thanks for not accusing me of anything and- wait. _What_!?"

"They broke up back in season two. It was during the Aftermath, remember?"

"They did?"

"Hello?" Gwen asked, waving her hands in front of my face. "Earth to Noah! Do you not recall Geoff turning into a power-hungry jerk?"

Let me just take a moment to process this.

"I mean, _yeah_! They did!" I exclaimed. "Such a sad breakup it was."

"Come on. I don't even give a crap about all the couples on this show and even _I_ knew that!" Gwen exclaimed. "Did you get amnesia in between seasons or something?"

Crap. She was getting suspicious.

"No. It just, uh,... slipped my mind. You know, what with everything going on around here."

"Right..." Gwen said sarcastically.

Think fast, Noah, or you're in deep sludge.

"I'm sorry, do you hear this?"

"Hear what?"

"You're not hearing all that noise?" I asked. "Just... hold on a second."

"No, wait. What were you saying?"

"Oh! I think I hear someone calling me. I'm coming!" I said,

"Don't change the subject." Gwen said. "I want to talk about this."

I ran off to Economy Class, no doubt leaving Gwen dumbfounded.

Come to think of it, Bridgette never _did_ mention Geoff her whole time here. I guess that should have set off a few signals in my head. It was just that with so much stuff going on in this show, it was hard to keep up with everything.

I felt happy for avoiding a conflict right there, but I shouldn't have because I ran right into a Latino.

If I ever had a tumor, I'd name it 'Alejandro'. He was like that little scratch on the roof of the mouth that would heal if only one could stop tonguing it, but they can't.

"Noah. So good to see you. How are you on this fine day?"

"Doing well." I said. "Sorry I'm not sorry about the food that Tyler spit on your face earlier today. If you ask me, it was a major improvement."

I saw him grimace. I certainly enjoyed pissing him off.

"Are you alright, _Al_?" I asked, putting special emphasis on the last word.

Alejandro suddenly twitched uncomfortably for some reason.

"That is okay, amigo. What are friends for?" Alejandro asked in a vile manner.

It was my time to growl. I grabbed his collar.

"Listen, don't try to be all goody-two-shoes with me, okay? Cut the act." I said. "I saw what you said to the others. I know what you're trying to do here, and it just won't work."

"That's great." Alejandro flatly said, pushing me away. " _I_ saw you practicing this."

"Practicing what?"

"Telling me off." He replied. "Is it going as well as you hoped?"

I narrowed my eyes until they appeared as mere slits on my face.

"I'll expose you." I said.

"Go ahead. I'd like to see you try." He cockily replied.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked him.

"It's more entertaining than a movie, and there's free food." He said nonchalantly.

"Look, this is _my_ show. I was here first. I've been competing for two seasons." I said, holding up two fingers. "I've made a lot of good friends on this show, and I don't want you to ruin it."

"Candy stripe a cancer ward. It's not my problem." He replied, shrugging.

I had failed to foil his attempt to take Bridgette out. It was by sheer luck that the blonde was still in this game. If I wanted to convince Alejandro to change his ways, I had to talk in his language.

"Okay, look… you don't want to get into this. It becomes an addiction. The money makes you obsess over unimportant things. I'm kindly requesting you to change your ways for the better."

"Nope. Too bad. It was about time I started gunning for Bridgette. I used that sickeningly sweet personality against her and got her out of the game. Nice girls finish last, and they get voted off first."

"See? Case in point." I said.

"It feels so good when you get a plan in action and execute it. Like a pleasurable surge of adrenaline." Alejandro said, inhaling deeply.

"In case you weren't aware, Ale-jerk-dro, Bridgette's still here." I said, poking his chest. "So, as far as I'm concerned, you didn't do diddly squat!"

"Yes, yes, but for how long do you expect to keep your friends safe?" The Latino asked. "Bridgette is expendable. You all are. One by one, you'll all go down."

"Well, those _are_ the rules." I deadpanned.

"Noah, may I ask you something?"

Without waiting for a response, he continued.

"Why are you on their side? Why fight for a doomed group that will hunt you down as soon as they realize that the team-stage is coming to an end? I'm sorry for what happened previously between us. I truly am." He said, genuinely smiling. "Everything I did, I did for you, to unlock your power and make you embrace it. You've come a long way from firing off quips during season one. I'm so proud of you, and you're just starting to scratch the surface. Think of how much further we could go together."

"I don't want to hurt you, Noah. I never did. I want to help you. This is our time, our age. We are the future of this competition, you and me. Think of everything we could accomplish together. The money could be ours. All you have to do is pledge your undying allegiance to me. Join me, and together, we can rule the galaxy- err, I mean, _this show_!"

"I think I know why you keep persisting with these offers. It's because I won season two, isn't it?"

"That _is_ a part of it, yes. I also know that you crave power. I can give you power beyond your wildest dreams. Tempting, isn't it?" He asked with a sly smile.

"I'm sorry, Alejandro. I'm no saint, but I just don't believe in tricking and betraying innocent people to get what I want. Especially my friends."

I declined his offer once, and I would decline it again.

"Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be." Alejandro said, his tone carrying certain venom to it.

"To them, you're just a freak. They need you right now. When they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper." Alejandro said. "See, their morals, their code... it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the show allows them to be. I'll show you, when the chips are down, these... these 'civilized people', they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve."

"Sure you are." I said.

"You are all just obstacles in my path to victory." Alejandro said. "Mere speed bumps on the road. Soon, you shall all be expunged."

"Well, we'll certainly see about that, won't we?"

"Yes." He said, grinning maliciously. "Yes, we will."

Is it me, or was Alejandro eviler than he was the first time?

This is exactly like what happened with Heather in the new version of TDI as opposed to the original!

I'm sensing a pattern here.

We had competed on the show before. We knew Chris and each other really well. We had experience on our side, and that was big. What Alejandro possessed, however, was the mystery factor. He wasn't an easy book to read and really good at hiding his true intentions. You bet your bottom dollar he used this to his full advantage.

The only person we could have compared him with was Justin, but he was better than Justin in every sense. I was one of the first people to spot his treachery, and what did I get for it? A tossing out of the plane. Heather was always suspicious of him, but by the time she had figured him out, it was too late. We used to be on the same team. This time around, he was trying to pick off my teammates one by one. I needed to get rid of him sooner rather than later.

First, it was time to make care of my 'issues' with Cody. Whatever _that_ means.

I had started off on the wrong foot and messed up my opening. It was time to fix some stuff real quick.

Since I had deep-sixed any and all data I had regarding Total Drama Action, I only had half-baked information regarding what went on back in season two.

There was _one_ thing that could help me straighten things out with Cody. I dashed off to my duffel bag to look for it.

"I sure hope you packed it in with the rest of my stuff, Matt." I mumbled.

Damn. When Matt told me that my duffel bag held the answers to most of my questions, he wasn't kidding.

There it was, the device that I had in mind. I held in my hands the key to life, the universe, and everything.

With this, I could end any unresolved conflict between my pal Cody and I forever.

Hopefully.

What sucked was that I would have to wait until the challenge to see Cody.

Or maybe not...

At that point, I had to make a life-or-death decision.

Nothing good would come of me just sitting here and hoping things would change. I had to get off my butt and act upon my newfound information. 'Good things come to those who wait' just didn't apply here. More like 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained'. The longer I waited this out, the worse it was going to be.

I had lost a lot of friends in my life, and I wasn't prepared to lose another.

Running away from my problems wasn't going to help me solve them any quicker. It was time to face this head-on.

So, I went into First Class with the doohickey in my hand hoping no one would spot me except the one I was searching for.

"Noah!?" He asked, his eyes going wide when he saw me. "What the fudge are you doing here?"

"Oh, so _now_ you're talking to me?" I asked.

He immediately went silent. I hated being blamed for things that I didn't do, or rather, had no recollection of doing.

I showed him the device I bought: A Nintendo DS.

"Remember this? You gave me it back in season one." I said. "Look, back on that island, we used to be so tight. You're the best friend I ever had, Cody. I know I said and did some terrible stuff, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I hope we can be good friends again. Please?"

Cody frowned at me, but his face soon turned into a smiling one. He took the DS from me.

"Apology accepted." He said.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the heck do you think you're talking to?"

"I'm surprised you still have this." Cody said. I misplaced your novel months ago!"

"Of course I have it. My BFF gave it to me." I said.

"Woohoo! I'll never be bored again!" Cody said.

"Be careful." I said. "The things you own end up owning you."

"I'm sorry too, Noah." Cody said. "It's just that I liked Gwen so much and then she starting dating you. I didn't realize that winning could make you such a busy person, either. I guess you barely had time to relax after you won, did you?"

"Um… sure. Let's go with that." I said.

I never imagined that Cody would be envious of me. I wasn't exactly 'all that' in the looks department, though my fans seem to think otherwise. After a bro-hug, we sat down and talked for a while.

"I can't believe Chris made Bridgette switch teams!" Cody said. "That was an unprecedented move on his part."

"Tell me about it."

Well, Heather _had_ complained about her team starting the contest down a member. Now, _they_ were the team with the most people.

"Seriously. The odds of that happening are about the same as those of Donald Drumpf becoming president of the United States." Cody said.

I wondered if I should tell him how close to happening that really was but then decided against it. It was terrifying just thinking about it.

"Dude, you've gotta help me with Sierra." Cody said. "I can't even sleep without her appearing in my nightmares and stealing my socks."

He shuddered and so did I.

"Man, that sucks." I said.

"Tell me about it."

"This is what you wanted, right?" I asked. "Girls to go crazy over you?"

"Well, yeah, but not like this!" Cody exclaimed. "Man, know I know how Gwen felt when I was being such a creep back on The Island. I guess I deserve it."

"You don't want a girl to show you her affection? Who are you and what have you done with the real Cody?" I asked.

"Not funny, Noah." Cody said. "She's driving me up the walls. I'm going to go insane. I know it."

"Hang in there, bud." I said, patting his shoulder.

"It's weird, Noah. You know a couple things about me that not even Sierra knows." Cody said, sitting up in his chair. "There's this ' _spark_ ', you know?"

No, no, no. No spark!

"That's called 'friendship', Romeo." I snarked, hoping to deter him with sarcasm.

He shrugged. "What's so different between friendship and romance anyway? The sexual component?"

 _Yes! That's EXACTLY the difference!_

"Hey… where _is_ Sierra, anyway?" I asked, not liking where this conversation was headed.

"Doing her mandatory confessional." Cody said. "Probably spends 99% of her time talking about me in there. It's the only time I'm ever left alone."

"Did Chris make all of you guys confess?" I asked. "Did you get a question, too?"

"That's a 'yes' to both. Mine asked why I was a strong teammate. Are you kidding me?" Cody asked. "What makes _me_ a good competitor? If I were a _bad_ competitor, I wouldn't be sitting here, discussing it with you, now _would_ I?"

"True, true." I said.

"Noah, I have to say your FPS has really changed from last season." Cody said.

"FPS? What is that, some sort of video game terminology?" I asked. "Frames per second? First-person shooter?"

"Foul-words Per Second." The geek answered.

"Ah. Well, Cody, profanity should have a narrative purpose." I said. "The usual purpose of profanity is to shock, but it can only do that if it's used sparingly. When overused, profanity becomes mere filler at best and a distraction at worst. With rare exceptions, any point made with profanity can be made just as well, if not better, without it, and the quality of your messages suffers for your failure to understand that." **[1]**

"Wow. I'll keep that in mind when writing my next FanFiction." Cody said half-seriously, half-sarcastically.

"If either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds."

"Cody…"

He checked his watch. "Darn. That's disappointing." He said.

"Um… yeah. So, it's all good right?" I asked.

"Totally, bro. No hard feelings." He said.

"Cody, there's so much more to you than you know, not just geekiness and hormonal rage. There's fighting spirit in you too, and you can harness all that. You have a power that no one can match, not even me." I said.

"Noah? What are you doing here?" A female voice asked.

I thanked my lucky stars that it was Bridgette. Anyone else might have ratted me out.

"Um… I was ironing things out. I mean, I was _on my way_ out." I said, getting up to leave. "Don't tell anyone you saw me here, please."

"Don't worry. I understand." Bridgette said.

Well, she _was_ the one who brought it to my attention in the first place.

"Wait!" Cody said. "What do I do about… uh… you know…"

"Just talk about it." I said. "There's no getting around it."

What a stroke of luck that I wasn't seen by anyone else. I went back to Economy Class. It was a good thing that this wasn't like one of those lackluster FanFiction stories I'd read. Otherwise, Cody and I would be lying in a naked heap, screwing each other's brains out.

'Ew' to the power of one million.

Now that my Cody problem had been taken care of, it was time to focus on my other troubles. I had bigger fish to fry.

"Where were you?" Leshawna asked.

"Um… bathroom?" I replied.

"I can't believe Chris asked me what my favorite food was in the Confessional!" Owen said. "There are just so many to choose from! That's got to be the most difficult question ever."

"Ahem." Leshawna said, clearing her throat. "Now that Bridgette's gone, there are only four of us left now."

"Very astute observation." I deadpanned.

"I don't wanna lose the next challenge." Owen wailed.

"We won't." Leshawna stated. "Leshawna, Izzy, Owen, and Noah. Take the first letters of all our names and what do you get?"

"Noil?" Owen asked.

"No! _LION_! We are like a pride of hungry lions, ready for the kill!" Leshawna exclaimed.

"I don't want to kill anybody!" Owen wailed.

"I meant that in the metaphorical sense." Leshawna said.

"Attention everyone!" Chris announced through the intercom. "Meet me in the Dining Area! It's time for your next challenge!"

Yay.

"Alright! Let's kick some butt!" Leshawna exclaimed.

When we got to the Cafeteria, we saw Trent talking about how awesome nine was, Sierra gushing over Cody, and Lindsay still trying to figure out who Tyler was.

"The idiots around here are making me sick to my stomach." Leshawna said.

You and me both, sister.

"Why the heck is there a big boat here?" Courtney asked.

"Take a seat, grab a handle, and I'll tell you where we're going." Chris said, ignoring the question as usual.

We grudgingly did as instructed.

"Oh, sweet boat, guy." Tyler said.

What's with people calling Chris 'guy'? Did they forget his name or something?

"Right, Lindsay?" Tyler asked his absent-minded girlfriend.

"Um, sure... Dave, is it?" Lindsay replied, angering the jock.

"Why are _you_ wearing a life-jacket?" I asked Chris.

"Cause there's fifteen of you, but only _one_ valuable me." The selfosexual said. "Hit it, Chef!"

Before anyone could ask what exactly Chef was hitting, the floor of the plane gave way and we were sent plummeting down into the water below.

We were floating on the Upper Bay, fed by the banks of the Hudson River.

Ugh. What was with all these rivers?

I'd rather not ask our host, for he would probably tell us to cry him a river or something.

"Welcome to… New York City!" Chris announced.

* * *

 **[1]** What Noah said was nearly word-for-word the advice Gideoncrawle gave to me in the TDWF. He's a brilliant writer and you should check him out if you haven't already. I had gotten a lot of complaints about the overuse of bad words in this story, and they were justified. I apologize for throwing around swear words willy-nilly and have now watered it down. Profanity-laced sentences full of the s-word, f-word and b-word have been terminated.

* * *

Now, to talk about the previous location.

So, I had originally planned on having either Bridgette or Leshawna going home after The Yukon challenge, but then I realized that there was more that I could do with both of them. Bridgette in particular, I felt left too early in canon, but I have special plans for her going forward.

I'm glad I didn't toss Bridgette out early like I originally planned to. Leshawna, meanwhile, acts as a nice foil/ minor rival for Noah. I think I can pull off whatever it is I have planned and I hope the changes will be well-received. That's all for now!

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **The Amazonians –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra

 **The Epicites –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler

 **The Chrises –** Leshawna, Izzy, Owen, Noah

 ** _Drop of Shame –_** Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold


	17. BoredWalk Quagmire

Dormammu, I've come to bargain.

* * *

Don't mention the election. Don't mention the election. Don't mention the election.

Um… Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! We all have a lot to be thankful for on this day. I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to review, favorite or follow my story, even those who read it without doing any of those things. Thank you for the ideas and I hope you keep them coming. Stick around because there's a lot of stuff yet to be set in motion.

On another note, New York is the only place visited on TDWT that I've actually been to. Let's get on with it before the world ends on Black Friday, shall we?

* * *

 **\- Chapter xvii -**

* * *

 **Destination 4 (Part Two) – Bored-Walk Quagmire**

 **Current Venue:** New York Harbor

 **Geographical Location:** New York City, New York [United States of America]

* * *

"Ah, New York." Cody reminisced. "Home of Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, and a bunch of other awesome Marvel superheroes that I won't name because Chris will get really mad at me."

Boy, was I glad to have befriended this guy again. It was a load off my shoulders and I now had a possible ally for the battles that I would face in the future.

Unfortunately, all future planning would have to wait for now because we were about to begin our next challenge.

"This is where Kevin McCallister got lost in that one movie, right?" Owen said.

"Those four animals too." Tyler added.

"Oh, don't forget that huge gorilla!" DJ said.

Ugh. We get it. A lot of movies take place in New York. Can we please stop?

I was wondering why Chef didn't confiscate Cody's DS when he searched my bag. The rules explicitly stated that we should have no devices to contact or communicate with other people.

Then again, I guess a DS couldn't be used for those purposes, so Chef allowed it.

"I miss Eva. This would be so much more fun if all of Team E-Scope were here." Izzy said to me. "Think of all the awesome stuff we could do together, haha!"

"What exactly do you mean when you say 'fun stuff'?" I asked.

"Oh, you know, the usual… like blowing up Chris's plane, or setting fire to Chris's plane, or unscrewing the bolts on Chris's plane!" Exclaimed the crazy girl.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." The host said.

"Yeah, that would've been totally fun." I droned.

"Maybe we could crash the plane into two of the tallest buildings in America!" Izzy exclaimed.

This was met by really awkward silence.

"Too soon?" Asked the redhead.

I summoned the sharpest glare and deepest deadpan that I could muster before letting out my reply.

"No, Izzy. Not at effing all."

Of course, the comment went right over her head, just like an airplane flying over a building.

Oh, crap. What have I done?

'Awkward', thy name is 'Noah'.

"Jet fuel can't melt steel beams." Trent said.

"Okay, that's enough insensitive comments." Chris said. "Though I would personally give them a 9 out of 11."

After receiving a variety of glares ranging from anger to disgust, Chris finally got the point.

"Alright. First things first. I have an important announcement I'd like to inform you guys about."

We stopped out chatter and listened intently to what the host was going to talk about.

"What is it?" Courtney asked.

Chris cleared his throat before he spoke.

"Live from New York, it's 'Saturday Ni-' um, I mean, Total!… Drama!… Wooooorld Toooooooour!" Chris exclaimed. "Man, I've always wanted to say that."

Cue groans.

"I'm so excited." Lindsay said to Leshawna. "Now I can finally go shopping on Fifth Avenue! Eee!"

Little did the blonde know that she was in for a rude shock.

The boat arrived at Liberty Island and we all got off and awaited further instructions. It was time for us to do whatever Chris told us so we could look like buffoons on international television. Yay for us!

The society of Total Drama was eerily Orwellian. The methods followed by Chris and his cronies were just like in George Orwell's dystopian 'Nineteen Eighty-Four'. We were constantly being watched, our words were kept in check, and our feelings were being manipulated. I hated how bowdlerized the final version of this show had become from the original account. At this rate, it was only a matter of time before we got arrested for thought crimes.

'Censorship' was one word I loathed, probably most of all.

"Welcome to Broadway, Baby!" Chris exclaimed, shaking me back to reality. "Today's challenge shall be the most interesting challenge yet."

"It's the fourth location yet." I flatly stated.

"Here's how it's gonna go down." Chris said. "Your first challenge is a carriage race to Central Park, which I like to call 'Liberty or Death'!"

Hm. Quoting Patrick Henry. Maybe Chris wasn't as stupid as I thought he was.

I already knew what we had to do. It was another race to the top of the Statue of Liberty, where we had to retrieve a carriage. Then we had to go back down to the docks where a speed boat awaited us and ride through a sewer that would lead us to Central Park.

After that we had to race to the center of Central Park where the big fountain was, retrieve a giant apple within the fountain, and race back to the end of Central Park across the finish line. The last team to cross would lose the challenge, and I had to make sure that it wasn't going to be us. At the very least, I had to make sure that the team didn't lose because of me.

"Oh, I've always dreamed of riding a horse-drawn carriage!" Owen exclaimed.

Really, Owen? I thought all you dreamt about was food, food, and more food.

"Don't even think about making me the horse, Heather!" Courtney said sternly.

I could tell painful memories of the previous challenge were still in her head.

"Slow down, conclusion-jumpers." Chris said. "It's a baby carriage race."

First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes the baby in a baby carriage!

"So… where are the carriages?" Leshawna asked after looking left and right.

She did not look up and down, and that's when Chris gleefully pointed out that they were hanging from the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

"Yeah." Chris said. "Hope you brought your climbing gloves!"

Of course, this prompted the usual groans and moans of displeasure.

"L-O-L, Chris." Sierra said. "I think you're mischievous spirit makes the game."

"Thanks, Sierra." Chris said. "It's nice to be appreciated!"

Yeah, maybe if you weren't such a jerk, we would appreciate you more. Ever think of that, smart one?

" _Appreciated_? I love you!" Sierra exclaimed. "I always did. Even waaaaay back when you were making those terrible movies about talking cats!"

This prompted some snickers.

"Uh…" Chris started.

"I was even going to call my first fan club 'The Christians', but that name was already taken." Sierra said.

Gee. I wonder why?

"Okay!" Chris said, shoving Sierra aside. "Less chatter, more splatter- err, climbing. More climbing. We'll leave the splatter to fate!"

So reassuring.

"Anywho," Chris continued. "One you reach Lady Liberty's crown, pull up your rope to bring your team up faster. Once everybody is up, your team grabs the correct carriage off the spike, races back down to your boat, and follows the buoys to your next exciting destination… Central Park!"

"Yay! A ridiculously long challenge created for the sole purpose of being ridiculously long. Woohoo!" I said, earning some cheap laughs.

"Um, so… when do we go shopping?" Lindsay asked.

"You don't." Chris answered.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Lindsay wailed, getting down on her knees.

"Man, Lindsay just put Luke Skywalker to shame." Cody whispered to me.

After the fashionista calmed down, we all gathered with our respective teams under the Statue of Liberty. The great monument was a beacon of hope for all those travelers that ventured here long ago. One of the greatest gifts that the French gave to America. It was designed by Gustave Eiffel, who also built the iconic Eiffel Tower. This was breathtaking.

However, since I have already been here and done that, I just wanted to get this thing over with. It was time to climb.

Life is like toilet paper. You're either on a roll or taking crap from some a-hole.

"Dang, Chris." Leshawna said. "How did you get permission for us to climb this huge thing?"

"Uh… yeah, permission." Chris said, tugging his collar nervously. "I totally have that. Nothing to worry about, guys."

Gulp.

"Look! I'm a rabid monkey!" Izzy said, climbing up the rope. "Ayayayaya!"

"What are these ropes made of?" DJ asked.

"Steel wool." Chris answered. "Strong and rough. Just like the Big Apple."

You got that right.

"Why don't I go first and make sure it's safe for you ladies?" Cody asked.

Courtney stopped him. "I know exactly how we should climb." She said.

"You're not gonna suggest we belay again, are you?" Gwen asked. "Cause that worked _so_ well in Egypt."

"...but...no!" Courtney said quickly. "I… never mind."

"Move it, walking stick." Leshawna told me.

"Alright, alright. Yeesh." I said.

Sometimes you do something, and you get screwed. Sometimes it's the things you don't do, and you get screwed.

I began my ascent. Holy crap, did those ropes hurt or what?

"You're dead meat, Noah." Trent taunted, about to climb himself. "I eat pieces of crap like you for breakfast."

"You eat pieces of _crap_ for breakfast?" I asked.

"...No!" He quickly said.

I looked up to see how far I had to go. In doing so, I got a nice view of Izzy's tush. Aw, so cute.

Focus, Noah! Focus!

I was now climbing up the 151-foot monument with no safety net or wire harnesses. I could not afford to lose my concentration. One slip might mean my doom (literally).

Sometimes real life is scarier than anything fiction can conjure up. This was one such instance.

I was desperately holding onto the ropes for fear of plummeting to my death. I was slowly inching my way to the summit of the sculpture. Meanwhile, at the top, Chris was screaming at us to hurry the hell up.

"It's been 25 blister-busting minutes and nothing!" He yelled. "You guys are bumming me out!"

Great, Chris. That's exactly the kind of encouragement we need.

Leshawna was climbing underneath me, and below her was Owen.

For Team Epic, Alejandro was climbing at a rather speedy rate, The new guy was going all the way to the top. He was the first one to get there. Why was I not surprised?

"Hurry it up, people!" Chris said. "I'm officially bored!"

"You are pure evil!" Alejandro stated, climbing up.

Well, look who's talking.

Alejandro was a master tactician. He was a manipulating strategist whose weapons of choice were 'deceit', 'cunning' and 'guile'. For him to claim that someone was evil truly proves how dastardly Chris was.

I focused my concentration back down below, where I was catching up to Tyler. Damn, I must have been making good progress if I managed to reach the muscular jock.

Then I saw the object that had distracted Tyler.

"Look at those!" He said, leering at the area beneath the Statue's neck.

You naughty, naughty boy.

I couldn't help but sneak a peak as well. I guess they reminded Tyler of Lindsay's set.

"Hey! What's going on?" Cody asked, climbing up to us.

He then looked at what we were looking at.

"Oh!" Cody said in awe. "Giggity, giggity, goo!"

Unfortunately (Or _fortunately_. It's all a matter of perspective.), the geek leaned too far away and lost his grip. He plummeted straight in between the two lumps.

"Whoo! Ten point landing, dude!" Tyler said.

Cody, however, was not as ecstatic. Gravity had now forced him inside, and there was nothing that he could do about it.

"Uh oh! I'm getting sucked in! Aaaah!" Cody yelled.

"I'll save you, Cody!" Sierra said, swinging over and freeing the poor sap.

Cody had been literally saved by the skin of one's teeth.

It was such a darn shame. None of us should have to endure this torture. We deserved much better.

I saw in Total Drama some of the strongest and smartest people who have ever lived. Yet, we were all going to be pumping gas and waiting tables, or slaves with white collars.

Advertising had our whole generation chasing cars and clothes. We would be working jobs we hated so we can buy stuff we don't need. We were the middle children of history, with no purpose or place. We have no Great War, no Great Depression. Our Great War was a spiritual war… our Great Depression was our lives. We have a great revolution against the culture of society.

Kids were being raised on television shows such as ours to believe that one day they'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but they won't. They're slowly learning that fact, and they're very, very pissed off.

We are the quiet young people who listen until it's time to decide.

"Woohoo! Alright!" Izzy said upon completing her ascent.

She was the first one to make it to the top on our team. I followed after a while, wheezing like a dog. The race was still neck and neck. Thanks to the fact that we had fewer members, we should have made it to the top first. Unfortunately for us, one of those members was Owen.

The big guy had tangled himself up in the ropes, in turn tangling up our plans.

It was pandemonium as we all struggled to pull him up.

"Let's go!" Chris whined. "I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I gotta pee!"

Chris, if my arms weren't busy holding this rope, I would punch your scumbag mouth right in the face.

Then I'd probably get kicked out of the contest, so, I guess not.

More and more people made it up the metallic 1886 monument. After finally making it to the top, I was rather afraid to look down. I had been here before, and I still felt as scared now as I was then, if not more. Having a fear of heights isn't irrational. In fact, it was one of the most common fears in the world.

I had acrophobia (fear of heights). Almost everyone I was friends with was afraid of something. There was an equally ridiculous name given to their fears. that Leshawna had arachnophobia (fear of spiders), DJ had ophidiophobia (fear of snakes), Owen had aerophobia (fear of flying and flight), Gwen had taphephobia (fear of being buried alive), though she overcame it, and Tyler had alektorophobia (fear of chickens). Hell, even my cousin Dave had mysophobia (fear of germs).

Team Amazon was waiting on Sierra, who finally appeared.

"I'll get the carriage!" Heather exclaimed to the rest of her team. "Which is something only a really valuable teammate would do."

Well, she certainly had something to prove.

Since we had a bit of downtime, I asked Cody about his little 'accident'.

"Boobs are near the center of the universe until you turn twenty-five or so." The geek stated. "Which is also when young men's auto insurance rates go down. This is not a coincidence."

"Right. Nothing to do with the fact that you cast a lecherous gaze towards anything remotely sexual." I said.

"Not many people can claim to have fallen into the Statue of Liberty's cleavage and lived to tell the tale." Cody bragged.

"True, but I'd rather stick to the real thing if you know what I mean." I said.

"Hey Chris, know what?" Sierra asked, running up to the host. "I own every one of your TV appearances on DVD, even your cooking show, 'Keep it Plain with Chris Maclean'! Your recipe for white rice is so great. It's totally unfair you got canceled after only one episode."

This caused all of us to laugh. Oh, my goodness, I almost forgot. Chris was very famous, indeed. Even DJ and Bridgette, who were more respectful members were laughing their butts off. Alejandro joined in with the laughter, but his devilish smile showed that he had a part to play in causing this fracas.

"I was… going… through a… phase." Chris said, shuddering.

"Ta-da!" Heather exclaimed, returning with the carriage. "Like I said, 'valuable'!"

"Team Amazon takes the lead!" Chris announced, happy to drop the embarrassing topic. "The rest of you need to move your behinds!"

"Alright, alright. Yeesh." I said.

"Would it kill you to show some compassion once in your life?" Cody asked the host.

"Yeah, get a load of this guy over here. Dr. Knows Stuff About Reality Shows." Chris said sarcastically. "Let me tell you a bit about my background. I've been watching reality TV since I was in the 5th grade. I may have defaulted on my cable subscription for it years ago, but believe me, I know drama inside out. I don't know what the heck 'compassion' is. I've never had it and frankly it sounds like baloney. Believe me, I don't have any patience for people who come into my life pretending to know stuff about what goes on in my life. Think for a moment before you come to me with this nonsense about 'compassion'."

"How can you be so cold-hearted?" Bridgette asked.

"I wasn't finished!" Chris said. "Have you ever been to my house? Seen how I act? I sincerely doubt it because I haven't had friends over to my house since the Paul Martin administration. That's a very narrow window of time in which you could have seen my reality skills. Even then, you probably hadn't completed your course at the Drama Academy. I have worked in Hollywood for almost two years and I can tell you I spent my time in the department with the reality stars. I actually spent most of my time serving them food, carrying their luggage, and opening doors for them, but believe me, I saw stars out there, big famous ones. They were pretty cool and I never heard them say a single thing about my compassion. That is why I ask you to please shut up."

"..."

"Um… okay." Cody said, breaking the few minutes of awkward silence that followed.

"Seriously, Chris? That's just messed up." Heather said.

"You know what's even more messed up?" Chris asked.

"What?"Heather asked.

"... The fact that I can't come up with a good comeback." Chris admitted.

"Alright. We're wasting time here." Courtney said. "How do we get back down?"

"Fireman's pole, anyone?" Chris asked. "It's only a thirty-story drop."

"You gotta be kidding me, man." DJ said.

"Nope. You all have to slide down this pole that is very long and hard, stroking it all the way." Chris said. "It's time for you all to go down on it. Be sure to gently caress the pole for maximum speed. Firmly grasp it in your hands, but don't grip it too hard and you'll rub it out. "

We all burst into laughter as Chris had unwittingly made another innuendo.

"You kids need to get your minds out of the gutter." Chris said.

"So… who's going first?" The CIT asked the rest of the Amazons.

They all looked around nervously before Gwen spoke.

"Well, someone's gotta do it." The Goth said. "Here goes."

With that, my girlfriend slid all the way down.

Ah, Gwen. Gwen's philosophy of life was that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn't.

I heard her say she was okay from the bottom, so I guess the fall wasn't that bad.

Team Epic had managed to get all their members up to the top. DJ tiptoed over the spike to get their carriage, and they were soon out of sight.

Things weren't looking too good on our end as Owen had gotten lodged inside the Statue's nose.

"You gotta be frontin' me!" Leshawna said, frustrated.

"Oh, for goodness sakes, Owen!" I yelled.

"You can do it, Big O!" Izzy said.

We sort of have a triangle thing going here. I want Izzy, Izzy wants Owen, Owen wants me. I don't want Owen, but I don't really have a choice. Izzy only sees me as a friend. She doesn't love me, not anymore. This isn't about love as in 'caring'. This is about 'property' as in 'ownership'. Things got even more complicated when Gwen was thrown into the mix. She dumped Trent for me, and Cody still likes her. Then there's Sierra, who likes Cody, but the geek won't return the feelings. Thinking about all the possible scenarios in which this situation could play out was really hurting my head.

"Hurry it up!" Chris said. "You guys are waaay behind the other teams. Like, way behind."

"Yeah, thanks for pointing that out for us." I said unenthusiastically.

At last, we got Owen up the Statue. I think I used up a whole day's worth of my energy in a few minutes.

"Hallelujah!" Leshawna exclaimed. "Good job, team. Now, let's go!"

"I get the spike!" Izzy said. "Called it!"

I was just about ready to celebrate pulling Owen up, but we hadn't even gotten to Central Park yet. There was still a lot of the challenge yet to be completed, which was both a good and a bad thing.

I was panting in exhaustion. We had expended so much effort and were still in the last place with barely one-third of the challenge complete. This was going perfectly fine.

"Nice one, Izzy!" Owen cheered.

I swear, pulling Owen up the Statue of Liberty deserves an award of its own.

"Vroom, vroom!" Izzy said, hopping into the cart and riding it down.

She crashed into the pole and slid down it head-first. After forcing Owen down the hole, the rest of us followed.

I hoped we could cut down on our deficit. The bright side was that this challenge wasn't over yet. Not by a long shot. There was still time. Maybe we could pull together and win one for a change.

"Come on, guys. We can catch up to the others if we hurry!" Leshawna said.

"So, you're telling me there's a chance?" Owen asked.

"Yes." I said. "Yes, there is."

* * *

Wow. I can't believe I got through a whole chapter without mentioning or referencing the election.

…

…

F**k! America, what have you done? You've tempted fate! It's bad enough that 2016 has been at an off-the-charts level of insane. Now, the 45th leader of the United States is… President Trump. *Shudders violently*

Nah, JK. Please stop the hate and give him a chance.

* * *

Last but not least…

Dormammu, I've come to bargain.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **The Amazonians** – Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [Presently Leading]

 **The Epicites** – Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler [Presently Trailing]

 **The Chrises** – Leshawna, Izzy, Owen, Noah [Presently Losing]

 _ **Drop of Shame**_ – Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold

* * *

 **NEXT UP:** There will be babies, crying, whining, and pouting galore as the contestants move into the next phase of the challenge, and as conflicts escalate within and between the three teams, there's no telling what will happen...


	18. Three Teams and a Baby

I have a very good excuse for why it took me so long to update. I really do! The reason is that time refused to stop! Since it refused to stop, I had no way of doing everything required of me. Therefore, it is all time's fault. Go out there and punch a watch for me, or kick a clock. Point at the clock app on your phone and say "BAD!"

Christmas, Christmas time is here! Merry Christmas, you guise! I hope you like my present! :)

Now, it's time for Christmas in New York with the Total Drama gang!

* * *

 **\- Chapter xviii -**

* * *

 **Destination 4 (Part Three) – Three Teams and a Baby**

 **Current Venue:** The Statue of Liberty

 **Geographical Location:** New York City, New York [United States of America]

* * *

"Ha! Lizard poisons Spock. You lose." I said, grinning triumphantly.

"Wait. I thought Spock vaporizes Lizard?" Izzy asked quizzically.

"No. Spock vaporizes rock." I clarified.

"Darn!" Izzy said, pounding her fist against the boat. "No matter how hard I focus my mind-reading powers, you always manage to win some rounds. I think your sweater has the power to block ESP."

"Sure. Let's go with that." I said, rolling my eyes.

We had all raced off Liberty Island and climbed into our vehicle. Having had enough of the game, I stared listlessly into the water. Leshawna was steering our boat, guided by buoys placed at select locations.

Apparently Team Amazon had left Cody behind, and they were now forced to go back to get him, which meant we were now in second place.

"Taking a boat to Central Park doesn't make a lick of sense." Leshawna noted as we sped past another buoy. "Park's in the middle of Manhattan."

"Hm. I guess we'll find out." I said.

Like almost everyone on this planet, I craved attention and wanted my voice to be heard. I wouldn't admit it outright, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to be considered important.

It's easy to say that you don't care what other people think of you, but deep down, everyone cares. Everyone wants approval from the people they like and will try any means necessary, fighting tooth and nail, to earn that approval.

I wanted to be the warm little center that the life of this world crowded around.

We rode into an opening which unfortunately turned out to be the New York sewage system.

"Ew!" Leshawna said, squeezing her nose with two fingers.

Pee-yew! A rancid odor filled the place and I covered my nose from the pungent smell. Owen and Izzy, however, seemed to be unaffected for reasons I'd rather not figure out.

I just hoped that I wouldn't see a creepy clown telling me that "They all float down here". That would not bade well for my coulrophobia.

One of the rules I garnered from Total Drama was to not attract attention, even by being overly careful. It's the weirdoes and loonies that usually go first. _Izzy_ , of course, was the exception.

"Ugh! There better be a reward at the end of this challenge, like a long, hot shower disinfectant!" Leshawna said.

It was then that we heard a growling, rumbling sound.

"So… those stories about sewer alligators are just urban legends, right?" Owen asked, tapping his fingers nervously.

"Oh, I have been _done_ with alligators since our encounter in Egypt." Leshawna said.

"Agreed." I said. "No need to get up close and personal again."

Legends and sightings of alligators residing in unorthodox locations, such as the sewers of New York City, date way back to the 1920s. I use to think those stories were baseless until I actually saw one face to face last time.

"Oh! I have a pet alligator at my house." Izzy said excitedly. "I named him 'Gummy'! He's a sweet little guy. Feisty, though."

"Good to know." Leshawna said.

"Look out!" I yelled, as a giant alligator lunged out from the water at our boat.

Gosh darn it! Not again!

"Ride like the wind, Leshawna!" I hollered, hoping to put as much distance as possible between our boat and the huge reptile.

For a few seconds, we were filled with nothing but abject terror. We didn't dare to look back for fear of getting our heads ripped off. Behind us, Team Amazon screamed in horror. Our hearts were beating quickly and in our mouths.

This wasn't even the nastiest part of New York. Those parts were filled with Mobsters, rapists, drug dealers, gangsters, dirt, crime and filth. Disgusted me just thinking about it. Then again, I guess every city has a 'shadowy place' where people must never go.

At last, we saw the light at the end of the tunnel and escaped through a giant pipe.

After Team Chris, Epic and Amazon made it out of the sewage (the latter from the monster's jaws), we all rejoiced.

"We're alive!" Leshawna happily said.

"Woohoo! Yeah! Let's go again!" Izzy cheered. "Who's up for round two?"

"Izzy, you're insane, and I mean that in the absolute most derogatory way possible." I told her.

She bowed, grinning cockily.

"Why, thank you." The redhead said.

Izzy was a real wild card on this show, with special emphasis on 'wild'.

"I bet they're gonna make a game out of this." Owen said.

"What's not to love about New York City?" Courtney asked sarcastically.

As for the alligator, he was was too large to fit, so we all remained alive… for now.

"Ohohohoho. Nasty! That's the kind of stink that _never_ comes out." Said Chris, who was wearing a fumigation mask.

"Make the gator sign a waiver so we can show it on TV." He told Chef, who begrudgingly obeyed.

Chef complied, and so did the reptile, with the former muttering about how stupid this show was.

I feel you, Chef.

"I think I that gator is Vince!" DJ exclaimed.

"Who's Vince?" Bridgette asked.

"When he was small, I accidentally flushed him down a toilet after bathing him in the sink." DJ said. "Guess he's all grown up now."

"Yay! Glad to know I'm not the only one with a pet alligator." Izzy said.

"Chris, you are such a brilliant commander." Sierra complimented. "That's why you always stood out in your boy band."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Owen exclaimed. "Chris was in a boy band?"

"Moving on!" Said the host quickly, eager to drop the topic.

Unfortunately for him, his biggest fan wasn't.

"Back in the 80s, he was." She said.

"Making trouble is easy to do, but making you love me is painful!" Sierra sang.

"You were in ' _Fametown_ '?" Gwen asked

Chris could only twitch his eyes in response, causing the rest of us to laugh our butts off, Chef included!

It was bad enough that Chris was in a boyband, but one that crashed and burned as spectacularly as ' _Fametown_ '? That's gotta be emotionally scarring.

I'm sick of these little girl and boy groups. All they do is annoy me. Someone should be sent here to destroy them.

We continued to laugh for a good five minutes or so.

Then we laughed some more.

"I really admire the way you never let mockery get to you." Sierra continued. I'll have to add that in your obituary. I already have a draft. Wanna hear?"

She was babbling, not knowing that her words were having a bad effect on her idol.

The purple-haired girl didn't wait for a response. She cleared her throat and continued talking.

"Chris Maclean was born in 1978.-" Sierra started.

"That is it!" Chris shouted at the top of his lungs. "Zip it! Permanently! Argh!"

As the rest of us were agasp at the host's rage, a certain Latino smirked to himself.

I'll have to admit that I was impressed with Heather's strategy to ally with Sierra, the contestant that got along with Chris the best. I also admire Alejandro's strategy. It makes sense that Alejandro was after Sierra. Targeting her served two purposes. _One_ , she just made her biggest positive turn into a negative, and _two_ , it weakened one of Heather's potential allies. However, it was only a matter of time before Heather found out the truth.

Alejandro had whispered something to Sierra. Sierra then accidentally pissed Chris off in a bid to cheer him up. What a coincidence.

Why should I care? Two of my biggest enemies were at odds.

Now, on dry land, we all stood with our respective teams as Chris stood in front of a blackboard with a stick in hand.

We were now in Central Park, the most visited urban park in the United States. A family passing by recognized us and waved. Not too long after, another woman passed by and smiled, acknowledging our status as celebrities, even if small-time. This was in staunch comparison to Japan, where we were assaulted by a mob of huge fans.

"Holy crap." Owen said.

"What do we do?" Cody asked me.

"Just smile and wave, boys." I said. "Smile and wave."

"I really want to go to Coney Island." Owen said.

"As long as it's not _Boney_ Island." Leshawna said, shivering.

"Alright, focus, people!" The host said, clapping to get our attention.

"What are you gonna make us do now? Hike the Appalachian Trail?" Trent asked.

Cody let out a snicker, for this was a euphemism for having an affair.

Cody and I had just reformed our adorkable bond, and I wasn't about to let anybody break it.

"Welcome to the second half of the challenge: bobbing for big apples NYC style." Chris said.

He motioned to the blackboard. There were three squiggly lines colored yellow, red, and blue all leading to a big blue circle. There was another line going from the circle to a red heart.

"Teams must push their carriages along one of the three paths to Central Park's fabled Turtle Pond." Chris instructed. "There, one member of each team must bob for some very special apples. using only their mouths, No hands."

"Ooo. Kinky!" I said.

"Once they get it to shore, the rest of the team must load it into the carriages and race to the Finish Line in the heart of Central Park." Chris said, pointing to a big heart. "...and what's a baby carriage without a baby?"

"Oh, oh! A shopping cart!" Owen answered.

"It was a rhetorical question." The host bluntly said, unamused.

Owen, I admire your spirit.

"Chip, we're in New York and haven't even shopped yet." Lindsay said.

"...and? Your point is…?" Chris asked.

"I think _I_ should be the host, not you." Lindsay said. "I'm nicer and way better looking than you."

"Psh. As if." Chris scoffed.

"Oh, Chris." Sierra fawned. "That is so-"

"Zip it!" Chris shouted again, irate.

Meanwhile, Alejandro and Heather exchanged glances. The Latino wore a smug grin while the ravenhair was none too happy.

"One member of each team must ride in the carriage and stay there all the way to the Finish Line." Chris said.

"Cody!" All the girls on Team Amazon said, pointing to the geek.

"I'll do it." I said, volunteering for my team.

I wanted to show that I was a 'team player', whatever the heck _that_ means.

"I'll do it for Team Epic!" Lindsay said. "I love it when people call me 'baby'."

Not having to move a muscle while I get a free ride around Central Park? I'll take that offer. Plus, I'm skinny, so it won't take much effort on my team's part. I just needed to be on alert and make sure Heather didn't fiddle with our carriage like she did last time. Also, Leshawna didn't raise any arguments (for once).

"Entire team is babies!" Cody said in a thick Russian accent.

"I love it when people call me 'baby'." Lindsay said.

"Make a mental note of that bro." I said, nudging Tyler.

"...but I don't have a pen!" Tyler exclaimed.

Right, how could Tyler make a mental note when he was brainless?

"Team Epic got here first." Chris said. "So, _they_ get the shortest path to the pond."

He pointed to the yellow line, which was in the middle.

"Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot gets the longest path on the left, and Team Amazon gets the longest path on the right." He said, pointing to the blue and red lines respectively.

"Oh, _and_ a little traveling music, please?" Chris asked.

"It's always been a dream of mine to dance in New York City." Courtney said.

"I'm just a Broadway Baby!" Courtney sang. "Walking off my tired feet. Pounding Forty-Second Street. To be in a show. Oh…"

"Even old New York was once New Amsterdam." Cody said in a sing-song voice. "Why they changed it I can't say. People just liked it better that way."

"There's nothing you can't do. Now you're in New York." Leshawna said in a tune. "These streets will make you feel brand new. The lights will inspire you!"

" _Ugh. We get it. A lot of musicians have sung about New York. Can we please stop?"_

I would have said that aloud, but then I was afraid I would get replaced with someone else as baby.

"Nice try, Chris." Heather said. "We know we don't have to sing anymore."

"I know." Leshawna said. "I'm so thankful we're not really doing this music part every single time!"

"Fine. You can sing if you want." Chris said. "It's optional, but it's fun, huh? For me, at least? So, pretty please... with sugar on top. Sing the damn song."

"This isn't ' _The X Factor_ ', Chris." Gwen said. "No one cares about our singing."

"Gwen." Chris exclaimed. "Still able to maintain your quick wit and harsh tongue, I see. Come on, I even said 'please'."

"No dice." Gwen said.

"Fine." Chris grumbled." Chris said. "Oh, and one last thing. Guys, I'll have you know that our new system helps us allocate logistical synergy-based resources in over fifteen inter-dependent base clusters, creating a vortex of statistical momentum and creativity augmentation."

"What the heck is _that_ supposed to mean?" Trent asked.

"I don't know, but it sounds like some fancy mumbo-jumbo." Chris said. "Scientific crap, probably. Either way, it portrays me as a genius."

Sierra was about to open her mouth again, but held her tongue. Trent, on the other hand, did not.

"You're such a tool." He said.

Well, it takes one to know one.

"We're at the heart of a criminal empire, and you guys are gonna get Al Capowned!" Izzy exclaimed.

"We'll see about that, psycho hose beast!" Heather jeered, rubbing her hands together deviously.

"Now, move it!" Chris said. "We only have a permit to cordon off this section of the park for another hour!"

With that, the three teams were off on their respective paths.

"Follow the Yellow Brick Road!" DJ said.

I knew that our team was at a disadvantage compared to Team Epic, so we couldn't afford to dilly-dally.

"Let's go! Vroom, vroom!" Izzy said, pushing me way too fast.

"Slow down!" I yelled.

"Can't. Not unless we want to lose." Izzy said.

I think I had piqued Izzy's interest from the moment I entered The Island. It wasn't really in a romantic way, but more in a 'Hey, that guy over there looks really boring and defensive. Let's see if we can get him to do something exciting with us and make him open up and be our friend' sort of way.

We had covered some ground, but Owen and Leshawna were having trouble keeping up. The big guy most of all.

Of course, his interest piqued once he sensed the presence of food.

"Oh, pretzel stands for all us pretzel fans!" Owen exclaimed, running over to the stand and dropping a steaming snack into the carriage.

"Whoa! Hot, hot, hot!" I said, tossing it out. "What the heck, Owen?"

We apologized to the owner, who didn't mind much and went on our way.

We ran a little more (or in my case, remained sitting), but then Owen stopped us.

"Um, guys." Owen said.

"What!?"

"I have to pee."

"Not again!"

"Owen, if we lose the challenge because of this, I swear to God to vote you out with no hesitation." Leshawna said.

"Come on. It'll only be a minute." Owen said.

"Hey! Hey, you guys!" Owen said excitedly. "That room has some nifty little sinks we can wash up in, and look!" He took something out of his mouth. "Free mints!"

"Owen, that's a deodorizer block." I said, rather alarmed.

"A what?" Asked the big guy.

"It's what people pee on when they use the urinal." I answered.

"Oh. I got it at one of those neat little drinking spots. No wonder it tastes so salty."

"Eeeeeeew!" The rest of us exclaimed.

"Okay, guys, we seriously need to pick up the pace!" Leshawna said.

It was true. I felt like the other two teams are streets ahead of us.

Having nothing better to do, I reiterated the rules of the challenge to the rest of my team as a quick refresher before we encountered the final part.

We all had to follow the paths which Chris has assigned us (which we were currently doing), get to Turtle Pond, choose one member to go and retrieve an apple from the lake without using hands (kinky). The other members of the team must load the apple into their carriage and race to the finish line. Last one there is a rotten egg, and in really big trouble.

At last we made it to Turtle Pond, and from the looks of it, the other teams had made it only recently as well. I expected Team Epic to be here since they had the shortest path, but Team Amazon came as a surprise. I guess we wasted too much time.

"The other teams are here, too?" I thought you guys got the shortest path!" Leshawna told Lindsay, confused.

"Maybe, but our dancing took the longest to recover from." The blonde said.

Meanwhile, Trent didn't waste much time belittling my team for arriving last to Turtle Pond.

"Admit it. Your team's undergoing a slump, Noah." He said.

"Slump?" Owen asked. "We're not in a slump. We're just... not playing well."

"Hate to break it to you, but that's what a 'slump' is." Trent said.

"Hey, pick on someone your own tiny-baby size." Cody said from Team Amazon.

I really loathed Trent this season. Bad haircut, no dress sense, and a slight air of scumbag entitlement. It was the perfect recipe for an a-hole.

"Look at the size of them apples!" DJ exclaimed.

"What the haystack?" Leshawna exclaimed.

"Remember: No hands!" Chris said cheerfully.

He was standing next to Chef, who was also smiling.

Like I said before, kinky.

"No way." DJ said, shaking his head. "Animal curse, remember?"

"The only way to get over your fear is to face it , DJ." Bridgette said.

"Don't worry, Deej! I've totally got this, guys!" Tyler said to his team.

He then proceeded to faceplant into the pond in typical Tyler fashion. Poor Tyler, so desperate to prove yourself.

Meanwhile, our team was having trouble picking a diver.

"Nuh-uh. My hair." Leshawna said.

"I'm sorry. I seem to recall you saying 'I'm not losing this challenge 'cause you got your hair did.' back in season one." I told Leshawna. "What gives?"

"You're one to talk, turkey." Leshawna said coldly. "Bet you can't even swim with those scrawny arms of yours."

I knew this wasn't going to end well at all.

"Can I do it?" Owen asked, his stomach grumbling. "That apple looks tasty."

He licked his lips, making the rest of us uneasy.

"Too late, Big O!" Izzy said, jumping into the water.

I was a bit worried for the girl after she didn't surface for about a minute, but I finally exhaled when I saw her pop out.

So, three teens were trying to get apples for their teams. It was Tyler for Team Epic, Sierra for Team Amazon, and Izzy for Team Chris.

Only know did the other two 'babies' realize that a giant apple would be stacked atop them as they were wheeled to the Finish Line.

Meanwhile, Alejandro was frustrating Heather, who was growling. She had come to the conclusion that Alejandro had somehow manipulated Sierra into pissing Chris off, and the Queen Bee was probably scheming about how to get a leg up on the others in the final leg of this race.

I just had to make sure I was awake this time. The last time we did this challenge, I dozed off and was woken up by a frightened mother after being switched with her baby. I would later find out that Heather was the one who had switched the baby carriage I was in with a nearby _actual_ baby carriage. Nobody puts baby in a corner!

We all waited on our members to get the apples. Team Chris was down, but certainly not out. There was still a chance, and we were in with a fight.

We still had hope.

Maybe we could still win this.

* * *

Oh, boy. We are now 3/4ths of the way through and all three teams are still neck and neck. Just the way Chris and I like it.

Who will prevail? Who will fail? Find out on the next chapter, which could come out sooner than you think! ;)

Hope the Christmas update was worth the wait. Ciao! :D

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **The Amazonians –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [At Turtle Pond]

 **The Epicites –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler [At Turtle Pond]

 **The Chrises –** Leshawna, Izzy, Owen, Noah [At Turtle Pond]

 ** _Drop of Shame –_** Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold


	19. Big Apples to Apples

Happy 2017 everybody! My gift to you guys is not one, but TWO new chapters for this New Year!

Greetings loyal fans, reviewers, and Total Drama diehards! Thank you for patiently continuing to follow me. It's been one year since I started this story and we're unfortunately only in New York. Hopefully that should change now and updates will flow by quicker. It's time for a whole new year worth of stories and chapters. I am now primed and ready!

* * *

 **\- Chapter xix -**

* * *

 **Destination 4 (Part Four) – Big Apples to Apples**

 **Current Venue:** Turtle Pond

 **Geographical Location:** New York City, New York [United States of America]

* * *

All the teams were cheering on their apple-fetchers. Tyler was the first to get to an apple, and then began blowing it for some reason. Tyler, you blew it by blowing it!

"It's not working!" He shouted at his team.

"Come on, man! Use your head!" Alejandro said.

"I don't want to use my head!" The jock wailed.

"Do it, Tyler." Heather said. "It's not like you'll suffer any more brain damage than you already have at present!"

Tyler then began beating his head repeatedly against the apple, the same way I beat my head repeatedly against the wall whenever someone makes a stupid claim.

"Ahem." Courtney said to Heather, clearing her throat. "Perhaps we should focus on _our_ own team."

"Yes." Heather curtly replied, eyeing the other teams. "Perhaps we should."

Just then, a turtle jumped up on Tyler's back.

"Ah! Turtle! Get it off!" He yelped.

Before long, he was surrounded by many snapping turtles that all lunged at him.

"It's called ' _Turtle_ Pond' for a reason, bro." Chris said, smirking as the rest of us winced at the jock's predicament.

"Come on, Izzy!" I said, not wanting our team to be left out.

"I'll do it in a New York minute, Noah Boa!" Izzy said, increasing her pace.

Meanwhile, Sierra went up to an apple, dived underwater, and balanced it on her head.

"Go Sierra!" Gwen said.

"Hurry!" Courtney said.

"You are so _weird_." Cody said, pointing out the obvious.

"Guys! Chris is making us dive for _big apples_ in the _Big Apple_. Get it?" Owen asked, chuckling to himself.

"Took you long enough." I said.

"Quick!" Alejandro said to Tyler. "We're barely in the lead!"

"Hurry the hell up, Tyler!" Trent said.

At last, the boy made it to shore. Alejandro grabbed the team's apple and placed it in their carriage.

DJ fished out the jock in the red track suit.

"To the Finish Line!" Alejandro said.

A turtle then bit Tyler in the butt.

"Let me get that." DJ said, taking it off. "Okay, Mr. Nibbles. Back to your home!"

The boy tossed the turtle in the water, but a larger snapping turtle surfaced and ate it.

"No!" The buff boy wailed. "Whyyyyy!?"

"Because you're cuuuuursed! That's why!" Trent said, mocking him. "Now, let's go."

"Izzy, get the apple, quick!" Leshawna said. "They're getting away!"

"Okie-dokie-lokie, Shawny!" The redhead said.

She quickly bit the stem of the apple and began paddling back. She passed Sierra along the way, too.

Leshawna quickly grabbed the apple and slammed it on me, and words could not explain the pain that caused. Still, I didn't want to lose so I resisted complaining.

"Hurry!" Heather yelled to her team as Sierra got onto land.

It was now a straight up footrace to the Finish Line at the heart of Central Park. We could still catch Team Epic if we went fast enough, but the Amazons were hot on our trail.

I knew it was going to be close, but I wasn't that good with moral support, so the only things I said were "Run quicker", "Speed up", and "Pick up the pace".

As we raced from point A to B again, I had time to think. I felt like our culture is what made us all the same. No one is truly unique anymore. We all want the same things. Individually, we are nothing.

It didn't take as long as we took to get from the starting point to Turtle Pond. At last, we finally made it… but in second place. Chris was sitting next to Chef at the park fountain. Team Epic had finished just in front of us, and was about to celebrate winning the challenge when-

"Lindsay regressed into a baby!" Izzy said, looking at their carriage which now contained an infant in it.

"Wait." Tyler said. "This isn't our carriage!"

"No Lindsay means no first place." Chris said.

"We have to go back!" Alejandro said, aggravated.

Team Epic left, miffed at their costly goof-up.

What? How did-? Oh! Instead of me getting the old switcheroo, it was Lindsay. Heather, you sly vixen, you!

Speaking of Heather, here she came now. Team Amazon arrived with Cody in their carriage and the apple on top of them. They cheered, presumably at the fact that they wouldn't be sending someone home tonight.

Then, Team Epic made it back with their actual carriage.

"What? We lost?" Alejandro asked.

"Wait! I'm confused." Lindsay spoke from her carriage.

"Me too!" Tyler added.

"Me most!" Owen agreed.

Chris cleared his throat, preparing to announce the results.

"... and the winner of the New York challenge is… Team… I Am Really Really Really Hot!" The host said.

This announcement caused all of us to cheer. At last we got some much-needed respite. For the first time, we wouldn't have to sit in Economy Class on the way to the next location. This was the first challenge we actually managed to win as a team. Things were finally looking up for me and my team.

"Aw, yeah! We won the challenge!" Owen exclaimed as we all exchanged high fives.

Izzy then pulled me into a tight hug, which really caught me off guard. I really had no option but to return it, but I then realized what was happening, and, for some reason, thoughts of what Matt had said to me started to flood my mind.

I managed to quickly shake it off, figuring it was the heat of the moment. After all, our losing streak was finally over. Fortunately, Gwen didn't seem to think much of it.

"Team Amazon, congrats on _not_ coming in last." Chris said.

This prompted some cheers, though it was clear they intended to win. Heather grinned at Alejandro and stuck her tongue out. The charmer nodded and acknowledged defeat.

"... _and..._ Team Epic, you're facing elimination for the second time." Chris said, causing some of the members to look down dejectedly. "...but… you won't have to go through with it because _this_ is really a reward challenge! Sike."

Now their frowns turned upside down, with some (like Tyler) even cheering at not having to face the prospect of elimination.

It was Alejandro's turn to gloat now, as the ladies' man blew Heather a kiss. The ravenhair reacted exactly as one would expect. She snarled and haughtily disregard th Latino by turning her nose up at him.

"The time has come for us to travel to the next exciting destination." Chris said. "Let's go!"

With that, we began boarding our plane. However, someone held me back. Surprise, surprise. It was Alejandro.

"So is you stopping me just before I enter the plane going to be a regular thing?" I asked with derision.

"Noah! Why would you ask such a thing?" He asked. "I just want to congratulate you on your victory."

"Sure." I said. "You think you know me, don't you?"

"I've read enough." He answered.

"Right, well, do you know how much I've read about you?" I asked the man, before whispering the answer in his ear. "Nothing."

"Ah, but not for long amigo. Soon enough, I'll be the only thing you'll hear about." He said, flashing a devious grin. "Keep up the good work."

He patted me on the back and went to board the plane. I boarded afterward, not knowing why he kept alternating personalities when talking to me.

I decided not to think about it too much and savor our victory. At last, the rule of the mighty Amazons had come to an end. It was _us_ who had managed to slay them. Needless to say, we were ecstatic, overjoyed, and on cloud nine.

"Wow. We managed to pull ourselves together and actually win a challenge for a change!" Leshawna said, pumped up.

"Woohoo! No more sore butts after sitting on those hard wooden planks!" Owen said as we both fist-bumped.

"Yeah!" I cheered in a rare show of emotion.

Gwen noticed this and came over to me.

"So, you finally won for a change. Congrats." She said.

"Aw. Is someone a little soggy that they got knocked down a peg?" I asked.

"Yeah, right." Gwen said, playfully punching me on the shoulder. "Oops. Sorry if I broke any bones."

"Hardy har har." I said, trying to avoid showing the amount of pain I was in.

We then kissed. I don't know how we both coincided in our thinking. I guess there was an emotional cue at the back of our minds that always managed to match up with perfect synchronization.

This time was different. Something was off, and I just didn't feel like it, so I pulled away quickly.

"What's wrong?" Gwen asked.

I noticed Cody sitting at another table, and I guess my girlfriend did, as well.

"Oh. Is he still mad at you?" Gwen asked.

"No." I said. 'At least, not that I know of."

"Maybe you should talk to him." Gwen said, leaving the scene.

Gwen was right but in a different way. It was time to build up my circle so I could be prepared when the inevitable occurred.

I couldn't keep the information that I knew bottled with myself, and now would be the best time to divulge it, when it was still fresh in my mind.

"Hey, sport. How you doin'?" I asked him.

"Okay, I guess." He said. "Almost got eaten by a gator, fell into Lady Liberty's bosom. It's all good."

Hm. Turns out he didn't care about Gwen and me being together after all. Or, if he _did_ , he was good at hiding it.

"Relatable." I said. "After all, Total Drama isn't a matter of life and death."

"You're right. It's much more serious than that." Cody said.

"Alright, I'll cut to the chase." I said, trying to keep my voice down. "Don't you think it's weird how Sierra just started ripping off random facts about Chris McLean halfway through the challenge?"

"Well, she _is_ Chris's self-proclaimed biggest fan." Cody said.

"True, but notice how mad Chris was getting at Team Amazon as a whole." I said. "One more random fact and he might have ended the contest right there, declaring Team Amazon the losers."

"Wow. Chris probably _would_ do something like that." Cody said. "Hopefully it'll teach Sierra to keep her mouth shut. Hell, we probably would have voted Sierra out anyway if this was an elimination challenge, which would've been _fine_ by me."

"No, man. You're missing the point." I said. "I don't think Sierra could do all that willingly. I have reason to believe she was… tricked."

"Tricked?" Cody asked, raising an eyebrow. "So, you're saying that someone's been playing an intricate game and made pawns of all of us."

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

I actually had massive respect for the Pawn. The Pawn is the soul of chess. Pawns are the very life of the game. They alone form the attack and the defense; and their good or bad situation affects the gain or loss of the party.

"You don't think Heather did it, do you?" Cody asked, bringing me back from my thoughts. "Why would she switch carriages, then? Sierra was tricked by _who_?"

"By _whom_." I corrected him.

"Noah, though I appreciate your English lessons, this really isn't the time for-"

It was right then that the girl we were talking about came up to us.

"Hey, Cody!" Sierra said, smiling from ear to ear.

"Oh, Sierra, hey." Cody said, somewhat uncomfortable. "Hey, listen, I hope you're feeling better about our little talk earlier today. You know, about us just being friends and all..."

"Huh? Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm fine." Sierra said. "Hey, look, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me, so… I baked you a pie!"

The girl brought out a pie from behind her back and handed it to the geek.

"Really? For me? Thanks!" Cody said happily.

"Oh, don't mention it." Sierra insisted. "I'm just glad that you got the chance to eat my cooking."

"Oh, wow! Hey, that looks delicious!" Cody said, taking a bite from a slice. "Mmm. Oh, this is good. What's in there?"

"Well, there's some apples, some cinnamon," Sierra explained. "...my hair..."

Um… that last part…

Cody ceased eating the pie immediately and stared at Sierra uncomfortably. I cringed.

"Um...what?" he questioned.

"My hair is in that pie, Cody." Sierra spoke calmly as she leaned in closer to Cody's face. "Now it's inside you. Part of me is inside of you, Cody."

She leaned even closer to Cody and stared right into his eyes, one of which was now twitching. Unbeknownst to her, she was completely creeping him out.

Awkward...

"Do you feel me, Codykins? Do you feel me inside of you?" Sierra asked as the geek gagged.

Can you say "Cringeworthy"?

Sierra then patted Cody on the head and left to go to the restroom. The rest of us stared at her with wide eyes as she walked away. Our eyes then turned to Cody, who looked as though he had just seen a ghost.

The boy choked on his food and spit it out.

"Oh, you poor white boy." Leshawna said.

"Um… you guys all heard that, right? It wasn't just me?" Bridgette asked. She, too, was freaked out by what had just happened.

"Wow. Okay, 'That awkward moment when' wouldn't even _begin_ to describe what just happened." I said.

When Sierra was out of sight, DJ took the pie away from Cody and set it on a table.

Cody was a bright young boy. 'Tell me if you like _Settlers of Catan_ or _Monopoly_ more, and I'll tell you what kind of person you are.', he had once said to me. From that moment, I knew we would get along well and be the best of friends. It really sucked to see him like this.

At that point, Heather entered from the cockpit. She hadn't been paying attention to what had gone down and saw the plate.

"Oh, you got some pie, huh?" Heather asked. "Good! I was getting hungry!"

The girl grabbed the bowl and began eating the contents of the pie.

"Mm! This is really good!" She said. "I just wish I had some cool whip to go along with it. Pie tastes better with cool whip."

"You're eating hair!" Gwen informed her.

Heather immediately spat out the pie in her mouth.

'How is that even possible?" Bridgette asked.

"Never question the Rule of Creepy." Cody said, shuddering.

"What?" I asked.

"TV Tropes." He answered. "Anyway, I knew I shouldn't have eaten that pie." The boy rubbed his stomach. "My Spider-sense was tingling."

"Your _what_ was doing _what_?" Bridgette asked.

"Attention, Team I Am Super-Duper Flaming Totally Frickin' Hot, report to the Loser Room immediately!" Chris said over the intercom.

"Loser Room?" Owen asked quizzically.

"That's my cue." I said, preparing to follow Leshawna, Izzy, and Owen into the room of doom.

"Hello guys, and welcome to the Elimination Chamber. Brought to you by Carl's Junior." Chris said.

"Uh… right." Leshawna said.

We all went in and took a seat, with the other three still clueless as to why exactly we were sitting here.

"I'm the host of the show. Brought to you by Carl's Junior." Chris said.

"Okay…" I said.

"Can you tell us why we're in the Elimination Room after _winning_ the day's challenge?" Leshawna asked, ticked off.

"Why, to give you your reward, of course!" Chris said, motioning to three giant apples. "Three apples. Brought to you by Carl's Junior."

"Why do you keep saying that?" I asked him.

"Because they pay me every time I do. It's a really good way to make money." Chris said. "Heck, if you're so smart, why don't you know that?"

"Right. I should have known." I said.

"As the winners of this challenge, Team I Am Super Hot Fire gets to keep or dump the prizes contained in the apples." Chris said. "So, have at it, kiddos!"

The host tossed us a giant wooden mallet, which Leshawna took.

However, it was Owen who got up first and smashed a big apple with his fist, exposing the candy inside.

"Leave some for the rest of us, yo." Leshawna said.

"Sure! Of course, I will! No problemo!" Owen said, stuffing his pockets with more and more candy.

"I get the next one. Called it!" Izzy said.

She lunged at another apple and sliced and diced it to shreds using only her fingernails.

Inside apple number two, there was… more apples.

"How do you like them apples?" Izzy asked.

"A meat grinder? Is this some kind of joke?" Leshawna asked.

"Wait! Don't!" I said, getting up out of my seat and running over to stop her.

I was lucky I didn't get a muscle cramp on my leg at the speed which I got up.

"I think Chris gave us this reward for a reason. No harm in keeping it." I said.

Leshawna huffed.

"Fine." She said,

"Will Leshawna ever manage to earn the respect of her teammates?" Chris asked the imaginary audience.

"Chris, I'm right here, fool!" Leshawna said. "Don't make me get the whoopin' on you!"

Chris ignored her and stared at the camera.

"Find out next time on… Total… Drama… World Tour!" The host yelled.

Our hard work, suffering, and humiliation in these challenges had only served to line the pockets of corrupt businessmen and women that were running this program. I wish we could all get a cut of the prize money, but where's the fun in that? For now, we would have to be content with our rewards.

"Congratulations, guys. I feel proud of you for winning." Chris said.

I was shocked at the host's praise.

"It's like you've brought pride to the 'Chris' name. You are Chris's team."

Oh. There you go, being self-conceited again.

"You guys are like my very own 'C-Men'!"

Yuck!

"Never call us that again, please." I said.

"Why not? ...Oh. Okay." Chris said, embarrassed. "You are free to leave."

So, leave we did. Of course, I barely got any credit for being the baby. Imagine if Heather had switched _our_ carriage instead of Team Epic's. Well, I guess when you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.

Deciding now was as good a time as any, I went into the Confessional.

"So… Chris was in a boy band." I said once inside. This immediately caused me to laugh as images of Chris dressed as a boy band member crept into my head.

After about five minutes of laughter, I finally cleared my throat.

"Ahem. _Anyways,_ we won the challenge for once. That should bring a much-needed change of pace around here. I, for one, welcome our new seating arrangements. As for what Chris may have planned, I don't want to talk about it. I think it's best if we just have to take it one challenge at a time. As of now, everything is going according to plan."

I tilted my head back and let loose maniacal laughter. "Muahahahaha!"

"... Uh… I mean… whatever. I'm outta here."

I quickly exited the room and closed the Confessional door. To be honest, I'd done way more embarrassing things on this show. I was about to leave to First Class for the first time (well, _legally_ , anyway), when Trent came up to me.

"I know you had something to do with our carriages getting mixed up." The boy said to me.

"Really? _Of course_ , I did it. No doubt about it." I said in a deadpan voice, eyeing him dead on.

Sarcasm, because kicking the crap out of someone is illegal.

"I won't stop until you're out of this game, Noah." Trent said. "You better say every prayer you've ever heard before, kid, because you just made a powerful enemy."

"Really? I like to have powerful enemies." I replied. "Makes me feel important."

He just narrowed his eyes and signified that he was watching my every move before heading off to the back of the plane.

"Enjoy Economy Class!" I called after him.

I knew no amount of convincing could make him change his mind about me, so I decided to just wait it out. It wouldn't be long before he was voted out for being a blabbering idiot.

Trent was a grade A jerk, sure, but at least he wasn't hiding it. _Alejandro_ on the other hand was much more subtle in his hatred. The villains that appear to be nice then trick you are the ones I hate the most.

First Class was classy as hell, and I wasn't going to waste a minute of it. Plus, we were having cheese pizza for dinner. Today was a good day.

At least until Izzy came up and forcibly inserted candy into my mouth.

"Izzy! I'm allergic to peanuts!" I said, falling to the ground.

"Noah! Noah, get up!" Izzy said, worriedly nudging me.

I just lied on the ground, moaning. After a couple minutes, I finally got up.

"These candies don't even have nuts. Gotcha." I said, snickering.

"I thought you were dead!" Izzy shouted as I swiped some candy from her. "Don't ever do that ever again! That wasn't funny!"

"Oh, yes it was." I cackled back, popping one of the candy pieces into my mouth. "I got you good."

Her response was, of course, to tackle me.

"Oh, you're gonna get it!" Izzy said, frustrated.

"Whoa!" Owen said, looking at the two of us acting like infants.

The large teen picked us up by the backs of our shirt collars and held us out at arm's length in either direction.

"Aw, please don't fight, guys." Owen said rather awkwardly. "I really don't like having to choose sides between my girlfriend and my little buddy."

" _He_ started it!" Izzy said, pointing a finger at me accusingly.

"Did not!" I said.

"Yo! Keep it down over there, please!" Leshawna said. I noticed she was wearing an eye-mask. "Some of us are trying to sleep."

"Izzy, I think it's past your bedtime." Owen said.

"What? I'm not even tired." Izzy said, letting out a yawn. "Alright. Good night, you two!"

As the girls went off to sleep, I was left with Owen.

"What's better than roses on your piano?" I asked the food-lover.

"Hm… I don't know." Owen said after thinking for a bit.

"Tulips on your organ." I said, snickering.

"That's not even- oh! Ha! Nice." Owen said.

We were silent for a while before the big guy opened his mouth again.

"So… where do you think our travels take us next?" He asked me.

"Owen, you're starting to sound like Chris. Just enjoy the victory." I said.

"Okay. Good night, little buddy." Owen said.

"Good night, big boy." I said,

I was as yet unsure if this season was a poisoned chalice or a blessing in disguise.

My team had won the challenge and the reward that came along with it, and I barely had to lift a finger to help. Team Chris was on the up and up. Plus, tomorrow, I'm going to implement phase one of my plan to eliminate Alejandro into action. A war was brewing, and I need to prepare myself. As of now, I was pretty content. Everything is going according to plan.

Babies don't sleep this well.

* * *

So everyone lives to compete for another day. Yay!

As a one-year anniversary present, I've decided to publish the first part of the next location as well. We've got Germany next, people! A double update? Say it ain't so! :)

Now, onto the next chapter, part of this completely nutritious New Year's Special! :D

* * *

 _ **Vote List**_

Not applicable (Reward Challenge).

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **The Amazonians –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [Third Place, Economy Class

 **The Epicites –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler [Second Place, Economy Class]

 **The Chrises –** Leshawna, Izzy, Owen, Noah [First Place, First Class]

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold


	20. Ger Many Problems

Total Drama © 2007 - 2017 Fresh TV, Teletoon, Cartoon Network, Neptoon Studios, and Cake Entertainment. All rights reserved.

* * *

Hello and welcome to the second portion of this New Year's extravaganza. I look forward to spending another year with you all! :D

* * *

 **\- Chapter xx -**

* * *

 **Destination 5 (Part One) – Ger Many Problems**

 **Current Venue:** Jumbo Jet, Dining Area

 **Geographical Location:** [N/A]

* * *

As I sat at the breakfast table this morning, my mind flashed back to some words that were exchanged the previous night, right at this very table.

-X-

" _Gentlemen, welcome to the meeting. I'm glad you all could make it." Alejandro said to two figures enshrouded in darkness._

 _"I'll get right to it. We all know a certain bookworm has been a thorn in our sides." The Latino continued._

" _What do you propose?" Trent asked, stepping out of the shadows._

" _It's simple." Alejandro said. "We eliminate Noah."_

" _If it's so 'simple', why haven't you done it already?" Trent asked._

" _If you're good at something, never do it for free." Alejandro replied._

" _What do you want from us?" Tyler asked, revealing the second person being addressed._

" _Your undying allegiance, voting for whomever I tell you to, and... extra servings of food."_

" _You're crazy." Trent said. Well, he would know._

" _I'm not. No, I'm not." Alejandro said, firmly denying. "If we don't deal with this now, soon, uh, little 'Tyler' here, won't be able to escape elimination if his life depended on it."_

" _Okay, I've heard enough from you!" Tyler said._

" _Why the hell should I trust you?" Trent asked. "As far as I know, you could be even worse than Noah!"_

" _Alright, so listen." Alejandro said. "Why don't you talk to me again when you want to take things a little more... seriously? You know where to find me."_

-X-

With that, the Spaniard left to sleep, and so did I. Why was he carrying a vendetta against me? I may never know, and it might not matter.

The only reason I had overheard them was because I had to go pee in the middle of the night. I was like a fly on the wall and had listened to it all.

If I had uttered so much as a peep, I could not have avoided detection. Of course, I didn't know if Tyler and Trent _accepted_ Alejandro's request, but I needed to be ready in case they did.

I knew he would try his hardest to make my team lose, and after our first win, too. We shouldn't ever rest after our first victory, because if we fail in the second, there are a bunch of people waiting to say the first victory was just luck. I had to prove that this victory was no flash in the pan.

This is what brought me to today as I sat at the breakfast table, munching on cereal and waiting for a certain someone.

At that moment, someone emerged from Economy Class.

"I got your note." Cody said to me, holding up a piece of paper with 'MEET ME AT THE DINING AREA' scrawled over it.

"Great." I said.

"Yeah. I woke up with Sierra's thumb in my mouth and it took a while to get the taste out. Yuck!"

"Ugh." I said, trying to get the image out of my head.

"So, what did you want to hold a meeting for?" Cody asked.

"No. We're not meeting." I said. "We are just two people who happen to be sitting at the same table eating breakfast at the same time. So, why don't you pour yourself a bowl and sit down?"

"Ah. Got it." Cody winked.

He got his food and quietly sat down, drumming his fingers on the table for a bit.

"It's regarding Alejandro." I piped up.

"I knew it! I knew there was something up with that guy!" Cody exclaimed, shooting up out of his seat. "I fear no man, but that… _thing_ … it scares me."

"Keep your tone down." I said. "I tried telling you yesterday, but- hey, listen, if anyone asks, you didn't hear about this from me."

Cody paused to look around.

"He's not here, is he?" Asked the geek.

"No." I said. "I made sure to check that they'd already ate breakfast. Look, Alejandro is trying to team up with Trent and Tyler to kick me off the show."

"Hm." Cody tapped his chin. " _Trent_ , I expected, since you took his girlfriend and all, but _Tyler_?"

"Baffles me, too." I said. "They might be giants, but they're going down."

"Whoa! There's the Noah we all know and love." Cody said.

"Yep. Been a long time gone."

"So, what's the plan, chief? We have to tell the others, right?" Cody asked.

The geek was all too eager to get out of his seat and inform other people, but I pulled him back.

"Easy there, killer." I said, ordering him to stay. "You think I haven't tried that already? Let's not go out there pointing the finger at him just yet."

"Why not? He's going to get people eliminated if we don't get rid of him!"

"Evidence, Cody. Lack of insufficient evidence. As with Heather on The Island, we're going to need some cold, hard, solid proof to bring him down. Just hold on before you start making unsubstantiated claims. It's not going to be easy, but we need to develop a strategy to get rid of him."

"Them's fightin' words."

"That they are." I said. "The problem is that I think he realizes that I'm onto him. He could target me next if that's the case. If you work with me, you're at risk of elimination too."

"Aw, crap. Didn't think of that."

"Now you see our dilemma." I said. "He knows too much."

"How do you want to play this?" Cody asked. "You don't think that people will believe us if we told them?"

"Cody, let me explain something to you." I said. "Think of this whole competition as a giant chessboard. Right now, Alejandro is the King. If you try to go for him now while he's still well-guarded, you'll only end up hurting your own chances at the game. Got it?"

"Ah, yes. Nice analogy." Cody complimented.

"Even the slightest miscalculation could cause us to be out of the game." I continued. "If we're going to expose Alejandro, which is our aim, then we have to lure him out of his comfort zone one step at a time. You want to leave him unguarded and open to attack from all flanks. Then, when you've got him to the point that he's so far away from his zone that there's no way he can go back…the only result will be-"

"Checkmate." Cody concluded.

"That's the endgame." I said. "We need to focus on the now. Now, we need to shake him up a bit."

"I get your point." The tech-geek replied. "How are we going to lure Alejandro out into the open and expose him, though?"

"That part could be tough." I admitted. "He's a complex Al-gorithm to figure out, no question about it. This guy's always planning his next move, so I've got to respect him for that. Plus, it might be a little tough when he's still got his pawns...or should I say ' _Queens_ '?"

"You have to be unpredictable." The technology geek said. "Let him think he's in charge to throw him off. Then, right when he least expects it… wham!"

"Let him think he's in control, huh?" I mused. "Good idea. I'll work on it."

"I think it's high time we conducted a rigorous investigation on our little _newcomer_ , here." Cody said.

"Yes." I said. "Remember, the key to strategy is not to choose a path to victory, but to choose so that _all_ paths lead to a victory."

"A Xanatos Gambit." Cody said.

"Exactly." I said. "Now, I've enjoyed this breakfast that I had with you by total chance occurrence, but I've got to go."

"Yes, what a random, unarranged, arbitrary, unplanned event." Cody said. "Food was good. Going now."

With that, we both headed back to our respective areas of the plane. I smirked, satisfied that I was able to pull this off without a hitch.

Total Drama was a game of elimination, deception, lying, and mass hysteria. If one could figure out how to hit the correct points and push the right buttons, they were well on track to victory.

That's what I was trying to do. Everything was almost in place. I just had to figure out the last piece of the puzzle to set all the wheels in motion.

I sat with the rest of my team, enjoying the luxuries of First Class. I admit that I would have preferred winning an elimination challenge over a reward challenge. The fact that no one would be sent home regardless kind of dampens the victory. Even _Owen_ was upset.

"Five episodes in and already two eliminations. If we were meat, we would be a tiny slice of baloney." He said, dismayed.

"Ugh. Just talking about meat reminds me of that dumb pile of nuts and bolts that _Noah_ _here_ forced us to keep." Leshawna said.

"It was a reward. We kept it. I don't see the problem." I said, raising my arms up in defense.

"Turbulence!" We heard Chris shout into the loudspeaker from the front of the plane.

Fortunately, being in First Class, we couldn't really feel the effects. Our seats only bobbed up and down a bit. I could only imagine what those in Economy were going through.

I looked out the window and saw a familiar sight.

"Whoa! Aren't those The Alps?" I asked rhetorically.

Of course, they were. The German Alps consisted of several mountain ranges of the Northern Limestone Alps in the German state of Bavaria and lay between the rivers Lech and Saalach. What this meant was we had arrived at our fifth destination.

"Please return your seats back to their full upright and locked position." A female voice told us.

I guess that voice was pre-recorded to say that sentence to tell the people in First Class that they were close to reaching the next location.

"Achtung, mein wiener schnitzels!" Chris said over the intercom. "In preparation for landing, please unbuckle your seatbelts and head to the Cargo Hold."

"Oh, we're in Belgium!" Owen exclaimed. "I always wanted to taste their waffles."

"No, we're not, you moron!" Leshawna said. "Now, come on. Let's head out."

It was only when we reached the Cargo Hold that I realized how crowded it was.

The Jumbo Jet had become a living thing, wet inside from so many people sweating and breathing. There were so many people moving, the plane moved. Planet Chris. I had to hug the walls, trapped inside this clockwork of space monkeys. All of them were talking, working, and sleeping in teams.

I glared at Alejandro, who glared right back. He and I were at opposite ends of the spectrum. He was an amicable, buff teenager who was charming and popular with everyone. I was the cynical outcast who preferred isolation and had a love of books.

He was the life of the party.

I detested parties.

He came over to me. Right on cue.

"Tonight, the part of the villain will be played by a tall, dark, sinister, and greedy man." I narrated.

"I know you think I'm greedy." Alejandro said. "I honestly don't see what's wrong. You see, Noah, 'greed', for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, money, love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind."

"Ugh. Whatever." I said, not interested in his spiel. "There's been so much vitriolic rhetoric between us. Can't we just cool it and play fair? I won't get in your way if you don't get in mine."

"Fat chance. Don't think you've escaped, amigo." Alejandro said. "I can't let you stay. If I do, you'll establish a firm foothold in this game. No, I won't be sitting in Economy Class after this challenge. I shall make you suffer, you, you... _maricon_."

Hm… Where have I heard that word before?

Aw, _hell_ naw! No, no, no! He can't be serious. This was the last frickin' straw!

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I snapped. "I don't know what you've read about me on the internet, and I know I kissed Cody's ear, but that doesn't make me _gay_!"

It took me a while to realize he didn't mean it in the literal sense, but by then, all eyes were on me and I didn't know what to say.

Holy sheet!

Almost immediately, Trent burst out laughing.

"You just told everyone one of your deepest, darkest secrets!" The guitarist said, chuckling. "You must be so embarrassed!"

"You… and Cory?" Lindsay asked.

Drat! All eyes were on the two of us, and I had no idea what to tell these people. Several alarms went off in my head. Red alert! Red alert! Danger! Abort life! Abort life!

"Wow. Even _I_ didn't know about this." Sierra said. "I'll have to add it to my blogs."

"Um… I mean… it was back in school. Not with him, someone else." I stammered. "It was accidental! I mean-"

"What's the matter, Noah? Cat got your tongue?" Alejandro asked.

Dammit, I felt like Owen. I was so tongue-tied that I wished a black hole would open up beneath my feet and suck me up right then and there.

"Okay, we're at the Cargo Hold, Chris." Leshawna said, changing the subject. "Now, what?"

Thanks to Leshawna, I almost got my wish. Chris complied as the door below us opened up and we all plummeted towards the ground.

"Well, that's a fine way to land in a country." I grumbled, brushing the snow out of my hair.

"Oh, so _this_ is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps." Cody said.

Much to my confusion, despite the fact that I fell first, Izzy managed to hit the ground before I did.

"What, did you sign your soul over to the Master of Gravity or something?" I asked her.

" _Mistress_ of Gravity." Izzy said, correcting me. "She doesn't like being called a guy, okay?"

"... Right."

I tried not to giggle too much at the sight of Alejandro being squished by Leshawna.

"Hi, Daryl." Lindsay said to Tyler.

What I also found amusing was Tyler's attempts to refresh Lindsay's memory. I would have tried to help the poor guy, but I figured I'd caused enough problems already.

"You must have me confused with someone else." The blonde said to the sporto. "The only guy I was ever into on the show was Tyler, and he's never coming back."

Wow, Tyler. Hate to be you right now.

"So… what happened with your sudden outburst back there?" Gwen asked me.

Aw, crap.

"Um… nothing." I said.

I change my mind. Tyler, I would _love_ to be you right now.

"You can tell me. I won't judge."

"Tell you what? I'm a zero on the Kinsey scale. I assure you that much." I said.

"Right… Come on. Don't be shy." Gwen said.

"What? Don't tell me you've never kissed a girl before."

"I haven't."

"... Oh. Well, you should." I said. "That'd be kind of hot."

"Shut up." She said, slugging me on the shoulder.

I was enjoying being with Gwen. It was a shame that my time with her had to end.

The World Tour trichotomy had really screwed things up. Instead of just one team to look out for, there were two, and one could never decide which was worse. Did I hate Alejandro and his gang of nitwits more than Heather and the batch of annoying ladies? Only time would tell.

At that point, Chris hovered above us using a parachute and a giant fan.

"To avoid a potentially fatal tumble down the mountain, and a sucktacular climb back up, you'd better stay quiet."Chris said.

"Guten tag, und willkommen nach Deutschland A.K.A. 'Germany'." Chris said quietly.

Sweet. One of the German words that I really like is 'kugelschreiber'. That means 'pen'. All those syllables just for 'pen'.

"We're in avalanche territory, so you might wanna keep it down." Chris said.

"What? There's a sale at the Khaki Barn? Aaaaaaah!" Lindsay squealed, causing a nearby chunk of snow to fall down.

Cody and Tyler quickly covered her mouth to prevent any more outbursts.

"I used to know a girl named Nikki who worked at a place called 'The Khaki Barn'." Gwen said. "She was kind of like me in some ways. Small world."

"Yes, Gwen. That world would be much better if you and I were together." Trent said.

"Wow. Real smooth." Gwen said, rolling her eyes.

Alejandro was chatting with Leshawna about something, and Heather was eyeing them both suspiciously. I decided not to bother with them and instead focus on making people keep their traps shut.

"Guys, I have to fart." Owen said.

"Keep it down, Owen." I said.

"Please yell." Heather said. "With the rest of you out of commission, I can win the loot."

"Wait till you're voted out for being such a _lout_." Gwen said.

"Yeah. I'll dance a jig when Chris shoves you out the plane." Courtney said tiptoeing with her hands up in the air.

All this caused Bridgette to giggle.

"You see, Leshawna, when you don't hold back and lead the pack, truly there is nothing stopping you." I heard Alejandro say.

Nope. Nothing sketchy going on over there.

"A little snow never hurt anybody." DJ said.

"Yeah, but a lot can kill you." I said, causing the big guy to flinch.

Meanwhile, Tyler could only stand depressed as his girlfriend eyed him curiously.

"Wait. I finally get it!" Lindsay said, her head flooded with memories. "You're Tyler, right? You came back!"

The blonde then went and hugged the boy, whose frown turned into a wide smile.

"You remember me?" Tyler asked, to which Lindsay nodded.

"She remembers me!" Tyler shouted, causing some more snow to fall.

"Shut the hell up, Tyler!" Heather said.

"Tyler, you zounderkite!" Gwen scolded.

"Psh. I don't get what the big deal is." Trent said. "You babies can't handle a little snow?"

"I can't believe it!" Tyler exclaimed.

"No, no, no, no, nooo!" I tried to warn Tyler before he screamed out in ecstasy.

"Yeeeeeessssssss!" Tyler exclaimed, jumping into the air overjoyed.

Too late. The sporto had belted the last words so loud that it caused the whole mountain to rumble.

Well, this seemed painfully familiar.

Suddenly, all the snow started to slide down the mountain, picking up more and more and turning into a full-on avalanche. A landslide of astronomical proportions was headed straight for us.

"Everybody break for it!" Chris said, flying off.

"It's the sound of doom!" Izzy exclaimed. "Yay!"

We all sprinted from the disaster as fast as possible. All of us except for one guy, that is.

"That's right. You better run from me!" Trent taunted us all, unaware of the danger. "I'm a force to be…"

He then turned around and noticed the huge mound of snow heading towards him.

"… reckoned… with?" Trent asked.

The giant snowy avalanche was descending upon him, but he was frozen in fear, and couldn't move. Quickly, he started shaking his fist nine times.

"C'mon, nine, get me good luck." He said. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven—"

Too late. The snow enveloped him, and we were its next target.

There was an avalanche of epic proportions hurtling directly towards us at warp speed. I was in its path and there was no way to stop it. Dodging it was out of the question. It was coming right at us. When it collides, all hell would break loose. **[1]**

I saw no possible way how this could end well.

* * *

 **[1]** If you feel like you've read this before, it's because you _have_.This is pretty much a copy of one of the last sentences in the first chapter with some of the words changed a bit and with a literal meaning.

I hope you enjoyed that double-feature. I wanted to post this on the 1st, but I got delayed a little bit with this part. As you can see, I'm trying to be quicker with the updates and promise way more than what you got last year. Let's see how that goes.

* * *

Regarding events of the past, I know you guys might get annoyed that the past two locations had no eliminations, but I could see no other way. I considered eliminating someone in New York, but all the characters are significant at this point and getting rid of one would change the entire story. I _can_ guarantee that there will never be three reward challenges in a row, and you know what that means...

May you stick with me throughout the year, and have a great 2017! :)

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team Amazon –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra

 **Team Epic –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler

 **Der Chris Mannschaft -** Noah, Owen, Izzy, Leshawna

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold

* * *

 **NEXT UP:** After one person suffers a debilitating injury, the three teams attempt to build a sled out of meat, and the reward earned in the previous location comes into play...


	21. Ice to Meat You

**Milestone Achievement Unlocked:** 150 reviews!

Yay! I see that those three chapters in quick succession helped me get over the hump. I will try my best to keep the momentum going.

* * *

A special thanks to 'Samtastic 3.0' who suggested that Noah should accidentally reveal his incident with Cody in a moment of rage. I pretty much have the major story planned out, but if you guys have any ideas, PM me and I'll see if they fit into the story.

In case you guys were wondering, I will not be covering the Aftermath episodes unless Noah is in them. Since this fic is written in first person from Noah's point of view, it wouldn't make much sense to write the Aftermaths. I had the idea to make the characters watch The Aftermath, but they give away secrets and strategies in there, so it would ruin the game. Therefore, no Aftermaths at all until Noah is eliminated.

* * *

When I was in a theater back in 2011 and saw the preview for this episode and almost wanted to jump out of my seat in joy. That's when I remembered that I was at a theater and promptly sat my butt back down. That's enough about me. On to Noah!

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxi -**

* * *

 **Destination 5 (Part Two) – Ice to Meat You**

 **Current Venue:** German Alps

 **Geographical Location:** Garmisch-Partenkirchen District, Bavaria [Germany]

* * *

Cold.

Stiff.

Emotionless.

These were words that could be used to describe hardened snow, or a dead body, or the attitude that my father had towards me.

Death. It comes to us all, yet we're so afraid to face it. One day you're thinking and hauling yourself around, and the next, you're cold fertilizer. Worm buffet.

As I said before, I saw no possible way how this could end well.

Wait. Hold on, though. If I can _feel_ the cold, then that can mean only one thing...

"I'm not dead! Holy scheisse!" I exclaimed, getting out of the snow.

"Whoo! Fun!" Izzy exclaimed.

"Ahahahaha! Awesome!" Chris said, lowering his fan speed and descending down upon us.

I went over to pull Cody out of the snow.

"Please God, just let it end, it can't get worse." Cody prayed.

"Hi, Cody!" Sierra said.

"Argh! It's worse!"

"You saved his life! I am eternally grateful!" Sierra said.

"Yeah. Whatever." I replied.

A few minutes later, most of us managed to get everything sorted out and were back on our feet. Chef began tending to those with more serious injuries.

"Everyone who wants to kill Tyler, raise your hands!" Heather said.

Almost immediately, several hands shot up, including mine.

"Medic!" Trent called out in agony.

Uh oh. That couldn't be a good sign.

Wait a minute. It was Trent. It's a very good sign.

Chef went to see what the problem was and the rest of us followed. There was a tent set up and Trent was obscured from my view. A crowd had formed.

"When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again!" Chef was telling Trent. "Anyway, that's how I lost my medical license."

"Come on. Tis but a scratch." Trent said. "Ow! Should I be awake for this?"

"Ah, well, _no_ , heh." Chef said. "As long as you are, can you hold your arm up for a bit?"

After that, we heard something cracking.

"What do you think is going on in there?" Owen asked.

"We'll find out soon enough." I replied.

"Whoops... that was not medicine." Chef muttered.

"What was that noise?" Trent asked.

"The sound of progress, my friend." Chef said.

The big cook moved out of the way to show Trent's right arm in a cast and a sling.

"This seems to be a tragic accident." Trent said.

"Like your birth." Gwen added, causing me to snicker.

"Geoff suffered a way more serious one on Boney Island, remember?" DJ asked.

Still, the big guy winced at Trent's injury.

"Damn it!" Trent wailed. "You all have no idea how much this hurts!"

"Oh, don't be such a baby." Chef said. "You'll be back in no time!"

"No, he won't." The cook whispered to us.

"Ze healing leaves little time for ze hurting." Cody said.

"I'm a horrible monster!" Trent exclaimed, upset.

"No. You already had that covered before the injury." I said.

"There, there. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days." Chris said, patting the boy on the back.

"If you start singing, I'll break _your_ arm." Trent said.

"What? No. I was trying to cheer you up." Chris said. "One time, I was brushing my teeth with an electric toothbrush, and I accidentally split my gum! So, I know how you feel. I know it's hard for you guys, but we must not continue to mourn for Trent."

"Who's mourning?" I asked.

"That's the spirit!" Chris said. "Now, let's move on to the next challenge. Up the hill we go."

I began the long trudge up the mountain along with the rest of the teens. Thankfully for us all, the temperature here wasn't nearly as chilly as it was in The Yukon.

"Tyler, you're such a dimwitted klutz." Heather said. "Why can't you keep your stupid mouth shut for once?"

"Dummkopf." Cody said.

"Tyler, look up 'idiot' in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?" I asked him.

"A picture of me?" He said quizzically.

"No! The definition of the word idiot, which is what you are!" I exclaimed.

"Hey! I'm smart!" Tyler said. "It only took me three months to finish a jigsaw puzzle that had '4-6 years' written on it. Beat that!"

I opened my mouth to retort, but decided that I wasn't even going to bother explaining how stupid that sentence was.

"Tyler, you're the sole reason I'm in a cast right now." Trent said.

"That coupled with the fact that you're an idiot." Cody said.

Someone who was friends with people like Izzy, Eva, Tyler, and Owen would often end up going into the Infirmary with a black eye or other ghastly injury. I was a born testament of this. That's why I was rather surprised to see that I wasn't the one nursing my injuries.

"I sure hope I don't hurt that poor seagull." DJ moped. "I bet this avalanche was my fault, too! It's that dumb animal mangling curse!"

"Curse, shmurse." Leshawna said. "The more you believe that trash, the more power it has over you."

Ha! _This_ coming from the girl that thought a Tiki Doll was cursed back on The Island!

"Great news, guys! _Tyler_ is back!" Lindsay said, coming up to us.

"What? Girl, no way!" Leshawna said, feigning disbelief.

"Yeah, LaFawnduh. Can you believe it!?" Lindsay said, eager to tell more people her startling revelation.

"It's easier to just go along with it." Leshawna explained to us after the blonde left.

"I say we ban Tyler right now." Courtney stated. "You keep him on and next thing you know, we could be drenched in super-hot lava as a result."

"That's the perfect example of a slippery slope argument." I said. "I'm sure you've heard about it."

"We're walking on a slippery slope." Owen said.

"Funny. If anyone were to break an arm on this show, I thought it would be me." I said.

"Or me." Cody said.

"Hey, Noah, if you speak my name, I vanish. What am I?" Cody said.

"...Silence." I said after thinking for a bit.

"Correct." Cody said. "Man, Tyler sure is lucky as hell. The guy's dumb as a rock but still gets a hot girlfriend."

"That happens more often than you'd think." I said.

"Yeah, but… I wish she was into me…" Cody said.

"Whoa! Don't tell me you have a crush on Lindsay, too?" I asked.

"Dude, who wouldn't like Lindsay?" Cody asked. "She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge ti- … _tracts_ of land."

"Right… Don't forget you have your own fangirl to worry about." I said.

"Oh, yeah. _That_."

Something immediately clicked in my head and I pulled Cody aside to talk to him.

"Dude, Cody, I'm telling you, man. You have to tell Sierra that you're not into her." I whispered.

"I did, but she's just not getting it." Cody said. "Today, she kept muttering something about OCTBI Syndrome, whatever the heck _that_ is. She just keeps ignoring it when I say it."

"Just be straight with her." I said. "Have you tried asking one of the girls to do it? Maybe they can explain your situation to her better."

"No, I haven't, but I will tonight. Danke schoen, comerade." Cody said.

"You know what's funny? Some of us may have seen each other at one point." Cody said. "We used to be unaware of each other's existence. Of course, we didn't notice at the time because, at that point, we were strangers with no idea of who the other was. Now, we're all well-acquainted. We're a part of each other's life, and it's all thanks to this show."

Well, I guess joining this show _did_ have its positives.

"Wow. I never thought about it that way before. Interesting observation." I said. "You're a smart guy."

"Tell that to my parents." Cody said, chuckling. "By the way, what happened to ridding ourselves of you-know-who?"

"I have it under control." I said.

"Really? I'd hate to see it out of control." Cody said before looking around.

"So.. I should go now." Cody said. "People are starting to get suspicious seeing me and you together."

"Yay. We're a couple." I said. "Want me to announce it to the world? Oh, wait. I already did."

"This could seriously damage my image, bro." Cody said.

"Really? I didn't know you had an image to begin with." I said.

"Haha. You're hilarious, Noah." Cody said dryly.

"I know." I said.

With that, Cody went off to talk to his team.

There was no greater natural advantage in life than having an enemy overestimate your faults unless it was having a friend _under_ estimate your virtues.

"After my whole outburst up on the mountain, I know we need to win immunity in this next challenge." Tyler said to his team. "I think I could be on the 'blocking chop'. Is that what you call it?"

"You bet your sorry behind we're winning this challenge." Trent said. "The writing's on the wall for you, Tyler. Don't screw up again."

Wow. Those are harsh words coming from someone with only one good hand. It's not like he was useful to the team to begin with.

"Trent, you're a moron, and I don't care what you say to me in response because I will never see you as anything other than a moron." I mouthed off.

"Hey! Mind your own business, dweeb." Trent shot back.

Right. I'd better go talk to someone that won't bite my head off. I saw Owen huff and puff as he slowly made his way up. Perfect!

"I know I'm not one to talk, but you really need to get in shape." I told him.

"I _am_ in shape! 'Round' is a shape." Owen said.

"No, it's not. 'Round' is an adjective. 'Circle' is a shape that would adequately describe you." I said.

"I'm the first one to the top! Yeah!" Izzy cheered, looking no worse for wear.

It took the rest of us a bit longer to get there, and a lot of effort on my part. After we all reached the top, we found three large grinders and chunks of meat waiting for us.

"Food!" Owen exclaimed. "It's beautiful!"

The boy then buried his face into the pile of meat and began stuffing his mouth with it.

"Owen, I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you." I said.

"Sh. Guys, we have to keep it down, remember?" Tyler reminded.

"I really don't think you have any right to talk about noise, Tyler!" Heather said.

"Yeah, Tyler!" Said Trent.

"Yeah, Tyler!" Said Sierra

"Yeah, Tyler!" Said Courtney.

Great. It's just like what happened with Harold back in Japan.

"Wow, you guys really know how to think for yourselves." I said, rolling my eyes sarcastically.

Tyler whimpered as he tapped his fingers together.

"Um... I'm sorry, I guess." He said, sinking down.

"Shut the hell up, Tyler!" Heather said.

"Yeah, Tyler!" Said Trent.

"Yeah, Tyler!" Said Sierra

"Yeah, Tyler!" Said Courtney.

"Enough!" Chris ordered as everyone fell silent. "There. Thank you. As much as I love a good 'Yeah, Tyler'-fest, we must begin the challenge."

"Which is..?" Bridgette asked.

"Packing meat." Chris said, causing some boys to snicker.

"Easy, tiger." The host said to Owen, who was still stuffing himself.

"Don't think of this as 'raw meat'. Think of this as 'raw building material'." Chris instructed. "Over fifteen hundred species of sausages call Germany home. Hence, the theme of our most efficient challenge yet."

"Shut Up Und Stuff It!" Chef said, emerging from behind the pile.

"Oh, that's the absolute _wurst_." Cody said, chuckling to himself.

"Each team must make a giant German sausage by shoveling meat into the grinder." Chris said. "You must push it down and grind the mixture out into an oversized sausage casing, all without losing a finger or toe."

"What about thumbs?" Owen asked, holding both of his up. "Are they cool?"

"I bet Noah's on Grindr." Trent said.

"You would know." I shot back. "You know, despite all you've said and done to me thus far, I still don't hate you."

"You have to hate me, Noah." Trent said. "Hate is more lasting than dislike."

"Okay, did you seriously just quote Adolf Hitler? You really are insane." I said.

"Hitler?" Owen piped up. "I see videos of him ranting about all kinds of stuff: XBox Live, Starbucks, the Olympics, Justin Bieber, and Facebook! I mean, I thought the guy was dead."

"..."

"Oh, do you guys know Cats That Look Like Hitler?" Cody asked. "It's a seriously hilarious website! You should visit it sometime!"

"I heard Hitler was a vegetarian. How does that make you feel, Bridgette?" Trent asked.

The blonde was unsure how to approach this. Luckily for her, Cody spoke up.

"Actually, that's fake. The bastard ate meat throughout his life. The only real source is Hitler himself claiming to be a veggie, which was all propaganda. Of course, Hitler would never exaggerate or lie, right?" Cody asked rhetorically.

"Wow. This whole thing was like Godwin's Law but in real life." The geek said.

"Ahem!" Chris said. "Back to the challenge-"

"Yeah, about that…" Heather started. "I'm sorry, ' _sausages_ '? This is the most disgusting challenge yet!"

Really, Heather? I mean, it's disgusting, yeah, but did you forget what we had to endure on The Island?

Chris just smirked.

"Count yourselves lucky you aren't making hot dogs." He said. "No beaks, hooves or butts in this meat pile."

DJ was unable to keep his breakfast down and barfed. The rest of us had some trouble, too.

"So it's a sausage party, then?" Cody asked.

"Haha! You'll have to shovel fast, or risk getting stuck with an incomplete sausage, which will be a lot harder to ride down the hill." Chris said, pointing to it.

We all looked at a fairly short hill with fluffy snow. The whole path was clear and it was pretty sunny. There was even a rainbow going across it. The whole thing looked like something out of a children's cartoon.

"Eh. That's not that bad." DJ said.

"Uh, not that hill." Chris said, pointing to another hill.

This one was big and had sharp, jagged rocks jutting out of it. Broken branches were scattered around. Aw, crap.

"That's the spot." Chris said as a bolt of lightning struck the horrid hill.

At that point, almost all of us wore a look of shock. Sierra was about to talk, but Heather shushed her.

"We all have to work together for once, okay?" Courtney told her team. "Remember, there's no 'I' in 'Team'."

"True, but there's also a 'U' in 'People who don't understand the difference between orthography and meaning'." Cody said.

Courtney thought about it for a bit and only stomped her foot on the ground in frustration.

"Just a minute, Chris." Alejandro said. "I was wondering since our poor teammate here has suffered a serious injury…"

He patted Trent's good shoulder and gestured to his broken arm.

"Could we not go first, due to our handicap?" Alejandro asked.

Chef Hatchet cleared his throat. "Well, technically speaking, Tyler was the one who caused the avalanche, so your team broke its own dang arm."

This caused us to glare at Tyler again.

"Yeah." Heather snapped at Alejandro. "Don't think you can sweet-talk your way into cheating!"

Alejandro looked startled for a few seconds by Heather's words. Then, he smiled.

"Of course. I humbly apologize." The Latino said. "We will make do with what we got."

"That settles it." Chris said. "Of course, if any teams had a shiny new _electric_ meat grinder, just plug it into our portable generator and, voila, sausage stuffed in seconds."

"You know, somehow, 'I told you so' just doesn't cut it." I said smugly to Leshawna.

"Alright. Good idea keeping the grinder." Leshawna said. "Great job."

"Nice job with the reward, Noah!" Owen said.

"No problem, bud." I said.

Nothing beats being complimented for something you didn't even do.

"Big deal, Noah." Trent said. "You're still gonna lose to us just like always."

"Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Do you hear that?" I asked, holding my hand up to my ear. "It's the winds of change..."

That sure shushed him… for now.

" _Speaking_ of rewards, can we expect one at the end of this salmonella challenge?" Leshawna asked.

Owen's stomach gurgled.

"Mmm. Salmonella." He said.

"Oh, there will be prizes for those who make it down the hill alive... _and_ , there will be punishment for one sorry loser on the last-placed team." Chris said.

Most people gulped, wondering what the punishment would be.

"Behold… der penalty hosen." Chris said.

At this, Chef held up a small green lederhosen, which would be too tight for even a skinny person like me to wear.

There was no way in hell I was wearing _that_.

"We won't need to worry about that." Trent said. "Without Alejandro as our leader, nothing is impossible!"

"Damn right!" Tyler said.

"All heil Alejandro!" They both uttered in unison.

They then raised their hands in the air and performed what eerily resembled a Nazi salute.

"Congratulations, Alejandro." I said. "You've created your own Hitler youth."

The Latino just grinned at me maliciously.

"Sieg heil!" He replied to me, which no one else heard him say.

"Ugh. Would you guys please shut up?" Chris asked.

The host said it so fast that it sounded like he was saying 'would _Jew_ ', and someone took offense.

"Hey! That's not funny. My friend's great-grandfather died in Auschwitz." Tyler said.

"Um… okay." Chris said.

"Yeah. He got drunk and fell off the guard tower."

"...Oh…"

"Ugh. So spicy…" Owen belched, breaking the awkward silence.

"Dude. That was _raw_ meat. Not good." Chris said, chuckling.

Chef then blew on an alphorn, signifying the start of the challenge. The sound was pretty loud and I was surprised it didn't cause another avalanche.

"Go, go, go!" Chris said, urging us on.

"Alright." Leshawna said to the rest of us. "Let's just plug the grinder in and wait for the sausage to do its thing. We got this challenge in the bag."

I hoped our electrical grinder would make up for our lack of manpower. Hey, as long as I didn't need to do anything, I was good.

"I don't trust Owen handling the meat." Leshawna said.

"Me neither." I seconded.

"Okay. I'll deal with him." Leshawna said. "We've got this, guys! Start believing the impossible, babies, cause the pig is about to fly!"

Was I the only one who thought that sausage coming out of the grinder resembled someone crapping?

"Ew." Lindsay said, disgusted.

Apparently not.

I took a peek at Team Amazon to see how they were doing.

"Forget it. Shoving meat into the grinder is dangerous." Heather said. "I'm _valuable_. Who kept us from losing in New York?"

"Um, hello!" Courtney said, poking Heather's chest. "What kind of self-involved, lazy, useless, formerly bald dimwit thinks she can get away with abstaining for the whole challenge?"

The brunette then pointed a finger at the Queen Bee accusingly.

"You're one to talk, Miss CIT." Heather shot back.

"Do you want to win or not?" Courtney asked, shoveling more meat.

"Yeah, but-"

"Shut it!" The other four said.

Now, all eyes were on Heather, and she knew better than to go up against her entire team.

Meanwhile, on Team Epic…

"Well, thanks to Trent's injury, we are at a major disadvantage." Alejandro said.

"...Through no fault of your own, of course." He quickly told the guitarist.

Trent just rolled his eyes and corrected his sling.

"Yeah, and we all know who's fault it is." The former Drama Brother said.

"Okay, so I broke your arm. What's the big deal?" Tyler asked.

"What's the big deal!?" Trent asked. "I'll tell you what the big deal is..."

"Chris, can we please stuff Tyler into a grinder?" Heather asked.

"Will you all shut up!?" Gwen said, throwing her arms up in the air. "He made a mistake and he apologized. There's absolutely no reason to keep harping on him. There's not much more he can do, so, just let it go!"

"Why are you defending him?" Courtney asked. "We could have died!"

"Yes, but the important thing is that didn't." Gwen said. "I mean, Chris puts us into death defying situations nearly every day on this show. Blame the producers that got us into this mess. Or, better yet, blame yourselves for signing the contract!"

"Hm. Point taken." Courtney said.

While the others were busy arguing, our barbershop quartet was on the way to acing this challenge. Maybe our luck was changing after all.

Izzy was busy yodeling into our grinder, and Leshawna pulled her out.

"Hell no, girl. I don't think so." Leshawna said.

"What should I do then?" Izzy asked from the top of the grinder.

"Girl, not a gosh darn thing." Leshawna answered.

"Noah, keep Izzy from interfering with the machine." Leshawna said.

"Yay! Come on, Noah Boa!" Izzy cheered, leaping on top of me.

No, no no...

Pow! Right in the schnozz!

"...and there goes my pelvis." I said, my voice muffled due to the snow.

"We've got this, guys!" Leshawna said. "Start believing the impossible, babies, cause the pig is about to fly!"

"I think something came over Leshawna in this challenge." Owen told me. "She's so bossy right now."

"Nah. She's always like that." I said. "She's just really energetic and pumped up to win. You don't want to lose, do you?"

Owen shook his head.

"Are you ready, Noah? Let's go on an adventure!" Izzy exclaimed to me.

"I would rather not!" I said as Izzy dragged me away.

"Be back in time to ride down the hill!" Leshawna cried.

Oh, woe is me. At least this gives me some time to look at what the other teams were doing.

Over the course of the challenge, Alejandro had begun to work up a sweat and had unbuttoned his shirt, exposing more of his chest. He had also tied his hair into a ponytail to keep it from getting in the way.

Before he got back to work, he caught Bridgette staring and looked her way. The Latin winked and blew a kiss her way. Bridgette blushed and waved at him flirtatiously .

Being on a different team, my hands were tied. I could only look on while hoping that someone on Team Amazon would catch on to what was happening and help Bridgette focus.

Right at that moment, Heather began berating the surfer about something. Cody stepped in to defend her, and got a mouthful as well.

"Cody, shut up and start shoveling!" Heather said.

"Why do I have to shovel?"

"Because switching the baby in the last challenge was my idea, because you're small and insignificant, and because I'll pummel if you don't!" Heather said.

"Oh. Feisty. I like that." Cody said, wiggling his eyebrows.

This only caused Heather to growl at him.

Cody, I don't think you should be pissing off the girls on your team. Do you want to get strangled in your sleep? Because that's how you get strangled in your sleep.

Heather almost threw up while she was stuffing her meat down the machine.

"Um, less yakking, more packing." Courtney said.

"Well, at least I'm doing _something_." Heather said defensively.

She motioned to Sierra, who had made a statue of Cody out of meat. The fangirl hugged it ever so tightly. After a couple seconds of this, Sierra began to passionately make out with the wad of meat. Cody and Courtney could only look on in shock.

Team Epic was making good progress.

"That's it, keep grinding." DJ said. "Nearly there."

That's when he accidentally picked up the seagull with his shovel and tossed it into the grinder along with the meat.

"Oh no!" DJ said, he went up to the stuffing and broke down.

Out popped the head of the seagull, now featherless. It glared at DJ angrily and tossed some meat his way before flying off.

"This curse is gonna keep following me everywhere I go, isn't it?" DJ asked.

"I don't care as long as we win, so keep grinding!" Trent said.

"Meat Cody! No!" Sierra yelled in the background as her statue plummeted down the hill.

"I will destroy you all!" Trent said, furiously shoving meat with his one good hand.

"Break a leg, Trent!" I said, snickering.

I noticed that Team Amazon barely had any meat left, but refused from pointing it out. Just imagine the backlash and fan theories that would pop up if I mentioned Cody and his team's 'tiny sausage'.

"Ha! Cody's got a tiny sausage!" Izzy said.

Oh, sure, when she says it, it's frickin' hilarious, but when I do it, people automatically assume that I'm homosexual.

"If anyone makes a joke about how well I can handle a sausage, I'll stuff our leftover meat down your throats." Cody announced to everyone.

Team Amazon was wondering how to make do with the little sausage they had, and Heather suggested that they literally jump on it.

"Well, we're already losing the challenge. Might as well look like bigger idiots." Gwen said.

The team began hopping on their meat.

"Cody, are you sure this will work?" Courtney asked.

"I have no idea!" Cody answered.

At last, our sausage had been filled to maximum capacity and we could ride it down the hill. The bad news was that Team Epic had just about finished up as well.

"Come on, guys! Let's go! I don't want to lose our advantage." Leshawna barked.

Well, things were literally about to all downhill from here.

"All aboard Der Wiener Express!" I said.

"Aha! Yah! Giddyup!" Izzy said.

With Leshawna, Izzy, and I sitting on the sausage, Owen gave it one giant push to get it started downhill and jumped on at the last second.

"Away we goooooooooooooo!" Owen said.

Yes, indeed. Away we went!

* * *

Will Noah's team finally see a change in fortunes?

Will Trent's team be hindered because of his injury?

Will Gwen's team ever stop bickering amongst themselves?

All these questions and more… may or may not be answered, on the next chapter of... Noah's Tour of the World!

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team Amazon –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [Presently Losing]

 **Team Epic –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler [Presently Trailing]

 **Der Chris Mannschaft -** Noah, Owen, Izzy, Leshawna [Presently Leading]

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold


	22. Sled Weiner

I'm a few days late with this update because the bigger chapter it took me longer than I thought it would. Hope you like it!

There's a poll up on my profile and I want to know your thoughts. It could also maybe possibly affect my story, but really, I just want to hear your opinions on the matter.

Warning: This chapter contains a lot of weiners!

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxii -**

* * *

 **Destination 5 (Part Three) – Sled Weiner**

 **Current Venue:** German Alps

 **Geographical Location:** Garmisch-Partenkirchen District, Bavaria [Germany]

* * *

It was an exciting sled ride filled with rabid goats, tumbling people, flying sausage flecks, shaking fists, kicking, yelling, screaming, shouting matches, and a whole lotta snow. After a failed blitzkrieg by Team Amazon, we were all bunched up at the bottom of the hill.

For the second time this challenge, we all ended up in a mound of snow, and I once again pulled myself out before helping the others.

"Did we won?" Owen asked, poking his face out of the snow.

"At least Tyler didn't cause this one." I was about to say when I stopped myself.

I now understood Gwen's outburst in defense of the jock. Life was too short to hate people because of stupid reasons, especially when there are so many _legitimate_ reasons to hate people.

"I wish we had taken the other hill." Lindsay said.

"I wish I didn't hurt that goat." DJ said.

"I wish Chris would come over here and end this dumb challenge already." Heather said.

"Well, speak of the Devil…" I said, noticing the host coming towards us.

Fifteen pairs of expectant eyes were upon him, waiting to hear his verdict.

"Well, I've come to a decision." Chris said. "After I carefully reviewed the tape of the ending of this sled ride in high-definition freeze cam… ha, get it? _Freeze_ cam? Cause, you know… we're in the snow, and it's freezing, and… oh, screw it! You guys are too stupid to understand my type of humor."

"Or maybe it's because 'your type of humor' isn't funny." I muttered.

The host grumbled for a bit.

"Anyways, we can safely assume that the weiner- I mean, ' _winner_ ', is... Team Epic, because they came in first." Chris said.

"What!? You didn't even review a tape!" Leshawna said.

"You're right, but through educated guessing, and by 'educated guessing', I mean 'random selection', I have come to the conclusion that Team Epic won the race." Chris said.

"Oh, come on, man. That ain't fair!" Leshawna protested as Team Epic cheered.

"Yeah. Can't you review and make sure?" Owen asked.

"Ugh. Fine!" Chris huffed. "Wait right here."

He went off, grumbling.

"So, you'll never guess what happened." Cody said to me.

"The other dentists caved and now 100% of them recommend Colgate?" I asked.

"Sierra! She built a statue of me… out of meat! A frickin' meat statue!"

"I saw it, and you should be honored." I said.

"Dude! What do I gotta do?" Cody asked, panicking.

"You know nothing, Cody Anderson." I said. "You need to be firm with Sierra right now before this situation gets out of hand. If you keep silent, things will only get worse."

"After looking at the tape, we found that Team Me crossed the Finish Line just a split second before Team Epic did. So, I guess they win." Chris declared. "Congrats on arriving first, Team Chris is Reeeeeeeally Hot!"

"Do you see how important that was now?" Leshawna asked as the est of us cheered.

"Yeah, yeah. Waste of time is what it is." Chris said.

"I told you we got this!" Leshawna said, high-fiving Izzy.

"On to part zwei of today's challenge!" Chris announced.

"Say _what_ now?"Leshawna asked, dumbfounded. "You mean to tell me that there's _more_?"

"You're surprised, Leshawna?" Chris taunted. "Come on. You've been competing in this series for three seasons now and finished in the top ten every time. You should know better."

"Ugh. Just tell us the rules so we can get this over with." Heather said.

"Will do." Chris said. "Competitors must learn and perform a traditional German dance on this very platform. The dance mats are rigged a hilarious and painful jolt every time someone missteps, _or_ I need a laugh. Last team standing wins."

Hm. That stage looks way bigger than I remembered it, or maybe I just have a fuzzy memory.

"I love platform games!" Cody said excitedly.

"Wait. Where's the reward you promised?" Leshawna asked.

"Patience, mein flower." Chris said. "Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot. First to arrive, first to get the reward."

Chef tossed us our helmets, which were more like rocks.

"These aren't gonna suck our brains out, are they?" Izzy asked.

"Ugh. These weigh a ton!" I groaned.

"Yes, they do." Chris said. "Team Epic!"

Chef tossed them some fluffy hats.

"Ooh! These are all the rage in Paris!" Lindsay exclaimed, wearing one.

"... and, in last place, Team Amazon." Chris said.

Chef tossed them some feathered hats similar to the one Chris was wearing.

"Maybe it's reverse psychology." Sierra said. "The losing team gets the best reward?"

"Whatever lets you sleep at night." Chris said.

"Remember back in Egypt when the useless reward turned out to be the best? I think it's like that again." I whispered to Owen.

"Could be." Owen said.

I just noticed that Chris had given _all_ of us helmets instead of eight people, and was wondering why.

"... and which member of the losing team must wear… der penalty hosen?" Chris asked, holding up the tight clothing.

"Boy, am I glad we didn't lose." I told Owen.

Cody's eyes widened and he whispered something to Sierra, after which the fangirl began repeatedly bouncing up and down.

"Pick me! Me! Meeeeee! Oh, me!" Sierra screamed.

"Funny." Chris said. "I _was_ gonna make you wear them, but now that you _want_ to… Cody! Congratulations!"

Chef tossed the lederhosen on his face as the geek groaned. Great job, Cody. You played yourself.

"I'll let you guys get some prep time." Chris said as we all walked onto the stage.

Now I knew why the stage looked bigger. There were sixteen platforms instead of eight, but why?

My fears were replaced by hilarity once I looked at Cody in his new piece of clothing. I couldn't help but laugh at his predicament.

"How are the hosen treating ya?" I asked.

"It feels like someone gave my wedgie a wedgie!" Cody groaned, trying to pull down his shorts.

Chef then blew an alphorn right in our faces.

"That's German for 'shut up'!" The big cook said, "Follow my lead and nobody gets hurt… yet."

Well, that's reassuring.

"Why can't he be more like the chef from 'South Park'?" Cody asked me.

"Right knee up! Left arm swings! Stomp, hop, slap your thighs! Kick your butt! Jump and clap!" Chef said as a tune began to play.

We all began to mimic him to the best of our abilities. Sierra began singing along, with rather awkward lyrics.

" _One, two, three, slap my knee!_

 _My husband-to-be, his name is Cody._

 _Four, five, six, kick up sticks._

 _My heart won't tick without my Cody fix._

 _Seven, eight, nine, straighten your spine._

 _Spin to see Cody looking so fine._

 _Ten, eleven, twelve, nothing rhymes with twelve!_

 _Chicks want Cody, but his butt's mine!"_

… Okay then.

" _Someone's_ getting into it." Courtney said.

Cody could only look on in horror.

"You ready, big guy?" I asked Owen, who was warming up.

"Yeah! I'm, like, totally ready!" He replied.

"Clear the way!" Leshawna said. "This dance train is leaving the station!"

"Izzy, do you have any thoughts on the matter?" I asked.

"Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you." Izzy said.

"Okay then." I said.

"I don't feel so ho-h-h-hot." Owen groaned.

"Perfect time to test this baby out." Chris said, holding up a remote.

A jolt of electricity passed through Owen, and he then burped and sniffed the air.

"Oh, smells like cooked sausage. Cool!" Owen said.

Chris then shocked Heather, then all of us.

"It's challenge time!" The excited host announced.

"I think I just went from 'medium' to 'well done'." Owen said.

"Chris, you are literally Hitler." Heather said.

I didn't understand the logic behind this, and I was really ashamed. We were comparing one of the worst people in the history of mankind with a person that we personally despised.

I mean, I know he did some bad things and all, but he's no Chris Maclean!

"So, since the teams are all uneven, the producers decided to let every one of you compete in the Slap Dance competition." Chris said. "I wish there were sixteen of you so we could have a simple elimination bracket. However, there are fifteen of you, and that leads to a whole wave of mathematical complications."

"No, it doesn't." Cody said. "One person should get a bye and skip the first round."

"What do you know?" Chris asked. "You're just a math geek!"

He then sat for a while, his face turning dark red. Sweat began to drip down his face despite the chilly weather. He clenched his teeth and curled up into a ball, vibrating rapidly.

"Is he… thinking?" Bridgette asked.

"Only _Chris_ could make thinking look like torture." Gwen commented.

"It _is_ torture." Tyler said.

"I've got it!" Chris said, suddenly sitting up. "After pondering, I've realized the best way to proceed. Team Me, would five of you step forward please?"

"How can we do that when there are only four of us?" I asked.

"Team Epic, I need one and a half members from you guys." Chris said.

Izzy brandished a machete and waved it.

"Oh! I can help with that!" The redhead said excitedly.

"Finally, Team Amazon, please nominate negative two and a half members."

"How the hell are we supposed to give you negative members?" Gwen asked.

"Well, you and Heather are pretty negative, right?" Chris asked. "I mean, all you've done up till now is argue a lot."

"Okay, seriously, Chris?" Courtney asked. "What's your reasoning behind this?

"Uhh… numbers!" Chris said.

"Yeah? What about them?" Bridgette asked.

"Um… I don't know. I hate math." Chris said.

"Dude, just listen to Cody and let one dude enter into the second round." I said.

"Oh yeah? Says you and what army?" Chris questioned.

"All fifteen of us." I said.

"Damn. That's a pretty big army." Chris said.

"I hate to agree with Noah, but he's right." Trent said.

"Wow, Trent. That's the smartest thing you've said all season." Gwen said.

"Okay, but who gets automatic entry, though?" Chris asked.

"The team that won the last challenge." Alejandro said. "It would only be the fair thing to do."

Chris thought for a moment, then nodded.

"Alright. I'll let Noah skip the first round while the rest of you compete." Chris said.

Great. Instead of getting my ass handed to me in the first round, I could get my ass handed to me in the second round instead.

"Don't squander our advantage." Leshawna said.

"You just worry about your upcoming duel." I said.

I had made my choice. I was going to do what was considered wrong, in order to do what I knew was right.

"Alejandro will lead us to victory." Tyler said.

"We shall get what we want, and we will exterminate all who stand in our way." Trent said.

Then, they both saluted again.

"You keep performing that action." I said. "I do not think it means what you think it means."

"Seriously. You guys are beginning to sound like National Socialists for goodness sake." Cody said.

"Ah well, that doesn't sound too bad." Tyler said.

"Sounds pretty fancy to me." Trent said.

"That's the Nazi Party." I said.

"Holy crap!" They both exclaimed.

"I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, dude." Cody said. "At least it's an ethos."

"Ahem! Enough of the off-topic conversations. Back to me!" Chris said.

He then told us who we'd be up against in the first round.

The matchups for Round One of the contest were:

Lindsay -v- Cody

Leshawna -v- Trent

Tyler -v- Heather

Owen -v- Gwen

Alejandro -v- Izzy

Bridgette -v- Sierra

DJ -v- Courtney

"Chris, Sierra and I are on the same team!" Bridgette pointed out.

"Is that so?" The host wondered. "That's too bad. That's what you get for coming in last. Now, get into positions people."

"That's not fair!" Heather said.

"Meh. I could care less." Chris said.

"Actually, it's _couldn't_ care less. You're saying that you do care." I said.

"Ugh. Shut up, you Grammar Nazi." Chris said.

"Better than those damn feminazis." Trent muttered.

I watched as everyone clamored to get on the same platform as their opponent.

"Last person standing on the platform wins the challenge for their team." Chris said. "This… is gonna be fun!"

Chef pressed a button and the platforms all rose into the air.

"Um, why are we so high up?" DJ asked, shuddering nervously.

"To make it a lot more fun to watch when you fall off the platform." Chris said. "Don't worry. The snow will be there to cushion your fall."

"Dude, the snow is covered in ice. It's frozen solid!" I said.

"Hey, I didn't say it would cushion your fall all that nicely." Chris smirked.

"Oh yeah! You'd better bring your A game, boy!" Leshawna told Trent as she danced around on her platform. "Cause this sister's about to seize the day and the competition!"

"Okay, Chef, turn up the music! People, it's time to fight!" Chris said.

Chef cranked up the volume as Polka music started blasting out of his stereo.

The teens exchanged a bunch of slaps and punches, yet all of them remained unmoved.

This wasn't 'Dance Dance Revolution', this was Slap Slap Revolution.

"Oh, I love this song." Chris said. "You wanna dance, Chef?"

"No." Chef replied.

"You're no fun." Chris said. "Man, I love this music. It just makes me want to dance!"

He then wiggled even more, his arms and legs like noodles, flapping to the beat. That was a sight I did not want to behold.

"Great. Now I'm scarred for life. " I said.

Courtney was zapped for not dancing to Chris's tunes. As watts of electricity coursed through her veins, she fell off her platform and into the ground, the first casualty with many to come.

"Darn it." She said, rubbing the shoulder she landed on.

"Um… you wouldn't hit a guy with a broken arm, right?" Trent asked Leshawna at the top.

"Like hell, I wouldn't!" Leshawna said.

She then effortlessly smacked Trent off the platform and out of the contest.

"Whoo! Oh yeah! That's how we roll!" She cheered.

"I'm a pacifist and it wouldn't make sense for us to fight being on the same team and all." Bridgette said.

She then hopped off her platform.

Chris snapped his fingers.

Cody was momentarily distracted by Lindsay's boobs, but the blonde slipped and fell off.

"It's time to unleash the beast!" Tyler yelled.

He let loose many wild punches, then punched himself in the face and fell to the ground.

"Izzy, look, it's a zombie!" Alejandro said, pointing at the ground.

"Oh! Where!?" The girl asked.

"No!" I said.

Izzy turned around so quickly she lost her balance and fell on my pelvis… again!

"Keep this up and I doubt I can bear children." I said as she giggled.

"Alright! We're just getting started!" Chris said. "So, now that the first round's over with, it's time for Noah to join."

"Yay me." I said weakly.

At least I had two other teammates here with me. We still had a fighting chance.

Chris then told us the matchups for Round Two:

Cody -v- Leshawna

Heather -v- Owen

Sierra -v- DJ

Noah -v- Alejandro

Holy crap. Why him? Why now?

I stepped onto the platform as Chef raised me high into the sky.

I eyed my opponent. I was clearly at a disadvantage here. The Latin was clearly a lot stronger than I was and certainly more athletic. This was a mismatch of the worst proportions.

I gulped, dreading the outcome of our brawl.

"Come on, Owen!" I said, hoping to spur my friend on.

"Alright, sugar." Leshawna told Cody. "Ready for this sister's rad moves? Cause I'm in it to win it!"

"Well then, amigo." Alejandro said to me. "So, it has come to this. I await your move… if you dare, that is."

He grinned evilly.

I took a deep breath and swung at him as hard as he could. I did manage to strike the boy's chest, but he didn't look to be at all phased by the attack.

"Admirable." He sneered. "I would say you hit like a girl, but I think girls hit a little harder."

I swiped at him again, hoping to catch him off guard.

Instead, he caught my hand and held it.

My whole body jerked as Alejandro squeezed the life out of my hand. My face tightened as my eyes swelled with tears.

"Look at your hand." Alejandro instructed.

His nails dug into my skin. It felt like a bonfire on the back of my hand.

"Uh... Aah! Aah!" I yelped, writhing in pain.

"Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing."

Meanwhile, on another platform, Leshawna finished Cody off.

"White boy just got served!" Leshawna said,

"Ugh. I thought stuff like this only happens in 'Wipeout'." Cody moaned as Bridgette rushed over to help him.

They do guided meditation at support groups for people who are going through pain. Maybe it could work for this.

I thought of a bright yellow maple leaf, glistening with dew.

"Stay with the pain." Alejandro said. "Don't shut it out."

Snapping back, I tried to jerk his hand away but failed. Alejandro kept hold of it and compressed it further. My hand was turning purple due to lack of oxygen.

Sierra growled at DJ and knocked him from the platform. The big guy fell to the ground with a thud.

Electricity surged through my veins. This is how superheroes were created, right?

I closed my eyes and tried not to think of the words 'blood' or 'flesh'. I imagined my pain as a ball of healing white light.

I thought of a lush green forest with gentle spring rainfall.

"Stop it!" Alejandro said. "This is your pain. This is your hurting hand. It's right here."

 _Time to go to your happy place, Noah._

"I'm going to my cave." I mumbled. "I'm going to my cave and I'm going to find my power animal."

I imagined myself inside a cave of ice.

"No! Don't deal with it the way those dead people do!" Alejandro said, snapping me back. "Come on!"

"I get the point, okay? Please!"

"No. What you're feeling is premature enlightenment."

Owen was electrocuted, vomited his meat back into his hand, and fell off the platform.

Please, just let it end. It can't get worse, right?

"This is not the worst thing that can happen." Alejandro said as if he had read my mind.

"You don't know how this feels!" I exclaimed.

"Don't I?" Alejandro asked, showing me a similar scar on his own left hand.

My eyes widened. Another jolt went through me.

"Okay. The other contests are done. Just let me go already!" I said.

"Very poor choice of words." Said the Latino.

He released his hand and shoved me away. I fell to the ground, slumped over and inserted my hand into a mound of snow.

"Congratulations. You're one step closer to hitting bottom." Alejandro said.

"Screw you!" I replied, giving him the finger.

I would definitely have taken electrocution over this punishment.

I never signed up for this.

"Alright! That was awesome!" Chris said. "It's the final four, and one team is going to be out for good."

The semifinals were Leshawna -v- Heather and Alejandro -v- Sierra, and the platforms were raised even higher.

"Go, Arnold!" Lindsay said.

"Come on, Sierra!" Courtney shouted up to her teammate. "Don't burn out now!"

"Stay on the platform, Al!" DJ said.

"You got this, Leshawna!" Owen cheered.

"I'm not goin' anywhere!" Leshawna exclaimed.

Alejandro gave some encouraging words to which Heather objected. The Queen Bee slapped Leshawna across the face.

How can she slap!?

"I'm gonna seize the _you_!" Leshawna said, smacking Heather with all her fury. "You've had this coming for three seasons!"

The ghetto girl then leaped off her platform and tackled the ravenhair, smacking the skinny girl left and right.

"Whoo! Catfight!" Cody said. "It's like I'm in heaven."

"Take that, you harlot!" Leshawna screamed.

I had to admit I loved watching Heather get absolutely pummeled. So did everyone else apparently as they all cheered her on. Chris was sure enjoying himself. After a while…

 _THWACK!_

It was the bitchslap heard around the world. Leshawna smashed Heather so hard that one of the latter's teeth fell out.

We had almost forgotten about the second semifinal. Sierra wound up and hit Alejandro, and the boy fell down.

"Team Amazon wins again!" Chris announced.

"We won?" Sierra asked. "I won!"

"Nice job, Sierra!" Bridgette said.

"Dude, are you alright?" DJ asked, running over to Alejandro.

"You lost to Sierra!?" Trent asked. "What the heck was that all about?"

"Yeah, what happened?" Tyler asked.

The Latino just groaned.

"Heather sacrificed herself to distract me... and her brilliant plan worked. I am most disappointed in myself." Alejandro said.

"Oh, yeah. I totally planned that." Heather said, in pain. "Ow."

"Well, it's not every day that Heather gets the stuffing knocked out of her and you still win the challenge." Gwen said.

"Team Amazon, fresh baked strudel awaits you in First Class." Chris said.

"You're welcome." Heather said.

"Team Epic, once again, you're in 'not winner, not total loser' purgatory."

Their faces looked stoic, and DJ was especially confused as to why Alejandro didn't go for the win. He wasn't the only one, though.

"Team Me, sorry to say that you're voting someone out." Chris said.

I can't believe we lost again! It always seems to be one step forward, two steps back with this team!

I tried holding in my laughter as a disheveled, black-eyed Heather and the rest of Team Amazon boarded the plane.

This was all Alejandro's fault.

"Alright, what the hell was going on back there?" I asked Alejandro after the plane had taken off.

He just smirked.

"What have we learned? I always win." Alejandro said to me.

"Um, no. You _lost_ in the finals. There's no way Sierra took you down! Why did you fall off on purpose?" I asked.

It was a good thing we were in the abandoned part of the Cargo Hold or someone might have heard us.

"Heather had just asked me the same thing." Alejandro said, chuckling. "Besides, all Heather cares about is money." Alejandro said. "This show deserves a better class of villain, and I'm gonna give it to them!"

"Then what do you have to say for this?" I asked, showing him the hand he injured.

I thought I saw the shadow of something moving in the background, but Alejandro's words brought me back.

" _That_ was just the beginning." The Latino said. "Have I got your attention now, Noah? I didn't want it to be this way. I made it so simple. All I ask for is one thing and you denied me. Well, that ends now. I didn't want it to come to this, but you leave me no choice. Until I eliminate you, my mission won't end. You didn't respond to reason, so you will now know fear."

I just held my injured hand.

"So, you can't beat me with your brains and resort to dirty tactics instead, is that it?" I asked. "You do know that Izzy and Owen would be on your case in a flash if they find out what you did to me."

" _Me_? Injure _you_!? Don't be blasphemous, Noah." Alejandro said. "Why, I couldn't even harm Sierra, much less a noble competitor such as yourself. It's entirely possible that a scar like that could have come from those electric shocks Chris gave us."

"So, _that's_ it! You sneaky jerk! I knew there was a reason for everything that went on!"

"You know what your problem is, Noah? You analyze too much. You scrutinize every little detail and piece of information with the assumption that it's important. You overthink too much. So much, in fact, that you lose track of the big picture."

"What _is_ the big picture then?"

"I'm so glad you asked that. Let me take this moment to explain my evil scheme..." Alejandro said, grinning darkly.

"Team Me!" Chris spoke from the intercom. "Get your buttocks over here! It's time to send someone home!"

"Run along, now." Alejandro said. "Go vote someone off. Shoo."

I had no choice but to comply. I knew he was colluding with Trent and Tyler and I knew they were after me and my team. I thought of concocting some evidence against him, but that just wouldn't hold up. I needed more time, and time was something that I didn't have right now.

I winced at the blood clot on my arm and went over to the Loser Area.

"Oh! What's that?" Izzy asked, pointing at my injury.

Oh, crap.

"Aw! Did little Noah get hurt?" Izzy asked. "I can fix that with my magical healing saliva!"

The crazy redhead licked her lips until they were gleaming wet.

"Izzy, no!" I exclaimed.

It was too late.

She grabbed me and planted a kiss over the injury on the back of my hand.

We both watched as my skin turned pink a few seconds later.

"Uh…" Izzy said, at a loss for words.

"Okay. I'm pretty sure people aren't supposed to have pink skin." I said.

"Hey! That's racist!" Izzy said.

She pushed my arm away and covered her mouth with her other hand.

"What did you do?" I asked, horrified.

"There's an itty bitty chance you might be allergic to my makeup, Noah."

"Oh, you _think_?" I said, glancing at my (now worse) injury.

I didn't think it could get any worse.

It was time for the elimination, and the four of us gathered at the chamber of doom to do the deed.

"So that's it, then?" I asked Leshawna. "After all your posturing, all your little speeches about how you thought we could be the champions all through this challenge, you just jump off your platform to tackle Heather?"

"Hey, don't blame me. Dang skank had it coming." Leshawna said.

"I have three barf bags full of with the finest peanuts never allowed to be handed out on commercial planes due to allergy induced lawsuits." Chris said, holding up the bags.

"Time to vote who gets em." Said the host. "Leshawna, you're up first."

The large girl went to vote.

"Did you see the way she completely obliterated Heather?" I asked Izzy. "I think Leshawna scares me most on this team."

Immediately Izzy grabbed the front of my shirt, pulling me so close that our foreheads were touching.

" _No one_ scares you more than Izzy." She growled in a deadly manner.

"Um… right." I said.

I was the next one to enter the Voting Booth.

"Glad it's an easy choice this time." I said, stamping a passport.

After Owen had voted, it was time for the results.

"Okay, the votes are in." Chris said. "Leshawna…"

The girl looked up and gasped.

"...You may or may not get a bag after I give the first one to Izzy. Chris finished.

Leshawna's expectant look was wiped off her face.

"Yay!" The redhead said, claiming her bag.

"Owen gets one too." Chris said.

The big guy scarfed down his peanuts in one second.

We were now down to the bottom two.

"As you all know, in Total Drama..." Chris started. "...one day, you're in, and the next, you're out."

"Noah, the longer you stay here, the less calm I become." Our awesome host said. "Pretty good reason to send you packing."

Before I could think of a comeback, he continued.

"Leshawna, the longer you stay here, the less teeth remain in Heather's mouth." Said the host. "Pretty _good_ reason to _keep you here_."

Leshawna smiled and crossed her fingers while I tried my best to keep a straight face. Chris smiled as he was about to announce the final name.

"So, the last bag goes to…"

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

"Noah."

Leshawna's smug look disappeared and was replaced by one of shock.

"What? You guys voted me off?" She cried, jumping out of her seat. "But… I… I… I'm fabulous! I seized the day!"

Judging by her protests, it was clear she didn't see this coming. I wasn't really surprised. There was no way Owen and Izzy would vote for me, so we all voted for the loudmouth while she had voted for me.

"Sorry Leshawna." Owen said. "But you _did_ cost us the challenge."

"What about Noah, then? He didn't even win a round." Leshawna asked angrily.

"Yeah, but he didn't bark orders at us all the time." Izzy said.

"Bye bye, Bossy McBossyPants." I said.

"I wasn't being bossy! I was just trying to motivate us, that's all!" Leshawna asserted. "You know! Being a good leader and stuff!"

"Guess that worked out _really_ well for you, huh?" I asked.

"Shut up, turkey!" She screamed.

"... and we're outta time!" Chris said.

He dragged her to the Exit Door. "So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night!"

Leshawna didn't respond. She didn't do anything. She was still in shock trying to comprehend what had just happened.

What a shame. She was usually a better competitor than at present. I don't recall her being like this before. Today, she was even worse. It was like we were with a completely different Leshawna. Heck, it was almost as if-

"You!?"

I tried not to react when I heard Leshawna's voice, hoping the others wouldn't hear it either. As I turned around, Leshawna was gone. All I could hear was her faint scream as she plummeted from the plane. What a shocker.

"Can Team Chris really keep calling themselves that despite losing a whole lot? Really? It's not impressing me in the slightest." Chris said, disappointed.

We could only hang our heads in shame.

"Find out next time, on Total!... Drama!... World Toooooooooour!"

I headed to the Dining Area and saw Owen stuffing down a sausage.

"Ugh. Tell me those aren't the same sausages you threw up."

"Um… they might be." Owen said.

"Have you no morals?" I asked him.

"Please. This is _Owen_ you're talking about." Heather said from another table.

"Hey! Men have feelings too!" Owen protested. "For example, we feel hungry."

"Ha!" Heather said.

"Hey, you know what Leshawna told me before we began voting?" Owen whispered to me.

"No." I said, raising an eyebrow. "What?"

"You need to vote out Noah. Trust me. It's for the good of the team." He said.

I chuckled.

"Right. Because that totally works and makes two friends turn against each other." I said.

"I know!" Owen said. "It's like she thought that telling me to vote for you at the last minute would somehow magically change my mind."

"Well, I've lost my appetite and am going to bed." I said, heading back to Economy Class.

I was grinning in delight. If ever there was a time that I was happy to lose, now was it.

What should one do when faced with a Latino with a superiority complex thirsting to destroy you? The answer is to build him up so much then hit him when he least expects it.

Oh, yes. This was all part of the plan. Alejandro thought he had bested me, Heather got her face remodeled, and one of my fiercest critics had taken a dive. Now that Leshawna was out of the picture, it was one less thorn in my backside. I could finally take control of this team and win with the smarts and knowledge of the future.

"Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen." I said, rubbing my hands.

"You say something?" Owen asked.

"What? No. Nothing." I said.

Farewell, Leshawna. RIP in pepperoni. Or, rather, ' _sausages_ '. Hehe.

* * *

Chris: Chef Hatchet, what does the scouter say about this story's word count level?

Chef: It's over NINETY-THOOOUUSAAAAND!

* * *

Well, we have a lot to get to.

First off, the title. It was supposed to sound like 'breadwinner'. Bread winner, sled weiner... sorta? No? I knew it sounded better in my head.

The main reason I decided to make this arc three chapters instead of four is that (minus Trent's injury) it's pretty much the same as in canon. Also, I really need to get a move on.

So, the Amazons win yet again, and it seems like they're bossing this game, but that might change soon enough. Sorry, Leshawna fans (if any of you were out there), but she had to go. No big surprise there as a lot of you saw this coming.

Ah, well, bye for now!

Horrible punny version:

Wow. I did Nazi that coming. Anne Frankly, I hope Jew didn't either. Please don't be fuhrerious at some of the Hitlerious jokes, for I enjoyed sitting in Mein Kampfy chair and typing it all up.

Ah, well, abschied for now!

* * *

 _ **Vote List**_

IZZY - Leshawna

LESHAWNA - Noah

NOAH - Leshawna

OWEN - Leshawna

 _Vote Count:_ Leshawna (3); Noah (1)

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Team Amazon –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [First Place, First Class]

 **Team Epic –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler [Second Place, Economy Class]

 **Der Chris Mannschaft -** Izzy, Noah, Owen [Third Place, Economy Class]

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna (Voted off)


	23. Rather Peru-plexing

Six stick shifts stuck shut. Six stick shifts stuck shut. Six stick shifts stuck shut. Six stick shifts stuck shut. Six stick shifts stuck shut. Six stick shifts stuck shut.

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxiii -**

* * *

 **Destination 6 (Part One) – Rather Peru-plexing**

 **Current Venue:** Jumbo Jet, Dining Area

 **Geographical Location:** [N/A]

* * *

I started the day by looking at the bruise on my hand. I couldn't help but stare at it. It was a painful reminder of what Alejandro wanted to do.

Actually, I started the day with a rat falling into my mouth, but that's irrelevant. Stupid Economy Class!

I sat in the Dining Area scarfing down on cheese sandwich and juice to get the yucky taste out of my mouth. One thing I really liked about this season as compared to Total Drama Island was the food. We could finally go without eating Chef's mystery meat. I still don't know what the 'mystery' part was and I don't want to find out.

The fact that I was so happy just to be able to eat regular food speaks volumes about how nasty this show is and what it had done to us. Still, I wasn't complaining.

My injury had now subsided and wasn't as glaring as it had been yesterday. However, it was still noticeable if one stared at it for two seconds. Alejandro may think his scare tactics would work on me, but I would not be intimidated. This team was imploding and I had to do something about it. I didn't know if I had a spine, but it was time for me to grow one.

I'm going to keep playing this game the way _I_ intended it. Underhanded tactics such as threats, hatred, and violence will not intimidate me. Not anymore.

Just as I was plotting revenge on the womanizer, Gwen entered the Dining Area.

"Hey." I said to her.

"Hey. I just came here to get away from Heather and the rest."

"So… how's life?" I asked after a kiss that seemed almost forced on my part.

"Meh. Could be better. At least we're winning." She said.

"Was that a bit of gloating in your tone?" I asked.

"Yep. Totally. You guys need to step up your game." Gwen said chuckling.

"Hey, listen, uh… what are you getting out of all this?" I asked.

"What?" She asked, a bit taken aback.

"I mean, all this. Is this making you happy?" I asked her.

"Well, this isn't sudden at all." She deadpanned.

"Sorry. I just needed to know." I said.

"Am I happy? Yeah." Gwen said. "Well, sometimes."

"I don't know. I don't understand." I said. "Why does a weaker person need to latch on to a strong person?"

"Well, what do _you_ get out of it?" Gwen asked.

That completely threw me off my game. Did she mean Owen and me?

"No... it's... it's not the same thing at all." I said. "I mean, we're... it's totally different with us."

" _Us_? What do you mean by ' _us_ '?" Gwen asked.

"Um… well… I mean that... Hey! What's that noise?" I asked, feigning interest. "Just… hold on a second."

I prepared to flee, but Gwen grabbed my arm.

"No. Don't change the frickin' subject." Gwen said.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"That day you thought Geoff was still with Bridgette… what was going on there?"

Ah, crap.

"Uh… well, nothing, really." I said.

"Nothing? I don't think so." Gwen said.

"Come on, what do you want?" I asked.

"You to be open with me." Gwen said. "I think something's troubling you."

I didn't know where to begin or what to say, so I gazed in the downwards direction.

"Are you sure everything is alright?" Gwen asked, running her fingers through my hair. "Look at me."

"What?" I asked.

"Look at me…" She said, grabbing my face and lifting it up.

Then, her eyes went wide in fear.

"Oh, my gosh. What is _that_?" She asked.

The Goth was referring at the kiss-shaped scar that had formed on my hand.

She grabbed my hand. I tried to pull it back, but Gwen had a hell of a grip.

"Um… it's nothing. Don't worry about it." I said.

"Who did this?" Gwen asked.

"...A person." I said.

"Guy or girl?" Gwen asked.

"Why do you care if it's a guy or a girl?" I asked back.

"Why do you care if I ask?" Gwen questioned again.

Then, she realized something.

"This happened during that stupid slapping challenge, didn't it?" Gwen asked.

"This is none of your business." I said. "Leave me alone."

"You're afraid to say it."

"I am not afraid!" I said. "Just let me go."

"No! Talk to me."

"Let go of me!" I said, pulling my hand free. "Leave me alone."

 _This conversation..._

"This conversation…"

 _Is over._

"Is over." I stated.

"I just can't win with you, can I?" Gwen asked, exasperated.

She backed away and closed her eyes, struggling with frustration. She then left to tend to other matters, not looking back.

This was so unlike me.

It was awkward being in an enclosed and confined plane with these people for so long. The previous locations were an island and a film lot, so there was plenty of space to move around. Not so here.

I went over to the Confessional to 'have a clear conscience', so to speak. However, Tyler and Lindsay suddenly burst out of it.

Lindsay's hair was disheveled and frizzled, her lipstick was smeared a bit, her clothing was a bit loose, and her eyes wide with excitement.

Tyler, on the other hand, was adjusting his hair and looked as fresh as ever as though nothing had happened. He was in tip-top shape.

"Oh, Tyler, I always knew you would return." Lindsay said. "I'm kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense. It's like I have ESPN or something."

"Oh! I love that channel!" Tyler said.

"Another thing, my breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain." Lindsay said. "... well, they can tell when it's raining."

"Oh, Lindsay, you are my density- uh, I mean 'destiny'." Tyler stammered. "Crap. I ruined the moment."

Four years, I thought for sure, was all I had to endure. All the total dicks, all the stuck-up chicks. So superficial, so immature. Then, when I graduated, I took a look around and said 'Hey, wait! This is the same as where I just came from. I thought it was over. That's just great.'

The whole damn world was just as obsessed with who's the best dressed and who's having sex, who's got the money, who gets the honeys, who's kinda cute, and who's just a mess. Nothing changes but the faces, the names, and the trends.

It's like high school never ends.

"Hey, Noah, sorry about our argument earlier." Tyler said.

"Huh?"

"I want to squash this beef we've been having." Tyler said. "So… no hard feelings?"

He offered what seemed like a genuine smile.

"None whatsoever." I said, smiling.

No confessing for me.

I was back on the jock's good side. At least something was going right for me today.

I resented how school fed us lies about how we were all one of a kind. Total bullcrap. We are not special. We are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. We're the same decaying organic matter as everything else. We were the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

I left the jock and uber-bimbo and returned to Economy Class. There, I saw my most favorite competitor, Alejandro seated.

I took one look at him and his eyepatch and resisted the urge to burst out laughing.

"Aargh, matey. Scrubbed the poop deck yet, ye scallywag?" I asked trying to do my best pirate impression.

The Latino just glared at me.

Leshawna was the first girl eliminated from this show, and it was all because of this guy. Alejandro was single-handedly trying to dismantle my whole team.

He thought that he had got the better of me by causing Leshawna's elimination. After all, she was the fiercest member of our group. She was certainly the most determined of us four.

However, this move had played right into my hands.

I would no longer have to argue with her every step of the way during challenges. I was free to do what I wanted and I'm sure Izzy and Owen would have no trouble following my orders.

So, the question we should really be asking ourselves is 'Who outsmarted whom?'

I took a seat next to Owen. I placed my hand in my pocket to cover up the injury and prevent anyone else from noticing. After a while, Tyler and Lindsay returned from whatever 'adventures' they were having.

"I… accidentally may have punched Al in the face on accident." The big guy nervously told me.

I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Ha! Nice." I said.

"Leshawna got voted off for hurting Heather, yet I'm still here hurting innocent animals!" DJ said from the other side. "I mean, how long can a curse last, anyways?"

"Aw. Don't worry." Lindsay said, going over to console him.

"So… middle school, huh, Noah?" Trent asked me. "If I didn't know any better, I'd suspect you were a pederast."

"What's a pederast, Trent?"

"Shut the hell up, Tyler!" Trent yelled.

At first, I was confused. Then I remembered my outburst from yesterday and decided to ignore him. He was talking an awful lot of crap for someone with a broken arm.

"I really hope we win the next challenge… or at least, avoid losing." Owen said.

"Well, on the bright side... there is no bright side. We totally suck right now." I said.

My team was falling apart at the seams, and I was doomed because of it.

"Aw, it's okay, guys!" Izzy said, surprising me. "As long as we're a team that gets along, we'll do fine."

"... where did you come from?" I asked.

"Izzy's right!" Owen said. "Heck, we could even become the best team ever!"

"Here's the best team ever!" We heard Chris exclaim, causing all of us to perk up and bringing a smile to our faces.

"...is exactly what I'll say when I walk into the First Class compartment." The host concluded, deflating our moods.

"Ugh." I said as DJ sighed.

Damn you, Chris. Damn you and your trolling ways.

Across from us, Alejandro was conversing with Trent about something.

"Amigo, it seems you're missing our... practice sessions."

"Okay. Listen up, Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu!"

"Burromuerto."

"Whatever." Trent said. "If I can't practice, I can't practice. If I'm hurt, I'm hurt. Simple as that. It's not about that at all. It's easy to talk about and sum it up when you just talk about practice. We're sitting here, and I'm supposed to be an important player, and we're in here talking about practice. I mean, listen, we're talking about _practice_. Not a game! Not a game! Not a game! We're talking about _practice_. Not a challenge. Not the tournament that I go out there and die for and compete in every challenge like it's my last."

"If you could just-"

"Not the game, we're talking about _practice_ , man. I mean, how silly is that?" Trent asked. "We're talking about _practice_. I know I'm supposed to be there. I know I'm supposed to give it my all. I know that. I'm not shoving it aside like it doesn't mean anything. I know it's important. I do. I honestly do, but we're talking about _practice_ , man. What are we talking about? _Practice_? We're talking about practice, man!"

"Well, it's an issue-"

"We're talking about practice!" Trent exclaimed. "We're talking about practice... We ain't talking about the _game_! We're talking about _practice_ , man! When the chips are down, and we're forced to compete, and you see me play... You see me play, don't you?"

"I do, my amigo, on the other hand-"

"You see me give everything I've got, right?"

"Well… yes. However, -"

"Then why the _hell_ are we talking about practice right now?" Trent asked. "Look, I hear you. It's funny to me too. It's strange to me too, but we're talking about _practice_ , man. We're not even talking about the challenge, the actual contest, when it matters, we're talking about practice."

"Practice makes you perfect. You could help improve your teammates."

"How the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing!?" Trent asked, agitated.

"So they can get used to competing with you."

"They should be used to competing with me." Trent said. "Those are my teammates. So my game is going to deteriorate because I'm not practicing with my teammates? Is my game is going to get worse? I'm asking you, is my game going to get worse?"

"No, it isn't, but-."

"Say that again." Trent ordered.

"No. It's not."

"Case closed, then."

Alejandro choosing to argue with Trent? Not a smart move on his part.

Trent noticed me studying the discussion and came over to the bench I was sitting on.

He wrapped his arm around me, which made me feel more than a little awkward.

"What's the matter, Noah?" Trent asked, sensing this. "Are you not comfortable with your sexuality?"

"I'm just not comfortable with yours." I replied without missing a beat.

That made him put a sock in it.

*Beep*

Before any of us could say anything else, we heard Chris's intercom turn on.

"Brace for landing!" He declared. "We've arrived at our next destination… The Amazon!"

"I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing." DJ said, gulping.

"... but, the runway's a _liiiittle_ short." Chris continued.

" _That's_ definitely a bad thing." I said.

Too bad I tore my seatbelt back in The Yukon.

"Gosh. I hope none of the Amazons said this might be lucky for them. That'd be _disastrous_!"

Great. Now, my girlfriend had gone and done it. Although, there really wasn't a way to warn her about this without sounding like a moron.

As Chris said, we crash-landed in the Amazon. You could expect Chris to keep his promises in that regard.

I had become all too familiar with Total Drama and the way things worked around here, and familiarity breeds contempt.

We all crawled out of the plane and gathered outside with our teams.

"Coolio!" Izzy exclaimed. "Isn't this totally awesome, Noah?"

"Izzy, what do you think the answer to that is?" I deadpanned. "I mean, my life has been completely and totally uneventful."

"Not totally… you kissed a guy."

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did."

"Didn't!"

"Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiid."

"Did not!"

I would admit to watching 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' than accept that I kissed a man.

Not that I watch it or anything because I totally don't.

"Did did did did did did dididididid didididid!" Izzy sang.

I'm six years old again, arguing with my siblings.

"Ahem. I can break this tie." Trent said. "He totally did."

"Yeah… no comment." I said.

"Welcome to Peru, the birthplace of the mighty Amazon River!" Chris announced.

"So, the Amazon Rainforest. I couldn't think of a better place to be right now." Gwen commented.

"More like The Amazon _Pain_ -forest." I said.

As we were waiting for the others, I thought about my strategy for this challenge.

Leshawna was the last straw. I was not prepared to let any more people fall for the charms of this megalomaniac.

Both Alejandro and I were intelligent but in different ways. Intelligence is the ability to learn, understand, and acquire knowledge and skills. It is also the ability to apply knowledge to manipulate one's environment. Which definition fit each of us went without saying.

"This challenge is called the Am-AH-Zon Race!" Chris said, mimicking a scared facial expression and doing jazz hands for emphasis.

"Teams must hike along an ancient Inca trail through the Peruvian jungle, all the way to Machu Picchu." Chris said. "Hidden somewhere among the ruins of Machu Picchu, a golden treasure awaits discovery. Find the treasure to win First Class passage to our next destination. Last team to arrive at Machu Picchu will have to send someone out the Elimination Door… and be warned. The jungle contains many vicious insects."

Cody immediately raised his hand.

"Yes, Cody, the legal department made me well aware of your allergies and _insisted_ we supply an EpiPen." Chris said, holding up an epinephrine autoinjector.

The geek rushed up to grab it, but Chris pulled back.

"Wouldn't make sense to give it to the person who _has_ the allergies." Chris said. "What if you need an injection when you're unconscious?"

Fair point.

"Ooh! Ooh! Me! I can take it!" Sierra said, jumping up and down.

"Who can we get to carry this?" Chris asked.

"Oh! Chris! Chriiiis!" The fangirl said, ignoring Heather warning her to shut up.

Cody got down on his knees and begged Gwen to volunteer. The Goth sighed.

"I'll take it." Gwen said.

"What? No!" Sierra exclaimed. "I'm the only one who knows what sends Cody into anaphylactic shock: black ants, brown ants, red ants, bjeo bees, wolf spiders, katydid crickets, the clear-winged cithaerias pireta butterfly, and goat saliva!"

"Goat saliva? Must make dating a little tough, eh, Cody?" Chris teased.

"Here you are, Gwen." He said, tossing the EpiPen to the Goth, much to Cody's delight and Sierra's ire.

"Actually… since Bridgette's more experienced with first aid, I think she should have it." Gwen said.

"Um… okay, I guess." The blonde said as Gwen handed the EpiPen.

"Gwen, why would you give it to Bridgette?" Heather asked. "I thought you were feeling _lucky_?"

"Oh! I have an EpiPen at my house!" Izzy exclaimed. "My friend gave it to me as she was dying. It seemed very important to her that I have it."

Um… okay, then.

"Okay, Chris, I'll tell you the problem with what you're doing here." I said. "It didn't require any discipline to attain it. You observed what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't _earn_ the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could and before you even knew what you had you patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now you're selling it."

"...Well, yeah, pretty much." Chris admitted. "Although no one asked for your opinion. Screw the rules, I have money! Plus, I'm the host!"

"That was expected." Trent said.

"Also in the jungle are the Zing-Zings." Chris said, holding up a picture of the aforementioned group. "... a native tribe who have _never_ encountered modern man, _and_ they're not about to, so, if you spot a Zing-Zing, do... not... make... contact."

"They- will you stop that!?" Chris asked Chef who was loudly banging his timpani in the background.

The cook complied.

"How far away is Mucky Pichi?" Owen asked.

" _Machu Picchu_ is a hop, skip and a jump from here... plus eighteen hours." Chris said.

We all groaned as we often did during these challenge explanations.

"The complete lack of humility for nature that's being displayed here is staggering." I said.

"I remember thinking that this season would be easy since I'd gotten used to unusual, weird, often deadly challenges." Cody said. "I've never been so wrong in all my life."

"The jungle is too dangerous to travel at night, so teams will have to stop at dusk and camp along the trail until sunrise." Chris said.

"So, we have to spend a night in the woods again. Except these woods are way worse than the ones on The Island. No biggie." Bridgette said.

"Holy crap. This really _is_ the worst challenge ever!" Sierra said. "Chris, I really applaud your ingenuity."

"At least there's no Sasquatchanakwa… right?" Cody asked.

"... and I assume there are no tents?" Alejandro asked.

"Correctamundo." Chris answered. "Now, because the playing area is so vast and dangerous, each team will have a walkie-talkie in case of emergency."

Chris pulled out a box of the devices and tossed one to each team. Izzy caught ours. These should come in handy.

We couldn't lose again. If we did, either I or one of my friends would be voted out.

"So… any other boring questions that I probably won't answer?" Chris asked.

"Yes." I said, raising my hand. "How do you get approval for these challenges without the EPA interfering?"

"They're based in the U.S." Chris said. "They can't touch us."

"What about 'Environment and Climate Change Canada', then?" Asked Courtney.

"Oh, they don't care." Chris said.

"Right." DJ said.

"Teams… I wish you good luck, or at the very least, a lack of death." Chris said.

"Yay. That's good to hear." Heather said.

"Bring it on!" Tyler said, trying to pump up his team.

I had come to a realization. Everything I ever loved would either reject me or die. Everything I ever created would be thrown away. Everything I was proud of would end up as trash.

Sure, it was a super pessimistic way to look at things, but it was true. On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

"The world is waiting for you." Chris said. "Good luck. Travel safe. Go!"

"Thank you, Chris McKeoghan." Gwen said.

So, we all made our way into the largest jungle in the world. No one knew what was out there waiting for us.

I was sick of all these lies and evasive maneuvers. From now on, I had to bring complete transparency to my operations. Any shady moves and people would begin to doubt me. I had to stay clean. I wasn't gonna get caught up in any more drama.

 _This is 'Total Drama', so good luck with that._

Brain, you know I love you, and you're correct… but sometimes I really hate you.

* * *

Let's get one thing straight - I make characters leave based on their importance to the story, not how much I like or prefer them. Obviously this is why villains last longer than friends. It draws out the tension.

Sorry for the canon eliminations. There might be more, though I'll try my best to avoid them.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Amazons –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra

 **Epic –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler

 **C-Men -** Izzy, Noah, Owen

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna


	24. Jungle Trek Into Darkness

I forgot to add this in the previous chapter: The end of Germany and Leshawna's elimination marked the completion of the first arc, 'The Brutal Beginning'. We are now into the second (and longest arc), 'Mid-Game Mayhem'. That means more twists and turns as this story's pace picks up.

I wanted to title this chapter 'The Jungle Gym', but I just couldn't pass up this opportunity.

* * *

My parents say I'm special, but who's 'Ed'?

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxiv -**

* * *

 **Destination 6 (Part Two) – Jungle Trek Into Darkness**

 **Current Venue:** The Amazon Rainforest

 **Geographical Location:** Cusco, Cusco Region [Peru]

* * *

Long ago in a distant universe, Matt, the shapeshifting Master of All Time and Temporality, unleashed an unspeakable time rift. Thus, a cynical bookworm wielding a magic brain competed on TDI again. Before the boy could enjoy his future, Matt tore open a portal in time and flung him into the past where Chris's word is law. Now, the teen seeks to alter the past and undo the horrible future that is his life! **[1]**

"What are you talking about?" I asked Izzy. "Rambutans are native to _Asia_ , brainiac, so I highly doubt any wild toucan has ever eaten one! Case closed."

We both paused then, wondering how in the world we had possibly exchanged those words in an actual conversation. The background noise was filled with the chatter of birds and insects and frogs.

"Wow. My parents weren't lying." Owen said. "It really _is_ a jungle out there."

We trekked through the lush green forest and I recalled the fate that awaited those that went right and had convinced my friends to go left. Hopefully, the paths were the same as the first time around. We were off from the word 'go' and had fewer people to worry about, so we probably had a healthy lead.

"Oh man. We're out in the wilderness by ourselves." The blonde said after some time. "This is like what happened on 'Survive This'!"

"An eighteen-hour hike through the Amazon jungle is not how I wanted to spend my summer." I said.

"Ugh. Is it seriously gonna take _eighteen_ hours?" Owen asked.

"Maybe more. Maybe less. Depends on how fast we walk." I said. "I mean, this _is_ the biggest rainforest in the world."

"Is it really that big?" Owen asked.

"Hell yeah. 2,100,000 square miles is a lot." I said. "To put that into perspective, The Amazon represents over half of the remaining rainforests on this planet."

"Wow."

"Yep." I said. "Thirteen percent of the Amazon rainforest comprises sixty percent of Peru. Does that make sense to you?"

"Um… kind of."

I decided to stop with the amazing Amazon facts, for now, to prevent the big guy's head from exploding.

We had to stop the supremacy of Team Amazon (no pun intended). If they lost, Heather's head would be on the chopping block.

The great thing about a challenge like this was that we had a lot of time to talk, just like The Awakeathon in season one. Unlike that challenge, we were nowhere near the other teams. That meant that Alejandro would be getting nowhere near our team for this challenge.

"I worry about you sometimes, Owen." I said. "You just fold under questioning."

"I'm afraid of what's in here." Owen said. "There could be killer mosquitoes thieving monkeys or even man-eating lions."

"Ha! You think monkeys, mosquitoes, and lions are bad?" Izzy asked. "That's just the beginning. I've seen things you've only seen in your nightmares. Things you can't even imagine. Things you can't even see. There are things that haunt you in the night. Something screams. You hear them eating, and you hope that you're not dessert. Afraid? You don't know what afraid is. You will not last five minutes without me."

"Probably not." Owen said. "I sure hope we don't encounter those Zing-Zings."

"Seems a lot like the Mashco-Piro tribe to me." I said,

"I've heard stories about them." Izzy said. "They've been preying on unsuspecting people and settlements for near ten years now. They never leave any survivors."

"No survivors?" I asked. "Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?"

"Just make sure you have that walkie-talkie by you at all times." I said. "That way, we can ask Chris for help if we get into a spot of bother."

I knew that here was a good chance the device didn't have batteries, but I wanted to reassure my pal.

After a while, Owen got tangled in some vines as we were walking through the foliage.

"Ahhhhh! Nature! It's all over me! Get it off!" He screamed as he ran around in circles.

Izzy quickly stepped on the vine and freed him.

"Thank you!"

"We're going on an adventure! Just like ' _The Three Musketeers'_!" Izzy exclaimed. "All for one and one for all!"

"You read that book?" I asked her, raising an eyebrow.

"You betcha, Noah boa." Izzy said. "I should call you that throughout our journey here since we're in a jungle and it's full of snakes! Haha!"

"I know it too!" Owen said.

"You do?"

"Yep! It's one of my favorite chocolate bars." He said.

"Oh."

One could always get the truth from Owen. That was one of his major weaknesses. He never told lies, he never committed crimes, and he never cheated anyone.

"So, uh, Noah? Have you ever gotten the feeling that there might be something going on behind your back?" The teen asked. "Like, even more than you think?"

"Oh, yeah. All the time." I said.

"Really?"

"All the time."

"Hm."

Since I first arrived on Total Drama Island, (and I mean _originally_ ), I knew it would be quite a challenge for me. I took one look at the others and realized that more than half of them were complete and utter idiots. They were the worst kind of idiots, too. Idiots that _know_ they are idiots get at least a little respect from me. What I can't stand are idiots that think that they're geniuses, when in all honesty, they couldn't tell mud from their own crap. Lindsay, Tyler, Katie, Justin, Sadie… the list goes on and on.

When I first joined World Tour, (again, _originally_ ), I had a different plan. I would be an idiot, just like the rest of them. Painful as it was, it apparently worked since I managed to get further. However, the moment I showed signs of intelligence I was gone.

So, I devised a new plan. There was no reason why I should be ashamed of my intelligence and superior intellect. As long as I didn't rub it in everyone else's faces like Harold did, I should be fine.

"There are these butterflies in Central America." I said. "They're blue and orange and yellow and have poison in their wings. It's just enough to stop a bird heart, but the birds know this somehow, so they don't eat them."

"Oh. Smart birds."

"Yeah." I said. "Then, there are these other ones. _Butterflies_. They're orange, blue and yellow too, but without poison wings. The birds don't eat them either because they can't tell the difference. So they're just flying around, looking dangerous, getting by on their looks."

"Wow. How do you know so much stuff?" Owen asked.

"Reading." I said.

"Oh."

"As I was saying, some of the people on this show are just like those butterflies." I said. "They're slipping through undetected and under the radar. They're not who they seem and we need to be careful."

"Yeah, Heather's bad and Trent's a jerk." Owen said. "I'll watch out for them."

"You're missing the forest for the trees." I said. "I meant the newcomers."

"Oh. Got it." Owen said.

We walked in silence for a while. We were in the heart of the jungle now as evidenced by the thick canopy above us. The only sounds were the insects and other critters that scuttled along the muddy floor.

"Do you think Al will forgive me for punching him in the face?" Owen asked. "He seems like a good guy and I'd hate to lose his friendship."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Especially after what I just said.

Sure, on the surface, Alejandro appeared to be a polite, dashing, charming gentleman, but underneath he is a dark and twisted man. He used his charm and exceptional persuasion to advance further in the game. He had proven to be one of the show's deadliest contestants, the number of eliminations he had originally caused only rivaling that of Heather.

Needless to say, I was more than a little worried to hear Owen refer to him as a 'friend'.

"Do you trust him?" Owen asked.

"Psh. As if." I said. "I mean, in a show like this, who's reliable?"

"I am." Said the big guy. "Right?"

"Owen, you are one in a million." I said. "Unfortunately, not many are like you."

The teen just nodded.

"Dude, I think you need to watch yourself around Alejandro." I said. "I trust that guy about as far as I can throw him."

"Well, you can't really throw him very far with those skinny arms of yours." Said Owen.

"Exactly. That's the point." I said.

"What do you mean?" Owen asked.

I had to choose my next words very carefully.

"He just seems... too nice to be true, you know?"

"Yeah, I get it!" Owen said. "Wait… no. I don't."

"He's like a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma drizzled with conundrum and tied with a pretty ribbon of obfuscation." I said.

"A what?" Owen asked.

"Just don't get too chummy with him." I said. "It helps to have a healthy dose of skepticism."

"Well... If you say so." Owen said.

I give up. Attempting to discuss strategy with my team was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

The three of us kept walking onwards. Well, Izzy was doing somersaults.

"Welcome, the tiny group of me." Chris said. "I'd say 'team', but you're more of a trio."

"... but, hey, first is first, so you get to cross this water hazard using the t-bar." Chris said before I could comment. "Everyone else will have to take the rope hand over hand."

"Alright! Let's go!" Owen said.

He quickly grabbed the t-bar and rode it down the rope.

*SNAP!*

The t-bar broke and Owen fell into the water. Some angry fish snapped at him and he quickly raced to shore.

"Oh, yes." Chris said. "There may or may not be piranhas in this water."

"That looks nasty." I said, wincing.

"I bet it feels even nastier." Chris said.

"Well, then. The t-bar's gone. Izzy? Got any bright ideas?" I asked.

"Does she really look like a girl with a plan?" Chris asked.

"Noah, take your pants off." Izzy said.

"What!?"

Without waiting for a reply, the redhead yanked my belt and looped it around the rope. She grabbed me with her other hand and we swung to safety. Not a second too soon, I might add, for I could barely hold on.

"Ow." Owen said as he pulled a piranha out of his mouth.

So, we continued on our way.

"In the jungle, the mighty jungle. The lion sleeps tonight…" Izzy sang.

"At any given moment, the urge to sing that song is only a whim away." I noted.

"A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away-" Izzy sang.

"Case in point."

Most people join this game to win it. They have clever plans and schemes to get what they want. Izzy just wanted to have fun.

"So, Noah, there's something that I really wanted to ask you."

"What is it, Iz?"

"Well… if you and I ever got married-" The redhead began.

I immediately covered my ears.

"La la la la! I can't hear you!" I shouted. "I don't even want to know where you're planning to go with this conversation!"

Even if I _did_ hook up with Izzy, I had to do it in such a way that it wouldn't tarnish my reputation or damage my friendship with Owen. I went over to the guy.

"Can I ask you why you don't like Al?" Owen asked. "He seems like a good guy to me."

"Like I said, I don't trust the guy." I said. "He's like an eel dipped in grease, swimming in motor oil."

"Dirty?"

"Slippery." I said. "He's like a combination of Heather and Justin, only with more social skills."

"Justin…" Owen said dreamily.

"Dude… are you salivating?"

"No!" Owen quickly said.

"I know I seem paranoid, but I'm telling you guys that Alejandro is not to be trusted." I said.

"Or maybe you have a guy crush on him, and you're hiding it from yourself by putting up a wall of suspicion!" Izzy said.

Izzy, something tells me you're looking at the wrong person.

"I'm not gay, alright?" I said, frustrated. "Owen, why'd you have to bring this up now?"

"Come on, Noah." Owen said. "Do you honestly think I intended all of this to happen? You want me to say I'm sorry? Is that what you want? Okay. I'm so-"

"Quiet!" I said, hearing some rustling coming from near us.

"He just silenced me." Owen said.

"Look, Noah." Izzy said. "You have to be more understanding-"

"Shush!"

"Hey! No one shushes the Izzy!"

"Do you hear that? Can't you hear that?"

That was when, out from the bushes, there emerged… a rabbit.

"Wow. That's certainly anticlimactic." I said.

Darkness washed over us all. It was darker than a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night.

We had walked for almost nine hours at this point. It was grueling. Chris hadn't shown up to give us bananas, which meant that our team was no longer in the first position.

"Need rest." Owen muttered. "...and water. Oh, nachos would be killer right now, eh?"

"Sure." I said. "All we're missing is chips, beef, tomatoes, cheese, salsa-"

"Hey, slow down, guys! I'm making a list!"

"I get tired easily." Owen said. "It's probably because I'm so fat."

"You're not fat." I said. "You're just... easier to see."

"Well, guys, the sun's getting real low." Izzy said.

"Yeah. It's too risky to travel at night." I said. "Better settle down and set up camp before it gets too dark. We can continue at daybreak."

I made a marking on a tree pointing in the direction we travel in the next morning and told the others about it.

We had collected enough wood to make a small fire and huddled around it. Owen and Izzy began to talk about something and I rested my eyes for a bit.

I heard a rumbling.

"Is that coming from the fire?" Owen asked.

"Fires rarely growl." I said, sitting up.

"Izzy built it, so that makes it a _wild_ fire, right?" Owen asked. "Maybe wildfires fires growl."

Five gigantic green caterpillars came into view and one of them spit into the fire, extinguishing it.

We ran for a long time. It was now too dark to even make out our trembling hands in front of our no doubt terrified faces.

"Izzy! Where are you?" Owen asked.

"Izzy!" I yelled as well and got no reply.

"Oh no." Owen said. "What if those things took her?"

"Anything but that." I said.

I felt around aimlessly in the darkness. Eventually, there was something soft and warm in my fingers. It felt like dough.

"Hiiiii-ya!" I heard Izzy say as I felt her foot connect with me.

"Mommy!" I yelped, immediately falling to the ground.

Unfortunately, her shoe struck me in my most sensitive area. Izzy might have prevented me from having kids with her in the future.

"Ow! My balls!" I wailed.

What a nut-shot from a nutcase!

"Oopsie." Izzy said. "Sorry, Noah! I felt something grab me but I didn't know it was you."

"That's okay." I squealed.

At least she wasn't wearing high heels. I whimpered at the thought. I knew there would be those who would look at the video footage and think I was being a 'wuss' or a 'weakling'. I knew who maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

I ask them this: How come many women want to have another child, yet no man wants to get kicked in the nuts again?

Therefore, I conclude that a testicular blow is exponentially more painful than childbirth.

"Well, I think it's time for us to make like a midget in a fist-fight and hit the sack." I said.

"Agreed." Owen said. "Is it weird that this place is more comfortable than sleeping in Economy Class?"

"Not at all, chubby buddy." I said.

"Well, it's getting late." Owen said. "I guess I'm gonna zzz."

He fell asleep with one of us tightly clutched in each arm.

I had an oddly nostalgic feeling. In youth, I'd lay awake at night and scheme of all the things that I would change, but it was just a dream.

"You know, Noah," Izzy remarked. "Owen may be my boyfriend, but I know that you're, like, his good little buddy-pal too."

"Yeah." I said. "So?"

"Well, you kinda really need as many friends as you can get, haha, yeah, so I just wanted you to know that it's cool with Izzy if you want to share, okay?" The redhead asked.

"Well... that's funny." I replied. "Because I was about to say the exact opposite of what you just said."

"Aw, come on, Noah! You know I was just kidding!"

"Yeah. Sure you were." I said. "...We should probably sleep. Got a big day ahead of us."

"Sleep?" Izzy asked. "Sleep is for the weak!"

She was out in two seconds flat. I closed my eyes as well.

It was a starry night. I saw a lovely green forest and heard the sounds of a rushing river. Lurking in the trees were colorful flights of butterflies, like animated bouquets.

Then, the stars all began disappearing one after the other. The world twisted and I felt like I was falling into total darkness. A voice spoke up during my descent and I spun around in mid-air to come face to face with a giant red genie-like creature.

"You've forgotten your purpose!" The genie bellowed.

Huh?

The genie then dissipated into red smoke. Out from this smoke emerged something that looked like my head. The only difference was that my pupils were missing, so my eyes looked as white as snow. Towering above me, it opened its mouth and its teeth glistened like pearls, though the words that came from it weren't as eloquent.

"You're just a lazy self-obsessed dork pretending to be cool!" It screamed. "Season two was a fluke! Just give up, already. It's fitting that you have 'no' in your name because you're nothing!"

"Look at yourself!" I yelled. "You're a coward and an idiot for thinking that Gwen or Izzy or anyone else would even give a damn about you!"

This head then faded into obscurity as a new one took its place. This head was my girlfriend's.

"Why are you doing this?" She asked, sobbing uncontrollably. "Are you just stringing me along?"

Her face was a mess and her eyes were red and bloodshot. Instead of tears streaming down Gwen's face, there was something much worse: blood.

"Do I not matter to you? How does this make you any different from the people you hate?"

Wait, no, Gwen! That's not true! I-

Gwen's head was then ripped in two by a long, green, two-headed snake. The fangs dug deep into Gwen's skull. It slithered around and seemed to stretch on infinitely. The blood from Gwen's head spilled everywhere and combined with her bloody tears. Then, each of the monstrous snake's heads devoured half of Gwen.

One of the snake's faces morphed into that of Trent. He had a cold sneer on his face and licked his lips.

"She's mine, you runt! You hear me!?" Trent's head hissed.

The other face morphed into the charmer, Alejandro.

"Mmm. Delicious." He said. "You're starting to turn into me, Noah!"

No, I wasn't. I am not like you!

A huge blob fell on the snake, crushing them. The blob then came together to form another head, that of the host. What is with all these heads?

Two big, sharp, red horns protruded out of the face. Then, the whole face turned red. The eyes were black as coal. It snorted, and smoke billowed out from its nose.

"Give up now or watch all your friends fail!" The voice boomed. "Choose your fate!"

No! I can protect my friends!

"Ha ha ha!" Chris's head thundered.

Then, out of nowhere, the head burst into flames. Out from the smoke emerged a friendly figure.

Matt! Long time, no see!

"Your doom has not been avoided in any way!" He warned. "There is not much time! The evil you seek to destroy, the one you desire to vanquish, is not what you believe! It is much more powerful!"

What? What does that mean?

Damn it, Matt! I wish you could stop being so cryptic and offer me some straightforward advice for once.

 _Gotta get back,_

 _Back to the future..._

Then, right at that moment, a giant black hand emerged over Matt.

Watch out!

It descended and squashed him like a bug.

Too late.

I found myself enshrouded by darkness once again.

Eventually, two giant eyes opened up in the dark abyss above me and a fanged mouth bared its terrifying teeth. The teeth were a ghastly yellow and covered in blood. Its eyes shined like lightbulbs and were tough to gaze upon. Its long and slimy pink tongue licked the blood from its teeth.

Whatever this thing was, it appeared to enjoy what it was doing to me. It savored the words it was about to say as they forced themselves into me.

"Quit hiding behind your little toys and fight like a man!" It roared in a deep voice.

The words felt like daggers piercing my eardrums and shook me out of my catatonic state.

I shot up. The monster's voice was so loud that my ears were still ringing from the sound of it. I was breathing heavily and still feeling pretty groggy.

Why can't I just have normal dreams like normal people?

The panic in my chest was slowly fading as the adrenaline wore off. My fingers were wet and I realized I was covered in sweat. This was worse than some of Chris's challenges.

"Just a dream." I told myself.

 _It felt so real, though._

I was so caught up in that dream (which seemed more like a nightmare) that it took me a while to notice the sun shining brightly. It was daytime.

"Guys, time to get going." I said to the others.

There was just one problem: There _were_ no others. I couldn't make out anyone in the vicinity.

My teammates were missing. Izzy and Owen were nowhere to be seen.

"Owen! Izzy!" I called. "Is this some kind of prank? This isn't funny! Come out!"

I yelled myself hoarse but received no response. Not good.

I was all alone.

* * *

 **[1]** I'm not the only one who's stoked about the new season of Samurai Jack, am I?

Now is when things start to get a little more angsty and we will see the tone shift a bit. Every aspect of Noah's dream represents something such as self-doubts, criticisms, grief, etc. (Hooray for symbolism!) Feel free to have a crack at it in the reviews if you like.

* * *

So, Noah's stuck in the jungle. Big deal. If you thought this was bad, then just wait until you see what I've planned next.

 _*Wicked laughter that lasts too long and dissolves into coughing*_

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Amazons –** Bridgette, Cody, Courtney, Gwen, Heather, Sierra

 **Epic –** Alejandro, DJ, Lindsay, Trent, Tyler

 **C-Men -** Izzy, Owen, Noah (Separated?)

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna


	25. Forest Slump

A big welcome to all you people. I have an announcement to make. I want you to read everything I have to say.

Please just hear me out on this and don't jump to conclusions. All the details are in the text and I may have answered some of your questions already.

Really, I don't quite know how to say this. I know it'll seem so sudden and out of place. That's because it is. Just hear me out, okay?

I guess I'll just go out and say it. There is no use in prolonging the inevitable. Here goes nothing...

Lately, I feel like my interest in this story is fading. I'm not as excited to publish a chapter as I once was.

First, I want to make it clear that it's not your fault. This is all on me. I have commitments elsewhere which I didn't have before.

Over time, more and more of my other stuff pops up and I'm overloaded with so much work. I started this when I was in college. Now I have a job.

Other stories have also taken my interest away from this one. I made a sequel because I _had_ too, not because I wanted to. I wish I had never started writing this.

Leaving this story incomplete is not what I wanted to do, but I'm sad to say that it has indeed been canceled. I'm really sorry, guys.

So, in conclusion, read only the first letter of every line of these ten sentences to discover the hidden message.

…

…

…

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Gotcha, didn't I? :)

* * *

If you'll recall, when we last left Noah, he was stranded and alone in the Amazon rainforest. Now we learn his fate…

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxv -**

* * *

 **Destination 6 (Part Three) – Forest Slump**

 **Current Venue:** The Amazon Rainforest

 **Geographical Location:** Cusco, Cusco Region [Peru]

* * *

I sat and hugged my knees as I leaned against a sturdy acai palm tree. It was just one of the four hundred billion trees in this forest. The 'Euterpe precatoria' was the most dominant of the 16,000 tree species within the Amazon.

I was curled up into a ball and stared at the ground in a nearly catatonic state. Human beings sleep, on average, eight hours every day. Since there are 24 hours in a day, that means we spend around a third of our lives sleeping.

All the thoughts from last night rushed through my head.

Dreams feel real while they're happening. It's only when the dreamer wakes up that they realize something was strange.

The most vivid and memorable dreams occur in the last stage of sleep. This stage is commonly known as rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. What entered my defenseless mind last night was the worst nightmare I had experienced in years, perhaps ever. I shuddered at the thought of being trapped in the darkness with whatever that yellow eyed monster was. The whole thing was so… macabre. Looking around the forest, I gulped before shooting my head up at the sun.

At that moment, I was never more thankful for something in my life. I was glad not to be alone in the jungle in the dead of night. I found myself almost entranced by the beauty of that glowing star, burning brightly in the sky. It was a fiery white orb hanging in the sky providing light for the entire place.

The sun was a source of near-infinite power, something I had taken for granted. I guess when you see something everyday and get used to it, it diminishes in importance. All the energy we could possibly ever use for free forever. Okay, maybe not _forever_ , at least not until we could figure out a way to reverse entropy.

It wasn't all that complicated, burning hydrogen into helium. Still, life couldn't exist without it. Any closer, and we would all be burnt to a crisp like a roasted marshmallow. Any further, and we would be popsicles in the sub-zero temperature. We were at the proper distance. There were still a billion years left to go, though we'd probably screw this planet up before then.

Then, I felt a stinging sensation on my hand. Either that sun was trying to burn my hand off or I was seeing black and red dots across my hand.

Oh no! Those weren't dots, they were _ants,_ and they were biting me. I tried to shake them off and slapped at them. It was unnerving watching them scamper across the jungle floor towards me.

I lifted my foot up and crushed one, then two, then many more under my heel. Die, ants, die! This is what you get for the pain you have caused me!

Boy, was it painful. It hurt much more than what Alejandro did to my hand. Thankfully, it wasn't the same one. I tried not to scratch my hand. The pain only lasted for a few seconds, but the itching was rather irritable. I just hope the swelling reduced before I find the others.

 _If_ I find the others.

Darn it, where were they? I remembered that this wasn't the first time I was lost in a forest and had to find my way back. I was faced with the same scenario when we were in the final four and I made it out with no serious injuries.

However, I was eliminated in the same episode for coming in last, so I wasn't really sure how I should feel right now.

I knew that this episode was originally a reward challenge, but with Chris cancelling the elimination after the Yukon challenge, one reward challenge from the original timeline would now end in elimination. In other words, with Chris, expect anything.

 _In the jungle you must wait until the dice read 'five' or 'eight'._

I wonder what Cody was up to right now. Had he and his team been rounded up and captured by the Zing-Zings like last time.

More importantly, where did Izzy and Owen go? I'm sure they didn't leave me here on purpose. Either way, it was of no use to wait for them. I would have to go on ahead. Maybe we would meet up later. It's easier to be found if you're moving.

As anyone else who's walked alone for a long time can attest to, my mind started to drift.

A lot of us think that we're greater than what we actually are. We want to believe that we're part of something bigger. We think the Earth would stop moving if we didn't do what we had to do, and that was wrong. The fact was that we were just an insignificant speck in this vast universe, nothing more.

If I dropped dead at this instant, nothing would change. Life would go on as always. No matter how big or important you are, that's what would happen. Maybe some people would stop to mourn your loss, but time and tide wait for no man.

It waited for me, though. I got to go back not once, but _twice_ to change my future and the future of the ones around me. How _much_ I had altered it, I would only know once the dust had settled and this whole mission was complete.

Man, even with my power of future knowledge, I was doing a crappy job.

I just hoped this wouldn't turn into the 'Terminator' series where I kept getting sent back in time.

That made me remember my nightmare, unfortunately.

Still, the one thing that stuck out from the fearful imagery was Matt and his words.

He said that I hadn't avoided my doom. True, since the eliminations so far had been almost the same as they were in the original timeline. The only exception was Bridgette, who would have been booted had it not been for Chris making The Yukon a reward challenge.

Timelines, wormholes, dimensions of space-time, alternate universes. I still couldn't believe that all this stuff was real.

Anyway, Matt said that the evil I sought to destroy was actually not what I believed and that the true evil was much more powerful.

The evil I wanted to get rid of...

Well, I had a hit-list of characters that I intended to take down, and Alejandro was right at the top of it.

So who was the one even more powerful? Trent?

Trent was a real jerk, but how was he more powerful than Alejandro?

Maybe it was Chris. I've been getting on his nerves since day one and it has showed at the Barf Bag Ceremony. Even so, was Matt expecting me to get rid of Chris?

Wait, Matt never told me to get rid of Chris. He could have just been warning me to watch out for Chris.

Yeah, I already know that Chris is a slimy pain in the ass. Thank you for that, Matt!

Then, I remembered what Matt said before he sent me back to the beginning of Total Drama World Tour.

 _You'll know if you've succeeded if, when all's said and done, your journey has ended where it had begun._

What did he mean by that?

I need to pick up the pace. I can decode Matt's mysterious messages once I'm on the plane. Right now, I need to focus on staying in this contest.

I looked at my hand. The swelling from the ant bites was slowly declining.

Maybe there was a plant that could accelerate the healing process.

The flipside was that the plant could also aggravate my condition, and I didn't want to risk it. Time is the best medicine, after all.

Weird. Getting bitten by those ants had distracted me from the wound Alejandro caused.

Speaking of Alejandro, I wouldn't mind bumping into him and Team Epic or Team Amazon right now. I just needed the assurance that I wasn't all alone out here… or in life.

Drop a frog in boiling water and it will jump out immediately. Plop it in cold water and slowly increase the temperature and the amphibian will be cooked to death. That was Alejandro's strategy.

I remembered what transpired during our time in season one. We were marooned on a small island in an endless sea, confined to a tiny speck of land, unable to escape.

Our colony was awash in schemes, alliances, betrayals, and petty manipulations, usually over the most minor of things. Our own follies and blind spots frequently sabotaged any chance of rescue or escape, and nobody ever seemed to learn anything from their mistakes.

It was almost the same this time around. Alejandro had taken this show by storm, and I was fighting a battle of attrition with him.

Like M.C. Hammer, I couldn't even touch him. He was invincible… for now.

In the process of us trying to one-up each other throughout the season, Alejandro had thrown sportsmanship out the window. In fact, he was probably the king of gamesmanship.

Gamesmanship is when someone pushes the rules to the limit without getting caught and using methods that are dubious or improper, but not necessarily illegal or against the rules.

Breaking the opponent's flow of play, causing them to take the game less seriously or to overthink their position, and intentionally making a 'mistake' to gain an advantage over an opponent, are examples of gamesmanship. He had done all those things in the last challenge.

By losing on purpose during the last challenge, he had actually affected me more than he would have if he had won.

Boy, was he good or what?

I all the TV shows I've seen and media I've digested and books I've read, I learnt a lot about good and evil. It's the bad guys who always have some warped vision of the world and it's the good guys that stop them. Basically all that good guys do is stop bad guys, nothing else.

Bad guys are the ones who cause change, while good guys want to maintain the status quo. The fact of the matter is, without bad guys, there wouldn't be any good guys, because they wouldn't have anything to do.

For a brief moment, I thought about how things were going on back home. What were my eight brothers and sisters doing right now? I know my parents really didn't give a crap about this show because I didn't win. Found that out the hard way.

In this timeline, I won the second season, though. If only I could have seen the looks on their faces.

Screw you, mom and dad, I'm _not_ doing fine. You guys _aren't_ on my mind.

It wasn't just me. It could be the fact that we were teenagers, but a lot of us were dealing with family problems. I thought about how most of our parents were either dumb or apathetic to this show. Hell, it was almost as if we were chosen _specifically because_ our parents wouldn't complain about the show.

Of course, I had only met some of the parents in person, so I had only accounts and those Total Drama video messages to go by. A lot of the cast members opened up about their parents down the road when they didn't have the stress of competition weighing down on them.

Having a crapload of siblings didn't seem to be the only reason for unattached parents. Cody was an only child and his parents barely gave a hoot as to what he did as long as he got good grades.

Gwen was raised by a single mom, DJ's dad passed away when he was young, and I really didn't know much about Izzy's parents. One would think that with all the blabbering she does, she'd talk about them once or twice, but she was tight-lipped as ever. Duncan's parents were members of the police force, as were some of his other family members, so I'm guessing their relationship was just fine and dandy.

I don't even need to think about Ezekiel's parents after what he said after the first TDI challenge. The least I can gather is that his father was a somewhat sexist influence on him. Harold's parents were divorced. Heather probably acted like a spoiled brat at home, so her parents would be more than happy to get her out of the house. Either way, they had a strained relationship.

Bridgette would later tell me that she was adopted. Even _Alejandro_ was unhappy with the way his mother favored his brother more than him. Of all my friends, I feel like Owen's parents are the ones that really shower the most affection on their offspring. Then again, they did blow a bunch of money on a cheese cellar, so I don't think they're too bright.

Again, it was difficult to judge what goes on inside someone's house through small glimpses, but the majority of us had it bad when it came to family relations.

That was my assumption from the looks of things and what I could gather, anyway. I couldn't speak for all of us, but I don't think our parents understood the gravity of the situation we were in.

We could end up dying on this show.

I sat down and tried to convince myself otherwise, but I just couldn't bring myself to accept it. Our lives were at stake here. There was no getting around it.

We weren't just competing for the money, we were competing for our lives. We had avoided death from overheating (hyperthermia), blowing up, freezing (hy _po_ thermia), falling, insect bites, and being mauled by piranhas.

Those were just the ones that came to mind off the top of my head. I wasn't sure if I was prepared to pay the ultimate price, even with a million dollars on the line.

Sure, that might sound pessimistic, but it was also had a very realistic chance of occurring. A small chance, but still a chance.

Why did I have to do this? What was my purpose? Why was I having an existential crisis all of a sudden?

I hated the slash and burn techniques used here. For thousands of years, human beings had screwed up and trashed and crapped on this planet, and now history expected me to clean up after everyone. I have to wash out and flatten my soup cans and account for every drop of used motor oil.

Now, I have to foot the bill for nuclear waste and buried gasoline tanks and landfilled toxic sludge dumped a generation before I was born. Our generation was born with the burden of all the bad stuff that was caused by the ones before, and they had the nerve to call us 'irresponsible'. Really? Because that's what will solve problems caused by people: more people! How ingenious!

Such thinking may tiptoe on the side of misanthropy… antinatalism, even, but I didn't care. That's just how I felt. I think this show only served to increase such feelings.

Total Drama had been a big part of my life, but Total Drama only exists between the hours when Total Drama starts and when Total Drama ends. The rest of the time, we were free to do whatever the heck we wanted to.

I met and talked to some people outside of the show. Who we were in Total Drama was not who we were in the rest of the world. Even if I could tell someone they had a good strategy, I wouldn't be talking to the same person. Besides, we usually talked about anything but the show as it just led to arguments and fights over whose tactics was better.

Though we learned about Manifest Destiny in school, our thoughts would often wander to what destiny would manifest itself upon us come summertime. Certain lessons we had learned at Total Drama's School of Hard Knocks were like no other.

After a season ended and it was time for school again, I got right in everyone's hostile little face. 'Yes, these are bruises from Total Drama.'. 'Yes, I'm comfortable with that.'. 'I am enlightened.'.

After Total Drama, everything else in my life got the volume turned down. I could deal with pretty much anything. The people who once had complete power over me now had less and less.

The big problem was that we had no control over what this show aired or didn't air. Everything we said and did could get edited or taken out of context. The networks could then cut down stuff even further due to advertisements. The people who competed on the show weren't the ones who decided what was important.

It was all up to MPA Canada, so, ultimately, the MPAA. They were the ones in charge of the ratings on this show. This show had to have a PG rating. It was the only way to get the ratings they so craved. That way, they included a majority of the family audience.

Throw in some toilet humor, pandering, and statements that you're not like all those other reality shows and you've found a loyal userbase. Just make the episodes look less horrible than how they actually are and you're golden.

So, speaking out was useless too since you knew no one was going to listen. Unless you wanted to be typecast as a stereotype, you had to be very careful with what you say. I learnt that the hard way after watching season one on television. The way they twisted our words and actions to fit their storyline was just infuriating to me.

We weren't people, just labels. Heather was 'the villain', Owen was the 'fart machine', and Cody was just a part of the 'love triangle arc'. If we wished to avoid similar treatment this time around, our only option was to keep our mouths shut, which we certainly could not do.

I noticed a mouse scuttling across the dirt. A snake popped out of the bushes and gobbled it up. Not too long after, a hawk swooped down and carried the snake away.

It's funny how all living organisms are alike. When the chips are down, when the pressure is on, every creature on the face of the Earth is interested in one thing and one thing only: its own survival.

I couldn't afford to make the same mistakes as last time and still expect to survive. I had to be smarter. For me, getting good grades and acing tests in school is easy peasy lemon squeezy. It was these competitions that got me. Crud. Why didn't I just join a quiz show?

I just have one question: How the hell did I manage to win Total Drama Action?

I kept walking, and walking, and walking. What else could I do? I didn't know where I was going but I hoped I was on the right path. If there was a way I got into this jungle, I could certainly get out.

No matter how much I detested participating on this show, I couldn't deny that it was addicting. I would probably watch it over the thousands of other shows spouting useless drivel.

We were living in a world where comedians and satirists were better at delivering news than actual news channels. We used to laugh at comedians and listen to politicians. Now, it was the total opposite.

The thing was, Chris wanted to maintain the quality of this show through innovation. He liked to keep things fresh. Singing? Who else would've thought of that? Granted, some challenges were boring or copies of other shows, but a majority of them were simply ingenious.

I know Chris doesn't deserve all the credit for this show, but he's certainly a major reason why people keep coming back week after week to turn on their television sets and watch in primetime.

Christian Maclean had refused to let Total Drama wallow in mediocrity and fall into the realm 'so bad it's good' category like the many shows before. 'Big Brother', 'American Idol', and 'The Apprentice' are just three examples of shows that are way past their expiry date that come to mind.

Thank goodness at least one of them is off the air now. Shows simply get stale when allowed to go on for too long, but Total Drama was riding a high and I don't think they would consider pulling the plug on it for a long time.

Some shows are just of such poor quality that it's rather amusing to watch the characters flounder about. Chris tried desperately not to let Total Drama fall to such low standards, and that was one of the very few things we could appreciate him for. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.

I stopped. Standing there, just a few feet in front of me, was a jaguar. It had its back turned and was feasting on a deer. The Amazon was home to the largest population of jaguars, and I hoped I wouldn't be this one's next meal.

I got down and crawled on all fours past it. My clothing was different from the green and brown of the forest and would certainly attract its attention. The big cat either didn't see me or was too preoccupied on the deer that I had hunted to notice me. Either way, it was a lucky escape. Once I felt I was far enough from the jaguar, I got back up.

If I had a dollar for every time I escaped death on this show…

I thought back to the time before I was forced to partake in an elimination-based competition for the grand prize of one million Canadian dollars. Was I still the same person I was now? No. Definitely not. Total Drama had changed me, for better or for worse. It had changed all of us.

On Total Drama Island, we could reject the basic assumptions of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions.

We are not our jobs. We are not how much money we have in our bank account. We are not the car we drive. We are not the contents of our wallets. We are not our frickin' khakis. We are not the smartphone we own.

We are not our retweets, Facebook likes, or Instagram followers. Self-worth can't be measured in numbers. We are not defined by our material possessions. We're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Being on a reality show didn't make any of us special. We are not beautiful or unique snowflakes. We were the same decaying organic matter as everything else. The sooner we learned that, the better.

We like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like the globe would fall apart if we weren't here. A lot of us often overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. We're so obsessed with making our lives seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is.

The same could be said of myself. So, I was on a reality show. Society and the media made me seem like I was a legend that would be spoken of for decades to come. I thought I was the next Einstein or Sartre or Tesla. I looked down on others as if I was so advanced. Well, if I was so frickin' advanced, what was I doing wandering around in the Amazon jungle?

No. I was no different. I wasn't the next anyone. I was the first Noah Carter. I couldn't exempt myself and escape unscathed. I'm not special either. This was relevant for all of us. I was just as bad, if not worse than the others. At least they had the excuse that they were idiots. A dude as smart as me wasn't even supposed to be on this show!

I thought back to the matter at hand: getting to Machu Picchu. I had to take this whole season one challenge at a time. My legs were aching. How long had I been walking?

I guess a quick rest couldn't hurt. Once I got my energy back, I could be on my way.

I don't know how long I had been resting for when I heard a rustling in the bushes, and this one was a lot louder than a bunny. I hid behind a tree and watched. I got a good first look at this creature as it entered the clearing.

Turns out there were _three_ creatures. Out came three men wearing big green masks with three red eyes on it. They looked awfully familiar...

Oh no! It was the Zing-Zings, and those shiny sharp metal spears told me that these weren't stage-performers. Crap! Crap! Crap!

I covered my mouth and fought the urge to scream.

The good thing was that they hadn't noticed me. Maybe if I back up and slowly walk away, they wouldn't notice me. Yeah, that might work. It worked against the jaguar.

 _SNAP!_

I had stepped on a twig, and immediately all three of the Zing-Zings looked at me. They moved just like us, lightly, bobbing their heads.

Crud!

I kept still because I thought that maybe their visual acuity was based on movement like a bat or a bull. I thought they'll lose me if I didn't move. My ploy didn't work. Not with the Zing-Zings. I stared at them, and they just stared right back.

That's when the attack came, not from the front, but from the side, from the other two Zing-Zings I didn't even know were there.

Of course! I could I be so stupid? Primitive man was pack hunter, and he used coordinated attack patterns.

The spear missed me by an inch and I turned tail and ran.

Then, they gave chase.

* * *

That, my friends, was the first chapter to have no dialogue or even talking in it. Sorry also for the lack of action.

I know it may seem a little rambling and preachy at times, but I would think that when you're stuck in the jungle, your mind tends to wander.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Amazons –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra

 **Epic –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler

 **C-Men -** Owen, Izzy, Noah (Separated)

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna

* * *

 **NEXT UP:** One of the biggest changes in Total Drama history...


	26. The AmaZOMG

Well… it's been a while, hasn't it? By sheer coincidence, it's the Fourth of July.

This story crossed 100,000 words in the last chapter, and there's still a ways to go. Yep. I have no doubt that this will definitely end up as my longest story. Sit tight, readers.

I made a lot of changes in this chapter mid-writing, so a lot of useless stuff was taken out. You get to read the result: pure, refined TDR goodness.

Now, I risk one of the biggest changes in TD history!

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxvi -**

* * *

 **Destination 6 (Part Four) – The AmaZOMG!**

 **Current Venue:** The Amazon Rainforest

 **Geographical Location:** Cusco, Cusco Region [Peru]

* * *

I could have chosen life, a job, a career, a family, and a big television. I could have chosen washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. I could've chosen good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Maybe chosen fixed interest mortgage repayments, a starter home.

Perhaps I should've chosen different friends, leisurewear, and matching luggage. Possibly chosen a three-piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fabrics. I could have chosen DIY and wondering who the heck I was on Sunday morning.

I could have chosen to sit on a couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into my mouth. I could've chosen to rot away at the end of it all, pissing my last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, messed up brats I spawned to replace myself. I could have chosen my future. I could have chosen life.

Why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose something else.

The reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got Total Drama?

So, here I was, running from a bunch of people wearing tiki masks somewhere in the heart of the Amazon jungle. I had gone from walking through the jungle to running through it. My, what an improvement that was!

I took the risk and looked behind me. The Zing-Zings were nowhere to be seen.

"Oh, thank goodness-"

Wham!

I slammed headfirst into a tree and thumped onto the ground flat on my butt.

Holy hell, that hurt. That hit me like a- well, like a giant tree.

"Ow!" I said, rubbing my nose. "Son of a beach ball."

First, I got lost with Bridgette as we aimlessly wandered around in the Yukon. Then, it was the injury I sustained in Germany. Now, it was this run-in with the Zing-Zings. Why did I manage to court controversy wherever I go?

We had lost those two challenges. Would this challenge have the same result?

I had sweat all over me. Warm watery beads dripped from my nose and my hair and my eyebrows. I was covered in moisture and couldn't begin to imagine what a hot mess I would look like to an outsider.

Speaking of which, I hoped the networks wouldn't show this moment on air, although I knew full well that they would. I did not like that I was being watched and scrutinized for every move I made.

If this was Total Drama Island, there would probably be a cameraman nearby that could help me find the way back. There were barely any cameramen (or camerawomen) on World Tour, though. Certainly not this deep into the Amazon jungle.

How long did it take to fit the cameras in this place, anyway?

My assumption was that the camera crew arrived a few weeks earlier and set up all the equipment to record our every motion. Chris was probably watching me right now, cackling madly to himself as he realized how hopeless my situation was, lost and alone in this enormous jungle.

As long as I was alone, I could think in peace. As peaceful as one could be in a forest full of vicious creatures and man-eating beasts, anyway.

I pondered how I could further myself in this competition. I had flattered to deceive thus far, and getting my butt lost certainly didn't help matters.

I had to make sure I wasn't kicked off in this episode first. For that to happen, I had to get to Machu Picchu and hope I wasn't the last one there.

Hey, Mowgli and Tarzan had to go through this stuff pretty much every day. I was lucky.

Then again, Mowgli and Tarzan were fictional characters and I wasn't. Using scenarios worse than mine as examples weren't exactly making me feel any better. It's like saying 'I know your situation stinks, but it could be even crappier.'

No. Not helping.

My stomach felt queasy. I could feel my breakfast from the morning coming back up. I bent over and barfed on the Amazon floor. Then I threw up some more. I quickly wiped the vomit off my shoes and mouth with some nearby leaves.

This whole experience was getting worse and worse. I was having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Memories flashed of when I was wandering around aimlessly in Wawanakwa Forest. This was the second time I was out in the woods alone.

I had come in fourth out of four last time and Chef had booted me out. There was no way I was going to let that happen again.

Just like I did back then, I ran. I ran until my muscles burned and my veins pumped battery acid. Then I ran some more. I didn't really have a plan other than running. I would just keep going until I got to the end. Machu Picchu couldn't be that far off, could it?

It felt like this was three or even four Cuils away from reality, but alas, it wasn't to be. This was all very very real.

It was foolish of me to think that I could trek through the forest with my friends and expect it to be all fine and dandy. This was a disaster waiting to happen.

Everywhere I looked, there were creepy-crawlies all along the dirt floor on which I walked. They were nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurried about their short, pointless lives.

Then again, some even more hyper-advanced creature could say the same about us humans.

Cockroaches were highly resilient insects. They could survive the aftermath of a nuclear explosion and all the radiation from its fallout.

I don't know how long I had been stuck out here, but the blazing sun that had been beating down on me a few hours ago had now settled. It was cooler, but that also meant that night was approaching. It was getting darker, and the last thing I wanted was to be stuck out here all alone in the dark. How much longer could I keep this up?

My mind wandered to more… ominous thoughts. I don't know when I will die. Maybe now, maybe tomorrow, maybe in fifty years. It doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed.

I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made?

What in the world is better because of me? What difference has my life made to anyone? None that I can think of. None at all. I mean sure, I cracked a couple of jokes and made some people laugh. The person that won season two wasn't even me, it was a clone of me from an alternate timeline, so I really couldn't consider that my crowning achievement. It wasn't even _my_ achievement.

I needed to stay focused. My ultimate goal, when all is said and done, was to emerge victorious in this tour. The way I saw it, if you wanted to win Total Drama, you needed to possess four qualities.

The first one of those qualities was 'skill'. This refers to one's own personal skills. For example, one of my skills is my intelligence. I needed to use that skill to the best of my ability and combat the skills of other people. If I didn't use my skills, I would have no way to stay on this show, much less overcome the skills of other people.

The next one was 'tactics'. This means how well a competitor gets along with other people. You need to get along with others and adapt to the environment. For the first half of the show, that means working together as a team and using your skills to benefit others. For the second half of the show, these means forming alliances and partnerships but in a careful manner. After all, skills are of no use if you are all alone.

The third quality was 'energy' or stamina, and this is where I was lacking. This was a long season with various types of competitions and the effects usually begin to show as the competition wears on. No matter how jovial you usually are, Total Drama gets to you. Those who can't take the stress and demanding elements of the tournament are quickly sent on their way.

The last bit is one that applies to almost every game, 'luck'. We need certain things to go our way even if we're the most skilled person in the show or the best tactician. A little bit of luck could get you a long way in this competition, and I hoped lady luck would smile upon me this season.

There was just one big Latin problem that stood in my way: Alejandro.

Apart from being well-toned, suave, and charming, the guy was so methodical in his ways. He always took a calculated approach, assessing the risks and rewards of his every single word and action. We were in episode eight and the man had not put a foot wrong up till this point. I almost wanted to see him in a pressure situation. He had yet to be tested thus far and I wanted to be the cause of his downfall.

A guy like that makes very few mistakes, so when it does happen, I have to be ready to capitalize on them. I want to expose him. I want to make him crumble in front of the others.

I'm not really sure that he's as good or talented as everyone thinks. This guy, if he gets on top, is a magnificent person. If he's down, that's when he gets into trouble. That would cause him to lose his cool and get frustrated. I intend, with the help of Owen, Cody, and a few others, to make him grovel.

That would have to wait, though. For now, I had to get my butt to Machu Picchu as soon as possible and find the others.

The closer I got to the water, the more predators there would be. Water is the lifeblood of this forest. Plus, none of the other animals could survive without it, so instead of chasing deer and boars, the prey would come to the carnivores.

I had stumbled up The Amazon River itself. The waters roared as it stretched on for nearly 4,350 miles or 7,000 kilometers. We had already traversed some of the longest rivers in the world. The Yukon was nearly in the top twenty, and the Nile was second. Still, nothing compared to this one, which is the longest river in the world.

I gazed at my reflection in the water. It stared back at me with an empty expression. Then, it morphed into something more horrifying, something that would probably haunt me for days to come. It was still my face, but it was the way I saw it in my nightmare last night. Those same white, pupil-less eyes, the same pearly razor-sharp teeth, the same menacing face.

I reached in and quickly splashed some water on my face. It felt cool and refreshing. I blinked a couple of times and the reflection was back to normal. That couldn't have been real, right? It was just my mind playing tricks on me.

I was pretty thirsty. Unfortunately, the water wasn't safe enough to drink. If I could just hold out for a bit longer, I would be home free.

The stars were coming out now. If people sat and looked at the stars each night, I bet they would live life a lot differently. When you look into infinity, you realize that there are more important things than what people do all day.

Odd. I remember reading that in a novel or a comic book somewhere. That's odd. I know I wouldn't read superhero comics, much less remember something from them. I just couldn't put my name on it…

While I was pondering, I thought I heard some familiar voices, though I couldn't be too sure. This jungle had gotten the best of me to the point where I couldn't even differentiate between what was real and what was fake.

"Scrawny kid! _There_ you are!" I heard a voice call out from behind me.

I turned around to see that it was none other than our resident pilot, Jon Hatchet. He may be a bad pilot and an even worse cook, but the man was a damn good tracker. You had to give him that.

Holy friggin cripes.

"Chef!" I exclaimed. "Boy, am I glad to see you!"

 _I'll take 'Words I never thought I'd say in a million years' for $300, Alex._

It wasn't just Chef Hatchet that had arrived. Along with him was all the members of Team Amazon. Cody vigorously shook my hand, telling me how happy he was to see me.

Bridgette and Sierra seemed glad to see me. Courtney gave a curt nod. Heather seemed indifferent.

We followed Chef as I heard critters and creatures making noises in the backdrop.

"Didn't expect Chef to find you, did you?" Cody asked.

"A surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one." I said.

"Still getting lost as always, huh?" Bridgette joked.

"Yeah, and unfortunately I was all alone this time."

Boy, was I glad they found me.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. It was Gwen.

"I didn't expect to see you in one piece." The Goth said.

Did she not get stabbed by Cody's EpiPen this time?

"I could say the same about you." I replied.

I guess she didn't. Thank goodness for that.

"You look different." Gwen said.

"Do I?"

"Are you alright?"

"Hm? I just… I had an uh, a rough night, that's all." I said, stuttering. "I couldn't sleep that well. Getting chased by Zing-Zings will do that to you."

"Me neither, especially after we got abducted by Zing-Zings." Gwen said. "Good thing they turned out to be fake."

"Yeah? Well, I'm pretty sure the ones that chased me were the real deal." I said.

I was trying to forget the incidents of last night but they remained in my head, fresh as ever.

"Chef is the one that came and rescued us." Bridgette told me. "Thanks, Chef!"

The big man just grumbled in reply.

"Oh, is that so?" I asked.

"Yeah. We were so close to being screwed." Gwen said. "No thanks to _you_ , Heather."

"Um.. hello! I'm not the one who told us to go down the wrong path!" The raven-haired girl shot back.

"Yeah, because I can _totally_ determine which path is wrong beforehand and purposely make us go down that one." Gwen retorted.

"You guys should have just listened to me." Courtney said. "I'm sure we wouldn't have ended up in that mess."

"Cody's smarts could have saved us if you guys weren't bickering all the time." Sierra said.

"He's a dork. What would he know?" Heather asked.

"Hey! No one talks that way about my Codykins!" Sierra yelled.

That's how another argument broke out, though Cody, Bridgette, and Gwen were wise to stay out of this one.

"Anyway, you're fine now, right?" Gwen asked me.

"What? Yeah, sure. Fine and dandy as can be." I said, feigning a smile.

She shot me an uncertain look. It was like she knew there was more to the story, but she questioned me no further.

"Gwen?" I said.

"Yeah?"

"Have you... ever had a dream where um, you had, your, you-." I huffed. "Did you ever wish that you could- um, you know- Ugh. I keep getting tongue-tied. Sorry."

"That's okay." She said patting my back. "Just take your time."

"It's just that… nothing makes sense anymore." I said, frustrated.

"Did it ever?" Gwen asked.

"... No. I suppose not."

"Hey, I can give you something that would cheer you up."

"What would that be?"

"You're about to get tongue-tied again."

Before I could talk, she pressed her lips against mine and kissed me. I thought I saw Cody observing us. An image of shock appeared to be etched across his face, and that was replaced by one of derision. Whatever it was, it was gone by the time the kiss had ended.

We kept walking in silence for a bit before I approached Cody again.

"Hey, bud, what's up?" I asked him, unsure of how to proceed.

"Huh? No. I'm fine." He replied. "Funny, I should be asking you that question. _You're_ the one that was stuck in the jungle for nearly a whole day, after all."

"Yep. It was a horrible experience." I said. "I was bitten by ants, barely avoided becoming a jaguar's dessert, and got chased by Zing-Zings."

"Well, at least you'll live to tell the tale." Cody said.

"Agreed." I said. "The attempt on my life has left me scarred and deformed, but I assure you my resolve has never been stronger."

"... Good to know." Gwen said.

"Have I ever told you guys how much I hate the outdoors?" I asked them. "Because I really hate the outdoors."

"You know, Noah, I've been thinking." Cody said.

"Thinking? I thought you needed a brain for that." I joked, causing Cody to punch me in the shoulder.

It hurt more than expected but I tried not to show it.

"Anyway, I've been thinking about stuff, like chess."

"What about chess?"

"Remember those chess games we used to play every night on The Island?"

"How could I ever forget?" I asked.

"Well, I was thinking that it must suck to be a Pawn." The brunette said. "You make the first move and have to fight and win battles yourself. You have shown the courage to start on your own. However, there are eight others just like you and you're considered disposable. At the end of the day, you are still a lame Pawn."

"True indeed." I said.

"Yeah, and I don't want to be anyone else's pawn either, especially you-know-who."

"Neither do I, my friend." I said.

"So, I'm glad you survived the Amazon." I added.

"Me too. I got bit by some bugs, actually, but luckily Bridgette was there to use the Epi on me." Said the geek.

"Oh."

"That was the least of my problems, as you already know."

"Hm. Try waking up and realizing you're abandoned in the jungle. There's just something about me and the outdoors..."

"Gosh. I hope Owen and Izzy weren't dragged off by caterpillars or anything."

"Me too. I doubt it, though. Izzy and Owen could probably take em."

Some more walking.

"So, uh, Chef told our team that we lost the challenge after he freed us." Cody said.

"Oh. Does that mean you'll send Heather packing?" I asked, not hiding my emotions.

"I'm right here! Ugh!" The Asian-Canadian fumed.

"How much longer is this gonna take, Chef?" Heather asked.

"We're almost there. Quit your whining." Came the reply from up ahead.

"What do you think Chris will do once we arrive?" Bridgette asked.

"All I know is that when it comes to Chris, the only thing you can predict is that something unpredictable with happen." Sierra said.

"That's… true." Courtney said.

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see." I said.

We only had to wait for about two minutes after that sentence, because we had arrived.

"Finally!" Chris exclaimed after he saw Chef, me, and the Amazons.

"As you can see, the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated." I said.

This drew blank stares all around.

"... I'm not gone."

"You're alive!" Izzy hollered.

The redhead charged at me and tackled me to the ground. Then Owen picked me up and squeezed the life out of me.

"Oh, Noah. We're so, so, so, so, sorry!" The big oaf said. "There was a huge bat colony and it flew towards us and we both panicked and ran as fast as we could."

"Actually, I tried to stay behind and fight them, but Owen dragged me along with him." Izzy said.

"Before we knew it, you were gone." Owen said. "I really should have woken you up, but it all just happened so fast."

"Will you ever forgive us?" They both asked.

"Stuff happens." I said. "I'm just glad that I'm still here in one piece."

"You could have easily ended up like Trent over there." Courtney said.

"Hey! We won the challenge, so you shut your loser mouth!" Trent said.

Team Epic won the challenge? Great.

"I still harmed those poor monkeys in the process, though." DJ said sadly.

"Yes, yes. This is all very touching." Said Chris, breaking up the reunion. "Now, we must come to the important matter at hand, which is tonight's elimination."

"Bye bye Heather." Cody whispered.

"The biggest loser for this challenge was Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot!"

"What!?" I asked.

"Huh?" Asked Cody.

"Yes!" Heather said in joy.

"You heard me." Chris said. "Team Me, you have lost."

"What? But we got here before they did!" Owen said, protesting.

"True. Team Amazon messed up big time as well, but at least they all messed up together. You, on the other hand, got separated from your team. Now you tell me which is worse."

"That could go both ways…" I said.

"Sorry, but this is my show and my call. I didn't let them search for the treasure anyway since they were lacking all of their members."

"Oh, come on! If Izzy and Owen had woken me up, we would have won the challenge!" I said, frustrated.

"No, you wouldn't. _We_ would have won anyway." Trent said.

"At the very least, we would have come in second!" I said.

"True." Chris started. "... but you didn't. They didn't wake you up, you came in last on your team, and you lost the challenge."

"Yeah." Said Heather. "Hypothetically, if we took the other path, _we_ could've finished the challenge too."

"Don't worry, buddy. I'll win for you!" Owen said.

The realization dawned upon me. This was it. I was out. For good.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about elimination?" Chris said.

"So, we did all this just for a reward challenge?" Trent asked.

"No. Team Me will still have to suffer the consequences of defeat." Chris said.

Oh, no. That's not good.

"Isn't traveling in Economy Class bad enough?" Owen asked.

"Nope." Chris said. "The person that caused your team to lose will now be moved to the team that won. Noah, you're on Team Epic now. Have fun!"

What?

"Yay! We get Norm!" Lindsay cheered.

"So, you're punishing me by putting me on the team that finished first?" I asked quizzically.

"Yup. Just like I did with Bridgette a couple of challenges ago." Chris answered.

"That is complete bovine excrement!" I said.

Owen seemed sad while Izzy just shrugged. Cody had a look of shock and Gwen seemed happy. Heather smiled at me and appeared to be thinking about something.

Trent and Alejandro looked at each other with a knowing smile, and I knew that doom awaited me on Team Epic.

No, please, no. This was one of the worst things that could have possibly happened to me!

What pissed me off the most was that I had zero say in this matter.

"Why, Chris, why?" I asked.

"Because I said so." Chris replied. "I'm in charge, see. I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the host. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like _I_ owe anybody an explanation."

"So, Team Epic, I hope you now accept Noah as one of your own. Haha!" Chris said.

"We welcome Noah as an honorary member of Team Epic." DJ said, smiling.

"We accept him, we accept him." Trent said, a bit more maliciously.

"You're one of us now, Noah. Resistance is futile." Alejandro said. "One of us."

He was smiling a crooked grin and with an evil glint in his eye. Trent joined in. They moved towards me, chanting the same stupid thing.

"One of us. One of us. We accept you. One of us."

* * *

Gooble Gobble.

Well, if that isn't the biggest twist in the hist' of the exhibition, Total Drama, I don't know what is.

Next chapter should be a fun read. I'm still trying to get over my shock at what xxxxx,yyyyyyy, and zzzzzzzzz have asked Noah to do.

* * *

 ** _Vote List_**

Not applicable.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Epic –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler, Noah (Transferred) [First Place, First Class]

 **Amazons –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [Second Place, Economy Class]

 **C-Men -** Izzy, Owen [Third Place, Economy Class]

 _Drop of Shame –_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna


	27. Vive La France

**Milestone Achievement Unlocked:** 200 Reviews!

Woohoo! Thank you guys so much for reading, critiquing, and reviewing my story. I really appreciate it, especially since I tend to take constant hiatuses in between batches of chapters.

* * *

Also, something I forgot to add in the last chapter:

 _ **Vote List**_

Not applicable (Reward challenge)

There. Now that that's out of the way, on to the chapter, made extra long for your reading pleasure.

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxvii -**

* * *

 **Destination 7 (Part One) – Vive La France!**

 **Current Venue:** Jumbo Jet, First Class

 **Geographical Location:** [N/A]

* * *

I had tossed and turned the entire night. No matter how hard I tried, sleep just wouldn't come. I tried my darndest to sleep, but the truth just kept haunting me.

I was on Team Epic now.

They couldn't do this to me! I was the lynchpin of my team!

 _Ah, but they did do it._

Sierra was right. By moving me to Team Epic, Chris had definitely done something unpredictable.

I guess I should be thankful that Chris switched me but left it at that. If it wasn't a reward challenge, Owen or Izzy would be gone by now.

I kept asking myself how I could make this situation work to my advantage.

If Chris wanted to generate controversy, he certainly accomplished it. This sudden move totally changed the Total Drama landscape. Now all the plans that I had were thrown out the window.

At the end of the day, even the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry, I guess.

These were just some of the thoughts circling my head as I made my way from the First Class compartment to the Dining Area, where someone was waiting for me.

"Why did you call this rendezvous, again?" I asked. "It better be for a good reason because I do not get up this early."

"Not even for your girlfriend?"

Oh yeah. I forgot that when someone takes part in a relationship, it entails them being morally obligated to give a crap.

"Um…for you, I guess I could make an exception." I said.

I expected Gwen to laugh, but she remained stoic.

"I'm legit worried about you, Noah." Gwen said. "You seemed... different when we found you. It was like something changed you. I didn't want to bring it up in front of the others, though."

"You can tell me if something is wrong." She said. "That's what friendship is about."

I stared at the Goth. For a moment, I considered spilling the beans and telling her everything. Matt, the time-travelling, how I was supposed to end up with Izzy at the end of all this, how Alejandro would manage to poison everything he touched, how crazily insane this stupid show was, how Chris Maclean and his buddies deserved a special place to rot in for a few years, and about the how scared I was after that nightmarish vision I had. There was just so much on my mind and it was tough holding it all in. My head felt like exploding.

Then, that moment passed and I gave a sardonic chuckle.

"You wouldn't believe me if I did." I said.

The Goth girl was undeterred.

"Try me." She said, smiling.

"Okay. I'm a time-traveller."I blurted out.

Gwen cocked an eyebrow at my statement.

"Really?" She asked slowly, sounding slightly unsure.

I waited a few seconds before responding.

"Naw. I'm just messing with you." I said, a wry smile forming on my lips.

"It's just a bad dream I had. It made me feel kind of sick, like the I was closed in."

"Well, I can tell you I know how that feels. Sometimes I feel like the world is too closed in like it's holding some part of me back." Gwen said slowly.

"You know, when I first saw you on this show, you looked like you needed someone... but there was nobody else around to help you." She said.

"Really?" I asked. "That's… pretty true, actually."

"I've just been thinking about my family a lot lately." I said. "It's been awhile since I've actually spent quality time with them. I know that I've drifted apart from them in the past few years, but I still love them. They raised me and they're still my parents, after all."

"Oh… you still see them in between seasons, right?" Gwen asked.

Boy, she has no idea.

"Well, yeah." I said. "It's funny. Most people complain about having overbearing parents, whereas mine had a tendency to ignore me."

"You're not alone. I never really knew my Dad." Gwen said, rubbing her shoulder. "He went and married another woman, had more kids. Every few years or so, he did it again. New city, new family. I resent him with a passion."

"Damn. Dude must be setting up franchises or something." I said. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"Well, it's made me stronger as a person." Gwen said. "My dad never went to college, but it was really important that I go. Suddenly, the guy who's had no time for me starts taking an interest in my life."

"That sounds familiar." I said.

"Go to school, graduate, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids." Gwen said. "We're forced to live in this timeline and anyone who refuses is labeled a rebel or a menace to society."

"That's life." I said "Unfortunately."

It pained me to see Gwen this fragile. This topic was making her uncomfortable.

"I can't believe we're here talking about sappy stuff." I said. "If the others found out, they would never let us hear the end of it."

"Haha! That's so true." Gwen said.

That laughter was music to my ears.

We sat silently for a bit. Gwen's eyes twinkled like stars and her body was almost casting a bright glow. It was almost beckoning me to make a move.

So I did.

Almost on impulse, I grabbed her and pushed her to me, kissing her forcefully. All the while, I ran my fingers through her teal hair. It felt so soft. She squirmed a bit in the beginning but seemed to reciprocate now. This was the best kiss I've had in awhile, and it turned into a full make out session.

When I finally let go, her hair was disheveled, her lipstick was smeared, her clothes were slightly undone, and she was panting.

"Well… that came out of nowhere." She said in between breaths. "...what is air?"

"Sorry, but you just looked so beautiful. You were like an angel. You lit my world up. If loving you was a crime, I should be in jail… should I keep going with the cliches?"

"You know, Noah, for someone who hates sports, you sure love playing tonsil hockey."

"I better go." Said the Goth, fixing herself up. "The others are probably up by now."

"Yeah." I said. "Me too."

She turned around and headed to the front of the plane, allowing me to catch a nice view of her butt in the process.

My happiness quickly, faded, however. Hearing of Gwen's problems just made me feel for contempt for those before me.

We were the ones that work our butts off, getting paid minimum wage. We still support our family and do exactly what our parents want us to do. Yet, our elders have the gall to call us lazy, selfish slackers. All those old guys who lived a happy, carefree life of luxury are now turning around and telling our generation that we're pretentious, entitled and that we believe the world revolves around us.

I tried to forget about that. I had a TV show to compete in, after all.

Speaking of which, now would be a good time to confess, so I decided to do just that.

"To say that the last challenge didn't go as planned would be an understatement. I totally wasn't expecting this from Chris, and now I have to deal with the Spanish sex bomb and Trent the raving lunatic, among others." I said.

"I would've really preferred to be on Team Amazon. After dominating for most of the season, _this_ is the challenge they decided to lose? Come on!" I said, agitated.

"Ah, well. I guess it's better than being eliminated. We'll just have to see how this plays out."

With that, I stepped out of the confessional. Within almost seconds, someone grabbed me and pushed me against a wall.

"Hey, hell beast." I said. "Err, I mean 'Heather'. What do you want?"

"I'm gonna ignore that first part." The girl said. "We need to talk."

"Um… okay. About what?"

"Alejandro."

"I see." I said, raising an eyebrow. "You had my curiosity, but now you have my attention. What about him?"

At first, I thought that Cody might have tipped Heather off about the Latino, but why would he do such a thing? After all, Heather was smart enough to figure it out on her own.

"...Wait. You're not into him, are you?"

"What? No! Ew!" Heather said. "Psh. As if I would even think of- ew!"

"Come on. You're evil, he's evil. Evil love. It's a match made in heaven."

"I don't like him. End of story."

It was amusing to witness Heather on the back foot.

"Look. I want him gone too, Noah. That's why I have a proposal for you." Heather said. "Oh, yeah, I know all about you and him. Like the fact that he tried to intimidate you, he probably injured you, and got some of your friends kicked off as well."

Yes, smart indeed.

"It's just, that doesn't seem right to me." Heather said. "Look, I want to take out Alejandro, _you_ want to take out Alejandro. Together, he doesn't stand a chance. Interested?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on! I don't like him, but that doesn't mean I'm going to trust you." I said. "Do you take me for a fool? Have you forgotten all the terrible things you've done to me and my friends? I sure haven't."

"I'm dating your worst enemy, too." I added. "You can't possibly be playing a saint. How can you be so sure I want him gone, anyway?"

"Noah, I have ears, okay? My _ears_ have ears." Heather said. " _You_ , of all people, should know this. I know he's targeting you. Only _I_ can protect you now."

" _A lot_ would have to happen for me to ally with you." I stated. "Sorry to tell you this, but I'm not as dense as the other people you've tried manipulating on this show."

"Have I ever told you how much I admire you?" Heather asked. "You weren't the season two winner for no reason, after all. I'm sure we could come up with some sort of arrangement. Use my knowledge. I beg you."

"Save it." I quickly said, noticing the shift in tone. "You're only doing this because your alliance with Sierra didn't work out."

"What?" Heather asked, stunned. "How did you know about that?"

"I know everything." I said. "I'm Noah, the know it all. _You_ , of all people, should know this."

Heather went from being wide-eyed with shock to smirking devilishly.

"Good. Then I won't have to waste any time acting like I respect you." The witch said.

"You turn on me the instant I decline your offer. What a surprise." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Listen, you dweeb. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?"

"Well, I'm already in a relationship, Heather, but thank you for asking." I snarked. "Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Alright then."

The woman appeared aghast.

"That fake tooth is nice, though. Goes with your fake persona."

"...You are going to be eliminated very soon, Noah. No matter how hard you try, your fate will remain the same." Heather said. "The only way to avoid it is to ally with me."

"Look, I'm not sure if you're telling me the truth or if you're just telling me what I want to hear." I said. "Either way, thanks, but I'll take my chances."

"Fine." Heather said haughtily.

"Fine." I said in the same tone.

She was infuriated. I knew it, and it made me oh so very happy. At least I could now enjoy the luxuries that First Class had to offer.

I noticed that the others were still sleeping.

Trent broke his arm, Alejandro had a black eye, Lindsay and Tyler both have defunct brains, and DJ is emotionally fragile.

I think that if someone were to combine all their working body parts, they could make a fully functioning human being.

Wait a second. Did Heather eavesdrop on my confession?"

Well, even if she did, I doubt there was anything I could do about it now. I pulled out 'A Tale of Two Cities' and began to read silently.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going directly to heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

Ah, classic literature. Dickens is a masterclass. His words were brilliant and the parallels to the modern day and this very show were stunning.

Lindsay slowly arose from her slumber. She smiled at me and I smiled back.

"Wow. I'm so relaxed, I think my _brain_ is even asleep." The blonde said.

"You know, I don't know why I'm so excited right now." She said. "I had to wake up like, way super early, so I should be really not excited, but I am so excited right now!"

"You seem to be gifted with defying all laws of logic." I said. "How magnificent."

My answer only served to further excite the blonde.

"Oh my gosh! That is so cool!" Lindsay shrieked. "Does that mean I can fly and stuff now?"

"No. Those are the laws of gravity." I said, face-palming.

"What's gravity?" The blonde bimbo asked.

… Really?

"Um…" I started, wondering how to explain it in a way the blonde would understand.

"You know how Chris is the reason why we're on this show?" I asked. "In the same way, gravity is what makes sure we're on the Earth."

"Oh! I get it now! You're, like, so smart Norm!" Lindsay said, gushing.

"Thanks." I replied.

Of course, I knew gravity was much more complicated than that. I just gave an explanation of it in 'Lindsay's terms', which was even simpler than layman's terms.

We were served a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and fresh fruits.

I reached for a banana, but remembering how phallic it looked, I opted for an orange instead.

"I can't eat this." DJ said, poking at his eggs. "I'm never hurting another animal again."

"So now you're a meegan?" Lindsay asked.

"Vegan." DJ said, correcting her. "Don't tell Momma. She says vegans are chicken-loving chickens."

Of course, who was the first to react, but DJ?

"A snake! Again!" The big teen yelled, frantically running around.

Chef Hatchet barged into the First Class compartment.

"Enough is enough!" Chef roared. "I have had it with these monkey-fightin' snakes on the Monday to Friday plane!"

"Monkey-fightin'?" I asked.

"Chef probably watched the edited-for-TV version." Tyler whispered.

"Ah."

"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" DJ asked.

The poor guy was whimpering as he curled himself up into a ball.

I was about to go over to him when someone else entered First Class.

"Aha!" Chris exclaimed. "Just the person I was expecting to see."

"What do you want, Chris McSadist?" I asked.

"You." He said. "Come and join me, Noah."

Totally not creepy at all.

I sure was popular today.

I hate popularity.

Chris had arranged for a meeting with me and I had no idea what for. Yay, me!

Chris's Quarters weren't surprising. They were way better than even First Class, with a Jacuzzi, and a bar, to boot. An hourglass lay atop a counter, slowly spilling sands of time.

I eyed the place suspiciously, half-expecting it to be a trap of some sort.

I didn't know what Chris wanted me to do and what attitude I should have had. Was this a party or a meeting? But it didn't matter.

"Don't worry. All cameras and other recording equipment have been switched off." Chris said. "No one here but you and me."

I wasn't quite sure how to react to that last part. Chris instructed me to take a seat on his couch which I begrudgingly did.

Then, I thought this had to do with the team switch. However, I didn't recall Bridgette ever doing this after _she_ switched teams. What was going on?

"We got everything here." Chris said. "Even the glass dishes with tiny bubbles and imperfections, proof they were crafted by the honest, simple, hard-working indigenous peoples of... wherever."

"How wonderful." I said, making myself comfortable.

"How about a drink, Noah?" The smug snake offered. "Water? Juice? Some vodka? I promise I won't tell anyone if you won't!"

Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

I would have declined his offer, but I was parched. Plus, Chris was being generous! Moments like this come once in a lifetime.

"You want a drink? You don't drink, do you? What are you, one of those fitness freaks, or something?"

Alcohol is the perfect solvent. It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

"Me? A fitness freak? Really?" I asked. "You got any soda around here?"

"You bet we do! Yo!" Chris said, clapping his hands and getting an intern's attention.

"Go fetch me and my star player here some fizzy drinks!" Chris said.

He was full of pep. Must've had his grande latte enema.

The intern complied and was back with two bottles of the carbonated drink.

Chris handed me a bottle of soda, took a sip from his, and wiped his mouth afterward.

"Ah. So refreshing." He said. "Mountain Dew: Do the Dew."

The host flashed a smile to the camera.

"Wow. You're not even trying anymore." I said, referring to his blatant product placement.

"Meh." He said. "Okay, Noah. Let's get down to business."

"Oh, yes. Why am I here again?" I asked him.

"Okay, first off, I'm only doing this because The Board asked me to." Chris said. "I wanted to talk about-"

"I'm sorry." I said, stopping him. "The Board?"

"That's… not really important right now... or at all." Chris said. "Besides, I don't even know their names or faces."

"Wait… is this 'Board' the reason why I'm on a different team right now?"

"I may or may not know the answer to that." Chris said.

"Did they put you up to this?"

" _I'll_ ask the questions here!" Chris roared, causing me to suddenly jolt.

"I've revealed too much already." He muttered.

I swear I could catch him frowning but he quickly smiled.

"Sorry about that." He said, quickly apologizing. "I just didn't expect someone who I just showered with praise and drinks to behave like this."

"Please, continue." I politely said, storing the information in my head for later.

"Noah, you know how this show works." He said. "You've got enemies here that you never heard of." Chris said. "Now that you're down, you're going to have to ask yourself who you really trust. Who do you trust, Noah?"

 _Certainly not you._

I remained tight-lipped.

"It's about you and Gwen." The host said, not wasting any more time in cutting to the chase. "Think you can be cruel to Cody about it?"

 _It was at this precise moment that Noah Carter knew he had screwed up._

I wasn't called out here for a party or a meeting. I was called out here for an ambush.

"Cruel? To Cody?" I asked, scoffing. "No can do. Cody's my friend. We're thick as thieves and I'm not gonna estrange him again."

"Oh, come on! Can't you stir up some drama? You know how much our audience loves you."

"Isn't there enough drama going on in this show already?" I asked.

"What do you think the answer is?" He asked rhetorically.

Why me?

Chris didn't falter with his next suggestion. "Or, maybe you could get back with your ex, Izzy."

"I have a girlfriend." I said. "Alright?"

"I have a drug test."

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were listing stuff we could cheat on." Chris said. "Come on. You know you want her back."

"You don't honestly expect me to dignify that with a response, do you?" I asked. "She's with Owen."

 _Unfortunately for me._

"She's attractive, though. What about her legs?" Chris asked, the subject matter slightly creeping me out. "Sexy, aren't they?"

"I don't care. I'm dating Gwen now." I countered. "What is your problem?"

"Her top?" He suggested, "You know, for such small boobs, they really... 'pop' with that cleavage window she sports."

"Ew. Do you even realize the words coming out of your mouth?" I asked him. "You're acting like a pedophile. I find it sick that you're asking me to do these things."

"Her eyes?" He tried once again.

"Chris, shut up. This is my friend you're talking about!"

He just laughed his obnoxious laugh in return.

"How about someone else? Bridgette? You seem to like her. Lindsay? She's a keeper. Maybe Courtney?"

I scoffed.

"Would you do me?" Chris asked. "I'd do me. I'd do me so hard."

Gag me with a spoon.

"Okay, first of all, you're being a huge creep. So, nothing different there." I said. "Second of all, I'm not playing your game."

"Okay, I get it." Chris said. "You're wondering what's in it for you."

"Huh?"

"Look, whatever you stand to make from this, I'll double it."

"I stand to make one million Canadian dollars." I said.

"Am I flinching?" Chris asked.

"You already have a thread of drama brewing!" Chris warned. "If you fight it, it'll just tangle you up even more!"

I stood up and headed for the exit.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." I said.

"One more thing." Chris said, stopping me in my tracks. "You would be wise to keep your mouth shut about this whole ordeal. We have ways of dealing with squealers."

I left the room and slammed the door, knowing Chris's crap-eating, vomit-inducing grin that would have made even the Cheshire Cat frown was still on his face.

How cliché.

Not only was it clichèd, but it had the stink of Chris Maclean all over it.

Just who were these mysterious Board members, anyway? Were they investors? Did they own a stake in the show?

Whoever they were, they seemed more like Bond villains than TV show executives.

Had this so-called 'Board' been doing this throughout the show? Were they manipulating us and pulling strings from behind the scenes in past seasons as well? Were they the ones that made these challenges dangerous?

Either way, I wasn't going to be a part of this. I just had to be careful not to piss them or Chris off too much so he wouldn't single me out and torture me come challenge time.

I took a seat and resumed reading my book.

Uh oh. Was that Alejandro coming towards me?

Indeed it was. He sat down next to me.

That's great. My worst enemy was right beside me.

"Hey, listen. I'm sorry about your hand." Alejandro said. "Is it okay now?"

Was he… apologizing?

"Uh… it's getting better." I said. "Don't think I'll forgive you, though."

"Understandable." He replied. "I do not expect forgiveness for such a heinous crime."

"Well, good."

I thought that he would leave, but he didn't. He just continued staring out the window. A long moment of silence passed.

I tried my best to ignore him, but I couldn't. For some reason, I felt like striking up a conversation. There wasn't much else to do, after all.

"So.. what do you do outside of Total Drama?" I asked him.

"Why? So you can pretend that you're interested?" He asked back.

I chuckled.

"You have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh." Alejandro said. "I never noticed that before."

"I do?"

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to take that.

"I can't believe we have an exit-door procedure at 30,000 feet." Alejandro said.

"It gives the illusion of safety." I said.

"You know why they put oxygen masks on planes?"

"To stifle the screams on the way down?" I asked dryly.

Of course, I knew the reason. I was just messing with him.

Alejandro shook his head.

"Oxygen gets you high." He said. "In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate."

"It's all right here." He said, showing me the manual. "Emergency water landing at 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows."

"That's, um... That's an interesting theory." I said.

"Now, a question of etiquette." Al said. "As I squeeze past, do I give you the butt or the crotch?"

With that, he left. He was toying with me. I knew it. Alejandro? Nice? Give me a break.

I was then joined by someone even more annoying.

"So, what did Chris tell you?" Trent asked. "Are you gonna get kicked off the show now, because that would be great."

"Fat chance." I said.

"How was his room?" Trent asked. "I heard he has a Jacuzzi that massages your cock with bubbles!"

"He does." I said.

"Aw, man. Sounds like quite the Jacuzzi." Trent said. "I should buy one for myself after I win this show."

"There's just one problem, though." I said.

"What would that be?" He asked.

"If you want it to massage your schlong, you need to actually have one."

"Attention, people!" A voice said from the intercom. "Please make your way to the Dining Area n preparation for landing at our next stop: Paris!"

"Paris!?" Lindsay squealed. "Me and Bertha went there once!"

Was it already evening? Wow. The hours seemed to go by faster as the day wore on.

I heard some of the others talking about me in the main room.

"Did you see that ludicrous display last night?"

"What was Chris thinking sending Noah to another team that early?"

"The thing about the producers is, they always try to create more drama and fit it in."

"I hear in Paris, you can buy beer at McDonald's." Trent said.

"Damn. Too bad we're underage though." I said.

"Yeah. You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?" Alejandro asked us.

"They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?" Owen asked.

"No, they got the metric system there." I said. "They wouldn't know what a Quarter Pounder was."

"Well, what do they call it then?" Trent and Owen asked at the same time.

"They call it a 'Royale with Cheese'." I said.

"Check out the big brain on Noah!" Alejandro said.

"Hm. Royale with Cheese." Owen said, mulling over something. "Oh, what do they call a Big Mac?"

"Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it 'Le Big Mac'." Alejandro said.

"Le Big Mac! Ahaha. What do they call a Whopper?" Owen asked.

"That's Burger King, you moron!" Trent said.

"Oh… right. Sorry." Owen said.

"Mmm… those are some good burgers." Tyler said.

"Shut the hell up, Tyler!" We all said.

"First Class is great and all, but I miss you guys." I told Owen and Cody.

"I know exactly what you mean." Owen said. "When I'm, uh, away from Izzy for too long, I get really-"

"Honestly, I'm surprised Izzy even lets you wander off on your own." I said. "She was always really clingy when we were dating. Like _really_ clingy."

Trying to get your friend to break up with his girlfriend so you can date her yet without ruining your friendship? Not an easy task.

"Hey! Where is Izzy, anyway?" Owen asked.

"I saw her go to the cockpit to talk to Chef." Alejandro said.

There were gasps and shocks of surprise.

"Why?" He asked. "What's the-"

Before he could finish, the plane started shaking and we were all thrown to the floor.

"We're going down!" Tyler yelled.

"Ooh.. what does _this_ button do? ...and _this_ one?" I heard Izzy ask from the front of the jet.

I imagined her as Dee Dee curiously pressing buttons in Dexter's Lab.

"Girl, stop that!" Chef ordered to no avail.

We went up, down, and all around. How fun.

"Ahem! This is your captain speaking!" Izzy said. "If you look out your window, you get to see what happens when a plane does a somersault!"

"Um… y'all might wanna hang on to something really heavy." Chef announced.

In a flash, we were all upon Owen

"We're doomed!" I heard Chef yell.

"I gotta sing the Doom Song now!" Izzy said. "Doom doom de doom de doom doom doom! Doomie doomie doom doom. Wheeeee!"

We were headed straight for the River Seine and I knew this wouldn't end well.

Why couldn't we ever have a normal landing for once?

* * *

So… this is where I decided to bring in... The Board. Dun, dun, dun!

*Cue lightning*

What can I say other than 'Chris is just one guy, and I need more villains.'? Moreso, I need someone even more ruthless than Maclean is. It's season three. We need scarier and stronger opponents for our cynic to face than just Alejandro.

Plus, I needed to form an overarching plotline. Enter 'The Board'.

How will Noah combat this new found foe? Can he? Will he even survive this plane landing? Only time will tell.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Le Team Epic –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler, Noah

 **Le Team Amazon –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra

 **Le Team Chris -** Izzy, Owen

 _Drop of Shame –_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna


	28. City of Louvre

So that's it, huh. We're on some kind of Total Drama World Tour?

… yes, I know that that joke is old as heck. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxviii -**

* * *

 **Destination 7 (Part Two) – City of Louvre**

 **Current Venue:** Jumbo Jet, Dining Area

 **Geographical Location:** Paris, Ile-de-France [France]

* * *

Our descent into France could be described in one short, excruciating, all-too-familiar word: Pain.

Horrible, mind-numbing, and excruciating, but not different. We had almost gotten used to this crap by now.

I attempted to free myself from the birdcage. Tyler was thrown into the luggage compartment, Owen was up there sucking his thumb, DJ was scared as always, and Lindsay was fixing her hair.

Shockingly, there was less ruckus and debris than I expected. It was still there, but not as much as I thought. Eh, plane's already busted up anyway. This poor thing couldn't take much more of a beating.

Anyway, we sure made a splash with that entry! Wasn't that nice!?

"Having some trouble controlling your team, Alejandro?" Heather taunted.

"Your attempts to insult my team are... _cute_." The Latino replied.

Good to see these two at it again.

"Whatever! My girl-power team is going to win!" The ravenhair fired back. "We don't get distracted by anything. Especially _boys_."

Alejandro merely had to point at Sierra to prove the Asian-Canadian wrong. The blogger was searching frantically for Cody, but he was nowhere to be found.

"Ugh! Get it together!" Heather ordered, dragging the girl out of the room.

"All clear!" Alejandro called out, and the geek came out from his hiding place.

"Another happy landing!" Cody said, raising his hands up.

"You said we were landing at the Eiffel Tower." I heard Chris tell Chef Hatchet from the front.

" _You_ said you were gonna replace that curtain with a locked door." Chef replied.

"So… this is France." Cody said, staring outside.

"Omelette du fromage." I said.

Chris told us to gather at the entrance of the Louvre. The Eiffel Tower was just 10 minutes away from the museum, so it wasn't that far off, I guess.

We began leaving the compartment, and guess who has two thumbs and was lucky enough to be the second-to-last person remaining?

Yet again, I was stuck with Alejandro alone.

"You're an amazing person, Noah." The Latino said. "As I have noted before, you and I are not so different."

"Sure, we may have some similar characteristics like high intelligence and being extremely sexy." I said. "I'm not like you, though. You're a villain, plain and simple."

"Well, to each his own. I chose my path, you chose the way of the hero." Alejandro said. "I'll have you know that my way was harder."

"You're not even an outright villain, though." I said. "You're a trickster. I mean, at least Trent doesn't care if he's a jackass or if people see him that way. He's open about it."

Wait. Did I just compliment _Trent_ , of all people?

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Alejandro said. "Look, they found you amusing for a while, the people on this show. However, the merge approaches. In spite of everything you've done for them, eventually, they will hate you. Why bother?"

"Because it's right." I said. "The merge is a while off, anyway. What makes you think you'll get that far, anyway? Your days are numbered."

"That's where you're wrong, kiddo." Alejandro said. "No. Here's the real truth. There are more than eighty people in this show, cast and crew included. Those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders. Now, you and me? We're exceptional."

"I guess we are, but that doesn't entitle us to anything." I said. "I want to win fair and square, not lying and manipulating like a coward. That way, even if I lose, I can go home with my head held high."

"Look, I could squash you like a bug right now, but I'm offering you a choice." Alejandro said. "Join me! Imagine what we could accomplish together... what we could create. Or destroy! To cause the eliminations of countless innocents in selfish battle again and again and again until this show ends? Is that what you want? Think about it, hero!"

With that, he left. I would see him again. We were on the same team, after all. He would probably try to convince me to join his alliance again. Just doesn't seem to take a hint, this guy.

It would take awhile for Chris to clean up the mess and organize himself. The way the man had threatened me almost made me too scared to relay the information back to someone else.

Almost.

"Secret Board of shadowy figures, huh?" Cody asked. "Hey! It's just like in 'Clone High'!"

"Cody, this is serious." I said. I had told him pretty much everything, and I hoped that that wasn't a mistake.

"Sure is. This 'Board' does not seem like a nice group of people." Cody said.

"Tell me about it." I said. "With the amount of influence The Board has on this show, they are not to be taken lightly."

"Aren't you afraid that Chris will find out you told me about them?" Cody asked. "You're risking a lot."

"Well, this is important." I said. "If only there was someone who had the knowledge of Total Drama's inner workings."

"Well… best I can think of is Courtney." Cody said. "I mean, they would have outlined the legal and ownership rights for this show somewhere in the contract, right?"

"Okay. Ask her about it, I guess." I said.

Sure, I was worried. Then again, what could they do to me?

I was the winner from the previous season and had the backing of a bunch of fans. Eliminating me out of spite would only result in their profits sinking.

"Chris really doesn't want this getting out, does he?" Cody asked.

"They can, and will, pay people to keep quiet." I said.

"Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets." I quoted. "Heh, we're in France, and it was Napoleon who once said that."

"Oh, weird fact: Napoleon was just five years old when the United States was fighting for independence." Cody stated.

"That _is_ weird."

"So… how's life on Team Epic?" Cody asked, returning the chat to safer topics.

"It's my first challenge with a new team and they're full of idiots." I said, rolling my eyes.

"I hope the only non-idiot gets sent home." Cody said. "Alejandro getting the boot would leave me with one less worry on my mind."

"Oh? Why's that?" I asked, genuinely curious.

I mean, it wasn't like Alejandro was going out of his way to get Cody eliminated. Not yet, anyway.

"Well, he won't be manipulating everyone anymore and getting them kicked out because of it. Why else?" Cody asked.

"Are you sure it's everyone? Or just one person in particular?" I teased.

"Oh come on, dude!" Cody scoffed. "As if Gwen's dumb enough to fall for Alejandro. She said so herself, she can't stand guys like him. Plus, you two are together, and-"

"I wasn't referring to Gwen." I interrupted.

Cody was confused by this at first. The more he thought about it, the more he knew who I was talking about.

"Noah, I'm telling you Bridgette and I are just friends!" Cody explained. "We're now on the same team, we share some interests, and we're just getting to know one another as we never really spoke in the past two seasons for whatever reason. Sheesh! You talk to someone of the opposite sex and everyone automatically assumes you've got a thing for them! We're just friends! I'm not going to say it again!"

"Uh huh." I said, not unconvinced.

"I'm telling you the truth!" Cody pleaded.

"Right. Ten bucks says you two hook up at the end of the season." I said, extending my hand.

"Fine!" Cody accepted, shaking it. "When this season is over, despite whether I win or lose, I'll still walk out of here with a little money because there's no way Bridgette and I are going to hook up! We're. Just. Friends."

"Okay. Fine." I said. "Cody, listen. You can ask Courtney, but don't mention my name to her. You didn't hear it from me. I can't have you talking to her about me."

"Why would I mention your name?" Cody asked.

"That's the spirit." I said. "If you say anything about me regarding this bet or The Board or anything else that goes on between us to her or to anybody, we're done." I said. "Sorry, but I don't want trouble. Loose lips sink ships, remember? Now, promise me."

"Okay."

"You promise?"

"Yeah. I promise."

"Promise?"

"I just said I promise!" Cody said, irritated.

"I want your word, Cody!" I said. "I want your word."

"I swear on my mother's eyes!" The geek replied.

"That's three times you promised." I noted.

With that, Cody nodded solemnly and walked back towards the others. He began chatting up Bridgette about something. I just smiled and rolled my eyes. There was definitely something between those two. I then brushed off my shirt and walked back towards the others as well.

Then, I saw my favorite redhead. I was rather worried since she had caused another accident. Her troublesome mischief had been troubling.

"Okay, Izzy, something's really been bugging me so I just have to ask you right now." I said. "Is this your natural personality, or is it something you force and use as a sort of bizarre emotional shield?"

I waited for a reply, but it never came.

"Izzy? Noah to Izzy! Come in, Izzy." I said, waving my hands in front of her face.

"What?" The redhead asked, suddenly snapping back to attention.

"Did you say something, Noah?" She asked. "Haha, sorry. Whoa, guess I blanked out there for a second, huh? I was just thinking about the time I got abducted by a tribe of time-traveling marshmallow monkeys from another dimension and they took me to Neptune and made me their queen. What were you saying again?"

"…Never mind." I said.

While I was thinking about the awkward encounter with my ex, Gwen came up to me.

"Hey. What's up?" The Goth asked.

"Ugh. I _still_ cannot believe I'm on this team." I told her.

"It was your fault for making Chris wait for so long." Gwen said. "That's like 90% of the reason why he made you switch."

"No one cares about Chris's feelings." I said. "It's not like he never cares for ours, be it past, present, or future."

"Future?" Gwen asked, raising an eyebrow.

"He's just that cold. he doesn't care ahead of time." I said.

"I just Can't Help Falling in Louvre- I mean 'love' with this place." Gwen said.

"Yeah? Well, tell me how you feel after Chris announces the rules of our next sadistic challenge." I said.

"Ha! I definitely won't be loving it after that." Gwen said.

Chris arrived, and we went to go join our teams.

"Hey Noah, If you were still on our team, we could've had a menage a trois." Izzy said.

"I'm pretty sure that you don't know what 'menage a trois' means." I said.

"Ahem!" Chris exclaimed, putting an end to all the chit-chat.

"Isn't this place, great?" Chris asked. "You know, without the ugly in this world, there wouldn't be anything beautiful."

"Thank you for your sacrifice, Chris." Gwen said, causing us to snicker.

"I'm… going to take that as a compliment." Chris said, narrowing his eyes at my girlfriend.

"What do you want us to do, join the Tour de France or something?" Trent asked.

"Oh! I love cycling! Is that what this is all about?" Tyler asked.

"Well, maybe if you guys shut up, I could tell you." Chris said. "Now, I didn't exactly get a chance to prep my introduction, what with the unexpected water landing and all."

"I'm just gonna give the highlights." He said and began flipping through notecards. "France, the city of love, art gallery, filler, lots of artwork, priceless, priceless artwork."

He seemed to be getting annoyed, but his mood quickly shifted.

"You know, this is all very important stuff right here. Too bad you guys barely give a damn. I mean, rarely is the question asked, 'is our children learning?'." Chris said. "Right? I mean, you teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"I'm not sure if _you_ passed the literacy test." I mumbled.

Meanwhile, the big-boobed blonde bombshell known as 'Lindsay' was shaking with delight.

"Eeeee! Paris! There's only one guy I want to share this with!" She exclaimed. "The guy I've been dreaming about since we've been apart. Where's my Tyler!?"

"Ahem. Hey, Linds." The lucky jock said.

"You sure that's you?" Lindsay asked him. "Because you look slightly different in my head."

" _Everything_ looks slightly different in her head." Alejandro whispered to Trent, who nodded.

"Do you always wear a tracksuit?" Lindsay asked. "Oh, it doesn't matter, because us being in Paris together means only one thing."

"I know." Tyler replied. "I love-"

"Shopping!" Lindsay squealed. "I can pick out new clothes for you! Eeee!"

The blonde's lips were quickly shut by the host.

"There's no time for shopping." Chris said. "The first challenge is about to start!"

"Everyone, inside the Loave!"

"Uh, I believe you mean 'Louvre'." Courtney said, using the correct pronunciation.

"Whatever. Go already!"

"Ah, France." Cody said. "This country was still executing people by guillotine when ' _Star Wars_ ' came out. Really changes your perspective of time, huh?"

"Sure does. Another way the guillotine is connected to ' _Star Wars_ ' is that Christopher Lee actually witnessed the last public execution in 1939." I said.

"Wow. Then he himself gets beheaded by Anakin in ' _Revenge of the Sith_ '. It's almost hard to believe it's a coincidence." Cody said.

"Yeah, I remember a quote I heard about France, once." Tyler said.

"Oh, really? What was it?"

"Knowledge is power. France is Bacon." Tyler said.

"Pretty neat, huh?" The jock asked. "Although, I expected France to be shaped like a bacon or filled with bacon strips or something like that."

"Uh…" I trailed off.

Cody and I exchanged glances, wondering who should tell Tyler the truth. It was 'Francis Bacon' who said that quote, not 'France is Bacon'.

Lucky for us, Chris arrived just on time.

Challenge time, kids!" He exclaimed. "Each team gets their very own famous sculpture. Team Me, yours is Rodin's 'The Thinker'."

The host then handed a photo of the sculpture to my former team.

"Team Epic, you guys get the 'Venus de Milo'.

I knew all about 'Aphrodite of Milos'. Alexandros of Antioch sculpted it. It was found in 1820 in Greek islands and donated to the Louvre by King Louis the Eighteenth. If only we had known what it originally looked like.

"Ah, Venus. Such beauty." Alejandro remarked.

"Calm down, lover boy." Chris said. "Amazons, you ladies get the statue of David."

"Here's how it works: It's up to you guys to find your statue hidden somewhere in the _Loveraroo_."

You tried, Chris. You really did. I applaud your effort.

"Well, that shouldn't be too hard." Courtney said. "The statues are big. Plus, I'm amazing at reading brochure maps!"

Argh! No! Gosh darn it, Courtney! After three seasons on this cursed show, why won't you learn?

"About that..." Chris said. "Chef has broken the statues into pieces and hidden them. The first team to find their pieces and race to the pyramid court to reassemble them wins."

Damn it.

"But 'The Thinker' isn't located in The Louvre and the statue of David isn't even _in_ France." Alejandro noted.

He was right. It was in Italy.

"Well, we're not using the _actual_ statues." Chris clarified. "Those are priceless. Chef made some fake ones, right?"

We all noticed the color drain from Chef's face as he grew silent and scampered off. Yeah, something tells me otherwise, Chris.

"I almost forgot the _twist_ twist." Chris said. "Here's your motivation."

With that, he pulled out a remote and pressed a big red button on it.

A wooden crate opened nearby and out from it emerged Sasquatchanakwa, a grizzly bear with a chainsaw, and a baby seal.

Crap.

"Aw, look, DJ. It's that baby seal you accidentally ran over in The Yukon!" Lindsay said.

As if on cue, the seal growled menacingly and the animal lover.

"I'd start running." Chris said. "With that, the game is afoot!"

"Why would a game be a foot?" Lindsay asked.

No time to address stupidity. We were running for our lives here.

The Amazons bounded one way while my current team and my former team ran the other way.

Oh, if I had a nickel for time I was chased by a wild animal on this show...

I veered right while the others on my team went left, meaning I was with Owen and Izzy. Just like old times.

"I don't wanna be Yeti poop!" Owen said.

"I got your ginormous back, big boy." I said. "This totally works on my dog."

I wasn't lying. Terrence was a smart dog, but he was naive sometimes.

I pretended to take a ball out of my pockets, then mimicked throwing it.

"Go fetch!" I said.

Thankfully, the Yeti complied, but oh, it was going to be pissed when it found out that I cheated it. Oh, well. I would have to cross that bridge when I get to it.

"Thanks, buddy." Owen said.

"Anytime big guy." I said as he and Izzy went off to find their sculptures.

My team came up to me.

"Uh… what was that?" Trent asked me.

"What was what?" I asked back, confused.

"You warded off the Sasquatchanakwa."

"Yeah. So?"

"You're still helping the other team!" Trent said, frustrated. "You're on Team Epic now! I _knew_ you couldn't be trusted!"

"Now, now. He was just trying to avoid the Yeti, that's all." Alejandro said. "Well played, Noah."

Was he… coming to my defense? After all the vitriol and venomous rhetoric exchanged between us?

"Uh… thanks?" I said.

"Look, guys, I'm an opportunist, okay? If I see that a chance is there for the taking, I grab that sucker with both hands." Alejandro said.

"I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me." Alejandro told us. "That's what the girls don't realize. If I got one thing against the Amazons, it's this: No one gives it to you. You have to take it."

"Now, you've all been brave and courageous, but we need to pick up the pace. We can't afford to waste any more time." Alejandro said. "Let's go find those statue pieces!"

Hate to admit it, but he was right. Those pieces need to be found. Otherwise, it would be RIP in pieces for us.

Alejandro suggested that we split up into pairs, which Trent was skeptical of at first but later agreed. Tyler went with Lindsay, and Alejandro partnered with Trent. That meant I was with DJ, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thus, we began searching high and low for the pieces of 'Venus'. We began collecting them.

There were two reasons I loved DJ: One, he was a really nice guy and never teased me or even said anything bad to me. I knew he wouldn't go bad-mouthing me behind my back either. It was almost impossible not to like him.

Number two, the guy was built like an ox. He wasn't totally ripped like say, Justin (ugh), but he was pretty buff. What I struggled to lift, he carried as if it were a pillow.

At that moment, I was more grateful for the second trait than the first. Man, those statues were heavy.

So, we found our share of the pieces and trusted the others to find the rest, or at least locate them. With that, we went to arrange our pieces in the middle of the Louvre like Chris had told us to do.

"Well, we better hurry if we want to win." I said to DJ.

"I don't want to win, remember?" He asked. "I want to go home and stop my campaign of animal pain."

"Dude, you can not be serious right now!" I exclaimed. "There was never a curse, DJ! It's all in your head!"

Of course, my words didn't have much of an effect on him.

"Is that… an Egypt exhibit?" DJ asked me.

"Looks like it." I said, eyeing the place. "Why does it matter though?"

"Could this be the answer?" He asked.

"Answer to what?" I asked, before I realized it myself.

"It's the answer to my animal hurting curse." DJ said, confirming my fears. "I got it in Egypt so maybe there's an anti-curse in all this Egyptian stuff."

"Oh, no. No, no, no." I said.

It was too late. He handed me all the pieces and ran off. I could barely hold on for a second before I dropped it all on the floor. Luckily for me, it was marble, not glass, so it didn't break.

There were some cracks that formed, but I could just tell the others that those cracks were already there when we found it.

I thought about both the offers I had received from Heather and Alejandro. Choosing whether I should ally with Alejandro or Heather was like choosing between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich.

If push came to shove, I would probably choose Heather. At least with her, I know what to expect. Thus, an alliance with Heather wasn't completely off the table. There was still a long way to go before I partnered with her, though.

As I was pondering how to get all of the pieces to the meeting point, I saw a friendly face.

"Yo, Owen!" I called.

I asked him if he could help me carry my pieces. He didn't seem to mind, and neither did Izzy. We were still friends, after all. Plus, he was returning the favor seeing as I had helped get that Yeti off our tails earlier. Chubby Buddy always delivers.

His team, or rather _duo_ , seemed to be almost finished with their statue as well. I thanked him for his service and we went our separate ways. I hope no one else saw me working with the other team... again.

I went around looking for my team. This whole place was like a damn maze. I just hoped that I wouldn't run into Team Amazon along the way.

"There you are, Norm!" I heard Lindsay yell.

I turned to see the source of the sound.

"Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you!" Tyler said. "Come on, we're almost done."

I went with him and his girlfriend to a place where Alejandro and Trent were standing. They had been waiting for me.

"Where the heck is DJ?" Trent asked. "Ah, well, it doesn't matter since you're here."

"I bet Noah can think of a solution." He said. "Maybe his gigantic brain will come in handy for once."

"Solution to what?" I asked.

"How do we get our last piece from behind those security lasers?" Alejandro asked.

"Guess who was captain of his gymnastics team at KinderGym?" Asked a certain jock. "It's Tyler time!"

With that, he smashed into the wall and fell flat on his face.

There's a reason KinderGym is for three-year-olds, Tyler.

"Tyler, the only reason I still keep you around is that I find your stupidity mildly amusing." Alejandro said.

"Well, thank you, but I find your evilness extremely annoying!" The jock said back.

"Noah, you will have to move through the lasers." Alejandro said. "My muscled chest won't fit. Even _if_ DJ was here, he would be too big to get through."

"Well… what about Trent?" I asked.

"Oh, so you'll only help the other team win, but not us? Is that right?" Trent asked condescendingly.

I was about to suggest Lindsay, but she'd probably burn up her entire body.

"If you want to stay on this show, you must prove your worth to the team." Trent said. "You have no power here, Noah the cynical."

Arguing was not going to help my case. We were losing precious time here and I would most likely have to do this anyway.

"Fine. Let's just get this done." I said. "I doubt my imaginary ball trick can stop the Yeti a second time."

I mocked throwing a ball once again.

"Oh! Oh! A ball! I'll get it! I'll get it!" Izzy yelled.

Where did she come from?

No matter. I did this once, and I can do it again. Just pay no attention to the super hot lasers.

"Okay. I just move and- ow!" I yelped.

I accidentally touched a laser and got the shock of my life. It was almost as bad as when we got electrocuted in Germany.

"This is going to be harder than I thought." I said.

"Careful, Nedry. Those red lines hurt you when you touch them." Lindsay said.

Oh, really? I didn't know that. Thanks for pointing that out!

"My, how _shocking_." Alejandro remarked.

"It's sure to provide some _electrifying_ entertainment for the fans back home, though." Trent said.

"Can you stop with the puns?" I asked. "They weren't that _bright_ anyway."

All joking aside, this was not going to be an easy task. It would be bad enough if the lasers were static. Unfortunately for me, they seemed to be randomised. They were too low to crawl under and also too high to jump over.

Dodging these lasers was like trying to write a joke that won't offend anyone on Tumblr. That is to say, it was near impossible.

"Yeah. That thing just burned off my shoe." I said.

Then, another laser appeared just under my crotch. Holy crap. Not funny, Chris! Not funny in the slightest!

Ouch!

If they ever made a movie me doing this challenge, it would probably begin here. There would be a record scratch, a freeze frame of this scene, with me standing awkwardly. Then there would be a voiceover of me saying "Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation."

So, there I was, trapped in between a bunch of red-hot lasers attempting to get the Venus head. My mind drifted. I thought about what Chris said, especially his mentioning of The Board.

I've read a lot of stories, and in every story, there is a big, bad,... something. An evil force that, no matter the size, corrupts the world of the story, and tries its best to destroy the hero. A wolf, a witch, a giant, a dragon, a knight. It could be something mental like an idea, a desire, a temptation. In my case, it was The Board.

The one problem was that those stories were just that… 'stories'.

When it comes to real life, the hero doesn't always succeed.

* * *

The author would like you to thank you for your continued support. Your review has been posted.

Haha! Now you're gonna get deja vu!

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Le Team Epic** – Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler, Noah [Venus de Milo]

 **Le Team Amazon** – Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [David]

 **Le Team Chris** \- Izzy, Owen [The Thinker]

 _ **Drop of Shame**_ – Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna


	29. Rigors in Paris

I am _way_ behind where I expected. I'm sorry guys. I owe you a proper apology but typing that up would take even more time so I can only give a half-assed one. My keyboard is malfunctioning, work hardly stops, and my laziness prevents me from really going at it.

Enough about that, though. It's the festive season! Season's greetings! Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day, Joyous Kwanzaa, and for the rest of you, Happy Festivus.

Happy Holidays, everybody! Um… enjoy your present, I guess? :D

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxix -**

* * *

 **Destination 7 (Part Three) – Rigors in Paris**

 **Current Venue:** The Louvre Museum

 **Geographical Location:** Paris, Ile-de-France [France]

* * *

"Do you know when a football team, or as you guys call it, 'soccer' team is most vulnerable to a goal?" Alejandro asked.

"Um… at the start of the game?" Tyler wondered. "No. After halftime, right?"

Ah! One of my biggest weaknesses, sports terminology.

"Wrong again. It's right after they've scored a goal themselves." Alejandro said, "You let the satisfaction get to your head and you become complacent, letting your guard down."

"We may have won the last challenge, but none of that matters now." Alejandro said. "We have to start winning on a consistent basis like the Amazons."

I wasn't enjoying my night at the museum so far. Although I had managed to obtain the final artifact, it wasn't without sustaining injuries. It was for the greater good I guess, as we now had all the pieces to construct the statue.

"Do you know what the most dangerous scoreline in soccer is?" Alejandro asked.

"Uh…. 6-0?" Tyler asked.

"7-1?"

"Nope." Alejandro said. "It's when you're leading 3-1. Because you're up by two, you feel on top, but the opposition has already proved that they can score. You get misled. You're fooled into thinking that you've been playing a lot better than you actually have. That two-goal lead seems a lot bigger than the reality."

"Oh… I think I get it." Tyler said.

"Guys, what do you wish you would have done before you were eliminated?"

"Outlast Heather." Tyler said.

"Get to the merge." Trent answered.

"What about you?" Alejandro asked me.

"I don't know. Can we focus on the challenge?"

"The question, Noah, was what did you want to do!?"

"I have to know the answer to this question. If you were to be eliminated right now, how would you feel about your time here?"

"I don't know! I wouldn't feel anything good about it, okay!?" I shouted. "Is that what you want to hear me say? Fine!"

"Ha!" Trent exclaimed. "I wouldn't expect anything else from an egghead like you."

"Hey! It's about time we started showing some respect around here." Alejandro said.

"Respect? To this dweeb? Give me a break." Trent said.

"No, listen to me. This is a man and he has a name, and it's 'Noah Carter', okay?"

"His name is Noah Carter!"

"His name is Noah Carter!"

"Yeah. That's great!" I said. "You guys finally know my name."

"His name is Noah Carter! His name is Noah Carter!"

"Okay. Shut up already. Sheesh!"

I was about to scream when we reached the center of the museum. It was about time, too. These statue pieces were heavy.

"Alright. Quickly now. Put all our pieces here." Alejandro demanded.

"Let's move it, girls." I heard Heather say nearby. "Those boys won't know what hit them!"

No no no. Wait!

The two teams were headed on a collision course. I tried to stop them but it was too late.

*PLOP!*

"Hey!" Courtney said, agitated. "You got some of your Venus in our David!"

Actually, it should be 'David in Venus', but now's not the time for sly remarks.

"Urgh!" Heather yelled. "You did that on purpose!"

Then, an argument broke out between Team Amazon and Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot with both sides accusing the other of sabotage and premeditated misconduct over what was actually just a dumb accident.

While we were arguing, Izzy and Owen had already got their act together and were working together to create Rodin. It seems like some of the others noticed this as well.

"This mudslinging and back and forth is just wasting time." Alejandro said. "Let's just get on with it."

"Noah, where's DJ?" Tyler asked me.

"No clue." I replied. "I sure hope he got what he was looking for though."

"Some assembly required." I said.

We decided to begin separating the pieces and sort out this mess. Unfortunately, it was the only way. It took a while and we lost time but we gathered everything we collected and I started putting stuff together.

Meanwhile, Tyler was telling me some form of instructions.

"Put the middle piece under the wide part." He said. "Then, rotate the thingy straightwat. No no no. Under-over."

Yeah. That didn't help at all.

"Those aren't even words!" I said, frustrated.

"Tyler, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard." Said Trent. "At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

"Um… okay." Tyler said.

Besides, that last one was just the name of our first challenge. I appreciate you trying to help, Tyler, but I would rather you actually assist in the assembly or spy on the other teams instead of suggesting gibberish.

"Can you at least tell Lindsay to help me over here?" I asked. "I know it's not much but it's better than nothing."

I would like to have some nice... scenery to look at as well. Where the hell was Lindsay anyway? What was she doing?

Instead of a beautiful blonde, it was Trent who came up to me. Not what I wanted.

"Do you know what we're planning to do here on this team?"

"Well, I think I have an idea-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's say you have no idea and leave it at that, okay? No idea. Zip. None. If you had an idea of what we do, we would not be good at what we do, now would we?"

"Uh… okay?"

"Listen up, Mr. Noah-it-all." He said. "I see you giving orders acting like the leader at this time, but you're not. We aren't your friends. Not Tyler, not DJ, and not even Lindsay. You got that?"

"What's there to get? Just because you don't like me, that somehow indicates that the entire team dislikes me?"

"Look, dude. Lindsay is supposed to be a follower. The only reason she ever makes it to the end is because she listens to what you tell her to do, and obeys like a… like a… well, a dumb blonde." Trent said. "As long as she continues to do that, I'll let her stay. The moment starts throwing my name around, she'll be gone. Because I control this game, and nobody else does."

"Oh really?" I asked. "Is that why you keep following Alejandro's orders? Who died and made him the leader of Team Epic, anyway?"

"Trent smirked. "Sooner or later, we all have to make a choice. You keep trying to get by as a loner and see how far that takes you."

"Right. I'd rather go alone than join forces with the likes of you,"

"You… really don't get it, do you?" Trent asked.

"Huh?"

I realized that I had stopped with the building of the statue while listening to Trent's rambling so I resumed it and continued to piece it back together as I heard him.

"You know, see, Noah, like you're the new guy, and that brings up questions." Trent said. "What guarantee do I have that you're not acting as an informant for Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot? I bet you know all about undercover espionage."

"Informant? What is this, the FBI? The CSIS?"

"I'm just… suspicious, that's all."

"Is there something that you just wanna go ahead and ask me? 'Cause I'll give you the answer, alright? Trent, look at me. Look at me. I'm not a cheater. Okay? I'm not a frickin' cheater!"

"Right, because if you obviously were cheating, you'd come right out and tell everyone."

"Hey! How are things coming along over there, you two?" Alejandro asked us.

The Latino was looking for stray pieces we may have left lying around.

"Uh… pretty good. The Venus will be completed on schedule." I answered.

"Good. You have done well, Noah." He said.

Um…

"I assume you know what will happen if we lose." Trent said. "We will all head to the Elimination Chamber, where you will finally be voted out of this show. As I said, this game is under my control and you are just a bug in the system."

"Impressive." I said as I saw Trent brimming with confidence. "Every word of what you just said was wrong."

"What?" Trent asked. "We're going to cast you out. Just you wait and see."

"Ah, yes. I thought we might hit that little snag."

"Snag? I see no snag, Noah."

"Well, I'm afraid I do."

"Oh, really?"

"Well, it's just that you seem to be labouring under the delusion that I am going to- what is the phrase? - 'come quietly'." I said. "I am afraid I'm not going to come quietly at all, Trent. I have absolutely no intention of being voted off. I could expose all of your crap afterwards, of course, but that would be a waste of my time, and frankly, I can think of a whole host of things I would rather be doing."

"There is no escape, Noah." Trent said. "Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. With our combined power, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the show."

"Let me just say that this is not going to go the way you think."

"How is it going to go then?"

"Hey Trent, Do you know how to say 'shower' in French?" I asked.

"No." Said the former guitarist.

"It's 'douche', which is also a perfect description of you." I said.

I really miss when this used to be a friendly competition and we all enjoyed ourselves. Of course, things changed after about two days on The Island. Why can't people play fairly without resorting to tricks and schemes and stuff?

Even though a majority of us are nice and want to play fair, we are forced into using underhanded methods by the more… 'aggressive' lot. When people realized that being dirty would get them further in the game, they resorted to it, sacrificing their reputation in the process.

Meanwhile, those who continued to play fair, avoiding alliances and strategy and such would often get the early boot. One bad apple spoils the bunch, and eventually we're all just at each other's throats. I was hardly squeaky clean myself.

I flash back to memories of people like Courtney and Trent on The Island and I can hardly believe they are the same as the ones on this plane. The times have definitely changed.

I shifted my focus back to the challenge, where I had pretty much finished construction of the statue. Something was amiss, though.

"Uh… this looks a tad bit off." I said.

"Noah, I think you might want to look at the photo." Alejandro said. "You have a few too many limbs."

He handed me the picture. No arms! Of course!

"We were using the wrong pieces all along!?" I asked, astounded.

Crap.

Ugh! How could I have been so stupid!? It was probably because of the heated conversation I was having with Trent.

All this assembly up until now was useless. Our team had basically accomplished nothing this whole damn time. Then again, it wasn't like they were trying. Typical. Lounging around and making me do all the work.

I was looking around for the last piece of the puzzle when Cody pulled me over.

"I don't get it, man." Cody said. "Why are girls always going gaga over him?"

"Huh?" I asked before I realized who he was talking about.

"Oh, him. It's simple." I said. "Step 1: Be attractive. Step 2: Don't be unattractive."

"Yeah, there's that." Cody said. "It's just that he has a certain air of... 'je ne sais quoi' about him."

"Cody, may I know the reason as to why you are fraternizing with the enemy during a challenge?" Courtney asked.

"Shoot. I'll catch you later." Cody said.

I wandered around for a bit before I finally found the piece I was looking for: the head of Venus. I promptly returned back to my team's statue. This is it.

I heard someone yelp nearby and turned to see the source. It was at that point that one of the strangest things happened right before my very eyes. DJ was attempting to drive a golf cart while getting beat up by a bear, a seal, and Sasquatchanakwa. This was without a doubt the oddest thing that I had ever seen on this show, and I had seen some truly odd things.

The mummified dog wobbled a bit before falling off the cart. However, Izzy extended her outstretched arms and reached out to grab it, almost out of thin air.

"It didn't break." DJ said, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Woohoo! Yeah! Izzy rules!" The crazy redhaired chick said, dancing around. "Touchdown!

Then she smashed the head on the ground, splintering the figurine into a thousand pieces and scattering it to the winds.

"Hahaha!" She said.

"Nooooooooo!" DJ wailed.

"... and Team Chris is Really Really Really Really Hot has it!" Chris said as Izzy and Owen high-fived.

"There. Done." Said Heather.

"Coming in a close second is Team Amazon." Chris announced.

"And this week's losers are... Team Epic."

Right, so I switch teams and my old team finally manages to win while my current one loses? That's great. Damn fate.

DJ began sobbing uncontrollably as his giant hands covered his face.

"Are you okay?" Lindsay asked the man. "Are you hurt, or just sad that we lost again?"

"That mummy doll… it could have been my ticket out of this mess." DJ said. "I just… I can't catch a break, can I?"

Meanwhile, another teammate was having strong feelings about the situation as well.

"Oh, man. I can't believe this!" Alejandro yelled. "I mean, we had the lead and we still lost! Are you kidding me?"

"Maybe if Noah here hadn't taken so long to get the head!" Trent said.

"Okay, one, I've never gotten head before in my life." I said. "Two, let's see you try to maneuver your way through deadly lasers without getting fried to a crisp."

"Ugh… merde. I think a team of monkeys would perform better than you morons!" Alejandro said. "Why, if it wasn't for me, you guys would be completely lost!"

As he ranted and raved, he didn't realize that the other players were staring at him disapprovingly. Sure, we had lost, but being lambasted in front of everyone wasn't helping in the slightest.

"Alejandro!" A certain girl shouted.

The Latino ceased. He turned towards a certain blonde surfer who had uttered his name. She now glared at him with her hands on her hips.

"How could you say those horrible things to your teammates at that?" The surfer girl asked, shaking her head disapprovingly.

"Yeah!" Courtney added. "I mean, I'm happy you guys lost and all, but for you to belittle your team for losing? That's just wrong!"

"Can you say 'hypocrite'?" Gwen whispered to Cody, who chuckled in response.

Alejandro sighed.

"I apologize." He said in a calmer tone. "I'm just frustrated from losing and I guess I got carried away."

He then glanced at me. Oh, boy.

"Seriously though, other than Noah over here, we all sucked big time!" He said.

Um… what? Did I hear that correctly?

"I must be going deaf." I muttered, rubbing my ears.

"We're lucky we had him on our team because he made this thing close." Alejandro said. "Otherwise, we would have gotten stomped!"

"But it was DJ who drove the car-" Trent started.

"Shut it!" Alejandro said before realizing that all eyes were on him. "... anyway, I'm certainly glad to have Noah on our team. He will make a fine addition to our collection."

With that said, he grabbed me, put his arm around my shoulder, and flashed a big smile.

"We'll get them next time, won't we, partner?" He asked cheerfully.

"We sure will, partner." I said in a dry tone.

"Well, that was a tour de farce." Trent remarked.

"Wait… so did we lose?" Tyler asked. "I don't get it."

"Yes. Yes you did, Tyler." Heather said. "Hey Noah, How does it feel to be on a team of losers?"

"How does it feel to be on a team named after a company?" I asked back.

Admittedly not my best retort, but I was already under some duress after the defeat. We all began heading back to the plane. At least we could take in the splendor of this magnificent city now. It truly was beautiful at night, and there were no words to actually explain it.

"Can you believe that the Eiffel Tower was completed in 1889?" I asked, looking out at the giant tower, which was now lit up and shining brightly.

"That is the same year that Fusajiro Yamauchi founded Nintendo." Cody said. "Of course, it was a card company back then."

"Also the same year that Van Gogh painted 'The Starry Night.'." I added. "Adolf Hitler and Charlie Chaplin were born in that very year as well, a mere five days apart.

"Oh, and the first pizza was made that year, too." Owen said. "Don't ask me why I know that."

"Must have been a weird year." Chris said.

We all stared at him.

"Were you eavesdropping on us?"

"Uh… no. Definitely not."

"Really?"

"That's my secret, Noah. I'm always eavesdropping." He whispered before leaving.

I recalled that talk I had with Chris earlier. It had offered me just a small glimpse into window into the world of the powerful men and women who run the game behind the game, who will stop at nothing to get what they want. I felt that their ambition was an all-consuming force, a vortex of deceit, lust, greed, manipulation, and betrayal that threatened to destroy the very show they swore to protect.

We boarded the jumbo jet and both my team and Team Amazon went to Economy Class.

"So… another tough loss, huh?" Gwen asked.

"Yep. Sucks." I said.

Then, Gwen and I kissed, which was becoming the norm during every challenge. At least that never changed.

"We'll always have Paris." Gwen said.

"Right you are, mon ami." I said, returning her smile.

"Alright, people. Let's bid adieu to Paris." Chris said over the intercom.

"... or not." Gwen said.

"Ha. I wish I was on your team so we could spend more time together."

"Me too. But don't worry. I feel we can both make it to the merger."

"Oh, that's a long way off. I want to hop, but I don't know."

"Come on. You're forcing me to be the positive one here. That's just not right."

"Noah. Can I see you for a second?" I heard Alejandro ask.

Dammit. Of course, he would ruin my moment.

"Sure." I said. "Time to talk strategy or some other BS I guess." I told Gwen.

"I understand." She said, leaving to go sit with her own team.

Alejandro led me to the place near the washrooms.

"Well. I must say I'm pleasantly surprised to see you say those things about me." I told Alejandro.

"Au contraire, mon frère." Alejandro said. "It was all acting. You see, what this team needed was a sacrificial lamb. Someone to pin the blame on."

"Just as I suspected." I said. "What is it you want?"

"I need you to come back."

"I won't do it, Al."

"We were on the verge of greatness. We were this close to providing peace and security to the show."

I snickered. "You're confusing peace with terror."

"Well, you have to start somewhere."

"I'm not joining you. Your intimidation won't work."

"Then you will fall braver than most." He said. "I've already got Tyler and Trent on my side. They would rather vote for you over Lindsay and DJ, and vice-versa. Even if you could somehow manage to get DJ on your side, good luck convincing Lindsay. She's only loyal to Tyler. You might as well consider yourself eliminated."

"I am going to talk so much crap about you on The Aftermath show." I said.

"Doesn't matter." He replied, shrugging. "None of the contestants on this plane get to watch that show anyway."

"The world will know who you really are."

"You have your story. I have mine." Alejandro said. "I say that the others were angry that I only praised you, so you got voted off."

"As if the other teams would ever dream of believing something like that."

"We'll see, Noah." Alejandro said. "You underestimate my power."

"There's no way you asked all the others to vote for me and they agreed." I said. "I'm the winner of the previous season. I am one of the smartest people on this show."

Yeah. That came off as a humblebrag.

He just scoffed in reply.

"...and I'm not?" He asked. "Look, you have nothing, nothing to threaten me with." Alejandro said. "Nothing to do with all your smarts!"

"You're too scared to follow through. You won't ask everyone to vote for me, not after everything you said in The Louvre. I know you're not going to do it!"

"Do it?" He questioned. "Noah, I'm not one of those villains you see on Saturday morning cartoons. Do you seriously think that I would explain my masterstroke if there remained the slightest chance of you altering its outcome?"

Oh crap.

His next words were what terrified me the most, mostly because he said them with a giant smirk on his face.

"I did it 35 minutes ago."

* * *

Well, there it is.

I was pretty busy guys and had a lot of stuff to do, plus it's the holiday season. I apologize for the delay and if there were any mistakes in this chapter since I wanted to get it out before something else came up. If you spot a mistake, just leave a comment about it in your review and I'll clarify and fix it ASAP.

2017 is winding to a close. It's been a great year for me and I've made a bunch of friends. Have a nice winter break. See you next year!

I hope this chapter was worth the wait and that the next one won't take over three months to be uploaded. Speaking of which, the next part will be the final chapter of this episode. Enjoy the characters while you can, because one of them will be eliminated. Forever. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Le Team Chris -** Izzy, Owen [First Place, First Class]

 **Le Team Amazon –** Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [Second Place, Economy Class]

 **Le Team Epic –** Lindsay, Alejandro, Trent, DJ, Tyler, Noah [Third Place, Economy Class]

 _ **Drop of Shame –**_ Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna

* * *

 **NEXT UP:** The episode finally ends (took me long enough), and a whole bunch of stuff goes down, including a shocking move after the contest that will cause chaos at the Barf Bag Ceremony.


	30. Les Chriserables

It's February 14th and you all know what that means! Let's all celebrate the Valentine's Day Massacre! 3

Before you ask, yes, I did definitely plan things to happen like this. I totally did not push back this chapter constantly because I was lazy.

Also, I tried something a bit different in this chapter so forgive me if it seems confusing or doesn't work out.

So, sit back, shut up, and read the next chapter of… Noah's... Tour... of the World!

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxx -**

* * *

 **Destination 7 (Part Four) – Les Chrisérables**

 **Current Venue:** Total Drama Jumbo Jet

 **Geographical Location:** Paris, Ile-de-France [France]

* * *

Team Epic, ie. me, DJ, Trent, Tyler, Lindsay, and Ale-heinous were all seated in the Elimination Chamber.

We had all cast our votes. One of us was about to go out of this plane, which was now heading o the next destination.

"Before we begin, I have some questions for all of you." Chris said. "First off, how do each of you feel about your current positions in the game?"

No one spoke. Alejandro just grinned. Trent had a really serious face on (or maybe he wanted to poop. I don't know).

DJ had his head down. He was probably still bummed about the animal curse. I was hesitant. Lindsay was humming to herself, and Tyler was too busy staring at Lindsay's boobs .

"Don't all answer at once." Chris said, annoyed.

"Okay, next question. Why do you think you lost?"

Still no answer.

"I'm not gonna continue until someone talks." Chris said.

After all I had been through today, I was just about ready to explode. Now I had to deal with this egomaniac?

Before I snapped, Tyler spoke up.

"Well, uh, not gonna lie. It's kinda like sports." Tyler said.

"Is that so?" Chris asked.

"Totally! We were sportsing pretty hard out there." Said the jock. "We sportsed our best and scored points, but the other teams were sportsing too, and they scored even more points."

"We need to adopt a new strategy next time around. We need to stop the other team from scoring points while we ourselves score many points." Tyler said.

"Right…" Trent said.

"Tyler, you're what the French call 'Les Incompétents'." Chris said. "Still, I appreciate the fact that you spoke up."

"Now, does anyone else have anything to say?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, I do." I said. "Stop trying to act like a Jeff Probst wannabe and just get to the voting."

I wasn't delaying my demise any further. Make it quick.

"Hey! Probst is my idol! No one talks smack about him!" Chris said. "Fine, let's just get to the votes."

Right after Alejandro's little spiel, I knew I had to get to work, and fast. I still remember our conversation, probably because it only happened a few minutes ago.

\- X -

"I can't let you-" I said.

"... go through with this? What are you going to do?" He asked me.

"I'm going to-" I started.

"... stop me?"

Ugh.

"I'm not going-"

"... to let this happen?"

Dammit.

"Stop finishing-"

"... your sentences?"

Crap. Man, was this guy frustrating to deal with or what?

I mean, he was a smooth-talker, but he sure was annoying when he wanted to be.

Then again, so was I.

"Nothing personal, Noah." Alejandro said. "It's just business."

Those were the last words that came out of his mouth. Why was I wasting precious time arguing with him anyway?

I wasn't sticking around any longer. I made a break to the Confessional to both buy some time and think in peace.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a clean getaway. I ran into a 296-pound problem.

"So, I just found out that RSVP stands for 'répondez s'il vous plaît'." Owen said. "See, I always thought it meant 'Respond so very promptly'."

"Well… that works. I guess… in a way." I said.

That's great. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find out a way to save my skin.

I honestly wanted to explain to Owen what was happening, but that would only complicate things further, and give me less time to execute my plan.

My awesome plan… which I hadn't thought of yet.

"Congrats on the victory, chubby buddy!" I said.

"Thanks man!" Owen said. "You know I really didn't expect to win this one. It sucks that you can't be up in First Class with us."

"Yeah… I gotta use the restroom." I said. "Urgent business to attend to, you know?"

I had to cut him off. A guy like Owen could talk nonstop.

"Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go." Owen said.

I understood what Alejandro attempted to do when he praised me back at the museum. The dude was setting me up to fail. I would be gone and no one would suspect him in the slightest. It was perfect. Foolproof.

All at the last minute too. I barely even had time to tell anyone about it. I was in a box, and all four walls were closing in around me.

Oh dear. Alejandro had put me to the sword. I was now up piss creek without a paddle.

First, they came for Harold… but I didn't do anything because I was not on Team Epic. Later, they came for Leshawna… but I didn't do anything, because the two of us weren't really friends. At last, they came for me — and there was no one left to do anything for me.

I went to the Confessional.

"So there I was, back against the wall. Alejandro had pulled out every trick in the book to make our team lose accidentally-on-purpose. Then, he convinced the rest of his team to vote for _me_ at the elimination ceremony. Right now, I have one foot practically out of the door of the plane."

I sighed.

This could _not_ be happening to me.

I had to hatch a plan to get me out of this mess. I needed to devise a strategy.

I know what I have to do. Of course, there is a big difference between knowing what to do and actually doing it. Now, it was a matter of the latter.

"All it took was one push, and I would go plunging into the dark abyss and spiraling into the cesspool that follows." I said. "No thank you. If I want to stay in the game, I have to do something, and fast."

What was my strategy du jour?

The gears in my head started turning.

Come on. Think... think... think... think. Brain blast!

I've got it!

"What Alejandro doesn't know is that I have a few tricks up _my_ sleeve as well. It's time for my counter-move."

I rubbed my hands together with a look of glee on my face.

"You want to fool other people into causing my downfall? Very well, Alejandro. Two can play at that game."

Guess what, Al? You aren't the only one around here with the power of manipulation.

"If this doesn't work, I'm done for." I said.

"Why bother with a cunning plan when a simple one will do?" I thought to myself.

Sometimes, the answer is just pretty straightforward. I had better be careful not to commit any faux pas, though.

\- X -

Back to the Elimination Chamber.

"Okay, it's elimination time." Chris said. "...just as soon as Chef gets here with the barf bags. Jeez, what's taking him so long? Did Izzy get into the cockpit again?"

"Trent, you did what I ordered, right?" Alejandro asked Trent.

"You didn't ally with me for my charming personality." Trent said.

"So, is everything ready for tonight?" Alejandro asked.

"Oh, yeah." Trent said. "I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that."

"Not the dinner. You know…"

"Oh, right." Trent said. "The _vote_. The vote for _Noah_ , the vote made specifically to _eliminate_ Noah, Noah's vote."

"That vote?" He asked.

"Yes! That vote!"

"Gotcha covered." Trent said, winking.

"Excellent." Alejandro said. "A couple of votes against his name, and then I'll propose a toast, and he will be gone before dessert."

"Which is a real shame, because it's gonna be delicious." Trent said.

Occam's Razor says that ceteris paribus (all other things being equal), the simplest and most obvious solution is usually the correct one. In other words, the fewer assumptions, the better.

Nature abhors a vacuum. Time abhors a rerun. History abhors a paradox.

Since I was altering the timeline, it was almost as if the timeline itself wanted me gone.

Even now, the time-stream strains to divert itself, finding its old course blocked by me. The future would have to reshuffle itself to accommodate my decision.

The fact that I knew what would happen next was causing it to throw some curveballs my way. The team swap, Chris's bargain, The Board.

Ah, The Board.

This Board probably consisted of businessmen, lobbyists, magnates, fat cats, bankers, politicians, bureaucrats, lawyers, tycoons, movie stars, billionaires, and government officials, who all possessed an interest in the show.

These guys didn't have to play by the rules. They made the rules. This really irked me.

We were all in the same game but we all played by a different set of rules. It was outrageous and unfair.

The Board thought they could dictate terms to us. They wanted to control us and boss us around and tell us what to do. I was fed up of being ordered by people who knew nothing about me.

Everywhere I looked, there were articles bashing millennials for something or the other. Hell, they'd probably blame the World Wars on us if they could. They think technology has made things easier for only us without thinking of the way it benefits them.

They believe we're stupid crybabies who've had everything spoonfed to us when in reality, it's the opposite. Don't they know that jobs are way harder to get now than ever? I mean they're the generation that raised us, so if anyone is at fault, it's them!

They keep saying how hard work will lead to riches, but that's just bullcrap. It would take an incredibly brainwashed person to believe that working hard leads to wealth. If that were the case, we would have a lot of millionaire construction workers and waitresses. The richest people on this Earth do not work hard.

They earn money in their sleep through investments. The idea that working hard leads to wealth is the greatest propaganda the ruling class ever pounded into the heads of the proletariat because now these people willingly work themselves to death just to make their masters richer. We were white-collar slaves.

The hysteric mass media is the root cause of all this. Oh, boy. Wrong and skewed information was shown by the media. Negative images are the main criteria.

Religion, age, race, sex, politics, countries. All of these are just tools to divide us. Those journalists and communicators just use these ideologies to keep pushing the 'us versus them' narrative. Their channels are soapboxes for crappy propaganda.

It was sickening.

\- X -

Earlier, I saw Trent talking to DJ about something.

"This guy has already breached our defenses... You've seen what he's done to our colleagues!" He said. "Worst of all, he could trick any one of us. He could fool you! He could fool me! He could even fool-"

"Attention, Team Epic Fail, please report to the Elimination Chamber so you can make someone's butt go bye bye!" Chris announced.

Boy, he seems really excited. Then again. When was he not?

Too bad for Trent, I had already talked to DJ.

-X-

That was even furtherr back, and after my Confessional.

"Yo, DJ. How's it going?"

"Not good at all." DJ said.

"Well, I'm doing even worse."

"Really? Do you have the blood of innocent animals on your hands?"

"Trent. He's gotten really annoying lately." DJ said. "So what if he has a broken arm? Doesn't give him the excuse to be a big meanie."

"Oh, well, that's great and all, but you can't vote for Trent." I said.

"What? Why not?"

"Because voting for him wouldn't do anything."

"Well, you can vote for him too."

"I mean-"

Crap.

"He has got to go.'

"I agree, but not yet." I said. "You see, the person who you should really vote for is…"

I leaned in and whispered the name to him.

"Um… but why?"

"Trust me, DJ." I said. "It's the only way."

"The only way to what?" DJ said. "I need a reason to vote for my friend."

"Oh, you want a reason? Well, I have a reason."

At that point, what choice did I have? It was either a feeble, last-gasp attempt or none at all.

I might have fibbed a little and gone too far in a few places.

\- X -

"Okay, the first barf bag goes to… Trent." Chris said.

"It's okay, Noah." Trent said, smiling. "You'll get yours soon enough.. or not."

"Trent, you can kiss my butt." I said.

"The next one is for DJ." Chris said.

The big man solemnly took his bag of peanuts.

"Tyler's the next one safe." Chris said. "The next barf bag goes to… Alejandro."

"Noah, just think of it as you're being let go." Alejandro said. "That your life's going in a different direction. That your body's part of a permanent outplacement."

They thought I would just bend over and take it up the butt.

Not if I had anything to say about it.

\- X -

"Oh hey, Lindsay! You excited for the popularity contest this evening?" I asked.

"The what, Norm?"

"We're voting right now for the winner."

"We are?" She asked.

"Yep and the winner gets to stay right here in Paris." I said.

"Wow! Really?"

"I'm certainly voting for you." I said.

"Oh, I've always wanted to live in Paris!" Lindsay said.

This was a classic Batman Gambit. I expected Lindsay to be dumb and fall for it.

\- X -

Now, it was time to find out if it worked.

It was down to just Lindsay and me. The bottom two.

"So, the last barf bag goes to…" Chris said.

This couldn't be all she wrote, could it?

You know what? Screw it. A loss isn't the end. Failure isn't the greatest loss in life. What matters is what we do after we fail. It is those actions that make or break us.

After all, the greatest teacher, failure is.

According to Matt, this was just one of the infinitely many possibilities and outcomes. Hell, there may even be an alternate worldline where Alejandro is on Total Drama Island or one where we all meet when we're toddlers at a daycare. **[1]**

I didn't possess plot armor like those heroes in stories.

Sometimes by losing a battle, you find a new way to win the war.

Sure, I lost in my worldline, but there is certain to be a worldline where I win it all.

Plus, I always had The Aftermath Show. I could launch a comeback tour!

Chris was about to give away the final barf bag.

...

...

...

"No one! It's a tie!" Chris said.

Or not.

"Lindsay loves fur coats."

That's what I said to DJ earlier, and it seemed to be enough to convince him.

"A tie!?" Trent asked.

"Yep." Chris said. "That means it's time for a tiebreaker!"

"A tiebreaker!?" Trent asked.

"Yes. It's time for some fun with balloons!"

"Balloons!?" Trent asked.

"Yeah! Now can you stop questioning everything I say?" Chris said, annoyed.

"Here are your ballo- oh, wait. Those are condoms." Said the host.

He fished around his pockets for a bit longer and pulled out a pink and a blue balloon then tossed them to me and Lindsay.

"First one to pop gets to stay on my aircraft!" Chris said.

"Oh yeah, baby!" Tyler encouraged Lindsay. "Get down on your knees, put that thing in your mouth, and blow on it until it explodes in your face!"

Um… phrasing!

"Tyler, you might want to take a minute to look at what you just said." I said.

I grabbed and blew that balloon like my life depended on it. I tried my hardest to ignore the laughs of Trent and the smug look on Alejandro's face.

Wiping that off was my main objective.

I knew something was up with Alejandro complimenting me. Boy, do I hate being right all the time.

I wasn't going down without a fight. He was not getting rid of me that easily.

I despised him. He was a really smug and clever piece of sh-

 _POP!_

"Noah wins!" Said Chris. "Victory to Noah!"

He then winked for some reason.

"Yes! Woohoo! Yippee!" I cheered in ecstasy.

I didn't care if people thought I was crazy.

Oh man. I did it! I actually frickin did it. I pulled it off. I survived.

I survived because I managed to blow up a balloon.

"Which means Lindsay is out." Chris said.

"Come on, man." Tyler said to Chris. "There's gotta be a redo or something."

"Sorry, Tyler, but When you play the game of Total Drama, you win or you fall. There is no middle ground." Chris said.

"Seriously!?" Tyler asked.

"If you don't like it, there's the door." Chris said, pointing to it.

"But-"

"Hey, you're more than welcome to join her." Chris said. "Whether I'll give you a parachute or not is another question."

"That host wouldn't know talent if it smacked him in the head." Tyler said.

"Uh… I'm right here, you know?" Chris said.

"At least my hockey team saw me with a cute girlfriend for twenty minutes." Tyler said. "Ha! Take that Brett Steves!"

Lindsay laughed.

"One quick kiss before I go?" She asked Tyler.

Tyler eagerly puckered up but Chris wasn't having it.

"It's a half-hour show!" The host said.

Wow. What a cruel jerk. Denying two lovers a kiss in the city of love.

"Win for us." Lindsay told Tyler as she prepared to take the dive.

She blew a flying kiss and was going to say something when Chris cut her off.

"I said it's a half-hour show!" He said.

Wew lad. Someone's really impatient.

"Paris, here I come!" Lindsay said.

Lindsay jumped too high, hit her head on the top of the door, fell down and then dropped out of the plane, screaming all the way down.

What an exit.

It had nothing on her elimination on The Island when she cursed out Heather before leaving, but it was still a weird one.

"Au revoir, Lindsay." Chris said, chuckling. "At least you played with honor... and to my amusement!"

He then slammed the door.

Trent stormed off angrily.

"Well, that about wraps this up." The host said.

In many ways, the work of a host is easy. They risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who compete in the challenges and offer themselves to judgment.

Hosts thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to do and to watch. But the bitter truth these hosts must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than their criticism designating it so.

So, Lindsay was gone. Sucks, but that's the way it has to be. Better her than me.

I had done it. I had managed to split the votes. 3-3. A perfect split. DJ and I voted for Lindsay. Tyler, Trent, and Alejandro had voted for me. Lindsay had voted for herself.

That day, those peanuts tasted like a magical creation from Matt himself.

In hindsight, the genius that I was, I really should have come up with a better plan. I got really lucky this time. It was a fluke even.

"Well played, Noah." Alejandro said, clapping. "You really outdid yourself this time."

"No thanks to you, _friend_." I said.

He just chuckled.

"Why are you laughing?" I asked. "Your clever little plan just blew up in your face, just like a-"

"Balloon?" He asked.

"Um, well, the point is I'm still here." I said.

"Oh, my dear Noah. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Total Drama in a fist-fight with you?" Alejandro asked sarcastically. "No, you need an ace in the hole. Mine's Tyler."

"What did you do to him?" I asked.

"I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. See, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push."

Jeez, what was with this guy and 'The Dark Knight'?

It didn't take him that long to deduce what I had done. Alejandro was pretty smart after all.

Wait a minute. If he figured it out, there's no reason why he wouldn't inform the others. More specifically-

Hey, where's Tyler?

"Nooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" I heard the jock roar.

"That's my name. Don't wear it out." I replied.

"You made Lindsay vote herself out!?" Tyler asked irately.

"Well, I had to save my own skin. Besides, _you_ voted for _me_!" I shot back.

"I didn't have much of a choice okay?" Tyler said.

"Yeah, you did!" I said. "You literally had four other choices! Okay, so Lindsay's your girlfriend and you like DJ. Still, it's not like Trent was helping!"

"Whoa! Hey, leave me out of this." Trent said. "Besides, it's tough to do anything with my broken arm."

"I trusted you, Noah. I can't believe you would do something like this." Tyler said.

"Well, what did you expect me to do? Just accept my fate and leave the show?"

"Yes." Trent said.

"You're the reason Lindsay's out!" Tyler yelled, his face turning into a scowl.

Oh no. The 'angry Tyler' had once again reared his ugly head.

"I'm gonna tell you something." I said. "If somebody messes with me, I'm gonna mess with with them. If somebody steals from me, I'm gonna say you stole. Understand? Now, I did nothing to harm you people, but you were angry with me. So, what do you do? Cook up some lies for which you have no case. If I were you, I'd have a little more self-respect."

"I am going to kill you in bloodlust and rip out your still-beating heart and quench my thirst!" Tyler roared.

"Whoa! Calm down, dude." I said. "Aren't you taking this a little too-"

 _THWACK!_

Tyler's fist had connected with my jawline. He had delivered a punch that sent me sprawling across the floor of the plane.

I felt an excruciating amount of pain. I wiped my mouth, which had the faintest amount of blood on it. Lucky for me, no teeth were broken.

Well, I'll be damned. Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch them in the face, and for what? To get the crap beat out of you.

Nah, screw that. Something just snapped inside of me. I let go.

I clenched my fingers and had a swing at Tyler. I decked him right in the face, sending him sliding across the floor. Much like he had done earlier.

I knocked the damn wind out of him, that's for sure.

We had fought back on The Island, but that was more of a friendly fight. This one was a no-holds-barred free-for-all.

I didn't hold anything back. I let loose.

I wasn't backing down. For some reason, I thought of my first fight with Tyler. Of course, our 'fight' on The Island was more of a friendly brawl with him trying to toughen me up.

"I protected you on The Island. Now I'm gonna kick your butt!" Tyler exclaimed.

Our fight wasn't about winning or losing. It wasn't about words.

"Hit him again, man! Come on! Hit him!" Trent said, egging Tyler on.

Despite not being that good at fighting, I had read up on it. The vast majority of people trying to sucker punch will open with a right hook to the face. This is usually done with the right hand as a majority of people are right-handed. To counter this, the person getting hit should raise their left hand to protect their head since the punch is coming from their left side.

Most of the population has no training and is right-handed, so they open with what seems most natural to them, which would be a right hook to the head.

I wanted to destroy something beautiful that I would never have. I wanted to pump chlorofluorocarbons straight up to gobble the ozone. I wanted to kill all the fish I couldn't afford to eat. I wanted the whole world to hit bottom. I wanted to burn the Louvre. I'd do the Elgin Marbles with a sledgehammer and wipe my butt with the Mona Lisa. This is my world now.

This is my world. _My_ world. All those 'ancient' people are dead.

Pounding that kid, I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species and every whale or dolphin that gave up and ran itself aground. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see. I wanted to breathe smoke.

I didn't think of it as extinction. I thought of it as downsizing.

I felt like I had beaten Tyler to within an inch of his life and left him there. Yet, he had done the same to me.

It took awhile before DJ stepped in, much to the dismay of Chris.

Two dudes fighting over a girl. Man, was I pissed.

Alejandro pulled Tyler away, though I know he was extremely happy at what had just transpired.

When the fight was over, nothing was solved, but nothing mattered.

"Holy crap. What the hell happened to you?" DJ asked me.

"I felt like destroying something beautiful." I replied.

I was panting heavily. Really heavily. I can't recall the last time I went bananas on someone like that.

Afterwards, I felt saved.

"Apparently, when you treat people the same way they treat you, they get offended." I said. "Who would have thought?"

It was Confessional time again.

"When you have an all out prize fight, you wait until the fight is over." I said. "One guy is left standing and that's how you know who won."

I was beat up and had the looks to show it.

I didn't want to come out. Maybe I should just spend the whole night in the Confessional.

This season had followed Murphy's Law.

Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

My, how wrong it had all gone so far. A fight with Tyler was not how I had wanted to end the day.

"Could things get any worse?" I asked myself.

Darn it. Why did I say that?

* * *

Well, there you have it. I hope going back and forth instead of a linear structure wasn't too confusing. Plenty of drama and stuff to address. Thanks for reading.

And as always, thanks for reading- no, wait. D'oh!

* * *

 **[1]** One of these plots is one of my fanfics, while the other is an actual series set to premiere this year. Choose wisely.

* * *

 _ **Vote List**_

ALEJANDRO - Noah

DJ - Lindsay

LINDSAY - Lindsay (Self)

NOAH - Lindsay

TRENT - Noah

TYLER - Noah

 _Vote Count:_ Lindsay (3); Noah (3)

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Le Team Chris** \- Izzy, Owen [First Place, First Class]

 **Le Team Amazon** – Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra [Second Place, Economy Class]

 **Le Team Epic** – Alejandro, Trent, Tyler, DJ, Noah [Third Place, Economy Class]

 _ **Drop of Shame**_ – Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna, Lindsay (Lost voting tiebreaker)


	31. Newfound Revelations

Warning: If you are reading this, then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to? Think everything you're supposed to? Buy what you're told to? Get out of your apartment. Stop the excessive shopping. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity, you will become a statistic. You have been warned.

* * *

Sup, you beautiful bastards? Hope you're having a fantastic day! Welcome back to Noah's Tour of the World, and let's just jump into it.

* * *

 **\- Chapter xxxi -**

* * *

 **Destination 8 (Part One) – Newfound Revelations**

 **Current Venue:** Jumbo Jet, Economy Washroom

 **Geographical Location:** N/A

* * *

I was in pain. Extreme pain.

There was the physical pain of being beaten up _so badly_ by someone who used to be my friend.

There was the emotional pain of being beaten up so badly by someone who used to be my _friend_.

The combination was a one-two punch. Pun intended. A punch to the gut and I was almost knocked out.

I don't know what hurt worse, the physical scars or the emotional ones. It was probably a tie.

Speaking of ties, this was the closest I had ever come to being eliminated on this show. I had escaped by the skin of my teeth.

I sat in the bathroom, tending to my wounds. I don't know how long I had been holed up in here. I couldn't even bear to look at my own reflection in the mirror. My face, so bruised and beaten, stared back at me. I sat in solemn silence.

Lindsay was out of this contest, and it was because of me.

It sucked big time. I didn't have anything against Lindsay. She wasn't a manipulative witch like Heather, she wasn't overconfident like Courtney, she didn't constantly badger people like Sierra, and she wasn't as annoying as Izzy, and Izzy can get pretty annoying at times. Lindsay was just dumb. Really really dumb.

I didn't want this to happen. I never wanted to do this to Tyler. Lindsay had only just recognized him back in Germany, and now she was gone. I still felt kinda bad for Tyler, even if he beat me up. If there was any other way, I would have chosen that path, but there wasn't, and here we are.

Alejandro would have played her like a fiddle and dumped her out of the competition anyway. In fact, I was the only thing that stood in the way of him taking complete control of the team. DJ was out of sorts, Trent was a jerk, and Tyler was still pretty ticked off.

Now I've justified this elimination to myself in all sorts of ways. The fact that I had tricked Lindsay into eliminating herself out of the contest. It wasn't a big deal. Just a minor betrayal. Or it's just a part of the game, you know, that sort of thing.

Let's face it, I ripped them off, my so-called 'mates'. Trent? I couldn't give a damn about Trent anymore. Tyler? Well, Tyler would've done the same to me, if only he'd thought of it first. DJ? Well, okay. I felt sorry for DJ. He never hurt anybody. Poor sap.

Most of all, though, I felt sorry for Lindsay. Lindsay did nothing wrong. She didn't deserve to get eliminated. Hell, she probably still considers me her friend after all this, unaware that I was the cause of her downfall.

So, why did I do it? I could offer a million answers - all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person. That's gonna change - I'm going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life.

Hopefully.

It was either me or her, and I stood the better shot of advancing. Those were just the facts.

Still hurts, though.

This world is a very mean and nasty place, and it doesn't matter how tough someone is, it will beat them to their knees and keep them there permanently if they let it. Tyler, me, Alejandro, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. However, it's not about how hard you get hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!

Now, I need to stop moping, get up off of my ass, and get out of this place.

As I left the bathroom, I resisted the urge to cough up blood. I was hurting badly though. Those blows to the face still stung, and I still heard a faint ringing.

A person can swallow a pint of blood before they get sick.

I saw that everyone was already fast asleep in Economy Class, and probably in First Class as well. I don't blame them. The challenge was pretty tiresome. Running around in a museum and carrying heavy things will do that to you.

There was still the faint smell of the ratatouille dinner that I had skipped. It lingered.

The fact that I was now outnumbered on a team that was out to get me gave me cause for concern. Now that it was down to five of us, DJ was my only hope.

I would have to think of something, but for now, I needed to join them in their slumber. My brain was currently fried.

I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

-X-

I was standing in front of a large black wooden house.

It looked similar to the House on Neibolt Street from King's 'It'.

Despite my every instinct telling me not to, I went in. The place looked burnt like it had just survived a fire or something.

There was a mirror, a desk, and a chair. I could only make out an arm resting on the right handle of the chair. The figure wheeled around to face me.

It was Chris.

"I've been expecting you." He said.

"You.. what?" I asked.

"Noah?"

"Yeah?"

"Noah, what would you say... you do here?" He asked.

"Well, I… I, uh… I'm trying to win. I don't know."

"No, Noah, you're not trying to win." Chris said. "You're not trying to win and you're not _going_ to win. Do you know how I know this?"

"Uh… no, but-"

"Follow me, Noah." Chris said.

I did, even though I was trying my hardest not to.

It was almost as if I had no control of the situation that was unfolding.

He led me to a door across the room. A gold '1' was mounted on the front; it looked like a room door in a hotel. The ground felt far away as I walked closer to the door. In a few moments, I was within inches of it.

Chris opened it.

"Uh… what do you want me to do?" I asked.

"Survive." Chris answered.

"What?"

Before I could say anything else, he grabbed me and shoved me in. He then slammed the door shut behind me.

The whole room was dimly lit, and I felt a sense of dread. It was really dark, but I had a feeling that I wasn't alone.

I thought I heard a low hum emanating from the place, kind of like the buzz of a bee and a human humming combined. It had a sort of ominous feel to it, and it was worrying.

I sensed something was running around. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of a blue toque. Holy crap. Is that... Zeke?

I kept moving forward, trying to make out where the next door was. I could feel it behind me. The hum was getting louder and I thought I felt its breath on my neck.

Then, I saw it! Door two! I was sprinting at this point, only a few more feet to go.

In one motion I grabbed the handle to the second room, twisted and slammed it shut behind me.

I was now in Room 2.

There was a single red balloon tied to a chair. That was it.

Great. What's next, a killer clown?

Well, I should count my blessings. At least this room was pretty bright. I began looking around for the door to room 3.

That's when I faced a problem. There was no door.

I looked behind me, and the door to the room from where I came from was gone as well.

So, that was the challenge. I began looking high and low. I got down on my knees and searched the floorboard for anything that resembled a three.

"Are you alright?" I heard a familiar voice ask me.

I jumped off the ground and spun in one motion. I leaned against the wall behind me and I saw what it was that spoke to me; to this day I regret ever turning around.

Right there, she stood. She was wearing a soft, white dress that went down to her ankles. She had long blonde hair to the middle of her back and white skin and blue eyes.

It was Lindsay.

But she was the most frightening thing I had ever see. Not Lindsay, no. She was as beautiful as ever.

It was what I saw within Lindsay.

I know that nothing in my life will ever be as unnerving as what I saw in her. While looking at her, I saw something else. Where she stood I saw what looked like a man's body, only larger than normal and covered in hair. He was naked from head to toe, but his head was not human and his toes were hooves. It wasn't the Devil, but at that moment it might as well have been. The form had the head of a ram and the snout of a wolf.

It was horrifying and it was synonymous with the girl in front of me. The one I had just eliminated in the last challenge. They were the same form. I can't really describe it, but I saw them at the same time. They shared the same spot in that room, but it was like looking at two separate dimensions. When I saw Lindsay, I saw the form, and when I saw the form I saw Lindsay. I couldn't speak. I could barely even see. My mind was revolting against what it was attempting to process.I just stood there, staring at whatever it was that spoke to me. There was no exit. I was trapped here with it. Then it spoke again.

"Noah, you should have listened."

When this... 'creature' spoke, I heard Lindsay's words, but the other form spoke through my mind in a voice I won't attempt to describe. I couldn't describe it even if I tried. There was no other sound. The voice just kept repeating that sentence over and over in my mind and I agreed. I didn't know what to do.

I was slipping into madness, yet couldn't take my eyes off what was in front of me. I dropped to the floor. I thought I had passed out, but the room wouldn't let me. I just wanted it to end. I was on my side, my eyes wide open and the form staring down at me.

The house was toying with me.

This was it.

 _No, Noah_ , _you can't give up now!_

Was that Matt? It was Matt!

I pulled my mind back from whatever depths it was headed and I looked around the room. I was getting out of there. I was determined to get out of that house and wake up and never think about this place again. I knew this room was Hell and I wasn't ready to take up a residency. I was not going to be stuck here for all of eternity.

At first, it was just my eyes that moved. I searched the walls for any kind of opening. The room wasn't that big, so it didn't take long to soak up the entire layout. The demon still taunted me, the voice growing louder as the form stayed rooted where it stood. I placed my hand on the floor, lifted myself up to all four and turned to scan the wall behind me.

Then I saw something I couldn't believe.

A number three.

Yes!

I don't know how I did it. It was almost like this third door magically appeared out of nowhere. Like I had created the door with my mind.

The form was now right at my back, whispering into my mind how I shouldn't have come. I felt its breath on the back of my neck, but I refused to turn around.

I wasn't staying in room 2 any longer. I opened the door. It swung open and I was sucked in like a vacuum. It slammed behind me.

I still have trouble believing what I saw in room three. The room was a carbon copy of room two, but sitting in the usually empty chair was a man.

A man that I had seen before. A teenager that I had spent many moments with.

After a few seconds of disbelief, my mind finally accepted the fact that the man sitting in the chair was Cody. Not someone who looked like him; it was Cody Emmett Jameson Anderson, in the flesh.

I walked closer. I had to get a better look even though I was sure of it. He looked up at me and I noticed tears in his eyes.

"Please... please, don't do it. Please, don't hurt me." Cody said.

Crap. He sounded like Cody, too.

"What?" I asked. "Who are you? I'm not going to hurt you."

"Yes you are..." Cody said.

He was sobbing now.

"You're going to hurt me and I don't want you to." He said.

Cody sat in the chair with his legs up and began rocking back and forth. It was actually pretty pathetic looking, especially since it was Cody, identical in every way.

"Listen, who are you?" I was now only a few feet from Cody's doppelganger. It was the weirdest experience yet, standing there talking to him in this nightmare of mine.

I wasn't scared, but I had a feeling that I would be soon.

"Why are you-" I started.

"You're going to hurt me you're going to hurt me." He said. "If you want to leave, you're going to hurt me."

Leave? Did he mean that I would have to do something to escape from this place?

"Why are you saying this? Just calm down, alright? Let's try and figure this out."

I stopped. I stopped because I saw it.

The Cody sitting down was wearing the same clothes as the real Cody. It was identical in every way, except for a small red patch on his shirt.

Embroidered with the number four.

Crap.

"You're going to hurt me. You're going to hurt me. Don't hurt me, please. You're going to hurt me..."

There he was, my friend. My best friend was begging me not to hurt him in this crazy dream of mine.

My eyes didn't leave that small number on his chest. I knew exactly what it was. Two was the easiest to find, even though it was dark. Three was created by me, but four - this number was on a person, a living person. Worse still, it was on a person that looked exactly like Cody.

"Cody?" I had to ask.

"Yes... you're going to hurt me you're going to hurt me..." He continued to sob and rock.

He answered to Cody. He was Cody, right down to the voice. But that five. I paced around for a few minutes while he sobbed in his chair.

I looked around the room. The walls, the ceiling, the floor. There had to be some sort of clue.

Aha! Under the chair, I saw it.

A knife. Attached to the knife was a note.

'To Noah, from The Board'

"Are you willing to take a life to save your own?" I heard a demonic voice ask.

I wish I had never even found out about this stupid Board. Now I had to add it to my mountain of headaches.

Then the hum returned, low and distant, though I still felt it deep in my body. Cody looked up at me as I looked down at myself. The hum was getting louder all the while.

I took the knife.

"Sorry, Cody." I said.

No. No, don't do it.

It's just a dream. It's just a dream, it's just a dream, it's just a dream.

He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts.

I grabbed the knife and thrust it. I plunged it straight into that four. I was yelling, Cody was yelling, the demon yelled, the Lindsay creature yelled, and the hum turned into a yell.

Everything faded to black and I shot straight up.

-X-

My ears were ringing as badly as when I made the horrible decision of sitting in the first row of a rock concert with my family.

This was just like that night in the Amazon. Again, I was drenched in sweat. Again, the feeling of dread. Again, the sensation that what I encountered was more real than I thought. Much more real.

What the hell was happening to me?

This was like 'Inception' but if it were a horror film and I was on all sorts of drugs. Frickin' hell.

Needless to say, it took awhile for me to compose myself. I don't know how long I sat awake in that plane. I have trouble sleeping in places that aren't my own bed, but nothing like this.

I had ever experienced nightmares as vivid as this before. Not when I was a little boy, in my first crack at Total Drama, not when I was older, never.

I couldn't sleep. Not again. I couldn't risk falling asleep and facing another nightmare.

The plane moved on and at one point I contemplated walking around or even talking to Chef, assuming he was still awake and the plane wasn't on autopilot. The problem was it was pitch black. Not as black as that room in my dream, but still pretty dark and hard to see.

I didn't want to go stumbling around in the dark like an idiot. So, I decided to stay put.

I thought the challenges were bad enough, but now I would be risking my sanity by simply going to sleep.

I was lamenting my fate.

That's when it happened.

At first, I didn't know if it was my eyes playing tricks on me or something to do with the lighting. It was past midnight, after all.

I saw him remove the cast on his arm and leave it on his seat, or rather, the place on the wooden plank where he was seated.

… what?

I was clueless at this point.

I wanted to go back to sleep and forget any of this had ever happened. How could I? I don't know what time it was and I didn't dare check my watch, though I was fairly certain that it was very late in the night and past midnight. Probably about two or three.

This is also the time of day when a majority of humans are the most tired and are very prone to hallucinations.

Those minutes I spent waiting in the dark felt like days.

I could not unsee what had just occurred right before my very eyes.

Had I taken one too many knocks to the head?

With insomnia, nothing's real. Everything is far away. Everything's a copy of a copy of a copy.

However, I was 100% positively sure that what I was seeing right now was not a hallucination. Trent had lied about his cast.

You little mother-faker. Son of a biscuit-eater.

This little rat had faked an injury to gain sympathy points. Or at the very least, he was fine now but playing dumb for the camera. He had fooled everyone in the process. This guy even had me convinced.

I felt like Abraham Zapruder, having caught something that I shouldn't have. Simply blunderful.

My vivid nightmare was almost, almost like a sort of blessing in disguise. If I never had it, I wouldn't have caught Trent redhanded.

I hated this man so much right now.

-X-

I'm not sure how much time passed or if I went to sleep or stayed up the rest of the night, but eventually, it became morning.

The first thing I did was brush my teeth and head straight to the Confessional.

"Okay… well, I can't believe what I just witnessed." I said, taking a seat. "Like really, I can't believe it, and I'm not going to say it either."

I knew Heather was probably lurking up there somewhere, listening, and waiting. No _way_ was I going to let something slip. I contemplated feeding her fake information but chose to make a straight Confessional instead. Heather wasn't stupid enough to fall for fake news, and I had bigger fish to fry.

"So, I might need to form a temporary alliance with DJ." I said. "I know it's a little iffy, and he might not trust me, but he's my best bet. I certainly feel like I need a backup plan, since all of my other teammates against me. Man, my new team is pissed. Saying all this crap like I'm ' _betraying_ ' them or something, and that they thought they could ' _trust_ ' me. I don't know how to convince them otherwise."

"It's so stupid. Trent thinks I quote-unquote 'stole' his girlfriend or whatever, despite the fact that I did nothing of the sort."

"I really don't get why everyone seems to think I'm some sort of perfect human being and that I have no flaws whatsoever. It's probably because of all those stupid Gary Stu Noah fics floating around the internet."

"Well, news flash for you all: that's not me! I don't grow three frickin' testicles, use them to win every challenge, and then make passionate love to Bridgette in an abandoned candlelit library, all the while popping out clever one-liners like a Pez dispenser!" I paused, smirking. "Although I admit that that would be pretty badass, that's not the real me!"

"Anyway, Tyler, Alejandro, and Trent now all want me gone, probably because they're threatened by my heightened intelligence." I said.

I let out a sigh.

"Honestly, I would rather be in a gay relationship with Cody than have to deal with all of this nonsense."

Wait a minute. What was I saying!? Did I just give all the NoCo shippers out there more ammunition straight from my mouth? Crud!

"I want that tape back!" I said, shaking the camera and attempting to remove any evidence of this recording.

"Give me the tape!" I yelled. "Ugh. How do you open this thing!?"

I gave up and joined the others for breakfast, which was delicious French toast. Yum.

Wouldn't want to get caught for evidence tampering, anyway. Especially when I had dirt on Trent.

Speaking of which, Trent, Alejandro, and Tyler were all sitting together. The cool kids. I pretended not to hear them call me and sat at another table instead.

This one had Cody, Owen, and Izzy. The odd ones out. Yep. Much better.

Man, it feels like I'm in high school again.

"Noah!" Owen said, stopping once he saw my face. "Great candied fish tails!"

"Noah?" Cody asked. "Are you, uh... are you alright?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm okay" I lied.

"You look terrible, man. What happened?" Owen asked.

"Oh, nothing. It's no problem." I said.

I didn't want to draw the attention of Courtney, Heather, Bridgette, and Sierra, who were talking to each other at another table.

"Oh, no, no, dude. He's not kidding. You look really awful." Cody said. "Do you need medical assistance?"

"I'm fine." I said, groaning. "Ugh."

"You look pretty banged up." Izzy said,

Oh, yes. Those soft warm hands felt so nice.

Right then, at our most excellent moment together, was when someone else decided to show up.

"Uh, Gwen!" I exclaimed. "It's.. uh.. Kind of what it looks like."

"Holy crap. Your face!" Gwen said, her look of confusion turning into one of worry.

"Yeah. I know." I said. "You don't have to-"

"What happened?"

"Don't ask."

"You got into a fight, didn't you?" She asked, ignoring my prior statement.

"Yes. Yes, I did." I said. "But keep it down, though."

"Oh, my goodness."

"I can't believe he's standing." Owen said.

"One tough mofo." Cody said.

"Look, I'm fine. Everything's fine." I said, snapping back to my senses. "You should see the other guy."

"Who did this?" Gwen asked.

"Uh, Tyler did, actually."

"He beat you up?" Cody asked. "Wow."

"Yes." I said.

Gwen shot a deadly glance at the jock, who was too busy chatting with Trent to notice.

Gwen was about to get up but I held her wrist and pulled her back.

"Ty-"

"-me for a makeout session." I said, wrapping her in a smothering embrace and kissing her.

"It's okay." I said. "Gwen, look at me. I'm really okay. Trust me. Everything is gonna be fine."

"You know, for someone who abhors sports, you sure are great at tonsil hockey." She said.

"Look, can we just eat?" Owen asked. "I'm starving."

"We sure can, buddy." I said as we all laughed.

We dug in. Yep, this breakfast was great.

"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight." Cody said. "Sun-Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it. Then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor!"

"Yep!" Said Izzy. "Then he used his fight money to buy two of every animal on Earth. Then he herded them onto a boat, and then he beat the crap out of every single one! From that day forward, anytime a bunch of animals are together in one place, it's called a 'zoo'! Unless it's a farm!"

"Hell yeah!" Cody said as he high-fived Izzy.

Um.. Okay?

"Well, in other news, my fifth toothbrush is gone. Yay me." Cody said. "Super stalker Sierra really has no idea of what personal space means."

"Rough." I said.

"So, now I'm on a team of five guys." I said. "So that's great."

"Are you implying something?" Gwen asked.

"Haha. A gay joke. From my own girlfriend. How nice." I said.

I noticed DJ. The big boy was sitting alone at another table, barely touching his food.

"Hey DJ!" Cody said. "Come sit with us."

"By the way, my buddy Noah over here says your legs are nice." Owen said.

"Yeah." Cody said, snickering. "He wants to know if it's true what they say about black men."

DJ just had a look of horror on his face.

"All lies! Fake news!" I said.

Cody and Own burst out laughing, and Gwen and Izzy soon joined them.

"Oh, come on, guys." I said. "Not you too."

Despite my tone, I really was having fun. Eating good food and talking with my friends. It was a rare moment where I actually enjoyed being on this show.

Of course, all good things must come to an end.

I realized mine was about to when someone from the other table came up to me.

"Come on, buddy." Trent said. "Let's all go have a nice friendly conversation in Economy Class."

"Do we have to?" I asked.

"Of course." Trent said.

I realized that it was better to be in on their conversation rather than allow the three of them to talk in private.

So, I joined Alejandro, Trent, and Tyler in Economy Class.

I had barely sat down when Tyler scowled at me.

"Why couldn't you lose so Lindsay could still be here!?" He asked.

 _Because then_ I _wouldn't be here?_

I wanted to make a sarcastic remark but that would escalate the situation. Things were working out just great between us, after all.

"You think you're such a genius because you managed to get rid of Lindsay, don't you?" Trent asked.

"Does that make you stupid because your plan flopped hard?" I asked back. "Oh, wait. It does."

"Fine, you know what?" Alejandro asked. "Maybe we were too hard on you in Paris."

"Gee. You think?" I asked sarcastically.

"That's why we're letting _you_ lead the challenge this time." Trent said.

You… what?

The teen was smirking. I knew this trap. Sure, he had appointed me as leader, but it was like baiting a fish.

If we win, we all get to enjoy First Class. If we lose, then I'm the perfect scapegoat to blame for the loss.

Maybe we could get second?

"In time, you will know what it's like to lose." Trent said. "To feel so desperate that you're right, yet to fail all the same."

"Hahaha. You can't hide forever, Noah." He said. "The end is near."

"Dread it. Run from it. Destiny still arrives." Trent proclaimed.

"Okay. You sound like a supervillain or something. So cheesy." I said.

"Don't underestimate me just because I'm quiet." Trent said. "I know more than I say, I think more than I speak, and I observe more than you know."

"False." I said, "You're not quiet at all, you don't know jack, you fail to think before you speak, and I wish you would observe more on how to not be a total dick before running your mouth off like you just did."

"Ha! Good one!" I heard someone say from up above.

Up above?

Then, it happened. Heather fell out the overhead compartment.

"Well, would you look at that?" Trent asked.

"What have we here?" Alejandro asked, his interest piqued.

"Eeeeeeeew!" Heather exclaimed, recoiling in disgust.

"Doing a little spying, are we?" The Latino asked the Asian-Canadian.

"Uh…" Heather stammered. "Uh, I just uh… dropped my pen."

She then picked said pen up off the ground.

"See? No scheming, just scribbling." Heather said, pretending to jot something down.

"Uhuh, sure." I remarked.

"Tyler, I am issuing you a ticket for fashion crimes." The she-devil said. "Your socks reek."

"Just like any athlete's socks should!" Tyler said proudly.

"Tyler, shut the hell up." Heather said.

"As for Noah here," she said, turning towards me. "You look like crap."

"I feel like crap." I said.

"Is that your blood?"

"Some of it, yeah." I said.

"Wow. Get yourself together."

"Says the person hiding and secretly listening in on other people's conversations." I said.

"It's called strategy, dilweed." Heather said. "Maybe you've heard of it?"

"Ah, so you _do_ admit to eavesdropping." I said as I heard Heather curse under her breath.

"Also yeah, what would I know about strategy? It's not like I won the last season or anything." I commented.

I was enjoying gloating in front of her.

That was when we all began bouncing up and down. As the plane attempted to land in the middle of the ocean.

Chris, you are the worst kind of moron, an evil moron.

"Attention all Total Drama passengers, in accordance with emergency landing procedures, you will now be shown the nearest exit!" He announced over the intercom.

This, of course, was just code for 'Chef will push you all out the door now.'

I didn't resist. It wasn't like my puny body and skinny frame would stand a chance against Chef's hulking figure anyway.

It took awhile, but all of us were thrown out into the water. I couldn't swim very well, but someone was struggling more than me, Owen.

"Owen, catch!" Heather said.

She threw him a seat cushion she evidently stole from First Class.

Heather then swam over to him.

"Care to join me in an alliance?" She asked the fat boy.

Alejandro tapped her shoulder and she turned around.

"You're asking him that _no_ w?" Alejandro asked.

"You're just jealous because _you_ didn't think of it." Heather claimed.

"Actually, I'd have asked him _before_ delivering the cushion, but you do what's right for you." Alejandro said smugly.

Clever. Seems like Heather missed a trick.

Then again, this was my friend's life they were playing with so it seemed a lot less humorous now.

"You okay, buddy?" I asked Owen.

"I guess." He replied. "Man, I would be so mad at Chef right now if I didn't love his food."

"Yay! My boyfriend's still alive!" Izzy said.

"I hope we see some sharks so I can go shark-riding!" Said the redhead. "Don't you, Noah?"

"No, no I don't." I stated flatly.

I could barely stand the sharks on my own team.

"Aw, come on." Izzy said, splashing us all.

"Gah! Stop! You're making me wet!" I said.

 _Oh, Izzy's making you wet, is she?_

No, no, no.

I needed to focus. Concentrate, Noah.

The only way I could win this contest was once I understand that it is just that... a contest. Just a game of votes.

This whole competition is just moves and countermoves all the way to the end. That's all we've got to look at.

There can be no rough estimate because there is no clear answer. It's not a matter of meeting a threshold, it's a matter of beating the other side. You don't start a game knowing how many points or kills or pieces you need. You push as hard as you can and hope you do better than your opponent.

Let a man play chess, and tell him that every pawn is his friend. Let him think both bishops holy. Let him parade around with his knights and his rooks. Let him remember the happy days in the shadows of his castles. Let him love his queen.

Watch him lose them all.

I'm going to make a mockery of Tyler.

I'm going to expose Trent for the fraud that he is.

You better watch out, Alejandro, because I'm coming for you.

* * *

That's actually where I'm going to end this chapter.

Remember, if you liked this story, you like what I do in my stories, hit that fav button. If you're new here, hit that follow button.

A new poll is up on my channel, so answer that if you like. Chapter 32 should be up on Easter.

As always, my name's Purple Bandit, you've just been purpled in, I love your faces, and I'll see you next time.

* * *

 **SEAT SHEET**

 **Chris** \- Izzy, Owen

 **Amazon** – Bridgette, Gwen, Cody, Courtney, Heather, Sierra

 **Epic** – Alejandro, Trent, Tyler, DJ, Noah

 _ **Drop of Shame**_ – Duncan, Ezekiel, Harold, Leshawna, Lindsay


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